Sometimes I wonder if things would have ended up the same way had Julian stayed with his cousins in Montgomery instead of going back to Puerto Rico. My dad loved Julian like his own son and when he never came back I know he felt as if he had lost two children that day. Not only that but he lost one of his closest friends when Howard was killed. My dad had nobody but my mother to hold him together and she had her own pain to contend with, her loss was equal to his, both of them losing close friends and a son in a single day.
My mother was the more interesting of the two, always smiling as if nothing happened. But no matter how many fake smiles she plastered on her face I knew she was dying inside. I felt it with each middle of the night hug, and every second that my own pain went unnoticed. I never got to mourn Nicolai’s passing and I never got to miss Julian. My heart was completely broken, the world as I knew it was gone and nobody seemed to care about anyone but themselves. Thus began my never ending struggle with putting my head up my own ass because it seemed for a long time I was the only one I could lean on. After a while I had no idea how to put faith in anyone, Brea being the only person I would let in.
When my father murdered my mother, Brea became my rock, my sunlight on a cloudy day. My aunt did her best to comfort me but she was never exactly the motherly type. Brea was honestly the best thing that ever happened to me. When she came along I finally had someone I could call my own and even though we were only children she listened and comforted me in ways nobody had before.
“Do you have brother or sister?” she asked on the school playground the first day we met.
“My brother is dead,” I said innocently.
Brea looked up from the fort where she had been twirling the fake stirring wheel, and matter of factually blurted out “That sucks!”
After a second she thoughtfully put her arm around my shoulder and said “Well, you got a sister now K, cause I ain’t got no brother or sister either, and everybody needs a brother or a sister don’t ya think?.”
And from that moment on she was the best sister a girl could have. She offered me a shoulder to cry on, she cheered me up when I was sad and she made me chocolate chip cookies on Nicolai’s birthday and the anniversary of his death every year.
“I tried to tell my mama chocolate chip cookies had magic healing powers but she wouldn’t listen me none. I think once you get to be all big and stuff you can’t see magic no more. When I get big I am always gunna see magic cause I’m never gunna grow up. Growing up is stupid!”
When my mother passed away she did nothing to commemorate either day. Not because she didn’t want to, she wanted to do anything that included chocolate chip cookies, but because she knew it would simply be too much for me to handle.
To this day she still lived by the motto that chocolate chip cookies were magic and baked them at least once a week but she loved being a grown up. Ever since she met Mark Jones a few months into our second semester of ninth grade she discovered the beauty of kissing which was a good enough reason to no longer be seen as a little kid.
“That boy has lips like strawberries; I like strawberries...A LOT!”
I myself had tasted Brandon’s strawberries for months so I knew all too well how awesome it could be wearing big girl panties.
I had tried to call Ford early that morning without realizing the time and when he didn’t answer I determined that he was most likely still in the air so I tried to call him again after lunch and got his voice mail. I left a message letting him know how cold my bed had been without him in it and that I could not wait until I saw him again.
I know I probably sounded pathetic, everything seemed to be moving so fast and unreal but from the moment we met, even before I realized who he was there was a connection between us. I was never one to believe in love at first sight and I am not saying that is what these feelings are but if ever there was a time to believe it was now.
For the first time in my life I truly wanted something other than my brother to have never been in the wrong place at the wrong time. Everyone in my life who had known me when I still had joy in my heart was gone, it felt good to know there was someone out there who remembered that there was a time I was lively and carefree.
Not Brea, Brandon or even Aunt Tilly ever knew me as anything other than a fragile piece of glass. Between the three of them I often felt as if they were handling me with such care because they feared me so delicate that I might shatter into a million tiny pieces. There was a time that this might have been true, but not anymore, they simply did not understand. Ford knew my pain, he knew how much I could handle and not handle because he had been through most everything I had and understood what it takes to make a person the way they are. To make us like we were, though he seems to have handled things much better than I had.
A few minutes after I left the message on his voice mail he called me back. “I miss you sweetheart. Sorry I just left you like that. I regretted it the second I climbed into my truck.” I beamed, happy to hear his voice, even more happy to hear the regret which showed me how much he cared.
“Well, don’t let it happen again, mister!” I teased and he laughed. “Seriously, I woke up wanting you like I have never wanted anything in my entire life. It royally sucked to find a note in your place. Are you in San Juan with your grandmother?”
“Yeah, she’s not been feeling too well and ended up in the hospital for a few days. I had to come out and help find someone to take care of her when I’m not around. I had a friend that was supposed to do it for me but that didn’t work out as planned.”
It was nice to hear that he was still the same Julian that I remembered. Loving and caring, always considering the well-being of the people he cared about. I was hoping to spend the rest of the weekend before classes started getting to know him better.
“When are you supposed to be back?” Suddenly I felt like a needy, nosy girlfriend. Considering the fact that I was not his girlfriend made me feel like an idiot and I immediately wanted to retract the question.
“Sunday evening but I am going to be pretty tired when I get back. I was hoping we could meet up Monday after classes were over. Do you have your schedule yet?” I nodded even though he couldn’t exactly see me.
“I think my last class ends at three on Monday,” I said. “Want to have dinner?” Please say yes, I hoped.
“Sounds like a plan sweetheart. I’ll be thinking about you the whole time I am gone, that is a promise.”
I beamed as we both agreed to meeting at six for dinner giving us both enough time for what was sure to be a much needed nap and a shower after a long first day of classes.
When I finally managed to leave my bedroom that Saturday afternoon I found Brea on the couch crying sitting in the middle of half a box of used Kleenex.
“Brea, what is wrong sweetie?”
She sniffled a few times before breaking out into a hysterical tear filled rant.
“He broke up with me, that stupid big long arm son of a bitch actually broke up with ME. Nobody has ever broken up with me.” she paused to bury her nose into a tissue.
“Um, I’m so sorry Brea. I didn’t know you cared about him so much.”
She wailed out a cry, blubbering she continued “I didn’t think I did, I mean, I don’t Jem, I just...he was...he was nice to me. Or so I thought he was. Turns out he was screwing Rebecca Warner, remember her?” I could not say I had a clue who she was talking about.
“You know, Jemma!” she shouted hysterically. “That fugly, flat-chested cow that works at Coffee Bean, the one that always forgets the fucking whipped cream. Who the fuck forgets the whipped cream on a gawd damn iced blended mocha? That’s the best fucking part!”
I could tell by her overabundance of the word “fuck,” that (typical Brea) she was quickly turning from upset to royally pissed off. I opened my mouth to try and calm her down and also reassure her that I knew who Rebecca was. Unfortunately I couldn’t get a word in before she jumped up off the couch knocking the used tissues that had been
blanketing her lap into the floor.
“FUUUUCK!” she screamed. “Gawd damn fucking boys! I am so sick of fucking boys. I came to college hoping to find a MAN and instead I end up with a prepubescent moron who just so happens to have a big dick.” she paused and then sat back down on the couch where I joined her.
“Damn it, Jem, he really knew how to use that thing.” she calmly exclaimed blowing a stray hair off of her nose. Thank goodness she was starting to calm down. I had never seen Brea lose it over a guy before.
“So, what exactly are you pissed about if you didn’t actually like him?” I asked curiously watching as her eyes doubled in size looking at me as if I were a moron.
“Are you even listening to me? Besides the fact that I have to find myself a new toy he had the nerve to cheat on me with the likes of Rebecca. REBECCA, she is a step completely in the wrong fucking direction. She’s the girl that gets cheated on, not me!”
Wow, I knew Brea could be shallow but I have never actually heard her say anything so deplorable and self-centered out loud.
“So, it would have been fine if he cheated on you with Miranda Kerr? Were you guys even exclusive?”
For a second I honestly thought Brea was going to hit me. She gave me a glare so heated that I had to peel my eyes from her to the ground for fear I would spontaneously combust.
“UGH! YES!” She screamed again. “Because at least then it would make a little bit of fucking sense. You just don’t dump a nine for a three! And to top that off, I am not even a stupid nine so that makes it even worse. It is not as if he can argue that he got sick of me because I was some ditsy moron with big tits.”
Sadly, now I got it.
“I’m sorry you’re upset but really Brea, are you listening to yourself right now? Firstly, how exactly do you gather this girl is a skank from the fact that she forgets your whipped cream? It isn’t like you to judge people on a basis of absolutely nothing; she seems nice enough albeit a bit flighty. Maybe she doesn’t even know about you? And second, you said it, you are a nine, well, actually I would say you are more like a ten. Unlike Rebecca you can snap your fingers and take your pick of men. Throw her the idiot bone, get over it and snap because I know you and I know you don’t really give a shit.”
Brea stared at me but I could not quite peg what her expression was. In a matter of seconds I read anger, frustration, indifference and awe. Nothing surprised me more than seeing the crooked smile that flashed across her lips. Suddenly she crossed the room and threw her arms around me.
“Did you just say I was a ten?” she bounced up and down excitedly like a ten year-old. “I knew there was a reason why we were best friends. I love you Jem. And you are right, time to snap. James shot me a text before that moron dumped me and invited me out to the Omega house for some kind of meet the pledge party. Let’s go, you can hang out with what’s his name, Ford, Julian, whatever, it’s perfect.”
James was the guy who had beaten down Ford’s door in an effort to find me after an insane night of first, second and third orgasmic encounters of the most delicious kind. I did not even know Brea had spoken to the man again, but then, I have kind of been caught up on my own little world the last few days.
“He isn’t going to be there, he went out of town for the weekend. Went to visit his grandmother in Puerto Rico”
“Really?” she asked confusedly. I nodded and she continued. “Strange, you would think the president of the fraternity would kind of have to be there.”
President? That was news to me. It seemed I really did need to get to know Ford because I had no idea that he was the president of the Omega Delta Phi fraternity. I guess that explains his larger than normal bedroom complete with private bath. Two rooms that I had gotten to know very well in only a few hours.
“Oh well, we can go anyway, it will be fun!” she decided.
The party didn’t start until later on in the evening so we decided to hit the mall, do some shopping and have a little fun. I was still broke needing most of the money Aunt Tilly forwarded into my checking account from my trust for bills. There was just enough left that I could hit the clearance rack at forever 21 and The Gap. I needed this little shopping excursion to keep my mind off of something that I could not have. Or shall I say someone I could not have, not at the moment anyway.
By the time we were done shopping Brea had racked up a few hundred dollars in shoes and I had managed a couple cute outfits, including a little black dress that I planned on wearing to dinner with Ford on Monday. It was strange calling him Ford knowing that he was Julian, no matter how many times I said it, I still saw him as my brother’s best friend. Several times I had to correct myself which is funny since I had not seen him since I was seven years old.
I could not tell you how many nights I fell asleep wondering how he was. I very much wanted him to be happy. I prayed every night for years, to a God that I was no longer sure existed, that he was safe and not hurting as much as I was. Deep down, no matter how much I prayed for him I knew there was no way he was any better off than me. Eventually it became easy to forget about him because I wanted to forget everything that preyed on the positive life I was trying to live, something I suddenly felt guilty about.
After my dad took my mom from this world I began to distance myself from anything and everything related to Nicolai. I was angry at the world but mostly my dad and Nicolai. I knew the things that happened were out of anyone’s control but I hated my father for being weak and I hated my brother for being a victim. As far as I was concerned my dad could have chosen to stay in the hospital which would have been best for everyone involved and my brother should have wanted to spend more time at with his real family.
My dad had wanted to go fishing with Nicolai that weekend. My mom on the other hand thought it would be a good experience for Nicolai to see the big Dallas museums and the place where John F. Kennedy was shot, which is pretty ironic all things considered.
After unsuccessfully trying to call Ford I pulled on my favorite pair of vintage Calvin Klein boot cut jeans and a red sequined tank that I bought at forever 21 a few hours before. After deciding to let my hair fall freely and pulling on my biker boots Brea and I made our way to the frat house. The party turned out to be more of a backyard barbecue with a few friends; it was nowhere near the size of the party a few nights before. I would say in total there were only about forty or so people including the frat boys and their pledges.
Several minutes after arriving Raz, the over enthusiastic pledge from the night before last with whom was the catalyst that reunited me with Julian, AKA Ford, handed Brea and I each a bottle of Corona.
“Don’t worry I didn’t drug ‘em or nothin’, we aren’t allowed to open the bottles, house rules.” I stared at him with my mouth gaped open. Should I have been worried?
“Ah crap, that was kind of a freaky thing to say huh?” He said taking notice of my stunned reaction.
“No, I can’t say it was the best way to start off a conversation. Though, I guess it’s good to know.” Brea laughed behind me; I am sure finding both of us amusing.
“Drugged or not, thanks for the booze, Raz!” Brea beamed enthusiastically.
“Of course! It’s my job though. I hand out the drinks, I have two minutes to arm newcomers with a drink and two minutes refill anyone else who needs it. Timothy behind me has to video tape everything for proof. Jacob...” He pauses and lifts his finger pointing at a boy I can only assume is Jacob who is hovering about 10 feet away his eyes scanning the crowd. “…over there is doing his job which is to make sure I am doing mine. If either of us screws up we each have to lose a piece of clothing. If we end up naked we end up having to cup each other’s balls in front of all these lovely ladies.”
And that is when I notice that besides the members and pledges every one of the people here are women. Not just any women but gorgeous women of all shapes and sizes.
“Anyway, I need to scan the crowd; I have no intention of letting these losers grab my dick. You still
owe me a dance Jemma and I plan on collecting!” he said walking away collecting empty bottles and replacing them with full ones.
“I see James, mind if I split and go say hello?” Brea asked. I shook my head no and told her to have a good time. I am a big girl; I can most definitely manage without her.
“Jem!” a perky voice cried out from behind me. I turned around and saw Angela walking up to me, wearing a six inch pair of rainbow wedges and a bright red strapless rainbow belted dress that showed off every inch of her tiny curvaceous figure.
“Angela!” We hugged and kissed each other on the cheek. “You are very colorful this evening.”
“I know right? I woke up in such a great mood this afternoon, I felt like a million bucks, only I was sad when I realized that I don’t have a million bucks and needed to find a pot of gold. Therefore....” She held the bottom of her dress out and spun around. “...I am a rainbow hoping she will find her pot of gold. “
We both giggled, stopping at the sound of my name in the back ground.
“Well got damn, I said GOT DAMN, is that Jemma Lee Hale I see?” I turned back to the party and lo and behold was Brandon’s best friend Axel.
“Axel, is that you?” He ran up to me, threw his arms around my waist, yee-hawed and lifted me up off the ground spinning me around. I laughed as he sat me back down on the ground.
“Well hell yeah it’s me. Brandon said I might see you around these parts. Rumor is around the house that you hooked up with our pres. Say it ain’t so Jemma?” He said clinging to his heart. “Tell me that after all this time I spent waiting in the wings you didn’t hook up with that jerk?”
The Boy Who Knew Me When (From Boys to men Trilogy) Page 6
