Sam's Theory

by Sarah Mendivel

  P.S.: I didn’t know how to tell you last night. Try not to be mad at me. But… I think I found out where your sister is.

  “Make a list of things that give you energy and things that take it away; then do your very best to make sure the ‘giving’ side wins.”

  -Theory

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  I spent the next few days obsessing over Dodger’s note. I obsessed over it while laying on the living room couch, staring into space for what was probably hours on end. I obsessed over it while drinking the juice Theory left out for me each morning, often forgetting to finish all of it. I obsessed over it while drawing, hardly being able to complete anything I started.

  Finally, Theory had had enough of my obsessing and called me out. “So, Sam, you wanna tell me what’s been keeping your mind so busy recently?

  She sounded irked, but I couldn’t blame her. I was so distracted since being back that I canceled our last couple of 4:00 talks so that I could sit in my loft and obsess even more. I couldn’t help it, though. I couldn’t stop picturing Dodger breaking into random houses in some unnamed neighborhood trying to find Nova.

  How in the world had he found her? I had spent years looking and never so much came across the city she might be living in. Was he going to bring her back with the other kids he was retrieving? Were they all living together somewhere? Was Nova in a group home, too?

  “Sam.”

  “Theory, sorry,” I said, forcing myself to snap back long enough to make eye contact with her.

  “Kiddo, where have you been? Ever since you came back you’ve been off in another world. Talk to me,” she said, now sounding genuinely concerned.

  I looked at her, debating whether or not I should tell her. “Yeah, I know. Sorry.”

  “Mm. Come sit down and let’s catch up,” she said, motioning toward our chairs.

  I cautiously lowered myself into my chair, playing with Dodger’s note in my pocket. Theory looked at my hoodie pocket, then up at me. “So, you saw Dodger.”

  “Yeah,” I said nervously. “I told you that.”

  “Yes you did. And you said it was ‘nice’ seeing him again, and that he left suddenly the next morning. It sounds like he’ll be back in a few days. How do you feel about seeing him again?”

  I shrugged my shoulders. “Fine.”

  “Mm hm. Did something happen when Dodger left to make you anxious about seeing him again?”

  I looked Theory dead in the eye, wondering how long I could hold out before she figured it all out on her own. I breathed deep and bent my head toward my lap. “No, not really. Well, I mean he didn’t do anything mean or anything. Not mean, that isn’t what I meant.”

  “What did Dodger do that made you uncomfortable?”

  I looked back up at Theory, then rolled my eyes. “Ugh, fine! He left me this note and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it.”

  Theory held still, as if I hadn’t said anything. “What note?”

  “This one!” I pulled the worn piece of paper from my pocket and held it up to her dramatically. “Read it!”

  “Okay, Sam,” she said calmly, reaching for the nearly disintegrated paper.

  I watched her unfold it, shaking my leg in anticipation. Her face was flat, making it hard to read her reaction. How was she not freaking out? Could she not read his handwriting? It wasn’t that messy. Wait, maybe I had crunched the paper too much and there were some words torn off of it. Maybe she wasn’t getting the whole message. What was taking her so long to say something? I couldn’t hold it in anymore. “Can you read it all okay?”

  “I can, thank you,” she said coolly.

  Wait, what did that mean? Why wasn’t she over analyzing it like she normally does? Was I in another reality suddenly? I scooted forward in my chair and placed my elbows on my knees. “Dodger said he knows where my sister’s at.”

  “I see that,” she said, still staring at the letter.

  “Well, do you think it’s true?” I asked, trying not to raise my voice so that I could match Theory’s level of calm.

  She folded the note back up and handed it to me. She then sat back in her chair and folded her hands pensively. “If it is, how do you feel about possibly seeing your sister again?”

  My stomach dropped and my anxiety turned to confusion. “I…I don’t know.”

  “Well, kiddo, this is a big deal,” admitted Theory, finally.

  “Yeah, I know,” I said, grateful that she finally coughed up a response.

  “Okay, well, let’s break this down into smaller pieces so it feels more manageable,” she suggested.

  I was thankful that she was taking control again. “Okay.”

  “Do you feel ready to see your sister again?”

  My heart began to race. “I don’t know. Yeah, I guess. I mean, yes, for sure. I’ve been looking for her for years.”

  “True. Okay, good. What are you most excited about when you think of seeing her again?”

  Man, she always asked the most poignant questions. I ran my fingers through my bangs and thought about all of the great things Nova offered. “Everything. I mean, I miss her sense of humor and her knowing me better than anyone else. She’s always been my entire world. She’s how I survived all of that hard stuff growing up.”

  “It sounds like she was your purpose for living, at least for a while,” reflected Theory.

  “Yeah,” I said, thinking of how protective I still felt of her. “she definitely was.”

  “Well, Sam, this is something to think about. Your sister aside, you are about to embark on a part of your journey that reintroduces people into your life. You have been living on your own, away from everything, for months. You’ve had time to rest, catch up to yourself, and heal. That means there is space in your heart again for people and experiences. That also means that you need to be protective about what you fill that space with.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, think about the broken arm we talked about a while ago. This is the part where you take off the cast and start using your hand to do things again. You wouldn’t run right back into the dangerous situation that broke your arm in the first place, would you?”

  “No, never!”

  “Right. Well, this is the same situation. You have healed in many ways, but this is a chance to take care of those new parts by surrounding yourself with people who are going to be good influences on you. Choose people who will challenge you in healthy ways and inspire you to grow. Be careful of being around things that might hurt you again.”

  “I see. That makes sense.”

  “This is an exciting time for you, Sam. It is also part of the growth process. Being in this space means you did something right. You don’t need to know exactly how you feel about Dodger, Nova, and whoever else climbs up that mountain, but you should know how you feel about yourself and the things that you value. If you have a strong sense of yourself, then you will have an easier time setting yourself up for success. Does all of that make sense?”

  “Yeah, thank you,” I said, trying to reflect on what was important to me now. All I knew for sure was that I couldn’t go back into any abusive situations. And that the way Theory had treated me had helped me grow. I wanted to find more people like her from now on. I knew Nova would be one of those people.

  “Well, kiddo. I am proud of you for taking this next leap. Let’s let this note rest and just see what happens. Remember which feeling will visit you if you try and obsess over something that you can’t do anything about in the moment?”

  I smiled. “Anxiety.”

  Theory winked at me. “You got it. Let’s avoid that one and rejoin ‘happy’ at the kitchen table over dinner, yes?”

  I laughed, feeling relieved to have finally talked everything out. “Yes, please.”

  The rest of the week seemed to zip by in an instant. Theory, in typical Theory fashion, had left my backpack and snacks by the front door to say goodbye without actually having to say it. She knew I did better w
ith transitions when I didn’t have to talk about them.

  I slung the backpack that was quickly becoming my new friend over my shoulder and turned around to take a look at the library. I thought back to our conversation about needing to soon decide on who I wanted to surround myself with. I wondered if Dodger would really bring anyone back with him this time, and if we would all get along. Part of me wished Dodger and I could just set up camp by ourselves and live out the rest of our lives in the mountains alone. I knew that wasn’t realistic though, and quickly shook the idea from my head before closing the door of the house behind me.

  I climbed down the tree and removed Theory’s hand-drawn map from my hoodie pocket. It had held up nicely, despite the run of adventures it had been through already. I started walking toward the mountain ridge, hoping the sun would hold until I got to Lake Isabel.

  I stopped for a snack at the waterfalls, peering into the pond enough to catch a reflection of myself. My eyes shone past the ripples of water and I wondered what Nova looked like now. Had she grown up to be my height? Maybe she was taller than me now. Was she still living with Her? I wondered if She had remarried or if She had given up on relationships all together. I knew I would if I ever married someone like Him.

  I splashed water on my face and decided to keep walking. My mind toiled over Nova for a few minutes, but the climb toward the ridge replaced my sister’s face with Dodger’s. I had missed him since the last time we saw one another. A smile stretched over my face thinking of our campfire night. He always had such a great attitude about things, despite the circumstances of his life. It was definitely an energy I wanted to continue to be around.

  As I reached the wall of pine trees, I could make out a glimmer of the lake’s surface. My heart leapt knowing I was closer to Dodger. My pace quickened into a jog and I split through the trees like a bird sailing through the atmosphere looking for insects to chase. A tiny stream of white smoke floated from a fire pit on the other side of the lake.

  Suddenly my excitement turned to worry. Was Dodger already here? He seemed to show up early to everything in general. What if someone else had found our spot in the time that we were away? Careful about running into any strangers, I stepped lightly along the perimeter of trees.

  “Dodger?” I called carefully while scanning the lake front for possible intruders.

  “Sam!” yelled back a brawny voice almost immediately. From behind a giant cedar materialized a smiling Dodger. His coffee colored hair fell over his eyebrows as he ran in my direction. He seemed happy to see me, which naturally sent a flutter of fireworks crackling through my system. I jogged toward him until we crashed into an embrace that sent my world spinning.

  He let go quickly, but left a hand on my shoulder. “Guess what,” he said, nearly out of breath.

  I could feel the blood rush to my cheeks as he kept his hand on me and tried to focus on his words. “What? What is it?”

  He stood up straight, reluctantly taking his hand back. “I brought some back.”

  Suddenly the trance of his touch dissolved and I felt unsure about what we were talking about. “Wait, what? Seriously?”

  “Yeah! Come on,” he motioned. “I’ll introduce you!”

  “Wait, Dodger,” I said, feeling myself growing irritated.

  He stopped in his tracks, fully aware of my changing tone. “What’s up, Sam?”

  I gave him a sarcastic look. “My sister?! You randomly left to go find her and didn’t run it by me first. Are you going to tell me where she is?”

  Dodger shook his head. “Listen, Sam, she’s okay. That’s all you need to know.”

  “Um, says who?! She’s my sister and I want to be there when we get her.”

  “That isn’t a good idea.”

  A heat of anger flushed over my face. “You’re going to stop me from helping save my own sister?”

  Dodger walked up and set a hand on my shoulder again. “No. No, Sam, of course not. Sam, listen….it’s just easier this way. You have way more invested in this than I do. You told me forever ago that if you ever saw her again you’d probably lose it and not know how to react. That can’t happen if we’re trying to break her out of her situation, you know? I know how to get in and out of things quickly. You have to trust me.”

  I chewed on his words a bit, wanting to spit them back out at him. Instead, I took a deep breath knowing he was right about my being too reactive about Nova. “Yeah, I get that. It’s fine. Just tell me before you leave next time, okay? It kind of sucks knowing you just ghost randomly.”

  “Of course,” Dodger said, his eyes softening. “I’m sorry I do that sometimes. I’ll try to do better.”

  “Yeah, yeah,” I said, playfully pushing him to the side and walking toward our birch trees.

  “Anyway, you’re gonna love this next part,” he said, running ahead of me.

  “Whatever,” I said, rolling my eyes. I hated how much I liked him.

  Dodger climbed over roots and logs of driftwood, making his way toward the trees where we had met less than a week before. As we drew closer to the stark white trunk of our safe space, I noticed a tiny hand resting in the dirt beside it. I slowed my pace and approached cautiously.

  Dodger lowered his voice and suddenly beamed with pride as we sauntered closer to the mound our birch sat on. “This is Rishawn and Mikayla. They’re cousins.”

  I rounded the tree just enough to make out two seemingly small, sleepy bodies leaning on one another. A boy, no older than eight years old, sat snoring against his older female cousin. The boy’s face, although lost somewhere in a dream, seemed energetic and rambunctious. Whatever dream floated above him stayed tied to the world by a ribbon of drool that he left all over the shoulder of his cousin, Mikayla. Her sleeping face appeared far more serious.

  “Where are they from?” I whispered, feeling awkward about watching them sleep.

  “They’re rez kids, too. Mikayla’s a couple years younger than us. They heard about The Collective and wanted to be the first to leave. Their parents had a pretty twisted run on drugs and bailed on them last year. Rishawn said they hadn’t eaten in days by the time a neighbor reported them and the cops came. Neglect, I guess.” Dodger’s expression softened into a protective affect I hadn’t seen before. He looked like a father eagle standing fiercely over his nest.

  “How long will you be here this time?” I asked, breaking his concentration.

  “Long enough to build a few shelters for us and the new kids I’m bringing up next week. These two will end up being good leaders,” he said confidently.

  I looked at Rishawn’s very kid-like blue sneakers and grew skeptical. “Really?”

  Before Dodger could reply, a voice from the ground abruptly and defensively cut through the quiet of the afternoon. “And who are you to judge us?” Mikayla sat up and starred me down. Apparently she wasn’t fully asleep.

  “No, sorry, that’s not what I meant,” I fumbled over my words trying to recover.

  Mikayla stood up and revealed herself to be just as tall as me, despite being younger. She wiped the dirt from her pants and nudged her cousin with her knee. “Wake up, Rishawn.”

  “Mm,” mumbled the tired boy.

  “Rishawn!” Mikayla yelled, making sure she wouldn’t have to say his name again.

  “What! Dang! Why you always yellin’?” Rishawn rubbed the dreams from his eyes and looked up at me awkwardly. “Who are you?”

  I jumped at the chance to introduce myself and hopefully make amends. “Hi, I’m Sam!”

  I stuck my hand out to help him up. With an animated swing of his arm, he put his little hand into mine and pulled himself up like a jack-in-the-box. “Sam? That’s a nice name, Sam. You got any food, Sam?”

  Relieved that he seemed to be friendlier than his cousin, I zipped open my bag. “I do. I made some sandwiches and brought everyone some—”

  “What kind of sorry azz dinner is that?” Mikayla interrupted. “Y’all brought us all the way up here through the frekin’
trees and hills and now all we got to eat is a sandwich? And you’re all happy and smiley about it?”

  “Hey, I like sandwiches!” growled Rishawn. “What kind are they?”

  Afraid to say anything else, I handed him a peanut butter and jelly from my bag. He held it in his hand examining it gleefully. “Wow, it looks like you’re a good cook! Thanks!” He turned toward his cousin to correct her. “And, I liked the walk up here! I saw a frog!” I was learning that Rishawn only spoke in yells.

  Mikayla rolled her eyes at him and crossed her arms. Dodger stepped forward and patted her arm. “Hey Mikayla, this is my friend Sam. She’s a solid kid and we wouldn’t be free right now without her. Let’s just take it easy tonight and get to know the lake.”

  Mikayla stood like a rock, avoiding eye contact with everyone. Meanwhile, Rishawn hummed through his sandwich and spit bits of crust out as he blurted. “Where we gonna sleep, Dodge?”

  Dodger knelt down before him and enthusiastically shared his plan. “Well bud, we have tents. But, I was thinking we’d build some shelters out of the stuff around here. There’s tons of driftwood for the house walls and pine branches to put over them to avoid the rain.”

  Muffled by a bite of bread, Rishawn then requested his shelter have a skylight. Dodger laughed and stated that this would be his first order of business. I watched Mikayla shake her head in disgust as their conversation continued. After much huffing, she finally wandered away from the group for a bit.

  “Don’t worry about her,” Rishawn said casually to me as he wiped his hands together after eating. “She’s not really that mean. She’s just worried about us and is mad at our parents for leaving again.”

  My heart understood. “Yeah? Well, that’s a tough one. I think all of us have hard feelings for different reasons right now.”

  Rishawn pulled my hoodie sleeve toward him and motioned that he had a secret to tell me. I leaned toward him, expecting a grand idea on how to manage my interactions with Mikayla. Instead, he looked me dead in the eye and quietly said. “You make a great sandwich.”