My best friend had just sacrificed his own life to save me. I lay as still as I could underneath him because I refused to allow that sacrifice to be in vain. A second before he could put another bullet in me, ending my life along with everyone else’s, a man came from behind the counter with a knife in his hand and threw it straight into the gun mans leg. He shot the man, knocking him to the ground before the restaurant filled with the deafening sound of sirens. A few moments later, realizing his reign of terror had come to an end, the man shot his self in the mouth sending a bullet through his skull. He fell dead no more than a few inches from where my dad lay slumped over the side of the booth.
I wanted to scream but I remained silent, refusing to move until I felt Nick’s lifeless body being lifted off of me. They say he was still alive when they put him on the gurney and was dead before they ever pulled out of the parking lot, my mother and father were carried out of the restaurant in body bags. I was the lucky one, I spent a week in the hospital recovering from only superficial wounds thanks to the only real friend I have ever considered myself having.
And now here I was after spending my entire life trying to keep from inflicting any more pain on his family by staying away, only to find that I broke his baby sister’s heart because I am a total moron. I don’t know what I can do to make it up to her but I want to try. Unfortunately I cannot get her to answer her cell phone, judging by the fact that it goes straight to voice mail I don’t even think she has it turned on.
A few minutes after my final attempt I see Axel stumble through the door looking like someone beat his face in with a two by four. Scared something might have happened while driving Jemma and Brea back to the apartment I approach him and ask what the hell happened. He started mumbling some shit about how he fucked up, I could not make out a single word he was saying so I slapped him in an effort to get him to relax enough to make even a little bit of sense.
Apparently it worked because after the blow he apologized and explained to me that Jemma had seduced him. He tried to convince me that he had not meant to sleep with her but she was standing in front of him “all needy and shit;” afterwards he started shouting.
“I always had a thing for her in high school but she was Brandon’s girl so she was off limits but when she walked her tits right into my hands, fuck man what could I do? A guy can only take so much.”
I tried to comprehend everything that he was saying but my head was nothing but a jumbled mess. Jemma and I had never made any type of commitment to one another, she was not my girlfriend by any stretch of the word but I couldn’t help the fact that I was pissed. Commitment or not, Jemma was mine, to hell be damned anyone who tried to take her from me.
“After we both got off she freaked out man, I don’t think she even knew she was coming on to me, it was like she was someone else. She is fucking nuts!”
And with that statement what little sense I had left abandoned me, my eyes saw nothing but darkness. Before I knew it, James and Jonathan, the Omega’s Co-President and treasurer were pulling me off a nearly unconscious Axel begging me not to kill him. I looked down at my throbbing knuckles, finding them split open and covered in my and Axel’s blood. It was then that I decided to head upstairs. I would worry about the consequences of my actions later. I took two steps before turning to James.
“Get his sorry ass out of here. Don’t let him back in or he won’t live long enough to see his next sunrise.”
Legacy or not, he took what was mine.
I tried to sleep after taking a hot shower to wash the blood off of my hands and burn away the knowledge that Jemma had spent the night in the arms of another man in what sounded like a total breakdown. I could not bear the thought of another man’s hands on the body of the girl who had me so tied up in knots that I did not even recognize who I was anymore.
But every ounce of it was my fault, had I been up front with her about my trip she would not have felt so betrayed. I was supposed to protect her just like Nick had protected me but I didn’t know how, I fucked up everything I had ever touched.
I sat up in bed and put my hands through my hair. Something I had a tendency to do when I was out of sorts with the world.
“Nick, dude, please help me. I pretty damn sure that I am fucking in love with your sister and it is killing me right now.” I pleaded into the air praying to my dead friend for some kind answer to a question I never even asked.
So many times in my life I had seen Nicks face. For once I was actually hoping I would see him and he would guide me in the right direction. I didn’t want to lose Jemma again. I was not sure exactly what we had, I didn’t know how she felt or, considering what had happened with Axel, if what we had was even real but I had to do something. She was Nick’s sister. Nick, who had done everything to insure that I would live to see another day. I still had no plans to let his sacrifice be in vain and though I might die trying I was going to fix this, I was going to fix her and God willing if there ever was an us, I was going to fix that as well.
I got up early, eager to get over to the apartment to try and talk to her and let her know how sorry I was. It was almost nine in the morning when I knocked on the door, a little early by most people’s standards but I had no more wait left in me. Brea flung the door open telling me that Jemma wasn’t home but I paid no mind to her and walked inside hoping to find that she had been lying.
“Where is she? Did she leave for class already?” I turned to Brea who was shutting the door behind me.
“I told you, she is not here Ford. She went to the admissions office to discuss postponing until next semester, and then she has a doctor’s appointment,”she stated calmly. I wondered why she was not angry with me.
“Is she sick? What’s wrong with her? Is there anything I can do to help?”
I felt myself start pacing back and forth before Brea ever asked me sit down.
“The first thing you should do is sit the fuck down because your pacing is driving me bat shit.”
She held her hand out to an overstuffed flowery arm chair sitting beside a small couch and I took a seat in the chair resting my elbows on my knees. Brea sat down across from me on the couch.
“Second, you need to calm the fuck down. Third, she is not sick, not in the sense you are asking anyway. She has an appointment with her Psychiatrist.”
Psychiatrist? Were things still so hard on her that she needed that kind of help? Suddenly I felt the need to set the record straight.
“Brea, she isn’t my fiancée. Heather and I broke up months ago after I found her in bed with another guy; she just cannot seem to understand that I am no way in hell interested in her anymore.”
She rested her hand briefly on my fisted hand.
“I know! I was up waiting for Brandon when I saw her sneaking into the building about three o'clock this morning. It seems her sister lives on the second floor. You could have told us that, you know.”
I could have told them much more. I should have.
“After exchanging a few unpleasant words she told me what happened. And just so you know, I told Jem everything before she and Brandon took off.”
I stilled at the mention of Brandon’s name clenching my fists so hard that my fingernails began to dig into my palms. From what I remembered he was supposed to be two thousand miles away at come fancy college in New York. Suddenly jealousy took hold and would not let go.
“What the hell is he doing here?” I barked giving spark to Brea's ferocious laughter. I am glad one of us is amused.
“Honey...” She paused. “There is no mountain Brandon Coy Hicks would not climb and no sea he would not swim to get to her if she needed him. Let me tell you right now, he loves her to death and she loves him just as much. So if you are thinking you are going to come sweep her off her feet and he will just go away you have another thing coming. If that is the case you’d best go now. Jemma doesn’t work like that, once she lets you in, it is for life.”
She cleared her throat waiting for my response. Whe
n I didn’t move she continued.
“Look, I am not sure when they will be back. But I will ask her to call you when they get home. OK?”
No, not OK, I was not going anywhere because I had to know what was wrong with my girl. It hurt enough knowing that I was not someone she could turn to when life got to be too much but I knew that was something we would have to work up to.
“I cannot leave without knowing what is wrong with her Brea. I won’t be able to think straight if I do.”
“I can’t share that with you. I will just say that sometimes, when she doesn’t take care of herself she loses control and before she knows it she feels completely worthless and helpless. And she is sensitive to things most of us aren’t so she ends up misreading everything and everybody. Did you know that for years she thought she was hideous? You can thank Brandon for finally bringing her to her senses. I would give anything to have just one man look at me like he looks at her and here she has two! I love her to death but she can be a little clueless sometimes.”
I shook my head back and forth and buried my face into my hands completely ignoring the tension in Brea’s statement.
“I’ve lost her haven’t I?” I whispered then raised my head to Brea who was shaking her head.
“Did she just sleep with me because she has issues? Is that why she fucked Axel?”
Brea looked at me with what I can only describe as the eyes of a demon. I was almost certain that she was going to open up her rabid jaws and take a chunk out of me. I could not say I would blame her considering the way the words came out of my mouth. I had not intended on wording things quite so ‘eloquently’.
“I am going to ignore that asshole statement you just made and chalk it up to you being hurt. As far as her reasoning for Axel, yeah, she was just trying to fill a void or something. I cannot and will not speak for her, besides, I don’t even get it, and she does things for various reasons Ford. She says she goes numb, her entire body, she feels dead all over and there are certain things she can do to make herself feel less like a zombie and more like a human being. Shit, I don’t know why I am telling you any of this, it isn’t my place to tell you any of it but I can see you care about her.”
I silently pleaded with Brea to keep talking. I wanted to know why me? I needed Brea, as Jemma’s best friend, to tell me that our connection was not born out of some sick desire to feel something. I do not want to know that in the end I mean nothing to her.
“No, I can tell you right now that she didn’t sleep with you for that reason. As far as I know this time with Axel was the first time she had ever completely given into the urge. The first time she actually had sex with penetration so to speak. It probably has something to do with the fact that she knows him so well but even with him she lost it. Not only did she not freak out with you but she spent the night with you. When she suffers an episode with some random guy she never mentions him past the initial meltdown, though she ends up a total mess for weeks after. I know for a fact that you and Brandon are the only men she has ever been with in any way that mattered.”
Me and Brandon. There his name was again. Was I going to have to fight for this girl? I had never been willing to fight for a woman before. Not a single person had ever been worth fighting for but Jemma was not just some girl. She was my fairy princess, the keeper of souls, an artist, a healer of headless Barbie dolls, she was a Skipper and Skippers were always happy. If I was in for a fight at least I was armed with ammunition not a single soul other than me could fire off.
“For what it’s worth Ford, I see something different in her when she talks about you. I have seen it even more the few times I have seen her look at you. It’s a strange comfortable familiarity, a natural calm that I never saw in her the entire time she was with Brandon. He was always the person she would lean on when she couldn’t stand, still is and I’m not so sure that’s a good thing. But that look in her eyes, the one she gets when it is all about you, she has never even had that with me. I don’t want that gleam to go away. Do what you can to get it back and keep it there.”
I will, I will do that and more. Anything and everything I have to do, including jumping in front of a speeding bullet, I will save her. She won’t have to lean on me because I will see to it that she can stand on her own two feet. Brandon might care for her and I am thankful he was there to keep her afloat when she needed a life raft. But as far as I am concerned he was nothing but filler during a time I could not be there for her.
Brandon was her then, but I was her when, her now and as sure as I am living, I will be her tomorrow.
Chapter Eight
Jemma
It was hard coming back to see Dr. Schneider. After I cut off all ties with him I started getting my medication thanks to short visits with therapists at MHMR. I didn’t want someone who was going to take a nose dive into my head and tell me things that I did not want to hear. But I made a promise to Brandon that since he could not be here for me I would try to seek professional help. Since Dr. Schneider was already familiar with my past Dr. Schneider it was. Luckily he had a cancellation and was able to fit me in for a same day appointment.
Brandon held my hand in the small dark waiting area while I tried to wrap my head around the events of the night before. From the moment I came to my senses I started to doubt everything I had been feeling since the moment I stopped taking that little pink pill. I doubted the reality of everything around me. From the color of the plants in the waiting room to my feelings for Brandon and Ford to my ability to cope with the menial tasks of daily life. The fact that Brandon was sitting next to me rubbing the palm of my hand after I destroyed his friendship with someone he knew half of his life caused the biggest doubt of all. It made me doubt if there was anything inside of me worth salvaging.
“Hale?” A short pixie like woman in a pink cardigan called out from the door behind the check in window. I looked over to Brandon who had sat straight up never releasing my hand. I don’t know why it felt as if I needed his permission to leave but I couldn’t stand up without finding the confidence his voice always offered me. “Go baby, I will be right here waiting. You can do this.” I took a deep breath, stood up and hesitantly gave his hand back to him.
I followed the woman back to Dr. Schneider’s all too familiar office. Short of the new ivy sitting next to the blacked out window everything had remained the same. A large dark cherry wood desk took up half of the far side of the room. In front of it stood two mahogany parlor chairs. Along the wall nearest to the door sat a plain Grey couch and next to that on the side wall sat a matching chair. The room was pretty standard as far as mental health offices go. I had been to see plenty of them in my short life. I took a seat on the couch knowing that was where we would end up anyway and waited for Dr. Schneider to make an appearance.
A few moments later after a few customary knocks on the door he slid into the room with his eyes glued to a clip board. I never understood why it was doctors knocked, especially psychiatrists, it was not like I would be sitting in the office naked or anything. But then again, given the fact that he dealt with crazy nut jobs like me I guess it was not entirely unheard of. I certainly had no intentions of getting naked anytime in the immediate future.
He was a little bit different than I remember, seemingly shorter, thinner and his hair had begun to gray with age.
“Miss. Hale!” He exclaimed looking up at me from the hand full of papers. “It has been a while. What brings you in this morning?”
He walked around the coffee table in front of me and took his customary seat in the uninteresting gray chair after clicking play on the recording device he sat down on the side table. This was customary, I spoke, he listened, recorded and on rare occasions gave advice.
I paused for a moment, where do I begin?
“I guess, well, I moved out of my aunt’s house a few months ago. Remember Brea?” he nodded. “We moved in together, here in Austin actually...”
I continued; filling him in on all of the details leadin
g up to my confrontation with Brea about my medication and then stopped remembering the last words he ever said to me in this very office. “Brandon is your crutch, try to let him go.” I didn’t want to tell him about Brandon unfortunately what I wanted did not matter.
“I see you and Mr. Hicks are still acquainted?”
I shook my head. Was he always this perceptive or had he just been spying on me in the waiting room?
As if reading my mind he replied, “I saw the young man heading into the mens room on my way in here.”
I nodded “Oh.” was all I said.
“He tells me he has moved to New York. He is pretty worried about you. What do you think about that?”
What did I think about that? I thought it was a crummy but necessary step to keep him safe before I dragged him down with me because I am complete and total whack job, but I didn’t say that.
“I don’t deserve Brandon. It hurts to lose him, but I am glad he has a life away from me. We are no longer a couple. I ended things senior year after I...after...” I cleared my throat, he waited for me to finish.
“After what Jemma?” He pushed.
“After I gave him my virginity and he told me he was in love with me so much he wanted to give up everything to be with me.” I said quickly, ashamed of myself. I could not bear to look at him for fear of seeing judgment in his eyes so I turned away.
He inquired, “You gave yourself to him, he told you he loved you and then you ended things after all of that time? Why would you do that? Tell me how you felt about it.”
I bent over and put my head between my legs.
The Boy Who Knew Me When (From Boys to men Trilogy) Page 9
