“I didn’t think I was good enough for you.”
He stood. “What’s that supposed to mean?” He was trying to keep his emotions in check, but Anna could see the anger rolling off him.
“It was true,” she defended herself. “The scouts were looking at you, and we both knew you were going to be drafted. You were too good not to, and you would be off traveling city to city for six months out of the year, and I would just be here. I had nothing going in my life, and I would only be dragging you down. I wanted you to take your chance and run with it. I didn’t want you to give up your dream for me.”
“So you broke up with me so that I would be so furious, leave this town, and never think about us again? Well, that didn’t work, because I thought about you every fucking day. When I wasn’t training or on the field, I was thinking of you.”
“I never meant to hurt you. You have to believe that. I was going through my own mess and wasn’t thinking clearly. I know that’s no excuse, but it’s the truth.” She dropped her head to the floor. She couldn’t stand to see the hurt she had caused in his eyes.
“Look at me,” he said. She brought her head up. “What mess did you have going on?”
“It was like this town was closing in on me. There were too many bad memories here, and I couldn’t get away from them.”
“What memories? You had a mother who loved you, you had Em, and you had me. How is that a bad memory? Did I mean so little to you that you felt the only way to get away from me was to run?” He started roaming the room. “Did our relationship mean nothing to you—because it meant something to me.”
“You’re right. I did have a mother and good friends, and you meant the world to me, but that was the problem.”
He stopped in front of her. “How is that a problem?”
“I didn’t want to have sex with you. There. Are you happy?” She started to clasp and unclasp her hands.
“Why?”
“I just couldn’t.”
“I never pressured you to have sex with me. I think I was pretty considerate considering I was a teenage boy with raging hormones and a girlfriend who, whenever she was around, made my dick throb behind the zipper of my jeans. I think most of my senior year, I had a zipper indentation on my cock.”
She was shocked by his words. Her mouth fell open.
“See, there you go, shutting down all because I said my dick rose when you were around.”
“Sorry, but I’m just not used to such language.”
“Well, get used to it. You’ll be hearing it for years to come. But we’ll talk about that later. Right now I want you to finish your story.”
They were definitely going to talk about that later. Those comments were scaring her blind. Two weeks hardly equaled years to come.
“So, you couldn’t have sex with me. Is there a reason? Did I not do it for you back then?”
“No…I mean, yes, you did it for me. When we were in the back of your mom’s old station wagon, I was very tempted more than once. I’ve always wanted you. That wasn’t the problem.”
“Then why didn’t we do anything? I sure was willing.”
“I wasn’t comfortable with sex. It scared me to the point that I was having an anxiety attack.”
“Most are terrified the first time, but I thought we had something special, that you trusted me to be easy with you. Take care of you.”
“I know you did. I never doubted that. I just couldn’t, okay?
“Why?” he impatiently asked.
“Because I had a bad experience. Is that good enough for you? Can you leave me alone now?”
“No, I can’t. What kind of experience?” He was pushing her, but he also used a gentle and concerned tone while doing it. She could see his emotions and knew he was trying to hold the raging ones back. Probably from fear of scaring her again.
She used the tissue he gave to her to wipe her face. She couldn’t control the flood of emotions. Her eyes slammed shut, and she was suddenly back there. Lying in that bed…in that room. Smelling the cologne he always chose to wear. She could feel the covers being drawn back and the smell of beer as he breathed on her skin.
Anna didn’t want to be back there, but there was no escaping the man who demanded the answers she kept locked away.
“I can’t say it out loud,” she cried. Jake went to her and wrapped a strong arm around her for comfort. She nuzzled his neck, finding a safe place. Her safe place.
“Sweetheart, you can tell me anything. You will feel better if you just say it. I’m here for you always.”
Keeping her head on his shoulder, she whispered as if she were still that terrified six-year-old girl. “He touched me.”
“I’m confused.”
“Larry. He touched me.”
“Larry? Your mom’s old boyfriend. That Larry?”
“Yes,” she sobbed.
Jake’s entire body tensed as he asked, “What do you mean by touched you?”
Anna fell silent. When Jake bent down so he could see her face, she cut her eyes up at him, showing him everything he was too afraid to actually say and ask.
“Son–of-a-bitch. The bastard touched you? Son-of-a-bitch. Fucking bastard. Tell me, what did he do? I need to know,” Jake demanded, not seeming to know what to do with his hands. One minute he was pulling out his hair to the point it was standing up straight, and the next they were balled in fists and punching the top of his thighs.
Anna raised her head off her safe place and looked deep into those blue eyes. She could see the fury for sure, but somehow she could see the concern. It was an odd mixture. It was a combination that almost scared her. He was angry, but trying not to show it, and failing miserably. There was no way to hide the kind of anger Jake had at that moment. And it touched her deeply to see how concerned he was on her behalf.
“When I was six…” She trailed off, not sure if she was capable of saying it aloud. Around the people who actually knew her secret, it was always the elephant in the room. She hadn’t really said the details out loud in years.
“It’s okay. Just get it out.” Jake was trying to soothe her by rubbing the small of her back. But she could still feel the heat of his fury.
“When I was six, he would come into my room when he thought I was asleep, but I never was. He would pull my covers back and touch me in places. I lay there, helpless. I didn’t do anything, Jake. I let him do that to me, and I never screamed or fought him off.”
“I’m sorry, but I have to ask…did he rape you?”
She shook her head. “No, he didn’t. But he would put his…mouth on my body”
“I could kill the bastard.” Jake let out the breath he didn’t know he was holding. “I have to find him first, but then I’m going to fucking kill him with my bare hands.”
“Please don’t be mad.” She tried to calm him. She knew he wouldn’t hurt her. She was more worried about what he was going to do. It was not going to help or change anything if he went off searching for the man who’d taken her innocence.
“Baby, I’m not mad at you. Nothing about what that animal did to you is your fault.”
“But I let him,” she said. Knowing that she’d never once stood up to Larry stuck with her after all these years. At times it was what bothered her the most.
He petted her hair as if she were that small helpless girl. “That was not your fault. You were a kid who was scared and vulnerable. You thought he loved you. You had no way of knowing that someone you trusted would take advantage of you like that. Don’t ever beat yourself up for not saying anything. He’s the sick bastard who deserves a slow death, which then results in him going straight to hell.”
“But I let him touch me,” she cried.
“Baby, listen to me. You were a child. There was nothing you could’ve done to stop him. Where was your mom when all this was going on?”
“I didn’t tell her until I was a freshman in high school.”
“Good God. He lived with you for all those years, and your mother never knew?”
“Yes.”
“How long did the abuse last?” he asked.
“About a year. All of sudden he just stopped. We never talked about it. When I became a teenager, I noticed him looking at me in what I thought was a sexual way. It might have just been in my head, but I never trusted him. The summer before I became a sophomore, it was just me and my mom at the house. He was at work. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I wasn’t sleeping or eating and I knew my mom could tell something was wrong. She was persistent that I tell her what was bothering me, so I told her everything. I remember being scared that she would be mad at me somehow, but of course she wasn’t.”
“What did she do?”
“After we cried together, she packed his stuff and had it waiting for him on the front lawn. He never gave a fight or asked why she was kicking him out. He just left us, and we never heard from him again. From that day on, it was just me and her.”
Jake cuddled her in his arms. Her head fit nicely below his chin. “I’m so sorry. I wish I would’ve known. It explains a lot.”
“That’s why I’m a little cautious about the sex talk, and I don’t just let anyone in. It’s not you personally. I just have a hard time trusting anyone. And it’s why last night when we were having sex and you wanted to—”
“It’s okay, Anna. I get it now. We can take things as slow as you need.”
“Thank you,” she said, relieved. “There was more.”
“What do you mean more? How much worse could he do?” Jake’s fury was written all over his face.
“He wasn’t just abusive to me. He pushed my mother around when he was drunk, or just bored. He was also mentally abusive to her, which was worse. He treated her like dirt, and she began to think she was. She allowed him to belittle her. It took her finding out that he’d hurt me for her to finally take a stand and kick the jackass out. I was never more proud of her until that moment.”
“God…how did I never know this? We might not have been dating at the time, but we lived in the same town. How could I not know something like this was going on? I feel like shit. And damn it, that morning back at the house when I shattered the dish. That must have brought up so many bad memories for you. I’m so sorry, Anna. If I had known—”
“No, Jake, it’s fine. We were good at hiding it. There was no way you could have known. I won’t lie and say that it didn’t make me think about what was done to my mother, but I’m over it. Please don’t feel bad about it any longer.
Em and her parents knew, and I’m sure Ms. Edna knew too, even though she never mentioned it. Other than that it was just a big family secret. After he left, my mom worked at the bank during the day and cleaned the bank at night to make sure we had enough money. I actually think she enjoyed all the work. It made her feel like she was worth something again and that she was finally taking control of her life.” Anna couldn’t help but smile at the memory of her mom when she got her first check. Her mom picked her up from school early that Friday, and they went on a small shopping spree. Which only included a new top for Anna and a new pair of heels for her mother. But to them it was everything. It was forty dollars well spent.
“I always liked your mother. She was a good woman, and I can see a lot of the good she had in you. I bet you don’t know this, but I went to see her after you left. I begged her to tell me why you left, but she just said you needed to get away. She said if you wanted to talk to me, you would call, and for me to respect you. Before I left, she handed me a shoe box. It was filled with pictures, letters, dried up flowers, and tons of other stuff that represented our time together. I was touched that you kept all those things. I think the box is still at Bradley’s in the attic.”
Jake and Anna both sat there a moment staring at the floor, thinking back on their past. They’d had some good times together. They had been truly in love to the point where it was overwhelming at times. You weren’t supposed to find your soul-mate at the age of sixteen, but Anna had thought she had. It had just about killed her when she’d discovered Jake’s betrayal.
“No, she never told me. You were right about something you said earlier.”
“What’s that, sweetness?”
“Me not having many lovers. I’ve only slept with one other guy before you. His name is Chris. I took a business class with him. He was a sweet single father. Safe. We went on a couple of dates before I slept with him. I really just did it to see if I could. I needed to know that I wasn’t as scared as I felt. It wasn’t spectacular or anything, but it was an accomplishment for me.”
An expression she thought was jealousy briefly passed over his face. He recovered and tried to downplay what he really thought and probably wanted to say. “So, you didn’t see fireworks?”
She smiled for the first time since they had gotten home. “No, Jake, there were no fireworks. I only see those with you.”
He laughed. “Nice. I do have a reputation to keep, you know?”
Anna should have been angry at the fact that this man knew her deepest secret, but she surprisingly wasn’t. It was freeing to finally let go of all her crap.
“I still have one question,” he said.
“What?”
“What brought all this on? I mean, did something happen at the dinner?”
“Yes,” she admitted. “I was talking to Mrs. Bradshaw, and she said you loved me. I don’t know how she knows, but she said she can see it in the way you look at me. I know you just said you did, but I need time to process it. I’m not ready for this.”
“You process away. I will still be here when you figure out you love me too. I will always be here.”
Chapter Seventeen
Anna woke just after midnight. After she and Jake had made love, she fell asleep wrapped in his strong, safe arms. She could hear the steadiness of his breath on her skin. Their lovemaking was slow and gentle. A different pace from all the other times. They were still learning each other’s bodies, and she still got butterflies when he started to strip her clothes off. When he drew her into his arms, she didn’t hesitate to relax into his hold. His hands roamed all over her skin, while his kisses ran from her mouth and stopped at her breasts. He acted as if going any farther down her body wasn’t even an option for him.
The man’s body was magnificent. His endless litany of curses when he was about to empty himself inside her was becoming music to her ears. She loved that she could drive him crazy and make him lose himself.
She easily moved his arm from around her and slowly got out of bed. After slipping on her panties, she pulled on the polo shirt he’d worn earlier to the wedding rehearsal—surrounding herself with his manly smell. It was just one part of him she wasn’t ready to let go. What she was feeling was still somewhat of a mystery, but her heart felt like it was about to explode in her chest. All she knew was that she was, for once in her life, happy. Happy and safe. It was a welcome combination.
How did I fall in love with him? Oh, give it up, Anna. You never stopped loving the man.
But he’d hurt her all those years ago and hadn’t even explained himself. She couldn’t love someone who could so easily break her heart, could she? But, on the other hand, he was so caring and concerned. Was that enough? Did it make up for everything else he’d done when they were teenagers?
Knowing it would be useless to try to get more sleep, she padded to the kitchen and started brewing a pot of coffee. She’d been too preoccupied earlier to take her little blue pill. And the day had been too emotional for her to be able to just sleep pleasantly in Jake’s arms. Now she would be up for the rest of the night—the night before Em’s big day. Well, Em wouldn’t have to worry about Anna outshining her. Anna could already see the bags forming under her eyes.
When the coffee was ready, she reached for a cup in the cabinet and was ready to wait out the night.
“Whatcha doing, sweetness?” Jake put both hands on her shoulder.
Anna couldn’t help but jump at the voice coming from behind her. “Jake!”
&
nbsp; “Sorry to scare you. You didn’t hear me get up?”
“No, I didn’t. Want some coffee?” She turned her head to the side so she could see him. Oh. My. God. “You’re naked.” Feeling brave, she turned completely around to face him, abandoning her interest in coffee.
He stared down at her and paused before he said, “Yeah, I was hoping you would be too.”
It wasn’t that she hadn’t seen him nude, because they’d had sex more times than she could count over the past couple days, but this was different. This was just him standing, comfortably naked, in the kitchen. No intense kissing or stripping of clothes this time. He was just there in his birthday suit. “Uhh, I was just making coffee. Do you…uhh…want some?”
“You already asked me that.”
Aggravated with herself and the way she was acting around a naked man, she said, “Well, do you?”
“There are much tastier things I want.”
She let that hang in the air for a moment. Of course she knew what he meant, but she didn’t have anything sexy to say back. God, she wished she did. If she was going to be a woman who had unattached sex with hot men—or a hot man—she was going to have to come up with some sex talk. Instead, she said, “We’ve got to talk.” Well…that turned the heat down in the room.
“Not the reaction I was expecting, but all right. What’s up?”
“Can you please put some clothes on? I can’t do this if you’re standing here naked in front of me.”
“You’re tempted, aren’t you?” A smirk was plastered on his face.
She couldn’t lie. He would see right through it. Plus, she didn’t want to hide her feelings. She wanted to feel free and wild. “A little.”
“Just a little?” He held his index finger and thumb several inches apart from one another.
“Okay—a lot. Now, will you please do what I say?”
“Bossy. I like it.” He walked the few steps towards the bed where his khakis lay and pulled them on. Since she was wearing his polo shirt, he just put on the white undershirt she’d pulled off of him during the heat of passion. “Better?” he asked.
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