by Santo, JC
I don’t know whether to be hurt or pleased that he took me one more time before ending it. For him it was a goodbye fuck, but to me it was more than that, we made love that night.
I’m sure he would deny that, but it was. That last time we were together was the gentlest and most tender sex I ever experienced with Reed. He’s more of a rough, fast-paced kind of guy. Very Alpha.
Had I not noticed the haunting look in his eyes, I would have thought perhaps our relationship was changing, evolving into just that—a relationship. What a fantasy that would have been.
“Tegan…”
“Hmm, sorry. I zoned out there for a second, what’s up?”
Tessa clears her throat. “Jo asked what made y’all quit sleeping together?”
“You.”
Her shocked expression calls for elaboration.
“He ended whatever ‘it’ was, three days before you came home early, Tess. He knew you wouldn’t approve, and he knew I was getting attached.” My tears build up in my eyes. “You returning was the perfect excuse to take the blame off himself.”
Both women jump up to comfort me.
“I’m sorry,” I finally say once I’ve composed myself. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to break down.”
“Hey, it’s okay to be upset by this, Bug, you got your heart broken,” Jo says. She seems like she’s having a hard time with all of this.
I can only assume she knows my feelings all too well.
Tessa scoffs at Jo’s sincere concern.
“He’s an ass, Tegan. And you deserve better than him. If he can’t stand up to me in order to be with you, do you really think he’s the man of your dreams?” my sister asks.
“You don’t know how it feels to have your heart broken, Tess,” Jo damn near shouts. “I’ve been there. I know how hard it is to let go. How badly you want the person to return your love. How even though you know you’ll end up hurt in the end, you still try. You still keep that hope that one day that person will love you back.” She then turns her attention to me. “If you think he’s worth it, if you truly believe that you two could have something special, then go after it, Tegan. Don’t let it slip away out of fear.”
With that, she walks out of the room, leaving both of us speechless.
Tess finally interrupts the silence.
“Do you love him, Tegan?”
I whip my head back and forth. The lie coming out easier than I thought it would.
“No, Tess. You know my relationship history, I’m going through my first heartbreak.”
I didn’t date very much in high school. I didn’t keep steady boyfriends. An occasional date here, a series of dates there. But nothing that resembled a relationship.
“I think she’s just taking her whirlwind relationship problems out on everyone and projecting her feelings about a certain someone onto you.” I nod in agreement. “Alright, well I need to get home. I’m glad we talked, though. Olive you, Bug.”
“Olive you too.”
She grabs her purse and leaves. I wait a few minutes then trek down the hall to Jo’s room. While I agreed with my sister, I don’t believe Jo is projecting her feelings onto me. She’s sympathetic to me because she knows what I’m going through.
We both care about guys who aren’t willing to trust us with their hearts.
Reed
Drinking my morning coffee, I notice that it is a beautiful fall day outside. October can be tricky in Virginia; sometimes it’s freezing cold while others it’s sunny with a light breeze, like today. Perfect riding weather. Knowing my riding days are numbered with the frigid winter months coming, I decide to use this day to my advantage.
After a shower and dressing appropriately, I climb onto my Harley and head toward the one guy I know will give me advice: Marshall.
I pull up at his house and notice a Silverado parked in the driveway behind his Ford. Why does it look familiar? As I continue up the sideway to the front door, I mentally run through all of our friends’ vehicles. I knock and I keep ticking names off the list. Just as the door creaks open and Marsh appears in nothing but a pair of tight briefs, I realize who, or more what, that truck belongs to—Marsh’s secretive little fuck buddy.
Our eyes both widen at the same time; we both know what I’ve stumbled on. He pushes to close the door, but I wedge my foot inside keeping him from being able to lock me out. We stand there both assessing each other.
I really couldn’t care less who Marsh is fucking. To be completely honest, his sex life is the one I’m least interested in out of all of our friends. And yes, because he’s gay. Do your thing, man, but I don’t need or want the details of it. But my sex life has become the talk of the group, so I could stand to put someone else’s on the chopping block, and poor Marsh is getting the short end of the stick.
“Reed, we’re not doing this shit.” His voice is still rough and grainy from just waking up.
“Oh come on, man. I’m just curious.” I try looking around him with the hope that his friend came out of the bedroom.
“You got a reason to be here this fucking early in the morning?”
My head snaps to attention.
“Yeah, I guess I just need to vent.”
Marshall looks at the ground and shakes his head, muttering to himself.
“Alright, on one condition, though. You are not seeing who’s in my room. I’ll tell him to stay in there while we chat. We talk, then you leave, got it?”
At my nod, he opens the door and allows me access.
I go straight for the kitchen, needing coffee to work through all the fucked up shit running through my head.
Marsh walks into his room, I can hear him and Loverboy through the walls but can’t understand what’s being said—everything sounds like the Charlie Brown teacher. I do catch words here and there, but not enough to know what they’re discussing.
A few minutes later, Marsh comes out in a pair of sweats, no shirt, and bare feet. He walks to the counter and hops up on it. I hand him a fresh cup of coffee that I made while he was getting dressed.
“Well, so what’s up?” he asks as he takes a sip of the hot drink.
“You sure you got time to talk? I don’t want to interrupt anything.” I suddenly feel guilty for intruding.
“Oh, you already did that, so you might as well just start talking.”
I rake my hand over my face. Where the fuck do I even begin with all of my screwed up past?
“I need to talk to someone about my past. I just need a fucking ally in this shit, Marsh. My head is so fucked up, and everyone’s pissed at me.”
“Ah, fuck…”
The seriousness of my visit suddenly dawns on my friend.
“Yeah, that’s a good way to put it,” I deadpan.
Within twenty minutes, Marshall knows more of my past than any other person in my life other than my adoptive parents.
He now knows that my mother was a lowlife and my dad ran out on her while she was pregnant. He knows she was someone who was more concerned about her next fix than she was about her kid going to school. He knows that I was put into the foster system at seven years old, when a police officer on patrol spotted me waltzing around the neighborhood when I should’ve been in school.
All of this is just the tip of the enormous iceberg that holds all my issues.
I spent three years being shuffled around foster homes. Three years of people saying they didn’t want me. Three years of feeling like I was inadequate. For a young child, it’s bad enough to deal with your own mother not caring about you, but for other people to shun you because you’re too old or they’re only interested in the monthly check you bring into their home; it breaks you down as a child. It makes a small, easily influenced mind feel as though they are unlovable by anyone.
“I don’t understand why you’re telling me all this, Reed. It doesn’t change who you are to me. if anything, it makes you a stronger person in my eyes, brother. You’ve been through hell, and you came out not just alive, but thrivi
ng.”
“I just want someone to know where I came from. Why I’m the way that I am.”
“I’m glad to know more about you, but like I said, that’s not you anymore, Reed,” He slides off the counter and claps a hand on my shoulder. “You’re the only person holding yourself back from happiness.”
“But it is still me, Marsh. A person can’t just wake up and not be the person they’ve been their entire life.” I lean forward and place my head in my hands.
“You do, though. One day someone is gonna come along and they’ll bring out the better side of you, they’ll wash away all of those insecurities you’ve carried around for years. And if you want my honest opinion, I really believe that someone for you is Tegan.”
“I don’t know, Marsh. She’s so fuckin’ young and Tessa’s sister.”
He shakes his head.
“Look, the Tegan issues you’re having are gonna have to hold off for another day. My therapist services are only free for so long.”
I glance over at the clock on the stove. “Damn, you’re right. I should get out of here, I’ve got watch in a couple hours. And I’m sure you’ve got shit to do.”
“You bet your ass, I do.” He chuckles at his crass joke.
“Ugh, too much, man!” We both laugh.
Leave it to Marshall to know just the way to change the tone of an awkward conversation.
“Alright, man,” he says, opening the door. He holds his hand out, and I clasp mine in his.
“Alright, Marsh, I’ll talk to you later.” I start to walk back to my bike when I call out, “Be sure to tell Preston I said hi”
Yeah, if nothing else, I caught the mystery guy’s name.
“You better keep that to yourself, douchebag!”
He grabs his crotch and shoots me the bird before he kicks the front door shut.
I’ll keep it to myself for now and save it for when it’s really needed.
Tegan
Today is the first time I’m seeing Reed since I stormed out of Tessa’s house last weekend.
Another week has passed since we shared that kiss outside of my sister’s wedding.
To be dead honest, these past three weeks now I’ve locked myself away from everyone. Well, everyone who’s friends with Reed and Tessa, with the exception of Jo and the lunch at her house.
Instead, I’ve tried to expand the acquaintanceships I’ve made from my work into friendships. There are two girls close to my age. While one, Grace, seems a bit shy and reserved like me, the other, Ashley is polar opposite—loud, boisterous, and outgoing. Both have been very inviting and sincere toward me since I started. I've just always had my sister’s group of friends around, so it wasn't a high priority to make my own friends. Now, however, I can see where having my own friends outside of that clan is beneficial.
Ashley was nice enough to switch shifts so I could open and be off in time to make it to Tessa’s baby shower.
Although I asked, I was mentally hoping all this week that she wouldn't be able to. When Thursday came up and she hadn't confirmed the switch, I assumed I had a foolproof excuse, but halfway through our shift that day, she mentioned it to our boss who quickly adjusted the schedule, leaving me free for the shower.
I'm sitting outside, silently giving myself an enthusiastic pep talk. While the idea of this event going off with no drama sounds wonderful, after the wedding fiasco and Reed’s apparent, unpredictable behavior, I somehow doubt that is a possibility. While Tess and I are okay, we’re still sailing through some rough waters. We’ve opened the door and started the discussion, but there are still many things we need to clear up before things are back to normal between us.
So here I am, contemplating running away instead of acting all adult like and going inside.
I'm not fully able to divulge in a mental play by play of each scenario before my decision is made for me with the rap of someone’s knuckles on my window. Looking up I see Jo bent over smiling expectantly at me before she opens my door for me.
So much for running away.
Placing a fake, yet hopefully believable smile on my face, I climb out.
Jo doesn't mention all of the drama from the past few weeks, however; she pulls me into a hug and lightly whispers reassurances to me.
“I know you're struggling through this, Tegan, but don't pull away from us.” She leans back and waits until I meet her eyes before continuing. “Tessa is family, but so are you now. All of us love you like a kid sister, just know that we’ll all be here for you. Including Tessa, she just has to wrap her head around this first. It’s a lot for her to take in.”
Deep inside, I know Jo speaks the truth, my issue is understanding why the anger from my sister over it. Okay, yes, Reed is seven years older than me. And yes, he’s offering the exact opposite of what I’m looking for relationship wise. But why is she so against it if I’m accepting both of those factors?
Either I spoke my thoughts out loud or Jo read them, because she responds to my unasked question.
“Tessa knows Reed, I’d venture to say that they’re more similar than any of us in this group. He’s the male version of ‘pre-Hunter Tessa’. I think she’s worried he’ll break your heart, that you don’t understand what you’re getting yourself into with him.”
She says it as if we’re still something. I was fully aware of what I was getting into with Reed, my stupid heart, though, must have missed the memo that it was casual: temporary, not permanent.
We walk inside the house together with Jo leading the way. I cannot express how thankful I am that the first person we see is Marshall. He pulls me in for a much-needed hug and tucks me into his side, continuing the way into the living room with us.
His arm around me is like a big blanket, protecting me from all the anger and hostility that awaits me somewhere in this house.
In the living room, my sister and niece are sitting in an oversized chair, surrounded by many friends. Some I know, some I don’t. With a quick scan of the room, I release a deep breath of relief having not seen Reed.
Feeling Marsh chuckle, I glance up to see him smiling and looking down at me.
“Don’t feel too relieved, he’s out back, Cupcake.”
What little bit of stress I just released immediately tenses back up in my neck.
“Stop stressing, and go say hi to your sister. I’ll meet you out back. Might as well get seeing him over with and not in front of everyone here.”
And kick that tension up another five notches now.
I make my way over to Tessa, who was watching our exchange. She follows my movements all the way across the room until I’m standing in front of her. We haven’t spoken since the lunch at Jo’s house—things still feel unresolved between us.
What would be a very awkward moment is avoided by my beautiful niece, Sawyer. She carefully scoots away from my sister’s large belly and hops in front of me, pulling my attention away from the intense stare down with Tess.
“Teevan! Guess what?” Before I’m able to guess, Sawyer responds, “I know what the babies names are! Momma told me this morning. And I gotta feel ‘em kickin’ Mommy today!”
At first, I didn’t believe my sister when she said Sawyer talks a mile a minute. However, I quickly learned to keep up with her ever-changing conversations. Within five minutes of meeting her the first time, and about ten different topics of conversation, I realized my sister wasn’t joking. Ever since, I've been able to keep up with her and the crazy speed of conversation. She’s become one of my favorite people; I adore being an aunt to her.
If I didn't care for Hunter, which I do, Sawyer’s charismatic personality is enough to win him over with anyone.
After having her fill me in on everything that’s occurred in her life I’ve missed out on these past few weeks, I lean down and give Tess a kiss to her cheek while rubbing her stomach. She gives me a slight smile back. No words are needed right now. I know we will discuss everything else in due time, but today in this atmosphere isn’t the right plac
e. Today is about the babies. She and I both want everything to go smoothly.
Just as I go to pull away and find Marsh, Tess grasps my hand, catching my attention.
“Hey, olive you. I’m just trying to look out for ya, bug,” she says quietly.
I nod and whisper back, “I know, olive you too, T.”
Although she’s already apologized, I still want her to explain why she’s so against Reed and I, but I do understand why she’s concerned.
I take a deep breath and go in search of Marshall.
As soon as I step outside, I am met with a cluster of masculine voices. Looks as though all of the guys are spending the shower out here while the women sit inside and gush over Tess and Sawyer.
Again, I see some faces that are familiar and others I’ve never seen before. I say quick hellos as I search for Marshall. Suddenly, an arm comes around my waist and pulls me back to a rock hard chest.
Looking up and behind me, I can’t help the laughter that falls from my mouth just as J.C. announces his love for me.
“Will you knock it off? That’s my kid sister now, dude,” Hunter teases. J.C. eggs Hunter on by smothering my face and neck with loud obnoxious kisses.
I’m out of breath from laughing and trying to fight off J.C. while my worthless brother-in-law and friends stand by laughing. No one offers to help. That is, until a loud throat clearing causes J.C. to quickly put a stop to his silly mood, almost as if this throat clearing sobered up the entire group.
I’m the last one to get my bearings about me. When I look around to see what cause the drastic shift in mood, I lock eyes with Reed.
The dampened mood suddenly makes sense.
Judging by the silence and stiff posture of everyone, I’m assuming they all know something about the Reed and Tegan situation. What they know, I’m unsure of, but I don’t intend to stick around and find out.
My southern roots win out in the inner battle on whether or not to greet him. My momma would scold me for not using my manners.
“Hey, Reed. How are you?”
Something flashes in his eyes, and I’m met with a grunt in response.
