by Jan Harman
“I’m finding it difficult to accept anything at the moment. When I close my eyes, I see my father’s mangled face, and I feel so utterly helpless. I don’t think I can shut off my emotions.”
“Not shut off, muffle,” Sister Willow corrected. “I can help.”
“Any time it gets to be too much, we can share sorrow until you find shared joy,” Shade offered.
I nodded and placed my damp palms on top of Sister Willow’s. The last thing I wanted was to bare my inadequacies to the scrutiny of someone as perceptive as her. Aside from more pills, I didn’t know how to cope with let alone turn my emotions down to a simmer after they’d boiled over and left a scorch mark deep into my psyche.
Sister Willow’s touch deepened. I could sense her strong disgust when memories of my father’s disfigured face snagged me up, yet again. “Sorry,” I said my voice thin and as brittle as my hold over my emotions.
“You’ve no reason to be. You relived a nightmarish event that resulted in a devastating loss. A defining moment often takes on a power of its own. Such things don’t go quietly. They travel with us through life, reflected back at us in our choices. Sometimes they revisit us at our most vulnerable moments.” She squeezed my hands. “I prefer to view this as an opportunity to remember that I am more than just a survivor. I am courageous. Olivia, you are courageous.”
In her compassionate gaze, I saw deep understanding by one who’d traveled a similar path. Over the course of her life, what had been her defining moments that had ultimately shaped the clan’s revered elder stateswoman, I wondered, and why on earth would she put the valley’s future in my incapable hands? Raveled edges of her white veil fanned out, forming a delicate lace trim. Mesmerized I spun away from horrific moaning, never ending fear, and an unrelenting voice. A great weight sloughed off my shoulders as I sank into her gentle waters.
Clang!
Locks snapped. Mental gates swung open, sucking me back into my private hell.
He thinks he is so superior. Well not anymore. I’m way ahead of my friends and probably most of his stupid friends. From now on, he’ll think twice before he uses my doll’s tea set for target practice or calls me a plodder. This is going to be good.
With my grin spreading from ear to ear, I dash across the back yard, lifting my knees high to get limbered up. I duck beneath the sheets hanging on the line, breathing in their clean, fresh scent and skip behind the shed. Just like I’d seen up at the high school’s track practice, I get into a runner’s starting position. The wind sweeps across the yard, knocking the petals off the rose bushes I’d helped mom plant on mother’s day. He is going to regret that. Angry quivers make my knees knock. He rips out of the field, his feet practically dancing on air. For a moment I can’t move as I envy his lithe athleticism. My legs respond, springing me forward. Even though it’s all part of the plan, I’m both frightened and exhilarated at my unexpected burst of speed. I cut across his path, but he’s faster than I expect and close enough for me to see his face change from focused to terror. He veers, arms swinging to propel himself out of my path. I skid, my feet sliding out from beneath me in a rush of limbs. I tumble, rolling across the hard-packed ground, choking on the dust stuck to my tongue. Moving slowly by our standards, he somersaults across the yard straight at the garage. He’s just trying to scare me for jumping out at him. He’s going to stop. I know it. The window is right there. Stop! Feet first he crashes through the glass and disappears. As fast as I can I limp to the garage. He rematerializes with his head hanging out like he’s been stuffed and mounted. Blood drips from the corners of clouded eyes. The air fills with my horrified screams.
“Olivia, open your eyes!” Sister Willow shouted, her tense voice slapping my cheek. “Shade, help me.”
Safety. Tenderness. Belonging. I was awash in emotions that eased my crushing grief. The wild drumming of my heart slowed. A light breeze swept around my head gently tapping my cheeks. My eyes popped open. I blinked and swiped the tears away with the palm of my hand, wondering why I was crying. “What was that?” I whispered shakily.
“A memory, not yours. Don’t look for it. Allow it to fade,” Sister Willow replied, sounding every bit as shaken as I.
“No, I need to remember.”
“Olivia, listen to me. The memory was mine; it is my wound. You’ve got enough of your own, child.”
“Yours?” I asked, staring slightly dazed into unsettled, peridot green eyes. Her lips thinned, accentuating deeply etched lines from decades of difficult mental connections. Before my eyes, she seemed to sag as the color drained from her face. Tremors made the sofa squeak.
“Grandmother!” Shade snatched up her tea cup, folding his large hands about the delicate china. “I’ve warmed this for you. Sip.”
I passed my blanket to Shade. Our eyes met for a moment, and then I was the one gripping his hand for a change while he waited for his grandmother’s strength to return.
“Now don’t look so alarmed, you three. I’ll not make that mistake again. Serves me right. I’ve gotten careless over the years. Someone in my position ought to have sense enough to mind their own thoughts,” Shade’s grandmother said at long last in a strained voice that lacked her earlier vigor. “Shade was right. Olivia can connect with memories. As she relived the breaking of her windshield, my thoughts kept returning to a childhood memory that occasionally troubles my sleep even after all these years. Its details were so crisp. I could’ve sworn it was actually happening. I lost myself in the memory.” She wiped the back of her hand across her damp eyes and let out a shuddering breath.
Shade touched her cheek. “I am with you.”
Scrunched eyes blinked slowly until choppy seas had calmed. “Thank you, grandson.”
“Shared sorrow,” he said gently, offering his hands.
She shook her head. “No, this one is mine to bear. It keeps me humble. Let’s just say I’m burdened with a terrible lesson from an impetuous act and leave it at that.”
I drew in a deep breath that I held in my mouth, pushing my cheeks out. Slowly it trickled out of my pursed lips while I stared at the picture of my parents. Dad had always told me I was special, but I’d thought he was just being a dad. “Are you saying that I viewed your memory as it unfolded in your mind? That time with Shade wasn’t a fluke?” I asked Sister Willow.
“When Claire knocked over Shade’s water glass, the sound opened the memory, giving you access. Don’t look stricken. It’s only regrettable in that this is happening while you’re still adjusting. You should be proud.”
“I’ll have to get back to you on that.”
She laughed, but it sounded sad. “I suppose I can understand why you’d think that way. How do you feel?”
“Steadier. Like my sinking raft survived the stormy night. Still lost and battered, but I’ve got my second wind,” I said my voice shuddering ever so slightly. “Will I ever get through a day free of emotional quicksand?”
Sister Willow shot my aunt a look that said, you should’ve brought her to us. “With more sessions we can help you find the shore and a path through to the other side of grief and anger. You’ve dark circles under your eyes. You should rest. Without my disruptive influence, you’ll do fine.”
Aunt Claire squeezed my hand. “I want you to take one of your sleeping pills to take the edge off.”
“Sleep? Everything is too fresh. It’ll be like it was when I first came around in the hospital. I can’t, not again. With the pills the images churn in my head, and I haven’t the power to awaken,” I said, my legs tensing as though I could outrun any of this. She grimaced, knowing full well the extent of my nightmares.
Sister Willow patted my hand. “The ferocity of your nightmares is intertwined with your emotional state. Progress in one area will reap beneficial results in the other. Give it time and give us time to find answers.”
“Tell you what. You stretch out on the sofa and watch television while I take my grandmother home. I’ll come back, and we’ll kill time watching mov
ies until it’s time to go to the bonfire. Deal?” Shade offered.
“Isn’t your family expecting you?” I asked, not wanting him to miss out just because of my insecurities. I was struck by a horrible thought. What if Trent was wrong and Shade had a girlfriend? I hadn’t asked. I’d been too busy thinking of him as my Shade. Stupid high school girl, of course a great guy like him had someone in his life, someone a whole lot older and way more together than me.
“I don’t need a babysitter. Go enjoy yourself,” I said, working hard to keep my voice even.
He squinted suspiciously at me. “I’ve been keeping my schedule clear since you got back.”
“Great, now I really feel guilty.” That couldn’t be further from the truth. I could barely keep the silly grin from showing on my face.
“If it’ll make you feel any better, just think of me as extended family. After all, the Pepperdines are part of the clan.”
Ouch, that hurt more than I expected.
Sister Willow caught me up in a warm hug. “Now that you know about us, there is no reason for you to bottle everything up. Ask Shade for help or come by to see me.”
Her genuineness hit me hard. I had to sip my hot chocolate to wash down the lump in my throat before I could answer. “Thank you. I’ll do that.” Except for the part about asking Shade, like that wouldn’t be mortifying. As soon as they left, I switched on the television and began flipping through the channels. It occurred to me as I paused on a talk show, that this was how the day had started off. I hoped that what was left of the day would be stress free. Given that the Cassidy’s and possibly some purist would be attending the bonfire, I didn’t hold out much hope for a pleasant time.
Chapter 15
“Impressive. I’ve never seen a bonfire that could signal planes,” I said, squinting at the towering flames. “You should’ve told me to bring my sunglasses.”
“Stand closer, maybe you’ll get a tan,” Shade suggested.
“Actually, I was wondering how you can stand it this close. You’re always warm, why is that?”
“Our body temperature registers just a degree or so above yours. It’s only when we vibrate that we can get hot.”
“Like when you warm a cup of tea?”
“Or give a massage. It has its advantages,” he said, grinning crookedly. “Like the saying goes, too much of a good thing can be dangerous. We have to monitor ourselves. Additional heat isn’t always a good idea. Can you imagine how suspicious it would look if I melted a pile of snow while just passing the time with a human?”
“Let me feel bad for you the next time I have to scrape ice off a windshield.”
“That does come in handy. Still, vibing has a serious side. Shifting too fast or too high through the vibration levels can result in a loss of control. One second, everything is fine and the next there’s no stopping.”
“I got the impression that it was unusual for Sister Willow to vibe at the age of nine. So when does the ability usually manifest?”
“Puberty, as if that isn’t a difficult time already. Some kids have a harder time with the additional rules than others. The clans’ zero tolerance policy for abuse of gift in public is brutally carried out. Any infraction results in a sort of house arrest until control can be demonstrated.”
“Check out the teens here tonight. They’re required to wear a ring on their right hand designating the frequency level they’ve achieved. The progression through the levels starting at the lowest end is: pearl, jade, turquoise, sapphire, and finally, garnet. Generally, you can expect to get through turquoise by the time you’re a sophomore or junior. From there about half achieve sapphire. After that, roughly seven percent successfully reach full garnet status.”
“So what does it mean when you wear diamond,” I asked not even having to look at his hand when he took off his glove. In my mind, I could see the thick, masculine gold band engraved with glyphs I don’t recognize that surround the large, oval diamond.
“It means,” he said, gripping my chin, “that I’m more than equal to my oath, my warden.”
My chin quivered hard enough to rattle my teeth. When I winced, his hand dropped away.
“Pearl,” he said, explaining his behavior. “Jade involves precision drills and basic joinings.” Next, he held out his left hand and said, “Count out the seconds.”
“One thousand one.” Long fingers easily go from immobile to a blur.
“Turquoise.”
“One thousand two.” The blur smoothly transitions to an indistinguishable tan streak.
“Upper sapphire range.”
“One thousand three.” All I can see is his blue jacket. My jaw dropped open when he extended his handless arm over the snow. “It’s invisible,” I gasped. “How is this possible?”
“It has to do with the properties of our bodies and the dynamic forces of particles. I can chameleon a simple background which is standard stuff for a garnet. At the upper range is the ability to appear invisible. One last demonstration. Hold out your hand.”
I comply and am pleased that it’s steady.
His forehead crinkled. “Are you in shock or something?”
“Have I been that bad that you automatically assume I’m going to have hysterics?”
“Actually, you’ve been a real trooper.”
Yep, that’s me alright, the little engine that could. It wasn’t the best compliment, but at this point I’d take it. “When will you get it through your thick skull that I trust you?”
“No pressure then,” he said. “Humor me. For my peace of mind, take a deep breath of air into your lungs. It’s so you don’t faint not for screaming purposes, okay?”
“I’m not going to scream or faint,” I replied, determined to remain calm despite his skeptical expression. Curious, I watched the space where his hand should be as his arm bent towards me. A hot, weighty sensation lacking any definable shape encapsulated my hand triggering a pins-and-needles sensation that ran up my arm.
I forgot that I’m supposed to count. Air hissed out of my clenched teeth. Crap! We’re both handless. I opened my mouth to speak, but my thoughts lagged behind, no doubt looking for that solid shore.
“Diamond,” Shade said, his watchful eyes fixed upon my face. “Hey, breathe for me. Do you need to sit? Whatever you do, don’t scream. It’ll draw a crowd. I’ll get chewed out by irate mothers, and then the council elders will have a go at me. Are you okay?”
“Wow! Diamond is way cooler than garnet.” A slight stain of red flushed his cheeks. Needles jabbed. I grimaced. Our hands reappeared. Immediately he began rubbing where it had tingled the most. Ice sheets sunk into crystal seas, leaving behind narrow, white bands around his irises. “Are you alright? I mean does it hurt you? Are there any long term effects on your body?”
“Human physiology isn’t made to withstand an intense vibe state for long. For your own good, I notched the vibe down. Only if I had no other option would I risk vibe fading your body. Along with being quite painful, the experience would render a pure blood human unconscious or worse.”
“I appreciate your discretion. But you avoided my questions. Does it hurt you?”
“If I push my limits, there is discomfort, so I adhere to a strict workout regime. Vibing consumes a ton of calories. During training, I was in a constant ravenous state. My poor mom kept grabbing casseroles out of the refrigerator. They barely had time to warm in her hands.”
“And because life is so fair, you didn’t gain a single pound, right?”
“Sorry,” he said, smiling sheepishly. “Keeping weight on can be a burden.”
“Don’t even try to convince me. I have to hit the gym just for breathing near a dessert.” It occurred to me that I was staring at his ring. How many did he say made garnet? Not many, and yet, he’d chosen to push himself further. In an awed tone I said, “I can’t imagine what it took to reach diamond.”
He shifted his feet. “Some of us are just over achievers. Actually, it’s not all about speed. Nuances
in control must also be demonstrated to advance to the next sub level or stone. The score takes both aspects into consideration. For the upper ranges, the evaluators are extremely critical. They have to be. At that speed, a mistake can be deadly.”
“Well, I’m impressed. You’ve a right to be proud.” Fascinated by my strange corner of the world I asked, since he seemed willing to explain, “How far can you run before tiring?”
“That depends on the conditions. After a fast run like yesterday when I ran with you from the Cassidy’s ranch, a mere two miles, I wasn’t even winded. Elevation changes require staying in shape. Try it while vibe faded and you’re popping power bars like they’re candy.”
“Now you’re being modest. When I was ill on the pass, I thought I was delirious. You went to garnet, or did you go diamond and I was too out of it to notice?”
“It was an emergency, and I had snow cover. We aren’t supposed to vibe run—which is what we call it when we run like that—outside of the valley or by humans. How about you wait over by the table under the trees? I’ll get us some munchies?”
“No way you heard my stomach grumbling over the crackling of the fire.”
“I’ve got exceptional hearing.”
“Naturally.”
He smiled and tweaked my nose. “Hot chocolate extra marshmallows coming up.”
The table Shade had picked out kept me comfortably on the periphery of the festivities while providing an excellent view of ordinary families having some holiday fun. Trust him to consider that I hadn’t fully adjusted from the series of shocks that kept knocking me over. Too bad it was because of that stupid oath, I thought sourly, when he stopped to speak with a beautiful blond with straight, golden hair down to her thighs. I sighed wistfully like this was my first crush and crammed an errant strand of my drab, beige blond hair into my hat.
“Surveying your kingdom?” A voice, nearly identical to Shade’s thick drawl, said from behind me.
