by Wendy Owens
Focusing all my energy, I try and concentrate on figuring out where I am. What’s the last thing I remember? An old buddy came and dropped off his car this morning. Man, twenty-six and the dude is already halfway bald. He had a full head of hair back in the day when he would run around the neighborhood with my brother.
Work. The last place I remember is work.
Did I fall asleep?
Did I hit my head?
And then I remember. The sound of the hydraulics. The hissing sound as I saw the massive vehicle sliding down toward me. Then nothing.
Am I dead? Does this mean I’m going to get to see my brother?
I hear another voice. It’s familiar. Mom? There are a couple other muffled voices. They’re moving closer. Kenzie. It’s Kenzie’s voice. That confirms it. I’m either dead or dreaming.
Open your eyes, Ben. Unlike all the other times I’ve commanded it, this time, my body begins to respond. They seem to be sealed shut with some kind of glue. I try and lift my hand up to help, but alas, it’s failing to respond as well. Trudging forward, I manage to finally open them a crack.
“Ben!” I hear a voice that sounds like Kenzie and my heart thumps hard in my chest. Forcing my eyes open the rest of the way, I hear a beeping sound as my heart picks up in pace.
“Oh, Ben,” Kenzie says. She’s standing next to me now.
“Kenz—” My voice cracks when I try to say her name. My throat is so dry I find it hard to swallow.
“I’ll get the doctor,” she exclaims.
“Wait, don’t go,” I plead, fighting to get the words out. She listens, which makes me question again if I am in fact dreaming. “Where are we?”
“I think I should get the doctor.”
“Doctor?” I ask.
She hesitates for a moment. “You were in an accident four days ago.”
“It was that damn lift, wasn’t it? Old man’s lucky it didn’t kill me.”
I hear her gasp as she lifts a hand to her mouth.
“Hey, I’m fine. See?” I insist, looking down at myself. “Well except for all these probes and needles sticking out of me,” I joke.
She laughs. This makes me smile.
“You were here the entire time?” I ask, excited to see she still cares.
She shakes her head. “I just got in last night.”
“That’s right, your mom said you were staying in Africa,” I remember.
Kenzie rolls her eyes. “Of course, she did.”
“Don’t blame her, you know I’ve always had a super power of persuasion when it comes to that woman.”
She laughs again. I could do this all night.
“That you do. Look, I should go and get a nurse or something, everyone is super worried about you,” she insists, half turning toward the door.
I don’t want her to go. I ignore her statement. “You look great.”
“Thanks.” She takes another step toward the door anxiously.
“Well?”
Her brow furrows. “Well, what?”
“It’s only polite to return the compliment,” I tease, hoping for another laugh. This time, all I get is a smile, but I’ll gladly take it.
“I wish I could say the same, but you look pretty terrible, which is why I should get the doctor,” she presses.
“Oh, come on, just a few minutes more,” I beg.
“You know if Karen comes back in here and you’re awake, and I haven’t called for the doctor, it’s my ass she’ll have.”
“Let me handle my mom,” I insist before asking again.
She lifts her hands, relenting to my request. “I’m going to tell them you forced me if anyone gets pissed.”
I smile, but there’s a nagging question I need an answer to. “Seriously Kenz, what are you doing here?”
“Did you really just ask me that?” She seems offended by my question. “You were nearly crushed to death, and you’re asking why I’m here.”
“We are broken up.”
“That doesn’t mean I quit caring about you, idiot,” she huffs, crossing her arms.
“Well, that was my plan all along.”
“What was?” she asks shaking her head.
“I got hurt on purpose so you’d come back to me,” I grin.
She glares at me. “Not funny!”
I laugh. “Oh come on, it’s a little funny. Wow, babe—”
“What?”
“I just can’t get over how good you look. You’re glowing. You look so—” I don’t want to admit she looks this way without me, but I do. “You look happy. I guess Africa weather agrees with you.”
“I guess,” she responds vaguely. I feel like she’s hiding something, but I’m not her boyfriend anymore. I don’t have the right to ask what—or worse, who—is making her so happy.
“Your mom said you were there working?”
She nods. “I got a job as a photographer’s assistant.”
“Really?”
She tightens her jaw. “Yes, is that so hard to believe?”
“No, I think that’s great. I just never knew you were into photography.” I reply honestly, realizing there’s a lot I never knew about Kenzie. A lot I wish I had taken the time to find out.
“I didn’t either.” She relaxes the tensed muscles in her shoulders.
I laugh. “Fine, I can tell it’s killing you not to go let everyone know I’m awake. Go.”
She sighs, “Thank you.”
“But wait,” I snap before she can dart out of the room too quickly. “Before you go, I wanted to tell you that I’m glad you’re here.”
“I couldn’t be anywhere else right now,” she replies with a soft smile.
There, in that smile, I remember all the reasons I loved Kenzie. It wasn’t just how beautiful she was on the outside, it was the way she cared so intensely for the people that mattered to her. I still matter to her. Sucking in a sharp breath of air, I press down my doubts and say, “There’s something else I need to say to you.”
“Ben,” she starts, and I can tell by her tone she’s already prepared to shut me down.
“Please, just hear me out.”
She nods in response, nibbling her bottom lip anxiously. How did I forget she does that? I smile, and she shifts uncomfortably.
“What do you want to say?” she asks.
Her eyes go soft. I hope somewhere in me she sees the Ben she once loved. “I get why you left.”
“We can do this later—” she tries to shift the conversation, but I refuse to let her walk away from me so easily this time.
“I know I’d begun to take you for granted.”
“No, you didn’t. You were fine. We just—”
“Kenzie, you just have to let me get through this, okay?” She bites her lip again and gives a small nod. “I totally blew it with you, I get that. I also understand that you may never see me in the same way again. But all I’ve been able to think about since you left is us. I’ve tried to figure out when we lost our way exactly. And in the end, what I wanted to tell you was that I’m sorry I hurt you by taking us for granted. Life is crazy right now, I get that, but if you can find any place in your heart—”
She opens her mouth to speak, but I don’t let her and I cut her off. “Where there might still be feelings hiding for me, I wish you would give me—give us a second chance. This time, I promise, I’ll make sure you feel cherished every moment.”
Her lip quivers. That’s a good response, right? I assure myself silently. Wait…her eyes look sad.
“Oh Ben,” she whispers.
“Just think about, okay?” I ask. “I’m not looking for an answer right now. Now you can get that doctor.”
She smiles and nods. My chest aches as I can’t stop wondering based on her face if I’ve truly lost Kenzie forever.
A COFFEE CUP DROPS BELOW the dispenser and a second later it begins to fill with the hot liquid. Tapping my foot as I wait impatiently for what smells like a burnt cup of coffee, I feel my phone buzz in my pocket.
<
br /> I pull it out to reveal a waiting text from Aiden. I feel my heart jump, and I glance around as if I’m about to be caught doing something wrong.
Swiping the cup of coffee, I make my way into a waiting room where I can have a small bit of privacy, away from the prying eyes of Ben and his parents.
I sit, placing the steaming cup on the table next to me. I run my finger over the screen.
Aiden: Everything okay?
Staring at the text, I have no idea what to say. No. Everything is not okay. My ex-boyfriend is lying in a hospital bed, a total mess, and all he wants is to have me back. While I, on the other hand, I can’t get you off my mind because I’m a selfish and careless person. But I can’t say that to him.
Me: Yeah.
Aiden: So Ben is going to be okay?
Me: Looks that way.
Aiden: That’s such a relief.
How is it possible that two men, both amazing in their own magnificent way would both want to be with me? My gut tells me I need to tell him what Ben said, but the last thing I want to do is have this conversation over text and something be misconstrued.
Aiden: I wrapped up business early, and I’m heading home this afternoon. It was too late notice to book any affordable private flights, so I’ll be flying commercial.
Me: You sure? Don’t want you to cut your trip short for me.
Aiden: I’m sure. Sorry I couldn’t go with you yesterday.
Me: I understand. You had commitments.
Aiden: You’re my commitment.
Me: Stop. I’m fine.
Aiden: Yes you are ;)
Get it?
Fine as in hot.
Me: Yeah, I get it.
dork
Aiden: Bad timing.
Me: Be safe.
Aiden: I can’t wait to see you.
Me: I better go before his mom comes out looking for me.
Aiden: You’re still at the hospital?
Staring at his text I can’t help feeling like I’ve done something wrong. He’s not accusing me of anything, so why do I feel so terrible?
Me: They’re waiting on the doctor. I thought it would be good to wait with the family.
I watch the dots appear and disappear as Aiden begins his text then deletes it several times. I wish I could see all the things he considered texting me, but decided against. Finally, my screen lights up with a single symbol. A heart.
THE NEXT COUPLE OF DAYS are a nightmare. Silence from Aiden. I know he’s traveling, but I would have assumed he could have found a second between connecting flights to contact me. Appointments for Ben with specialists I for some reason feel the need to be there for. Every time I leave, Ben’s mother asks me when I’ll be back. Each time she gushes about how my being there seems to lift his spirits. How can I possibly not return at the start of each day’s visiting hours?
Coming home offers me no reprieve, as my mother is always waiting with a dozen questions, none of which I have answers for. I slip on my boots, zipping them up my calf. I missed all my shoes while in Africa. I didn’t realize it until I came home and saw them all waiting for me in a heap on my closet floor. None of the stuff here seemed important when I was there.
I sigh. It’s time to head back to the hospital. One of the doctors wants to meet with the family this morning. For some reason, Karen feels this should include me. It’s not Ben that’s looming in my thoughts. It’s that damn heart I received from Aiden in my text messages. That’s the last time I heard from him. I’ve thought of calling him or even sending him a message at least a dozen times. But I don’t. I just continue to wonder.
My phone conveys the familiar chime to signal a text has been received. My chest aches, the adrenaline releasing into my bloodstream. It’s him. It has to be. I think.
Glancing at the phone my heart sinks when I see it’s not.
Anna: How’s it going?
Even though I wanted the message to be from Aiden, Anna’s text couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. I need my best friend. Her living on the other side of an ocean is becoming harder and harder to deal with.
I scroll through my favorite contact list on my phone and press Anna’s number. Holding it to my ear, I wait impatiently for her to answer as I sit on the edge of my bed.
“That was fast,” she laughs.
“Girl, you have no idea what I am going through,” I sigh grumpily.
“What’s going on?”
“I think Aiden is pissed off.”
“Uh-oh,” she says. “What did you do?”
Her tone causes me to laugh. “Why do you automatically assume I did something?”
“I love you babe, but you are the queen of self-sabotage.”
“I am not!” I shoot back.
“Let’s see, freshman year in college, you sleep with our history professor and then when he’s looking for a commitment you decide to quit attending class altogether.”
“That’s self-preservation, not self-sabotage,” I correct her.
“Fine, what about the time I got you a job at my publishing company and as soon as my boss said you were doing a great job you decided to start taking three-hour lunch breaks?”
“That job just wasn’t for me,” I insist.
“Running up your credit cards when you don’t have a job.”
“All right—” I confirm begrudgingly. “You have me on that one.
“All I’m saying is when things start going right in your life, you have a habit of doing everything in your power to derail them.”
I consider her words and my voice breaks as I ask, “Are you saying I did that with Ben?”
“Kenzie, that’s not what I meant.”
“No, I’m serious. Do you think things were good with Ben, and that’s why I went and messed it all up?”
There’s an uncomfortable length of silence on the other end of the line.
“Just say it, I can take it,” I assure her.
“Honestly? I was worried when it first happened that maybe that’s what you were doing.”
“But that’s changed now?” I ask.
“Something has changed since you met Aiden.”
“He knows how to leave a mark on someone, that’s for sure,” I sigh.
“Or maybe, just on you,” she suggests.
“Well, I doubt he’ll ever want to see me again,” I grimace.
“Why would you say that? What happened?” she asks.
“I told him how much I’ve been with Ben at the hospital, and I could tell it upset him,” I explain, replaying the text exchange.
“Are you sure you’re not just reading into things?”
I swallow hard, “I wish. I haven’t heard from him in two days.”
“So, call him,” she urges.
“I can’t.”
“Why not?” She questions.
“Damn it, why do you always have to make me feel like such an idiot?” I huff.
“Because that’s what best friends are for.” She pauses for a few moments before asking, “How’s Ben doing?”
“He’s in good spirits, I guess. I just feel like I’m lying to him.”
“Why?”
“He told me he wants me back,” I start.
“Oh God, what did he say when you told him about Aiden.”
“I haven’t,” I admit.
“Kenzie!” She exclaims and her tone makes it clear this was probably a mistake.
“What?” I respond defensively. “He’s sitting there looking up at me from a hospital bed. How in the hell am I supposed to just break his heart?”
“You’re not breaking his heart. You two are already broken up,” Anna grumbles back at me.
“I know. I know.” I concede. “I’m going to tell him.”
“When?” Leave it to her to hold me accountable.
“Soon.”
“Today,” she suggests firmly.
“Fine, today.” I groan.
“And you’re going to call Aiden.”
“I think he�
��s home, or he gets home today.”
“As in Chicago?” Anna clarifies.
“Yeah, he mentioned the flight he got has a complete crap layover, so I guess he gets in today at some point.”
“Seriously?” She snaps.
“What?”
“Did it ever cross your mind that he hasn’t called or texted because he’s traveling?”
“That’s such bull. There’s time between flights. He could have texted me. He’s pissed.” I stand firm.
“Stop assuming the worst!” Anna yells.
“All right, I hear you. I’ll break Ben’s heart today and give Aiden the upper hand in our relationship by calling him first, happy?”
Her voice softens. “Kenzie, you know I love you. Can I tell you something I just learned with Holden?” She doesn’t wait for me to respond. “The moment you quit playing games, you win.”
My face grows hot and tears threaten to fall.
“You okay?” she asks.
I swallow, pressing down the wave of emotions that threaten to break lose.
“I love you, girl,” I say, knowing that’s all she’ll need to know that she just gave me the truth I needed to hear. “I better get.”
“Call me later,” she says before hanging up the phone. Glancing at the time on the screen, I decide I’ll call Aiden as soon as I have the much needed talk with Ben. As if I were part ninja, I sneak out of the house as stealthily as possible, avoiding another run in of twenty questions with my mom.
I SLUMP AGAINST THE DOORFRAME as I listen to the next ring, and then another. I shouldn’t have waited so long to call her. My gut kept telling me I needed to call her after that awkward text exchange. Damn it, I hate texting.
“Hello?” She sounds so fragile and slight when she answers the phone, two words I would never use to describe Kenzie.
“Kenzie? It’s me, Aiden.”
