When we arrived the party was waiting to happen, because the host had gone off to collect his woman of the evening and was taking a long time to do it. It was about then that I had a very nasty turn. The host was Crawford. When he did return, he was none too pleased. He had brought back one of the lovely Catholic girls as his partner, and she was none too pleased either. She made it clear that Fraser was the lovely young Catholic doctor, not Crawford.
The next thing I remember about that night is Fraser stopping for the lights in Courtenay Place and kissing me. A policeman stuck his head in the window and said, ‘Excuse me, sir, but the lights have changed.’ And Fraser said, ‘Will you marry me?’ and the policeman said, ‘For God’s sake say yes before the lights change again.’
Six months later we were married in the Catholic Cathedral in Wellington. Aunt Eileah’s Silverstream Choir sang the Mass, and three priests officiated. Father Duffy, Fraser’s best friend from his Army days, had the lead part.
A week before the wedding I made a bad confession. Fraser had convinced me that we were getting married in the Catholic church to placate his mother. I also understood it would please my aunts, and I loved them very dearly. My parents were prepared to do it any way we liked. As I hadn’t been to confession since I left school, Fraser felt it important to find a suitable priest – a young priest, intelligent and understanding. Through some sort of mixed messages, what I got was a very old and stupid priest.
I remember that confession word for word.
Me: ‘In the Name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Ghost, it is nine years since my last confession and in that time I have not attended Mass, received Holy Communion or gone to confession.’
Because I had always got top in Christian doctrine I understood these things – the denying of my faith – to be the most horrendous of sins, and I expected that an intelligent priest would take my reasons for these sins seriously. I very soon understood I had in the confessional a perverted old bigot. With no messing around he just cut to the chase: ‘What sexual intercourse have you indulged in during that time?’
I could hear his accelerated breathing, and I was deeply shocked. I shrieked at him indignantly, ‘Never!’
Priest, hopefully: ‘Any rude close holding?’
Me: ‘Never!’
Priest, getting desperate: ‘Any kissing?’
Me: ‘Never!’
And rising from my knees I slammed out of there. I slammed out of that confessional and that cathedral as if escaping from the clutches of a syphilitic old man.
As I have a carrying voice anyway, and I hadn’t on this occasion held back, Fraser had heard every word. Outside in windy, sunny Wellington, I said, ‘Well then, we will have to marry in sin,’ and so we did.
Recently I organised the jumbled past found under the house. A whole lot of stuff went off in a jumbo bin and I could then see what was left. I had the idea there was a box of watercolours somewhere, but I never found it. What I did find was a box of letters – letters Fraser had tied into bundles. The first bundle I opened were my letters to him from Timaru in 1955. At first I didn’t recognise either the handwriting – small and neat and very readable, not one bit pretentious, not at all like my handwriting now – or the mindset.
75 Sophia Street
Timaru
Dear Fraser
Honey coming home is the oddest feeling. There is certainly going to be plenty to do. Mummy is working in the rooms with the Dude, she is both receptionist and nurse at the moment. The idea is that I am to do the house which at the moment is not in very good shape. When I have it organised I will start and repaint bits of it which indeed do need doing. Darling I am as bad as you are when it comes to jealousy, which you said on the phone, that you had been up to the flat I had been living in, I felt quite jealous. I could just see that Dorothy making a point of going out just as you were leaving so you would be obliged to drive her to wherever she pretended she was going. Enough of that. Things to get from that flat, (1) heater, (2) my bowl, it’s that pinky one in the dining room, very pretty, (3) yours and my books. Please get these things as soon as humanly possible because they could so easily go astray. Real reason (scared they may use this as a reason for asking you there again as soon as possible). I know Marg and Nancy are very sweet but the four all together as a bulk are a bit alarming, even Marg would have no qualms about using you honey and I can’t bear the thought of that. Darling I had better find out from what day I am to resign and could you please write it for me cause I don’t know how to do it, then I can copy your letter. Honey please look after yourself, I suddenly have a picture of you being very depressed since I left. What you must think of is the fact that soon we will be getting married which, even if we are not together now, should buoy us up. Honey how restless I am going to be here, my parents must treat me like a child. A perfect example of this was what the Dude had to say at the breakfast table this morning. ‘By the time you leave here to marry you will be ready, you will be trained to be a housewife.’ God! He has such a way with words. He makes getting married sound like applying for a housekeeping job at the Grange. I was looking forward to getting the house in order but he takes the pleasure out of it. He is taking up the position of supervisor. I am not in charge, he is. Did mum escape back into her music because he can’t be in charge of that? After all it isn’t as if mum hasn’t contributed towards their marriage just as much as he has. Is he turning into a bully in his old age?
Darling let’s have a very tiny wedding then we can just think about each other, I am scared of a big wedding. I saw Liffy Page in Christchurch and her mother told me a friend of theirs was very keen to get Derek’s job. I tried to give the impression it was not what you were after. Does all this mean anything to you? I wonder what sort of job I could get? There are various options, possibly in adult education, some sort of part time teaching as a start, I don’t know yet.
I feel a bit mean what I had to say about the girls in the flat, it isn’t really very fair is it. I feel a bit smug about us. We are so sure and self satisfied about each other, that it’s almost an insult to less happy people. They cannot help but think a lovely Catholic boy is wasted on me. We must make a big fuss of Bill and Barbie at our wedding just in case there is some hidden hostility towards their marrying out of the church and their communist leanings. Perhaps you could even mention them in your speech or something, what do you think? Honey I do miss you but I suppose that this has got to be good for us.
Love Jack.
Dear Fraser, honey I thought slippery lips quite funny, you are a very funny man. Have a job on Saturday, an art class for adult education in Albany. Quite well paid and will also be amusing. At least it will get me going and out of the house. Have been thinking it over and trying to convince Dude that if we had the wedding here we won’t have to ask all Timaru. He says yes, if I paint the front room. Have a gorgeous colour scheme which I will show you when you come down. God, grey with violet titbits. Darling send my paintings down through express company without insurance. Paying this end. Could you also bring my paints down. They are in the cellar. Leave behind those awful paintings that I was working on, they are no good at all. They are useless. And something else, do remember at the wedding, not to start inviting people to the flat in our usual gay and abandoned fashion, or we won’t have a flat. Remember too how we yell at each other when we start drinking together. Love to see you, wish it was as soon as soon. My love to you darling and you know we will be very happy. And I do understand how difficult this time has been for you but soon it’s going to be all good times.
My love Jack.
What surprises me about these letters is a rather Victorian urge that we both have to lecture each other on virtues. I gather I must be responding to things in Fraser’s letters when I make statements like:
So glad you are beginning to swot again, darling the more we develop ourselves the happier we will be together because after all the more interesting as people we will be, won’t we?
&
nbsp; How funny I was about the flat. I didn’t mean that if you are asked up there not to go because they are genuinely fond of you, but don’t let them please impose on you darling, that’s all I meant, and at this distance it was easy to make mountains out of molehills, I do realise that.
Had dinner with the Mansons on Thursday night, and Shirley had given you a great write-up. Shurrock the sculpture Professor at the Art School in Christchurch and Austin Deans and his wife were there. Old Shurrock gave a lecture to the Arts Society here which was long winded and bigoted, but there were some things in it, studded through. Deans paints rather icy pukka landscapes, very correct, very beautiful but don’t feel Canterbury’s landed gentry atmosphere correct for painting. But that’s not fair, he is very much Austin Deans, a person in his own right. A very charming cultured man. Must write a letter to Terry.
Then I go in for more uplifting talk:
So glad you are not drinking. I have not had one drink since I arrived and look ten times better for it. Darling we won’t have alcohol in the house except for special occasions, I feel that’s what it’s for, special occasions. Anyway we won’t be able to afford it for quite a while. The Dude is madly cleaning up so must look alive. Love to your mother and Marie.
Love Jack.
Dear Fraser
My dearest honey, how wonderful to get straight through to you and then to read your so very satisfying letter. To be for always a part of you darling, and to be always with you, and to think that you could imagine I don’t need you, to be near you as much as you need to be near me. I have such respect for you and anyway I did expect that if I ever met anyone with the same (I flatter myself) methods of thinking and the same love of reasoning and literature, he would never be physically attractive to me. Into the bargain that you should be able to apply your ability to something as tangible as medicine is incredible.
Darling you must take no notice of people like Jean who have so much to tell you about me. Anyone with guts and who is anything like a real person is so much more a subject for discussion than the grey mob who do all the discussing. I was only notable in that most moderately attractive young women marry young. Naturally, as I left it until later I came in contact with a whole lot more men. However I do not wish to find myself in the position of defending my own virtue. There is no call for that and I am sure that is not what you intend. However I do believe that it has been so much better for me that I have waited for you. This reminds me of a cranky film I saw years ago ‘Talk about Jacqueline’. Society matters only insofar as it concerns your job.
How much I will miss you my darling and yet six weeks is not so bad. To see you again will be wonderful and then to go away with you. Your mother won’t like that, I fear. Yes, we do exaggerate, poor Jean, she cannot help but feel jealous that you are happy with someone else when after all I do believe she really does love you. I will never say to you as I know you will never say to me ‘But you said before that you would never …’ It’s the peace the cells in our bodies feel when we are together. You have not a touch of vulgarity in you. Sometimes you are earthy and that is exciting, but quite divorced from vulgarity.
What a delight buying clothes is. For the first time in my life I really love it because I am buying them for you and I am buying them to wear for you. My sweetest pet, I will hug your darling head and love you truly. The Dude’s annoying me, must go.
Love Jack.
Dear Fraser
Darling I cannot bear to think of you as a bit unhappy. Do what the simple boy told my mother to do when she was due for trouble, when she was a little girl. She was late for school and he said to her ‘Do they hit you?’ ‘No’ said mummy. ‘Then’ he said ‘Just think of a duck, that’s what I do and I don’t hear a word anybody says.’ Honey we can’t have a big wedding really as three weddings in one year is no mean hurdle for the old boy the Dude, and what huge trousseaus we flog him for. Your mother is not responsible for the fact that her callous daughter-in-law insists on a small wedding. This is the list so far, Barbie, Bill, Julie, Liz, Marg, Nancy, Mrs Meanen, Dr Lynch, the wife and daughter, Ormond Brown, Noel Triggs, Mrs Triggs, Virginia Turner, Trevor Turner, Mr Tolley, Mrs Tolley. Yours – Marie and husband, your mummy, Crawford. There are at least 30 on that list.
I am giving in, I will wear white, ballet length with a short veil. You and mummy have prevailed. Once we have the list settled we can relax. Am so pleased that you miss me, how awful if you sank into a pleasant slough. Have sent Graham Mills a present, a wooden salad bowl, wooden spoon and fork. It is from both of us. Won’t it be nice when we start getting presents ourselves.
Must go to ‘Romeo and Juliet’ with mummy. Is love different with men? It must be I suppose. Am listening to that South American Aztec Los Angeles, gorgeous, so strong, a bosomy voice, and yet birdlike. Honey I would love to see you.
Jack.
Dear Fraser
Darling, Julie is going back to Christchurch and am giving her this to post. The feeling in spring air is so different from any other time of the year, so different because it induces excitement. It has creation in it and darling that is the feeling I have for you. Oh honey how smug I am about you after having seen Mary. How I feel our match was made in heaven, and theirs, if there is any such match, in some pretentious drawing room in Dunedin. I will give the extra invitations to Julie, also so they will get there much more quickly.
Ainsley Manson and Bruce Rennie are painting me this week and not getting on with it. No doubt they will get around to it but spend most of their time talking. Dr Hawse sent his love and is very pleased with the progress with my health. He was most impressed with our flat.
Don’t worry about the flowers for the wedding, we will fix that the day before when we get there. Mummy and I are going down to Dunedin next weekend to try the bridesmaid dress on Barbie. Will be back on Sunday night. My going away costume arrives today, will be most attractive. Darling, Saturday night was the night of the Mansons’ party and it was quite wonderful, I drank sherry! Went to bed feeling great and awoke with a raw throat and frightful stomach. Then Julie arrived and my throat got rapidly worse. Is quite harmless as it’s at the top of my throat so don’t be alarmed.
I have discovered something very interesting, I cannot be bothered going into an excellent novel with lots of strong ideas without you. I want it read aloud so we can think it out together, the one in question ‘After Many a Summer’ by Aldous Huxley.
Sorry, have not posted this, but have had an awful throat all the week. Stayed in bed yesterday but the damn thing is worse today. It’s all such a bore. Hope it is better so that I can go to Dunedin to see Barbie. It’s really just two weeks now, how wonderful. The wedding dress is gorgeous, so much better than I thought. One of the nicest I have ever seen. I am sure you will be thrilled with it. Terry can wear it too. It is so rich looking but very simple. All my love
Jack.
In the next letter I am obviously lecturing Fraser about his attitude towards the wedding – how he could spoil things by worrying about the mechanics of the wedding when in fact it isn’t his business.
… Then I say shut your ears and think how happy you and I will be. After that growl, sweetie could you send me names of all those who have sent you presents and tell me what the present is and does? I must send thank you letters as soon as the presents come in or I will be flooded out. Soon it will be only a week. We are going up to Christchurch on Thursday. Will you ring on Friday night about 8pm if you are not out.
Everyone is asking me for last minute evenings, and it is Wednesday night and you rang me at the Turnbulls. It was such a sweet evening and they are a really charming couple. They gave me a recipe for home brew which is very good. Now honey, again you must realise this wedding is my parents’ responsibility, not yours. You must resign yourself. All rebukes will fall upon my family. I am terrified you will worry, you will end up being a victim at your own wedding and not the happy husband. Just hold my hand and think about me, not the mechanics of the
wedding. Your mother may try to panic, don’t let her panic will you. Put a stop to it as it is a bit exhausting.
Dearest over the weekend I don’t think I felt out of touch with you, why would you imagine that I did. Barbie and I chatting made it seem very real to me. Honey, suspend time and thought until we are together, and then it will all seem all right and perfect.
Love Jack.
And then there are things like this:
… How astonishing it is, the way your feelings make you articulate mine, make me dumb. When I think about us together I become static, suspended in a warm glow of happiness. I will finish this in the morning as I am now very sleepy. In loving you I have acquired an enormous peace of mind.
Now I have become scared in the house all by myself at night with mummy and the Dude away. I think I would be better off in bed. Anyway, what I want to say can only be said when I am gazing into your eyes and kissing you. You will learn how much I feel for you in time although I rather suspect you will always be my silly, beautiful baby and you will always stay silly. Sunday, mummy and the Dude are back. Mummy and I are going down to Dunedin tomorrow and it will be so nice to see Barbie again. Am feeling just like a walk and wish you were here to go with me. Am pleased you are happier at home but I am sure there is bound to be another tantrum later. Excess energy must be expelled and I am sure that is what it is really about. Must post this. Bye. Post it on my walk.
Love Jack.
In another letter there is something about my having the flu and recovering.
Something for the Birds Page 15
