“Why did you think that’d be funny?” I growled possessively.
“I don’t know, Sam, I’m sorry,” she begged.
“I’m okay,” Dodger said, teeth chattering. “I’m fine.”
“You aren’t okay, you almost drowned,” I pushed, furious at Mikayla for ruining the game and hurting Dodger. Water dripped from his hair and created puddles in the sand. I could see goose bumps forming on his arms as he worked to slow his breathing. I couldn’t believe how afraid he had looked.
Dodger used his arm to prop himself up. “I’m okay. Let’s just chill out for a minute.” Even though it was his crisis, Dodger continued to take care of us by giving us directions. We all sat in a circle around him without speaking a word. Finally, he calmed down and reported feeling warm again.
Mikayla sat with her head bowed, awkwardly glancing at Dodger occasionally to make sure he was still breathing. Finally, Dodger let out a deep sigh. “Thanks, guys.”
Mikayla broke down. “Dodge, I swear I didn’t know that would happen. I am seriously sorry you almost got hurt.”
“It’s okay, you didn’t know I was afraid of deep water,” he said with a heavy heart. “I should have told you guys I don’t really know how to swim.”
“You can’t swim?!” Rishawn asked, unable to conceal his surprise.
“No, I never learned how,” Dodger replied stoically.
“Well, your parents never taught you? I mean, with all the stuff they probably didn’t do for you, they at least they took you to the pool a couple of times, right?” pressed Rishawn, genuinely trying to understand.
Dodger sat with his legs crossed, running his hand through his thick brown hair in an effort to dry it out quicker. “No, not really, bud. I actually never knew my parents. They gave me up when I was a year old.”
The group fell dead silent.
A year old? That meant that Dodger had grown up in the system completely. It meant that, even though we had all been through hell with our people back home, at least we knew who they were and who we could be angry at. Who did Dodger point all of his hurt and anger at? How did he survive without anyone around him at all? How was he so good with us if he never had anyone be good with him? It seemed that Dodger may have earned the title of “orphan” more than any one of us.
No wonder he had such a passion for starting The Orphan’s Collective.
“So,” Rishawn tried again, stumbling over his words. “you spent your whole life in rez?”
Dodger’s face clouded over with shame, as if his darkest secret had been revealed. I couldn’t tell if he was crying because of how wet his face still was from the lake. His voice deepened as he spoke toward the ground. “Yeah.”
Rishawn shook his head in disbelief, as if he had heard it all, but this one took the cake. “Wow.”
Dodger looked up and forced a smile. “Yep. Nineteen placements in sixteen years.”
Mikayla and I continued to sit humbled in silence. Rishawn scooted closer to his big friend and laid an arm over his shoulder. “It’s okay, Dodge. This is the last place you’ll ever have to be now. With us.”
Dodger smiled bravely and leaned over to touch his forehead to Rishawn’s. Mikayla and I also wrapped our arms around Dodger to let him know we were still there for him, too.
“You know,” Miakyla said softly. “I’m afraid of heights.”
We all looked up at her, bewildered by her vulnerability. Dodger sensed her attempt to make peace and smiled at her forgivingly. “So does this mean you’re going to climb a tree or go sky diving to make us even?”
Mikayla shot him a look of alarm, worried that he was being serious. Dodger laughed. “I’m just kidding, friend. Thanks for telling me that.”
Mikayla’s demeanor mellowed again. “Yeah, well, we’re probably all afraid of stuff.”
It was the first time I had seen Mikayla look regretful since she had triggered Rishawn into hitting himself a few weeks ago. I was finding that the more time I spent with her, the more authentic she seemed. Admiring her attempt to make things right, I took a deep breath and jumped into the confession pool too. “I’m afraid to be by myself for too long. I don’t know why, really. Well, maybe I kind of do, I guess. But either way, I just know that I don’t like it.”
The group met my disclosure with an affectionate stare. Dodger, in particular, looked at me with curious compassion. His eyes were a heavy brown, like the coat of the elk I had seen on my walk in the woods several weeks before. They felt reassuring and loving.
Before I could add anything though, Rishawn finished us off. “I hate the dark. It’s why I’m always the first one in the tent for bed. I mean, ya just don’t know when a bear’s gonna try and come after your draws!”
The group paused for a moment before all breaking into laughter. Rishawn laughed the loudest of all of us. “It’s a real fear, guys!”
Dodger reached out and squeezed his smaller friend. “We know, little brother.”
Rishawn leaned into Dodger, eating up the energy of his embrace. “Ya know, when I’m around y’all, I don’t really feel like an orphan. I’m glad I don’t, ‘cuz feeling like one is hard.”
Mikayla, in her continued state of openness, nodded her head in agreement. “Yep. It feels like being in a pothole all the time. You’re just stuck in the middle of the street in this ditch and no one sees you. Like, there’re people walking past you on the sidewalk, holdin’ hands or whatever, but you ain’t got no one. Who knows why they get people and we don’t. Maybe their parents told them some secret to keeping folks around that ours never did.”
Her description of loneliness resonated within me. Moved by her candor, I added my own perspective. “I get that. It’s like this one time when I was walking to the store, after I moved into rez. I remember seeing these parents walking by with their kids, who were our age. The kids were so annoyed by them, rolling their eyes while their parents were talking and probably offering advice. I remember being kind of jealous that I didn’t have parents ever visiting me, then getting mad at those kids for not appreciating what they have.”
My confession twisted my stomach. I thought of other lonely moments I had had, knowing some I’d likely never share out loud. Like all the times I would only take the bus during rush hour when it was crowded, because it had been so long I had gone without any kind of affection that I felt comforted being squished in between strangers. I would sit shoved between people, absorbing the pressure they naturally created. Every time the bus would stop, it would make people lean into me more and I’d close my eyes to pretend they were someone I cared about. It always felt so empty when the person next to me would stand up to get off at their stop and I’d have to be alone again. Those bus rides were sometimes the closest thing I’d have to a hug in months.
All people needed to be touched in safe, loving ways.
Kids especially.
“I think there are super powers that come with being an orphan, though,” my mouth said before my brain could confirm that it was a good idea.
Mikayla’s eyebrows raised. “Oh yeah?”
“Yeah,” I replied, before my big, philosophical moment chickened out. “Like, we’re probably better at bringing people together, because we know what it’s like to feel left out. So we might be better at making people feel important.”
Dodger nodded in agreement. “Yeah, that’s what we do in our group. I think kids who have been through scary stuff can also see the tiny details of a person better than other people can. Like, we notice when people get a haircut right away, or if they have a funny looking tooth.”
Rishawn busted out laughing. “What? Why’s that?”
Dodge laughed alongside him. “It’s true! It’s because we had to grow up in environments where we had to notice every little detail, mood, and sign of change to be safe. So now, we’re just naturally more observant than other people. We’re built-in detectives, because life taught us to look out more.”
I felt a weight on my heart suddenly. I thou
ght of how being an orphan gave me the wisdom of seven lifetimes lived. I thought of how I had been carrying that wisdom with me all of these years, but now I had people to share it with. I wondered how many other kids out there felt that way.
My experiences had given me an insight into human nature that most other people would never receive. It made me wise, which usually meant I was the one person my friends went to for advice. It also meant that no one would ever ask if I was okay, because they assumed I was always strong enough to handle my own stuff. It felt liberating to finally have other kids around that got it, even if we did have to end up in the middle of nowhere to discover it all.
As the group continued to talk, a sense of closeness wrapped itself around us. We sat in the late sun of the afternoon, drying off together, and doing our best to release the rest of our secrets and hopes out loud.
“If other people’s issues are taking away the ability to express your feelings, then a boundary is being crossed.”
-Theory
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
It was the first warm night of the season. I realized it had been weeks since I had seen Theory. The fire crackled loudly, spitting embers into the toasty evening air. Rishawn and Dodger wrestled near the water as Mikayla hollered reminders. “Fight above tha waistline, please! I don’t wanna come rescue anyone ‘cuz y’all hit each other’s boy bits.”
I sat on the ground nearby, leaning back on my hands and staring at the night sky. The moon had a silver face on tonight, radiating pearly stretches of light across the ripples of lake. In between the scuffle of shoes, the busy chirping of squirrels readying themselves for bed could be heard.
Scanning the surface of the lake, a speck of icy blue light illuminated a few feet from the shore. I sat up, adjusting my eyes. The speck shifted in the calm wrinkle of the water, then seemed to duplicate itself a few inches away. I rubbed my eyes, wondering if the moonlight was playing tricks on me. Moments later, several specks of neon blue light began to illuminate from the same spot in the lake.
As I rose to my feet, Dodger noticed my intent gaze and looked toward the lake as well. We both froze, now seeing the same thing. Rishawn leapt onto Dodger’s back. “I got you now, sucka!”
“Shhh, buddy, look,” Dodge said calmly. Rishawn caught sight of the lake and sat like a statue attached to his big friend’s back.
Mikayla turned her head to meet our common focal point. “Whoa, what is that?”
The entire length of our beach was now radiating in a blanket of electric blue dots. We all took turns walking to the edge of the water to get a closer look. The brilliant spots continued to multiply and take us by surprise.
Rishawn, still comfortably perched on Dodge’s back, leaned closer to me. “Sam, Isabel is glowing!”
Enthralled by this iridescent gift of nature, I place a warm hand on Rishawn’s back. “She sure is, friend.”
“What is it?” Mikayla repeated.
“I think it’s bioluminescent algae,” I said.
“Pssh, I don’t know what that is, but this is one rad scene,” she replied softly.
“No, you’re right Sam. I saw it in a magazine once. People usually kayak over it,” Dodger confirmed.
As the waves lapped over the stones in front of us, the ultra glow of algae continued to expand. Dodger set Rishawn down and took off his shoes.
“Whatchya doin’ Dodge?!” Rishawn crowed.
“I wanna see how warm the water is,” he answered, focused entirely on the cobalt horizon.
Mikayla and I looked at each other, quietly impressed that Dodger was feeling so brave with water again.
“Okay, then, me too,” said Rishawn, racing to get his shoes off before Mikayla could protest.
Dodger walked into the water, balling his fists in anticipation of colder temperatures. “No way,” he said, surprised. “It’s warm, guys!” The blue glow bounced off the front of his body and his smile radiated just as bright as the water did. “Anyone up for the rope swing?”
We all looked at one another and took off running at the same time. We had fashioned a swing a couple days ago to fight a bout of boredom and it had been our new obsession ever since. Our feet raced through the sand and up the mound that our beloved cedar rested on. Dodger was the first to tease it awake by hopping on its back. “I’ll go first!”
“I’m next!” yelled Rishawn, pulling off his shirt excitedly.
“How about you?” I said to Mikayla, who suddenly looked hesitant about adventuring into a glow-in-the-dark lake.
“Eh, I don’t know. I should probably watch y’all and make sure none of y’all make some stupid move that gets y’all drowned,” she smirked, trying to hide her nervousness.
“You know, it can’t hurt you. It’s just this super tiny organism that already lives in the lake. We’ve probably swam over it a million times. It’s like a magic trick nature does when there aren’t a lot of people around,” I said, trying to reassure her.
She stood with her arms crossed, glancing at the water suspiciously. “You can go first.”
I smiled, glad that she was at least considering it. “Okay, no rush. It’ll probably be gone in a few minutes anyway.”
Dunk!
Splash!
Dodger and Rishawn had swung into the lake already, their laughs echoing off the mountain ridges. The sky was pitch black and starry above us. I took my shoes off and carefully climbed onto the leaning back of our leaning spruce. The bark was still cool from the last rain. I reached for the rope and steadied myself, watching the silhouette of the boys float over the ribbons of blue light below them.
I took in a deep breath of mountain air and savored the magic that this moment was allowing us. A part of me suddenly missed Theory and wondered if she had ever seen a glowing lake like this before. I wondered what she was up to, imagining her in the library reading next to Sage and Cadence. I wondered if she thought about me, too. I stepped closer to the edge of the branch, exhilarated by a rush of freedom, and whispered to myself. “This one’s for you Theory.”
Plunk! I sank to the bottom of the lake, blinded by a wash of light around me. I held my breath and ran my fingers over the iridescent floor. It was slimy, the way I had imagined the banana slug in the library window to feel. A few tiny bubbles drifted from my nose to the surface, like floating crystal balls.
“Sam, over here,” called Dodger when I broke through the face of the water. I smiled and swam toward the boys. They were taking turns pushing one another’s heads under water in the shallow end and splashing glow stick water into the night sky. I glided into their rip tides of energy, being careful not to get pulled into the dunking game.
“I’m gonna go make Mikayla jump in,” announced Rishawn.
“Go for it,” said Dodge, half doubting his ambition. Rishawn furiously dog paddled back to shore and immediately began to dance in front of his cousin, as if doing the “running man” was the most certain way to persuade her into the water.
“He’s ridiculous,” said Dodger shaking his head. I watched his glowing profile, noticing the beads of light hanging from his hair. His chin dipped into the water as he swam in place. “I bet he gets her in here, though.”
Without looking away from Dodger’s sparkling features, I forced a reply. “Yeah, probably.”
He rotated toward me, catching my tone. We floated face-to-face, less than a foot away from one another. My heart leapt into a run and I uncomfortably tried to make conversation. “It’s so pretty out here.”
Dodger’s eyes steadied on mine. “Yeah, it is.”
His voice was deep and certain. From the silky cool water that my body levitated in came a strong hand that tangled itself into mine. Dodger gripped my hand with the same strength that he had used when we first shook hands nearly a year ago. Gently pulling me toward him, I could feel the warmth of his breath lightly land on my mouth. There seemed to be stars in his eyes right before he kissed me.
As he pulled away, he took my breath with him. Lighthe
aded and floating in place, I took a final look at his eyes before Riashawn’s calls finally cracked through the thickness of the atmosphere. “You guys! Mikayla said she’ll only jump in if we all do it at the same time!”
Dodger smiled sweetly at me, then pushed off the bottom of the lake toward our friends without saying a word. I watched him paddle to the beach while my insides melted into a lovesick mess. Closing my eyes, I relived the kiss once more to try and hold onto the sensation.
“Sam, come on,” interrupted Rishawn.
I opened my eyes to see all three of my best friends waving at me from on top of our tree. The excitement of having a circle of people to belong to spurred my body into motion. I swam as fast as I could to the edge of the beach where Dodger met me with an outstretched hand. I let him pull me to my feet as my heart drifted into the clouds. We shared a look of understanding, and then turned toward the group with our full attention.
“I said I’m only jumpin’ if y’all jump with me. I just told y’all I hate heights,” stated Mikayla, making an effort to sound more like she was complaining rather than feeling scared.
“Okay, friend,” I said, “Let’s all hold hands and do it.”
Rishawn instantly grabbed for Dodge’s hand and mine. I used my other hand to lock into Mikayla’s’, squeezing it tightly to let her know I was committed to her. We all looked out into the neon blue glow of the lake and counted in unison. “One...two…three!”
And with a giant lunge of collective courage, we all dove into the depths of Lake Isabel.
Hours later, long after everyone had fallen asleep, I was still awake and replaying the kiss with Dodge in my head over and over again. Knowing full well I wouldn’t be falling asleep any time soon, I sat up and thought of the only person I felt safe sharing the news with.
Being extra cautious to not wake Mikayla, I unzipped the tent slowly and crawled out of it with the speed of a banana slug. When my last foot was free from my sleeping bag, I tumbled onto the ground victoriously and grabbed my pack that was still sitting next to the campfire. Hopping to my feet, I jogged quietly past the muddy banks of the glowing Lake and deep into the forest toward Theory.
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