DEDICATION
For Rocco and Gio—the beginning of everything
EPIGRAPH
Women are always better liked if we sacrifice ourselves for something bigger—and something bigger always means including men, even though something bigger for men doesn’t usually mean including women.
—Gloria Steinem, My Life on the Road
Even if we’re constantly tempted to lower our guard —out of love, or weariness, or sympathy, or kindness—we women shouldn’t do it. We can lose from one moment to the next everything that we have achieved.
—Elena Ferrante, in an interview by Rachel Donadio, New York Times, December 9, 2014
CONTENTS
Cover
Title Page
Dedication
Epigraph
Part One: Early Summer Chapter One: Isabel
Chapter Two: Anna
Chapter Three: Beth
Chapter Four: Isabel
Chapter Five: Maggie
Part Two: Late Summer Chapter Six: Anna
Chapter Seven: Isabel
Chapter Eight: Beth
Chapter Nine: Maggie
Part Three: Autumn Chapter Ten: Anna
Chapter Eleven: Isabel
Chapter Twelve: Beth
Chapter Thirteen: Anna
Chapter Fourteen: Maggie
Chapter Fifteen: Isabel
Chapter Sixteen: Beth
Chapter Seventeen: Anna
Part Four: Summer Chapter Eighteen: Isabel, Beth, Anna, and Maggie
P.S. Insights, Interviews & More . . .* About the Author
About the Book
Read On
Acknowledgments
Praise
Copyright
About the Publisher
PART ONE
EARLY SUMMER
CHAPTER ONE
Isabel
NOW THAT ISABEL was pregnant, she knew what it felt like to be an eighteen-year-old boy. All she could think about was sex. Combined with morning sickness that began from the moment she awoke and continued throughout the day, Isabel wasn’t sure from moment to moment whether she wanted to vomit or fuck.
She called her best friend, Beth: “I think I have gestational schizophrenia.”
“Get used to it,” she said. “This is just the beginning.”
“This is not what they tell you to expect when you’re expecting. Did you go through this?”
“Yes . . .” Isabel suspected she wasn’t really listening at all, so Isabel was surprised when she continued. “Remember where I was, Is, when I was pregnant? No, sex wasn’t on my mind.” She paused. It wasn’t unusual for Beth to be doing three things at once. “I gotta go,” Beth finally said. “Call me later if you’re still feeling like Sybil.”
Isabel hung up the phone and checked her e-mail. A long list of blue messages on the screen called out for her attention. She cherry-picked the urgent ones and those from her husband, Sam, who was often away on business. His latest informed her that he was going to be stuck in Chicago for two more days on a case. In her extra-hormonal state, the news made her cry. Did she miss him, she wondered, or just want to get laid?
Her tears stopped when her boss, Larry Pond, the publisher of Pink, stuck his balding head around the door into her office.
“Isabel, come by my office at three. I want you to meet the candidate interviewing for the open position . . .”
Isabel tried to blink away her tears, but it was too late. Larry noticed and shifted nervously.
“Is everything all right?” Larry asked in one of the least sincere voices Isabel had ever heard. He looked down at his shoes.
Everyone around the office called Larry “the Turtle,” partly because of his last name, but mostly because of the penis-like shape his head and neck formed together. Isabel couldn’t decide if he was a wounded soul or just a dickhead. Even as she thought it, she saw Larry’s eyes lift from his shoes and land on her breasts, now swollen from pregnancy and proudly displayed by the décolletage of her dress. The Turtle colored, then quickly turned and walked away.
A wave of nausea hit her. Isabel pushed away from her desk and glanced at her calendar, where she saw two meetings on opposite sides of town, one at four o’clock and another at five thirty.
She buzzed her assistant, Tina. “I feel like hell. Cancel my appointments for the rest of the day,” she told her. “I’m going out for a smoothie. I’ll be back in time for my three o’clock with Larry, but I’m going home afterward. If anyone needs me, I’ll have my cell.”
As associate publisher of Pink, a trendy women’s fashion magazine, Isabel spent a lot of time wooing clients. But in the past week, it had been hard for her to find the energy to go on sales calls. Her first trimester was kicking her ass.
The smoothie joint was a favorite haunt of hers and the former publisher of the magazine, Christopher Bello. Isabel hadn’t seen him since she’d become pregnant. She walked up Fifth Avenue, dreamily remembering the time, years ago, when she and Christopher had met during a January blizzard to pelt each other with snowballs.
He’d called her at home and commanded, “Corner of Commerce and Bedford. See you there in fifteen minutes,” and hung up.
Isabel hadn’t questioned why or considered not showing up for one minute. Instead, she had dutifully pulled on her shearling-lined boots, grabbed her goose-down coat, donned a red-and-white woolly pom-pom hat (she’d forgotten her gloves), and trudged through the snowy streets to meet her playmate.
It was late evening in Greenwich Village and the streets were eerily deserted, the constant din of New York City muffled by the blanket of snow that had been falling since morning. Determined to beat him there, Isabel ran as best she could in her cumbersome boots the whole way, only to be ambushed by Christopher from behind the moment she turned onto Commerce Street. He grabbed her around the waist, swung her around, and pulled her down into a six-foot mound of plowed snow. He lay on top of her, smiling his Cheshire cat smile while pinning her arms above her head.
“Hello,” he said.
“Hiya, Chris,” she said, making a feeble attempt to extricate herself from his hold.
In that moment of respite, she relaxed her body under him, which he took advantage of by shoveling handfuls of snow down the back of her coat.
“You. Mother. Fucker!” Isabel retaliated. She squirmed out of his grip and pushed his face into the still-soft snow. They rolled around like frenzied puppies until, breathless, they stopped to watch the snowfall swirling in the golden streetlamps. When Isabel’s frozen hands began to ache, Christopher put each of her fingers into his mouth to warm them.
That was just a few months before she met her husband, Sam.
ISABEL JUMPED WHEN she heard her name spoken, though it was said almost too softly to hear through the noise of the city street. Christopher was sitting on a sidewalk bench, slurping from a large plastic cup.
“Christopher!” she shouted, overcompensating for her bewilderment at seeing him moments after she had been thinking about him.
“I was watching you walk from a block away. You look delicious. How are you?” He swept her into the air, kissing her on the lips. She was far from petite, and that his slight frame could lift her effortlessly made her giddy.
Isabel kissed him back and felt something move in her belly. It’s too soon to feel the baby kicking, she thought, quickly stopping herself from thinking any further about it. After Christopher put her down she grabbed his cup and took a long sip and handed it back to him. “Mmm . . . Avocado, pineapple, basil. Am I right?”
“Yep, but you missed the turmeric.”
“My favorite! I was just going to get one myself. Come, walk with me, tell me what you’ve been up to. But first, I have to confess that I
was just thinking about you and now here you are. Are you some kind of demon?” Part of her had always believed he was.
Christopher’s eyes lit up. “I am just back from a Wicca conference in Maine,” he admitted.
“Wicca?” Isabel asked.
“Yeah, you know, witches, sorcery. Not the Wicked Witch of the East stuff. This is the real thing. This weekend I was exploring being in dreaming . . .”
Last year he’d done Carlos Castaneda, now it was bubbling cauldrons. Christopher was always exploring some new discipline—Buddhism, Zoroastrianism—anything to occupy the time he had on his hands and all of it in an effort to rise above the masses. It was one of the least attractive parts of him, this tortured struggle to come to terms with his own humanity. Rocked by nausea and the surprise of seeing him, Isabel couldn’t bear the thought of hearing about his latest effort to find himself.
“Please, don’t tell me the details. I’m not sure I’ll like you anymore if you do.”
“Okay,” he agreed easily. Christopher did have his charms. “Let’s talk about you. So, how far along are you?”
She stopped short on the sidewalk and pushed him away from her. “What are you talking about?”
“I’m a demon, you said it yourself. Besides, I had a minute to watch you walk down the street. I couldn’t help but notice your breasts. You’ve gone up a cup size or two, you haven’t gained weight, and I know you didn’t get implants.”
Christopher’s inscrutability often lulled Isabel into thinking that he wasn’t paying attention, when in fact nothing went unnoticed with him. It was incredibly annoying—there was nowhere to hide.
“Almost three months and nobody knows yet. I don’t want to tell anyone until after I have the amnio,” Isabel told him.
Christopher smirked and looked away. The mention of the amnio was clearly one step further than he was willing to go, conjuring prospects of the messiness that life can bring.
“Please keep it to yourself,” Isabel added, knowing it was a silly thing to ask. The fact of her pregnancy meant little to him—at least in the sense of how it affected her life. How or if he related at all to the prospect of her pending motherhood, she had no way of knowing.
They walked together silently for a few blocks. Isabel held on to his arm, leaning against him. No matter how long it’d been since they’d last seen each other, the pair quickly fell into an old pattern of contentious adoration. Theirs was a slippery connection, perhaps the reason it had continued as it did for so many years. Suddenly, Isabel felt light-headed and thought she was going to vomit.
“Chris, I need to find a bathroom . . . right now,” she said. All color drained from her face.
Christopher slipped his arms under Isabel’s to support her and led her into a Tibetan clothing store. “Excuse me,” he said to the woman behind the counter. “Could my wife please use your bathroom? She’s pregnant and not feeling very well.”
He held Isabel’s hair back as she vomited what was left of her breakfast and the few sips of Christopher’s smoothie onto his Belgian loafers and into the sink.
When she stopped, he wiped her forehead and mouth with a handkerchief he’d soaked in cold water.
“You okay?” he asked.
“Fine, now. Thank you. Sorry about the shoes—they were very nice before I threw up on them.” She felt weary and at that moment wished Sam was there to take care of her. “I think I’ll pass on the smoothie and just get back to the office.”
Christopher guided her out of the store and back outside. He raised his arm and signaled a taxi over to the curb. He opened the door for Isabel and then slid in next to her. “I was heading downtown myself; I’ll drop you off.”
Isabel rested her head on Christopher’s shoulder and almost fell asleep in the few minutes’ drive back to the office. He helped her out of the car and kissed her forehead good-bye. “Take care of yourself.”
Isabel waved good-bye to Christopher as the car continued down Fifth Avenue. “See ya, Chris.”
He was already a block away.
Waiting for the elevator to take her to her office on the eleventh floor, Isabel suddenly remembered her three o’clock meeting. She had just a few minutes to brush her teeth and push back against the nausea that remained and the exhaustion taking its place. Her doctor told her that she would feel better once her body finished building the placenta for the baby. But it wasn’t the exhaustion that distracted Isabel—she’d worked through plenty of that before and for far less worthy reasons. No, her distraction manifested as a profound desire to retreat into herself, to spend time alone. It seemed counterintuitive to her that she should feel this way. Wasn’t she, now that she was pregnant, supposed to need her man more than ever? When did the oxytocin kick in? The fact of the matter was she felt less needy and more self-contained than ever before. Isabel wondered if her shift inward was an instinctive protectiveness over her baby, or if it was in response to the belief that after the baby was born, her life would be in service to another.
At 3:05, Isabel rushed down the hall to the Turtle’s corner office, furnished, predictably, in hideous executive chic. The Turtle had no personal style whatsoever and had merely insisted on the costliest collection in the catalog. The editor in chief had tried to give him some tips on how to personalize his office when he came on board, but the Turtle had asserted his authority by not listening in the slightest to anything she said. Hence the oversized cherry-veneer desk, straight-backed armchairs fashioned to force visitors to sit unnaturally, and brown-and-black-striped couch with enormous arm bolsters and hunting-themed matching pillows. The Turtle was sitting behind the needlessly large execu-desk without a piece of paper in sight. Isabel plopped herself down on the couch, not even pretending to feel fine.
The Turtle looked at her with raised eyebrows.
“Didn’t you want me to meet the person you were interviewing?” she answered to his unspoken question.
“Oh, right, yes. Well, she arrived a bit early and already left. I didn’t think she was right for the job,” the Turtle told her as he shifted in his seat.
“Really? It’s only a few minutes after three. That’s an awfully quick interview,” Isabel commented, mildly curious about what would inspire him to dismiss someone so quickly. “What was she like?”
“She was, um, I don’t know . . . She didn’t seem special,” he responded. He laughed before continuing. “Besides, she just got married and I got the feeling she’d be looking to have a baby soon. I think we should hire women who are either too old to have children or too ugly to get knocked up—haha!”
Isabel choked on her own saliva in shock. “You’ve got to be kidding me, Larry! Did you really just say that?”
“Jesus, Isabel, I was just joking,” the Turtle sputtered.
“Ask me my theory on jokes sometime,” Isabel said, suddenly finding the energy to pop up off the couch, turn on a heel, and walk out the door.
Dickhead, she thought as she rushed down the hall toward her office. He is definitely a dickhead.
Tina waylaid her before she could get the door closed and handed her a dozen phone messages, mostly from accounts, one from her mother, and one from her sister, Anna. The Turtle’s remark had given her a shot of adrenaline. Now that her appointments were canceled, she considered staying late to catch up on work, especially since Sam wasn’t coming home.
Unable to shake the Turtle’s remark, Isabel called Sam’s cell, but he didn’t pick up. Leaving a message, Isabel made sure she didn’t betray any of the panic she was feeling. No point in worrying him. Then she dialed Anna’s number at Red Hot Mama. Anna was the CFO of Beth’s maternity clothing and lingerie company and they’d been going gangbusters lately.
“Hi, Anna, it’s me. Do you think I can get fired because I’m pregnant?” Isabel asked the moment her sister answered.
“No, Issy, you can’t. What put that idea in your head?”
“The Turtle just said that he only wanted to hire women who weren’t going to be
having children. Actually, he used the phrase ‘too old or too ugly to get knocked up.’ I had to run out of his office before I tossed it all over his couch.”
“How is that man able to keep a job?”
“I don’t know, but he scares me. Seriously, his comment seemed directed at me, but he can’t possibly know I’m pregnant . . . Tell me I’m just hypersensitive right now.”
“Don’t worry,” Anna reassured her. “The feeling that the world will no longer value you because you are going to be a mother will disappear once you realize that you’ll get better at your job because the bullshit will become meaningless and will roll off your back. You’ll become doubly efficient since your perspective will be clearer and you’ll be able to make better decisions. Not having time to waste is an asset employers should value more. If the Turtle knew that, maybe he would want to fire you. Don’t let him in on the secret; it’ll scare the hell out of him.”
Two years older than Isabel, Anna had already been where Isabel was heading. Of course, it drove Isabel crazy sometimes that Anna had an answer to everything. Still, while she often thought of Anna in terms of their childhood taunt, Miss Know-It-All, Isabel felt lucky to have her.
Isabel could hear chanting and yelling coming over from Anna’s phone. It sounded like a rally. “Are the Hare Krishnas back in the hood? What’s all that noise in the background?” Isabel asked.
“It’s a hundred women shouting, ‘What do we want?’ ‘Shut down Red Hot Mama!’ ‘When do we want it?’ ‘Now!’ You can’t make this shit up. I mean, it doesn’t even have the right number of syllables! And it’s all women—I can only see one guy. Anyway, the launch of our new line isn’t going over so well with certain groups. It’s been crazy here all day. Funny thing is, business has never been so good.
“Listen, I gotta run. I have a meeting with Beth. Come on over if you’re feeling blue. We could use your input, especially as a woman in your condition. Love you, bye.” Anna hung up.
The End of Men Page 1
