“No way,” I exhaled in awe.
I straightened my back and kept quiet in hopes it would come closer. Sure enough, it gracefully stepped toward the water and began to munch casually on a few tall wisps of grass.
My smile was quick to return as I studied the elk’s smoky fur and fluttering ears. Its enormous antlers hovered over an athletic mass of muscle and I stood humbled by its natural fortitude. I had never seen an elk in real life before and couldn’t help but whisper it a compliment. “Wow. You’re so strong.”
I watched my new acquaintance eat for a bit longer before deciding I was a bit hungry myself. The sun had started to disappear over the ridge, reminding me that I had probably been gone for a few hours by now. My fingers fumbled through a few sleepy pebbles in the clay bed under me until I found a smooth black one to take back home. After having decided on just the right stone, I took a final look at the elk and bowed my head at him respectfully. He blinked as he ate, then casually turned toward the forest and walked away.
The sun speckled its light onto a path that now felt familiar. With a pebble in my hoodie pocket and a song in my head, I began my walk back to the tree house. The afternoon had come and gone so easily. It was the first day I remember just being…simple.
I wished Nova were here. I bet she would like this walk as much as I had. I wondered if she had tried hiking since we had been separated, knowing that the woods always made her a little nervous. I mulled over the different places she could be living now, daydreaming about her one day living in Theory’s loft with me.
Grateful for a calm day, my heart warmed when I finally saw the colorful reflections of the tree house windows peeking through the tree tops. I stopped and looked at the woods surrounding me, taking in the birds and stillness one more time.
I sighed out loud and graciously bowed to the trees. “Thank you for today.”
With a foot already pushing me up the trunk of the tree, I left my new sanctuary to rest until our next adventure.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
I sat in the library, swiveling in my chair. It was slowly becoming more familiar; the rows of different-colored books held the same, predictable shadows from what little sunlight existed. The lines in the rug sat on the floor in exactly the same angle as they had the day before, and the temperature in the room held steady despite the weather outside.
“I was thinking we should start out with something that feels a bit safer today,” Theory suggested as she settled into her chair.
I liked the way she constantly reminded me that I was in a safe place, even if it wasn’t always directly. My head knew it was true, but my heart was still learning. I zipped up my hoodie, trying to prepare myself for today’s work. “Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.”
“Good. I was thinking we could set up some internal resources. Like, things that make you feel good that you can carry with you all the time.”
“Hmm, yeah, okay,” I said, not minding the idea of maybe feeling more secure in my own body.
“Wonderful. Let’s think of someone or something that relaxes your heart,” she said.
“Mm, like my sister?” I asked, already feeling awkward that I couldn’t think of anything more creative.
“Well, let’s branch away from people that you already know. Even if they’re people we care about deeply, they can sometimes be linked to scary memories and it is hard for them to feel completely safe on their own. You know, it might be easier to start backwards, actually. Tell me about something that scares you.”
My stomach dipped and I immediately thought of Him. I clenched my jaw and exhaled through my nose. “Mm, I don’t know.”
“It’s okay, Sam. We aren’t focusing on the scary part right now, we are just finding a place to start,” Theory reassured.
I took a deep breath, doing my best to trust her. “Okay, then, I guess. Him.”
“Very good. Now, if He was sitting here in this room with us, what would make you feel protected?”
The very thought of Him sitting in the library made my heart leap and my hands sweat. I didn’t like this conversation. “I don’t know. Nothing.”
Theory leaned forward with her hands folded. “Kiddo, it’s just me and you here. There aren’t any holograms or anything else that can hurt you. We are just talking, okay?”
I looked at Theory’s eyes, taking in how soft they were. I wanted so badly to do what she was asking. “Okay.”
“It can be anything, really. Maybe a powerful animal, like a shark or a rhino. Or, it can be your favorite superhero,” she smiled.
I smiled back, liking the idea of having someone in a cape swoop in and fight in my honor. Everyone I thought of seemed too small and weak against Him, though. Frustrated that it wasn’t easier to think of something cool, I huffed quietly and ran my fingers through my bangs. “Yeah, Theory, I don’t know. I’m sorry, I don’t know why this is so hard.”
“That’s okay, kiddo. This is hard because it’s new. How about this – how big is He?”
Squinting my eyes, I tried to picture his exact height. All I knew was that He spent my entire life towering far above me. “I’m not sure, but He’s way bigger than me. And definitely stronger.”
“Great, then we need someone bigger,” she said, matter-of-factly.
I looked up at Theory, smiling at her confidence. “Yeah, for sure.”
“All right then, how big?”
“Mm, like way taller than Him, for sure.”
“Okay, how tall is tall enough?”
“Hmmm,” I hummed while considering my options. “Like, a few stories high?”
“I like it,” said Theory enthusiastically. “Now, how wide is this person?”
“Mmm, really stocky,” I said, watching the form of a giant begin to materialize in my mind. “Like, it has tons of muscles and is made out of rocks. No, it’s made out of boulders!”
Theory smiled. “Ohh, nice! So a giant made of boulders.”
Suddenly I could feel the immensity of my new creation pulsing through my body. “Yeah, and when he walks the ground shakes like an earthquake. He can punch through the earth with his fists and if I’m in trouble he picks me up and attacks whatever is after me!”
“Wow, he sounds pretty impressive.”
“Yeah, he is. There’s no way anyone would have a chance against him,” I said proudly, now fully committing to my new resource of strength.
“Wonderful. Now, what should we call him?”
I mulled over different possibilities, but only one name seemed to fit. “Protector.”
“Hm,” said Theory. “Protector.”
I smiled, excited about having a new friend. “Yeah, Protector.”
“Good. Well, when it’s time to star track again, we will let Protector come out and play. Sound good?”
“Yes,” I quipped, almost looking forward to processing my memory again.
“In the meantime, we can talk about all the incredible things you will do after we take out the bad guys,” she said casually.
Wait, what in the world was she talking about? There was no way we were going to conquer the darkness that haunted me, let alone turn it into some kind of victorious new beginning. Why did she keep trying to convince me that I could get over this stuff? Was she crazy? I scoffed and shook my head, disappointed in myself for trusting her earlier. “Ugh, okay, whatever.”
Theory tilted her head, studying my reaction. “Uh-oh, what was that?”
“Nothing.”
“What is ‘nothing’?”
“Nothing! It’s just, what the heck are you talking about?”
“What do you mean?”
“You keep talking about this stuff like I have a chance at getting rid of it. Like, something good came from being messed with or something,” I said, growing angry again at her still not understanding how bad I actually had it.
“Some good things did come from it, though,” she challenged.
I laughed out loud, completely lost and rapidly losing resp
ect for the supposed healer that sat before me. “What good do you think came from being abused and neglected and hidden from any kind of help? Are you joking right now?”
“No, Sam. Don’t you see? He has given you power.”
I could feel the irritation roll my eyes back. “Right. Never mind.”
Theory ignored my fidgety doubt and continued. “Sam. When someone gives you a secret, they give you the power to do whatever you want with it. Some secrets are good, like those from best friends. Those kinds of secrets build trust and bridges to new relationships. Some secrets feel shameful though, like the ones that come from wolves.”
“Wolves?!”
“People that are predators, like Him,” she clarified.
“Oh, okay. Got it,” I said, suddenly pondering the growls I had heard in the forest again.
“The kinds of secrets that feel shameful to hold can dissolve your vitality and sever the goodness of the world surrounding. When a wolf hurts you, then demands that you not tell anyone, He has given you the power to expose Him. You now carry His secret, not yours. I mean, can you imagine the tremendous wave of panic He would experience if you lifted that veil and exposed Him to the world for what He really was?”
Theory chuckled at her own scenario. “I venture to guess that it would be worse than anything He made you feel.”
I was stunned.
Theory was right. I had been holding onto other peoples’ secrets, not my own. I had never thought of it that way before. I felt like I finally had something on Him. As liberating as this idea was, it didn’t settle well in my stomach.
“But it’s scary to tell a secret,” I admitted out loud.
“Mm, yes. But not as scary as it is not to tell,” Theory reciprocated.
“Sam, it has been your grit that has kept you alive all of these years. And it will be your courage, now, that gives you the possibility of living out the rest of your life in a way that makes sense to you, personally. It is up to you to decide how to use the secrets given to you.”
My eyes fixed upon Theory. I could feel determination swelling inside me.
I decided it was time to tell her my story.
Theory smirked. “Hm.”
“What?” I asked, half distracted.
“Your eyes, Sam. They just changed colors again.”
CHAPTER TWELVE
Theory and I stood as equals in a darkened library. We had decided to try processing my memory again, only this time, from a new perspective.
“Listen, if things get too scary, remember that it isn’t real and that I’m right here with you. If you need more back-up, you can call in Protector. If he isn’t enough, then we will create more power to make you feel safe,” she said protectively.
I looked at her, feeling determined to get rid of this memory. “Got it. Let’s do this.”
Theory studied my face for a moment, as if to make sure I was telling the truth. She nodded to confirm that she had heard me, and then raised her arm to dim the lights of the library. As the room darkened, a single green star appeared in the atmosphere before me.
“Ready?” she asked, making sure I was certain.
I stood up straight and balled up my fists. “Yeah. Let’s do this.”
With the wave of her arm, the green star began to move.
Left, right, left, right.
“Remember you have control over this,” Theory reminded me.
“Okay,” I said, trying to settle my nerves.
Left, right, left, right.
The hologram room flickered to life in front of me. Again, two little girls sat playing with one another. Okay, now we need to count to ten before we jump up and catch the flying fish so that they can’t get into the pond again!
Left, right, left, right.
My heart instantly began to race, remembering how quickly it turned violent last time. Theory walked up beside me, just enough to let me know that she was there. “The bad stuff has already happened, Sam. It’s in the past. All we are doing now is deciding how to react to it. You get to control what happens now.”
Left, right, left, right.
The hologram of little-me and Nova giggled together, busily readying their fish for the big debut. Okay, I’m going to count now! Get ready for the flying fish!
I instinctively bent my knees a bit, getting ready to protect the kids again from their impending danger.
Theory held up an arm to block me from moving into the hologram. “This isn’t your fight, Sam; it’s theirs. Give them whatever they need, using your imagination.”
I could feel my stomach twist, knowing that my time was limited before He knocked on the hologram. “Like what? They’re too small to fight Him!”
Left, right, left, right.
Ten, nine, eight counted the little-me in her proud kid-voice again.
Left, right, left, right.
“What would make them feel safe?” Theory asked, rushing for me to make a decision.
Left, right, left, right.
“I don’t know. Maybe weapons?”
“Yes, okay. What kind?” she pressed.
I imagined a huge wooden staff and a shield. Before I could tell Theory out loud though, little-me was holding a long wooden stick in her hands. Her expression had changed from happy to determined, and she leaned back in a stance that signaled her readiness to fight whatever was coming.
My memory was changing.
I felt confused, wondering how she had accessed the weapons so instantly. Looking over at Nova, I saw that she also stood ready, carrying a shield that was just as big as she was. I was already in more control of my memory.
Left, right, left, right.
Seven, six, fiiiiiiive…counted little-me in a deep voice, looking over the horizon of her staff with an expression of courage that I knew for sure I had never made as a child.
Left, right, left, right.
My heart was pounding inside my chest suddenly, remembering what came after “five.”
Left, right, left, right.
GIRLS?!
“Oh man, He’s here,” I said out loud, trying to warn the girls.
“Help them learn what to do to be safe this time,” coached Theory from beside me.
Left, right, left, right.
Girls, where the hell are you?! boomed the voice.
Left, right, left, right.
Get ready, seester…said little-me to Nova all of a sudden. But, she wasn’t talking about the flying fish game anymore. No, now her attention was ferociously focused on the door that we all knew would eventually burst open and reveal our monster.
Left, right, left, right.
“Wait, I don’t remember that part. Why is stuff changing?” I blurted, confused that the script was now changing, too.
“Sam, just focus on – ”
BOOM!
With the ferocity of a hurricane, the hologram door busted open and exposed Him.
Left, right, left, right.
Suddenly the girls dropped their weapons and cowered to the floor. His voice exploded like thunder, Do you have any idea how much noise you’re making?!
Left, right, left, right.
“Wait, why aren’t they fighting? I can’t make them get up,” I said, panicking.
“Sam, slow down and remember how you were helping them,” said Theory with an urgency in her voice.
Left, right, left, right.
“I can’t, Theory. He’s too big!” I yelled, watching Nova hide under her shield as He began to march toward little-me.
“Bring in Protector, Sam. Now,” Theory demanded.
Left, right, left, right.
Before I could figure out how Protector might help though, the floor of the library rumbled. I looked around, wondering if there was an earthquake outside. The girls seemed surprised, too, because their attention immediately refocused on the ground.
Left, right, left, right.
As He rose His fist to hit little-me, a massive hand made of rock swooped in from the sky an
d grabbed Him by the neck.
“Protector!” I cheered.
Protector stepped fully into view, his enormous stature taking up all of the hologram room. With the slight shift of a rock arm, Protector lifted Him off the floor by His neck.
Left, right, left, right.
Dangling by His feet and terrified, I watched in awe as Protector dominated our abuser.
“We’re winning,” I yelled toward Theory.
“Good! Now, what do you want to do with him?” she asked.
I turned toward her, amazed by the sudden power I was given to control the very man that had hurt me all of my life. The possibilities raced through my head quicker than I could keep up with. I looked back Him, watching Him choke under Protector’s tight grip. I felt angry and powerful. “Kill him.”
Left, right, left, right.
With the swoosh of an arm, Protector lifted Him so high that we all lost sight of His feet. Protector suspended Him in the air for a moment, then came down with the speed and shock of a lightning bolt, slamming Him into the ground.
WHAM!
Left, right, left, right.
Little-me and Nova rose to their feet and walked carefully to the giant crater in the ground. Nova’s tiny voice broke the silence. He’s dead.
“Haha, did you hear that, Theory? He’s dead,” I cheered again, feeling satisfied with my choice in ending Him.
“Mm, yes. For now, at least,” she said in a deep voice.
I spun around to face her. “What do you mean, for now?” The hologram suspended into a pause.
“A big memory like this can take several tries to get rid of. You did very well this round, but ultimately, little-you must defeat Him on her own. Once she feels that kind of power, you will feel it, too. It is that power specifically that will take away your fear of Him. Unfortunately, we have a little ways to go still.”
Her words hit me like a semi-truck. I felt disappointed and anxious. “But He’s so much bigger than little-me. There’s no way I can do that.”
“There is a way, Sam. You started with weapons, but then the fear of Him crept its way back into you. It is completely normal to still have that kind of fear. But I assure you that there is more we can do to empower your younger self,” she said, trying to make me feel better.
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