by Santo, JC
A trial run. A mistake. A do-over.
Before I’m able to get control of my emotions, tears overflow my eyes. I’ve cried so much in the last few days.
I’ve shut myself off from all of my friends. Thanksgiving is in a few days, and I’ve told everyone that I’m going home to California for the holiday. When truly, I have no intentions of leaving Norfolk, but I’m not sure I want to be around my friends.
All of us went to dinner last week and J.C. kept wrapping his arms around Tegan, it was all a joke to get under Reed’s skin, but it got under mine as well. I don’t know if I can handle him acting like that again, not in my fragile state now.
And I don’t know how I’ll feel after this procedure. The doctor says some women are back to normal within a few days while others it takes up to two weeks to get back in their usual routine.
“You’re going to be fine, Jo. They’ll put you to sleep and you won’t feel anything. You may be a little sore tomorrow, but you’re tough. I know you’ll get through this,” Miller says, trying to calm my nerves.
She’s right; I won’t feel a thing today, but when I wake up I know I’ll feel the emptiness.
Looking around the room, I watch as my friends bask in their happiness. I’ve never felt excluded with this group, I’m closer to them than I am any of my childhood friends from back home. Now I do feel excluded, though, and it’s my own fault.
I’m the one who’s chosen to not tell anyone what happened last week.
Not that Thanksgiving dinner is the time or the place to discuss that.
Miller convinced me that I needed to come today. Aside from sitting in my apartment alone, the only person who I’ve talked to is Miller. No one else understands what I’ve gone through emotionally and physically.
I’ve never been one to play the victim, but this depression that has hit me refuses to go away. I feel like my entire personality was taken during that procedure.
Seeing Tessa with her round belly has been incredibly difficult today. I’m thankful for everything else going on that has her mind distracted because typically I’ve been hands-on—literally.
Hunter has complained before that the babies will have a special bond with me because I’m constantly talking to T’s belly or rubbing it.
That isn’t the case today, though; I haven’t touched it at all. I’m too scared my tainted touch will bring harm to those babies as well.
Ludicrous to think that way? Yes, but I can’t help it. The entire process of losing my baby has fucked with my head. And being in the situation alone, I carry all of the blame and guilt.
Miller has told me multiple times to talk to J.C., that he has a right to know. I’m terrified he’ll look at me with the same disgust I see in the mirror. Or worse, what if he’s relieved the baby died?
Better to not chance it.
Arriving home that night, I don’t know which emotion holds the most space in my heart now; sadness, loneliness, or relief.
Unfortunately, I don’t have long to ponder it because the moment I sit down on the couch with my old crocheted blanket, someone begins pounding on my door.
“Jo, open the door,” J.C.’s voice comes from the outside.
He has to be drunk. Why else would he be here? I avoided him as much as possible today.
I didn’t want to start a conversation with him, too scared I’d confess everything.
I lean against the door.
“Go home, J.C.,” I say.
“No. Let me inside.”
With my forehead pressed to the cold wood, I try to piss him off so he’ll leave. I’ve had enough human interaction today. And he’s the last person I want to see.
“You drunk? Because if so, you came to the wrong house to get some pussy tonight.”
“Jo, open the fuckin’ door.”
He bangs against it hard enough that I’m sure he could end up splintering the wood.
My tears fall silently as I stand there waiting for him to leave. The pounding stops after a minute, and I think he’s gone—until I hear his defeated voice.
“I’m not drunk. I just want to know what’s going on with you, Jo. You know damn good and well you mean more to me than just pussy.”
He’s right, I know he isn’t drunk. The southern drawl in his voice comes out even more than normal after he’s had a few drinks.
“Please, Jo, let me in.”
J.C.
Please, Dear God, open the door.
Silence.
Jo isn’t the typical girl, she’s as tough as nails and hard as any man we work with. She’s confident, independent, and fucking radiant.
I don’t know what is going on with her, but I saw a difference in her today. She wasn’t that typical Jo we all know and love.
For her to shut herself away from all of us, I’m sure something is wrong. That’s why I’m here. Yeah, I could have gone to the bar, or stayed over at Tessa and Hunter’s longer, but I wanted to check on her.
When she slipped out quietly this evening, all eyes went to me, expecting me to know, or perhaps, be the cause of her sadness.
It was Miller who saved me from the barrage of questions geared toward Jo. Questions I don’t know the answers to; questions she refuses to acknowledge.
Truth be told, I’m madly in love with the broken, spitfire woman on the other side of the door, but she acts impartial to me.
I’ve seen the way it cripples a relationship if the love isn’t returned.
I stand with my head pressed against the door, praying she’ll open up and let me in. After a few more minutes of deathly silence, I know it isn’t going to happen.
Pulling my head away, I lightly tap on the frame as a way of tapping out. My back is halfway turned when I hear the unmistakable sound of a latch unlocking.
The tan door opens, and I’m met with a teary-eyed Jo.
Stepping inside the doorway, I immediately pull her into my arms.
“Baby, you gotta tell me what’s going on.”
She doesn’t respond, just continues to fall apart with her head in my chest.
I maneuver us and push the door shut. While gently caressing her back, I take in the apartment. I’ve been here many times, but never seen it in this order.
The apartment is a disaster; leftover plates and cups scattered around the coffee table, the old crocheted blanket crumpled into a ball on the couch along with a couple pillows—it looks like she’s been sleeping in here. Or locking herself in this apartment away from the world.
“Hey, why don’t you go to the bathroom and calm down a little, then we can talk?” I say trying to stop her crying.
“Okay,” she hiccups.
“You wanna jump in the shower? Maybe it’ll help you to relax a little?”
She nods and slowly makes her way to the bathroom closing the door behind her.
I take the opportunity to pick up a little. Halfway through the coffee table, after all of the dishes have been put away, I notice three prescription bottles.
I know this borders on stalking behavior, but I want to know what the hell is going on with Jo. So I chance her getting pissed and check the labels.
All three are prescribed to Joanna Fuentes, all by the Naval Hospital.
One looks like antibiotics, one is ibuprofen—the military’s go to solution for everything— and the third is a pain pill, Tylenol 3.
What does she need all of these pills for?
Jo was out of work on Thursday and Friday last week, forty-eight hours SIQ, or sick in quarters for two days; basically sick days meant to be spent in your rack or your living quarters for non-military. I figured it was just some kind of bug, but that doesn’t explain the pain killer.
She steps out of the bathroom and walks toward me at the exact moment I sit all of the bottles back down on the couch.
Her bloodshot eyes move from my face to the pill bottles and back again. The look on her face shows fear.
Something isn’t right here.
“Jo, what’s going
on?”
She looks unsure of herself as her eyes focus on the pill bottles.
“Jo!” She finally looks back at me.
“I didn’t want you to know.”
“Know what? What in the fuck is going on? Are you alright?” My mind is racing, and I’m beyond worried now.
“I lost it, J.C. I didn’t think you had to find out.”
I scratch my head in confusion.
“What are you talking about? You lost what? What didn’t you think I needed to know about?”
“The baby!” she yells. “I didn’t want to tell you that I lost our baby!”
“You what?”
“I lost it. My body couldn’t handle it.”
“You were pregnant? And you didn’t tell me? What the hell, Jo?”
She nods her head with a look of shame across her face.
How the hell did I miss all of the signs or her being pregnant?
My head is spinning and I’m pissed. How the fuck does she think I didn’t need to know she was pregnant?
I walk away from her and begin pacing the length of the living room.
“When?”
“I found out at the beginning of the month and miscarried days later.”
“So you went through all of this alone? You know I would’ve been there for you, Jo. How the hell could you not tell me?”
“I don’t know. I’m sorry, J.C. Miller tried to convince me to--”
“Miller knew? How the fuck did you think it was okay to tell her but not me? It was my fucking kid too, Jo!”
I came over with the intention to help Jo, make her feel a little better, but that’s all gone to hell now. I walk over to the door and fling it open so hard that it bangs against the wall.
“Wait, J.C., please don’t leave…” she cries.
I don’t have the patience to listen to her now, though. She deserves the sadness she’s dealing with. Now I have to be concerned with myself and accept the fact that I lost a baby I wasn’t even informed of.
“No. Don’t ask me to stay now, Jo. I can’t. I can’t be around you after this.”
With that, I slam the door on mine and Jo’s relationship.
One Month Later
“I’ll go, Chief.”
The words fall out of my mouth before my brain has a chance to process all of it.
To my side, I hear a small gasp from the woman who I’ve refused to talk to for the past month.
Luckily, we’re in front of our Chief so she and I both have to check our emotions and leave our personal shit at the door.
Our Chief called a meeting with Jo, Reed, and myself, giving us the opportunity to voluntarily go on the upcoming deployment. Reed is still working on getting all of his shit straightened out with Tegan, I want them to work out, so he doesn’t need to leave now. And Jo... Well, even though we aren’t speaking anymore, I really don’t need to be around her now. She’s tried talking to me on multiple occasions, but I shut her down each time. I can’t stand to hear her bullshit excuses from a month ago.
Time away is exactly what I need.
“Okay, thanks Collins. I’ll get your name on the work-up paperwork, next time you report, they’ll give you all the details.
“Thank you, Chief.”
We’re quickly dismissed. Jo rushes past Reed and me while he tries to figure out why I volunteered for this one.
No one knows what happened with Jo and me in the end.
She’s grown more into herself and avoids being around everyone while I spend more time at the bar like I did before our little fling.
I know she’s carrying around the guilt of losing the baby, and my yelling at her for not telling me doesn’t help, but I can’t bring myself to say sorry, not right now, anyway. I’m angry still, and she’s the only person to be angry at.
It wasn’t her fault that she lost the baby, and that isn’t why I’m upset with her. I’m mad that she didn’t give me the courtesy of telling me she was pregnant. She went at least a week knowing she was pregnant, saw me every day at work, and didn’t ever think to say something.
What would have happened if she hadn’t miscarried? I’d like to believe she would have eventually told me, but I’m not so sure anymore.
Yeah, space is exactly what I need. Time and space from Jo.
Too bad I’ll leave my heart here with her.
First off I’d like to thank the readers, I’m so incredibly honored that you have continued this journey with me. I loved bringing Tegan and Reed’s story to life, and I hope that you all will continue to follow the Navy Love series with me.
I want to thank my husband and my three little boys. If not for my husband’s support I wouldn’t have finished this book. Although he doesn’t understand the feelings I get when writing or reading, he accepts that both are important to me.
Alex Greyson, you never fail to amaze me! I started off as a reader of yours, then you became a mentor to me, and now? I can’t imagine going more than a few days without talking to you! Through this writing process, you’ve become an amazing friend and I’m incredibly thankful for you! Can’t wait to see you this summer!
Marie Carlisle, this is your book. You helped shape Charlie into the perfect idea I had in my head, and I’m so thankful for that! I feel like we’ve grown even closer over this book and I know Jo and J.C.’s book will be the same. You never fail to amaze me with your genius ideas! Thank you for being my sounding board once again!
My betas; Amber, Shae, Danielle, Erin, Marie and Jeanette. Thank each and everyone of you for taking time out of your busy lives to give feedback. Y’all are my dream team! Once again, you guys have blown me away with all the different ways you helped me with this book.
The members of J.C.’s sailor girl’s group. I love each and every one of y’all. You ladies have given me ideas, helped find muses, and each had an input in this book. You are all fabulous!
Angie, thank you for starting the tradition of American Idol. Hopefully I managed to put together a decent sample of our nights!
Special thanks to Rose and Atalia from FMR Book Grind. When I first met you two last year when promoting Inevitable Love, I never thought I’d find two wonderful friends! Thank you to you both, y’all have helped me well beyond what I ever expected. Atalia, I love your beautiful graphics and Rose, I appreciate your help with everything! I can’t wait for the day I get to squeeze you both!
The Talk Nerdy to Me girls, you ladies are so much fun and entertaining! I used to consider my reading habit to be a dirty little secret, until I found this group full of crazy women just like me. I’ve made some great friendships during the past year and hope that more come from this group. You guys are some of the most supportive friends I could’ve asked for. I love y’all nerds!!!
And to everyone behind the scenes, who helped get this book out there, I cannot begin to describe how thankful I am for each of you. Jessica Anhalt from Anhalt Photography and Design, Angela from That Formatting Lady, Rose and Atalia from FMR Book Grind, and Amy & Aleesha from Nouvelle Author Services. Thank you all, I loved all of your dedication and hard work you each put into making my book amazing.
Lastly, I want to thank every blogger who helped promote Love Unexpected. None of this would be possible without your time and help to authors. I am so humbled by the amount of support I’ve received from so many different blogs, I don’t know what to say to thank you enough.
Already Callin’ You Mine - Parmalee
Why You Wanna - Jana Kramer
Dayum, Baby - Florida Georgia Line
The Heart Wants What It Wants - Selena Gomez
Confession - Florida Georgia Line
It Girl - Jason DeRulo
Who I Am With You - Chris Young
Sledgehammer - Fifth Harmony
What Do You Mean? - Justin Bieber
Shake It Off - Taylor Swift
Whatta Man - Salt n’ Peppa
Just Might (Make Me Believe) - Sugarland
Trumpets - Jason DeRulo
Stand By You - Rachel Platten
Marry Me - Jason DeRulo
http://spoti.fi/1Wpx9QV
American Idol Playlist
‘American Idol Nights’ are something I used to do with a close friend when were younger; it’s all about blasting the music and having fun. Some of the songs are silly, some are raunchy, but it’s all about whatever makes you feel. This is a small list of some of my favorites to belt out the lyrics to.
http://spoti.fi/1PCALxj
