“Oh. Well, your truck is still parked at Cheryl’s. I took you home in my car.”
He grunted. “Do you think you could drive me—?”
“Take a cab,” I snapped, then blushed when I saw his amused reaction. “You got yourself there, you can get yourself back.”
“Very well,” he answered with a nod.
Realizing that I was just delaying, I sighed, shifting gears. “What happened, Ben?” My voice came out softer than I had expected, and it threw him off guard. His expression turned pained.
“I don’t know. I don’t remember anything at all but I believe everything you said. Sarah, I’m so sorry.” He shook his head sadly, and I realized he still thought I meant this evening.
“No, I mean before that. You texted me. I thought you didn’t want anything to do with me.”
Benjamin’s eyes grew large when he finally understood. “I didn’t say that! I never said I didn’t want anything to do with you, but I guess I can see why you thought that. Sarah, I only told you I wouldn’t call you if I needed help. You and Cheryl had done enough; I just couldn’t ask you for more. And I needed time. Time away from everything. Time to think. To figure out how…”
He looked at me as if trying to press some kind of understanding straight into my mind. He dropped his head into his hands. “To figure out how I was going to tell you that it was all my fault.”
Seeing him so despondent disarmed me. I had to comfort him, to help ease his pain. I stood in front of him and reached for his hands. Abruptly, he gripped my wrists, refusing my touch. He looked at me with such a fierce expression that I lost all words. He cast my hands away as he stood and quickly walked to the other side of the room.
“Benjamin, I’m…”
But he had already turned around and in two gigantic steps, had crossed the distance between us. His hands reached out and took the sides of my face, and he held me there, just inches away.
“I can’t do this, Sarah!” he yelled. I flinched, but controlled the instinct to push him away. “It was my fault!” he roared, a twinge of hysteria in his voice. “It’s my fault Ian is dead!”
My stomach twisted painfully, and my sight blurred. I wondered how long I would continue to have that reaction to just the sound of Ian’s name. How long would it take before I could think of Ian and not feel such grief? Benjamin stared at me, searching for some kind of understanding I couldn’t give.
“The car crash wasn’t your fault,” I said.
“No,” he said clearly vexed, removing his hold, “I didn’t cause the accident.” He closed his eyes. “You don’t get it. From the moment I saw you, I knew I wanted you.” He spoke slowly so that I would grasp every word. “There was no doubt in my mind. I was disappointed when Ian told me he was going to propose, but I somehow knew that fate was on my side.”
I shook my head. “But Ben, you didn’t know me back then.”
“No, but I had seen you… the picture on Ian’s desk.” Benjamin looked at me with penetrating eyes.
“I had never felt this way about anyone. I tried to convince myself that you were some sort of bizarre obsession. I had never even met you. For all I knew you could be a horrible person,” he laughed to himself. “But I already knew you weren’t. There was rarely a day I didn’t learn something new about you, some new detail about your life or personality. Ian would never shut up about you.”
His pain seeped, becoming mine. As he continued to speak about Ian, I took a step back. My legs hit the couch behind me, stopping my escape. I heard everything, but understood nothing. All that kept racing through my mind were his words: meant to be, obsession, Ian. I glanced anxiously at the front door.
Benjamin rolled his eyes, a wild frustration burning within them. “You undoubtedly think I’m disturbed, and believe me, I have wondered this myself.”
“Then why are you telling me this?” I snapped.
He gripped my arms almost painfully as he shouted, “I prayed, Sarah! I prayed that somehow we could be together, or that the image of you would stop torturing me. I was near desperation and was willing to do anything to make it stop.”
“The following night I thought my prayers had been answered. Ian had invited me to dinner, and I knew you would be there. I felt like a traitor accepting his offer while figuring out a way to break you apart, but not enough to stop. I was envisioning how you would look; and that’s when it happened. I didn’t even see the other car; it came so fast. I thought I was dead.”
I jerked my arms away, but I shuddered as I thought of Benjamin lying there next to Ian; both broken and dying and me unable to do anything to protect them. To save them.
“All I could feel was pain; all I could see was black. I was so scared of what was to follow. I had not been a perfect man by any means, but none of my past experiences had ever been what I would call horrible. I can’t explain to you the morbid depression that nearly overtook me, so I won’t even try. You once asked if I could hear anyone when I was in the coma, remember? Well I lied, but how could I tell you the truth? How could I tell you what I felt when I heard you? You were there; you were speaking to me. You were there to save me, to keep me from the death that surrounded me.”
My dad’s voice tumbled into my mind.
Men will think they are in love with you—but they’re not. They’re attracted to your calling. Your strength… don’t get confused taking care of Ben. You have no future with him.
“When I finally managed to open my eyes, you weren’t there. I was disappointed, but glad to be alive. Then Cheryl told me about Ian.” He combed his fingers through his untidy mane. “I had no idea that he had already… that he was dead. I didn’t want this to happen, Sarah! If I would have known beforehand, I would have stopped it.”
“Ben! You didn’t have anything to do with the accident! Stop it! I can’t hear this anymore!” I covered my ears in an effort to drown out his words, but it didn’t work. He spoke louder.
“Then just moments after I was told, you came in. You were even more beautiful than any picture I had seen. It was easy to push every thought of Ian aside while you were with me, but when you left the guilt of what had happened, of what I had caused to happen, was overwhelming.”
He shivered. “I knew that I had to get away from you. I thought if I distanced myself from you, it would, in a way, be a sort of penance for my actions. I tried working through it. Tried dealing with the guilt, but nothing seemed to help.”
Benjamin suddenly turned on the spot. His hand flew out, knocking a lamp from off the table next to the reclining chair. No longer trapped, I raced to the door, somehow knowing he wouldn’t follow. As I turned the knob to escape, I heard a heavy sigh from behind, which caused me to hesitate. The door was open just a crack but I could see the parking lot where my car was, waiting to take me away.
My mind felt heavy as weariness tugged. I was so confused, so drained. I just wanted to go home and throw myself into my bed and never emerge from my room again, but as I braved a glimpse at Benjamin, I knew what I had to do.
He stood with his back towards me, his shoulders hunched in defeat. I released the doorknob and slowly walked over to him, forcing him to turn to me. I placed a calming hand on his cheek, my thumb gently caressing the bruise I had given him.
“You did not cause the accident. It wasn’t your prayers that killed Ian. I don’t know much about God, but I’m sure it doesn’t work that way. And if I would have met you that night, I wouldn’t have liked you anyway,” I added, trying to smile.
He laughed sadly. “No, I would have never stood a chance. Even now I don’t, which is why…” he trailed off, watching my face for some unknown reaction. “To hell with it.”
Without warning, one large hand wrapped behind my neck. He pulled me toward him and with crushing force, pressed his lips to mine. My hands balled up into fists, and I pushed hard against his chest, breaking contact, ready to strike if necessary. Still he held me close, his lips hovering over mine. For a moment he watched me,
scrutinizing my every expression. Slowly, his hand released the back of my neck. His fingers followed along the line of my jaw, lingering on my lips.
Every thought became a blur as I stared into his stormy-gray eyes, and I relished the sensation. I realized that if I allowed this to happen, if I gave him what I knew he desired, I could forget everything that was currently confusing my mind, even for a small time. And I wanted to forget.
I held my breath as my heart accelerated, unsure if my reaction was from the excitement of oblivion or from actual pleasure. Benjamin gently grazed my tightly-closed lips, still unwilling participants. But as he continued to tug, my body started to respond. I became very aware of his need, but more distinctly of his hard muscled chest under my hands. I could smell the spicy scent of his cologne, feel his hot breath against my skin.
All resolve crumbled. My lips parted as his kisses steadily sweetened and then intensified as he coaxed mine to respond to his demand equally. As I had hoped, my mind drained when he deepened the kiss, and I threw myself into action with artificial passion.
My breath now came in gasps. Benjamin’s own was raspy and short as our mouths momentarily parted. His hand slid from my neck down to my lower back, the other hooked behind my knee, lifting me up. My legs wrapped around his trim waist, and before I realized what was going on, I was placed gently upon something soft. I reached out and grasped the plush comforter of his bed. He pushed me down with his body as his lips traced down my neck until I lay completely beneath him.
Earlier today I had looked at his body in disgust, upset at the visual change he had made during the time we were apart, but now I allowed myself to enjoy it thoroughly. My hands traced the contours of his chest and moved up to his shoulders. I let them continue up to his neck and into his hair where my fingers wrapped around the soft strands, pulling him even harder against me.
His feverish caress moved to my stomach, grabbing at my waist in an almost painful way, but it only made everything feel more satisfying. Our mouths moved in perfect rhythm, his tongue every now and then seeking mine. I gently bit his bottom lip, causing him to growl. Primal lust triggered my body to tingle in pleasure, and I groaned.
His lips found my ear, “I need you, Sarah.”
My eyes flew open at the sound of my name, and my heart dropped. I didn’t want this.
“Benjamin,” I gasped in between breaths, but he didn’t stop. “Ben, no more,” I mumbled against his lips as they crushed onto mine. “I said enough,” I growled.
He rolled over and onto his back, panting. “I don’t understand. What’s wrong?” he asked.
I got up and went to retrieve my bag. “Nothing.” I shook my head. “I have to go home.”
Benjamin followed and placed a hand on the outside door before I could open it. His breathing was still heavy. I turned, annoyed at his persistence. His eyes smoldered, but I glared, unmoved.
“Just answer one question for me.” he said.
I looked down, unwilling to meet his gaze, my back pressed against the door.
He bent down to kiss me softly, once, then twice. “Do you have feelings for me?” His voice was barely a whisper, his lips a mere inch from mine. “Do you, Sarah?”
Did I? I tried to search for an answer, but nothing came. There was a moment when I thought there could be something, but a lot had changed in such a short amount of time. I had to figure out what I wanted and who I was before I could figure out just who I had feelings for.
I shook my head. “Ben, of course I have feelings for you. I once hoped we could be friends. For anything more than that, you may have to give me time to decide.”
His eyes darkened. “I don’t know if I can do that anymore.” He leaned in even closer, pressing his forehead against mine. “Come with me,” he said as his other hand traveled up my arm.
“Where?” my voice was less than a whisper, but he heard me.
“To my cabin in Colorado. Now that you’re here, I don’t want to let you go.”
I tried to shake my head no, but he placed his hand against my cheek, stopping my protest.
“Just think about it. Please,” he breathed, giving me one last, long kiss.
And then he let me go.
17
Unexpected Visitors
I wasn’t totally shocked when Jonathan came back into my dreams that night.
“I’ve missed you, Sarah.” Jonathan watched me from across Cheryl’s dining room table.”
“I doubt that.” I turned away, hoping he would disappear.
“Now that you’re back in my life, I don’t think I’ll be able to let you go again.”
I released a heavy sigh. I had heard that before, but from Ben. It was bad enough that I had to figure out my feelings about him, and now Jonathan was adding to my confusion.
“Sarah, you seem tense tonight. How can I help you relieve your frustrations?” His index finger traveled the dark wood grain of the table. “Shall we have it out right here and now? I’d be willing to wager you’re a better fighter than you look. I’ve felt your strength,” he leaned forward in his chair. “No match for me yet, but I might let you win if it would make you feel better.” His lips twitched at the corner, wrestling a smile.
“As exciting as that sounds, I think I’ll pass.”
“Does it sound exciting, Sarah?” His question heavy with innuendo.
I stood up, fists clenched. The chair legs scraped the tile as I pushed from the table and walked outside the front door. Moving to the patio, I took a seat on the top step. I turned to see Jonathan follow me, stopping just underneath the threshold. He leaned his tall, powerful body against the door jam. Annoyed, I looked toward the night, much darker than any other night. By then the entire yard had changed into a large forest with trees that rose so high they blocked all light coming from the moon.
As I peered out into the blackness of the trees I realized it seemed familiar to me, but I didn’t know why. I involuntarily shivered as a sharp pang of fear stabbed into my stomach. There was something out there, watching me.
Frightened, I stood to go back into the house, except now, the house was gone. Only Jonathan remained standing directly behind me. I froze at the closeness of his body.
His voice whispered across the night air. “Can you feel it?”
“What?”
“The Darkness,” he breathed, smiling. “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” He stood gazing into the vastness, envisioning a beauty that only he could see. He looked down at me; there was a longing burning deep within his eyes that caused my entire frame to shake. “There’s more out there you know. More to this world than you could ever imagine. I could show you. Be your guide.”
“No.”
“I have a feeling there is more to you than you let on. Maybe more to you than even you know. Let me show you. Let me in. Tell me who you are and why I’m so drawn to you.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
He chuckled darkly. “Don’t you?”
I shook my head, even though I knew there was truth in what he was saying.
“Who are you?”
Again that bothersome question. “I can’t answer what I don’t know. Leave me alone.”
“I can’t. Don’t you see that, Sarah?” As he whispered my name, it echoed throughout the trees, and something stirred beyond the shadows.
He leaned down, closing the distance between us, but before he could reach me, I darted past him, away from whatever was lurking, into the trees and into the murkiness surrounding them. I could hear his soft, amused titter as he mocked my childish flight, but I didn’t care. I ran even faster through the growing darkness but tripped over something during my escape, falling face first into the rough ground below.
I rolled to a stop and sat up. My hands stung, but I was no longer on rocky soil; I was on my bed surrounded by the familiar shadows of my room.
“Dang it.” I fell back onto the softness of my mattress and closed my eyes. “Stupid Jonathan.”
>
An hour later I knocked on the large oak front door of Professor Stevens’s home. Nervousness and excitement did a strange dance in my stomach, and I felt like puking, but I needed answers. I wanted answers.
After several moments I rang the doorbell, but still no one came. Feeling downcast, I sighed and turned back to my car.
“Can I help you?” A deep, unfamiliar voice asked and I spun on my heel.
A bare-muscled chest greeted me. A huge black tattoo, scrawled over the left side of a sculpted pectoral, and down the rib cage, catching way more of my attention than necessary. A pair of drawstring sweats hung low on trim hips. My gaze shot up to the man attached to the tattoos. Standing well over six feet tall, he towered over me, leaning sleepily against the door frame. Messy locks of deep chestnut brown, slipped over his forehead. His unkempt beard past the stubble phase, he looked young, maybe in his early twenties.
Breathing became difficult as my insides squeezed. He was attractive. Heart-wearingly beautiful, actually but… I shook my head. Since when had I become some pathetic, lust-crazed teenager? Never. He squinted at me through the afternoon sunlight.
“I’m looking for Laith. Actually, I’m here to see Dr. Stevens. Is he here?”
“Well, which is it, girl? Laith or Dr. Stevens?” the man grumbled, a slight bit of humor in his tone.
I smiled, coming closer to the door, avoiding staring at his distracting physique. The man wiped a hand down his tired, but perfect face then peered at me through red eyes.
“I’m sorry. Dr. Stevens, please. I’m—”
“Holy shit.” The man went pale, his eyes growing wide. “Ava?”
Stunned, I shook my head. “No, I’m sorry…” But the man suddenly strode forward and grabbed me by the arms. His shoulder and arm muscles strained.
Oh, shit.
“Ava.”
I quickly took a step back, surveilling the situation, but he didn’t let me get far.
Friend or Foe? My father’s voice questioned.
Personal Demons Page 14
