Just as she’d anticipated, that set him off.
“Of course I don’t want you fucking Slade!” Fang roared. “Are you out of your goddamn mind? I am the one you submit to. I am your mate.”
“Jane, I swear to the gods, if you do not get away from him, I will not be responsible for what happens.” Slade warned in a dark voice. The glowing rope must have incapacitated him somehow, because he couldn’t seem to break free. That didn’t keep him from trying, though.
“Save your threats, Vampire!” Jane cried with dramatic zeal. Clarissa was also a dramatic kind of girl. “My mate will never allow you to hurt me.”
“I wasn’t threatening you, Jane! I would never…”
“Don’t threaten her!” Fang shouted talking right over Slade’s objection and backing up Jane’s version of the dialogue. Once you started working off a new script, your costars didn’t have much of a choice except to adapt. “Christ, I thought Vampires prided themselves on caring for women, but now I see you’ve been terrorizing her this entire time.”
“He’s a bully.” Jane nodded. “And he must have forced me to become one of his wretched kind. I cannot wait to see him suitably punished. Dragged before our people and publically executed for his crimes.”
“All my enemies will be suitably punished.” Fang caught her chin in his grasp, slightly suspicious of how well this was going for him. “Including you, mate, if you think to betray me.” He looked over at Slade. “As long as she knows the truth, though, she is safe from my wrath. Isn’t that right, Vampire?”
Slade’s eyes narrowed, understanding that threat. Fang wasn’t trying to hurt Jane, because she seemed to be buying his lies. Slade wouldn’t risk the Werewolf turning on her. Not even if it meant he was going to be drawn-and-quartered, or whatever Braveheart inspired tortures Infinia had up its sleeve. He leveled a furious glare at Fang, but he stopped trying to jog her memory.
God, she loved that guy.
“Why would I betray you, Fang? Unless… you don’t want me anymore.” More tears spilled out. “Do you blame me for becoming a Vampire?” Jane didn’t wait for an answer, before she started wailing in Clarissa’s most irritating whine. “You do, don’t you? I don’t remember what happened, but I know I wouldn’t have gone with this horrible man willingly.”
Fang was really buying this bullshit rewrite. “Jane, you are being stupid. The fact that you are a Vampire is disgusting, but it is not your fault. I know he forced you.”
She kept crying. “Please don’t give me back to Slade. I want to go home with you.”
“Of course you will come home with me.”
Jane gave a hopefully sniff. “Really? You still want me?”
“I want you so much it makes me crazed.” Fang’s fingers clutched at the fabric of Jane’s fairytale dress, like he wanted to rip it off her. “Gods, I cannot even think of giving you up. You are the destiny I was not supposed to have. I am going to claim every inch of your body, while the Vampire watches.”
Jane suppressed a shudder as Slade cursed viciously in several languages she didn’t know. “But, how can you make him watch if he’s dead?” She asked, going with the new direction. “Can’t you keep him alive for a while and make him suffer?”
Fang frowned, considering her words.
She wasn’t surprised. Hollywood black hats couldn’t just kill the hero outright. No, the villain’s master plan needed to be a complicated, grandiose scheme featuring volcanoes and lasers and maybe a lion. With a little push, of course Fang was going to default to that kind of bad guy reasoning. His natural impulse would be to chain Slade to a wall and explain every step of his plan. It was just how films worked. For once, Jane wasn’t complaining about the plot device. If she was living in a movie, she could at least take advantage of the loopholes.
“We shall take the Vampire back to the Obsidian Fortress.” Fang decided, his lust and his need to humiliate Slade overcoming his good judgment. He stared down at Jane, his breathing fractured. “But, if this is a trick to save the Vampire, it will not work.” He warned. “It won’t be beauty kills the beast.”
King Kong. That misquote almost seemed reasonable, considering this was quickly becoming a horror flick. “Does it seem like I want to save that jackass Vampire?” Jane gave her hair a toss. “Please. Just how good an actor do you think I am?”
Slade froze, his eyes cutting over to Jane. “Oh my gods…” He wheezed. “Clarissa had amnesia.”
“Who the hell is Clarissa? Fang demanded.
Shit.
“How should I know?” Jane scoffed. “I don’t even remember myself, you think I remember somebody else?”
Slade quickly put the pieces together and, predictably enough, he didn’t like her plan. “Jane, goddamn it, you cannot do this!”
Ignoring Slade’s dawning comprehension and the Werewolf’s wary confusion, she hurriedly changed the subject. “Let’s get out of here, Fang. Do you have something I can cover myself with? If I’m a Vampire now, I can’t just stroll outside.”
“Yes, of course.” Fang swept towards the door. “Wait here and I’ll fetch you a cloak.” He snapped his fingers at the Goblins. “Find a blanket for Slade. He rides with us.”
The Goblins fell all over themselves searching for a quilt, which gave Jane a few precious seconds to talk to Slade. She stepped closer to him and lowered her voice. “You said you wanted to see me on stage. Well, that was Clarissa’s grand finale. Once you’re untied, I expect some loud clapping.”
Slade didn’t seem ready to applaud. “This is too big a risk, Jane.” His wild blue eyes stayed locked on hers. “Stop it now. I will gladly burn in the sun before I ever let him touch you. You know that.”
“Calm down. I have Fang under control.” That was a lie, but, for the first time ever, Jane didn’t mind taking a risk. She’d gamble anything if there was a chance to save Slade’s life. “When a girl from the Southside is touching a guy she hates… she’s playing him, sweetie.”
“And what are you going to do when Fang gets you to his fortress and locks you in his bedroom?” Slade hissed back. “Have you thought that far ahead?!”
She was seriously trying not to. Being alone with the Werewolf terrified her. If Slade saw how scared she was, he was going to really freak out, though. A lifetime of hiding behind a confident façade had her projecting strength she didn’t feel. “Don’t worry. I’m only willing to take method acting so far. Before things get too creepy, you’ll have figured out a way to get that enchanted knife over there and cut your glowy ropes.”
Slade blinked, his eyes flashing over to the wall. Right there, between a weird looking wrench and a pin-up of some girl who looked like a blonde Angelina Jolie, was a sapphire-colored weapon. It hung on an innocuous hook, but the star-effect that gleamed off the damn thing made it as prominent as Chekov’s gun. Films didn’t spotlight props like that unless you were supposed to notice them. Especially, not this close to Fang’s heavy-handed foreshadowing about blue diamonds’ anti-magickal properties. Jane hated stilted dialogue like that in movies.
Usually.
“That is a blue diamond blade.” Slade whispered.
“I figured as much. Can it get cut through those shiny ropes?”
Slade glanced at her, his expression intense. “Yes.”
“Good. Now, Fang’s going to notice if I take it.” It wasn’t like she had many places to hide an illuminated knife in her gauzy dress. “So, you have to do it. Sandbag the Goblins, palm the blade, and get free. Then, just wait for an opening to escape.”
“Without you?” His eyebrows slammed together. “No. I will save you if I have to kill every Goblin in the…”
Jane interrupted his protest. “Do you hear me arguing? You’d better come save me. You think I want to a wedding night with the Wolfman?” She rolled her eyes and marched after Fang. “You’d better find a white horse, buddy. If I’m suddenly the heroine of this crappy movie, I expect some epic goddamn rescuing from my Vampire Charming.”
INT. JAMES’ PARENTS’ GARAGE- DAY
JAMES THE ORC is a gigantic, orange creature with a collection of tattoos and a purple goatee. (Note: We might have to CGI him, with some kind of motion capture thing. Then, JONAH HILL could do his voice. And --bonus-- he’s friends with LEONARDO DICAPRIO, so JONAH could finally convince him to be in this movie. LEO’s people still aren’t returning my calls.) Anyway, JAMES’ life is pretty uncomplicated. He’s committed to the band, he hates ROLAND, and he dreams of one day getting a date with TEAGAN. Contrary to ROLAND’S opinion, JAMES is also pretty good on the bass. He is jamming out to some White Snake songs when ROLAND barges into the garage.
JAMES
Where the hell have you been? We were supposed to meet and vote on band names, dingus.
How do you expect anyone to take us seriously if we don’t even have a kickass name to…?
ROLAND
(Panting for breath and cutting him off)
The Werewolf just kidnapped my brother!
JAMES
(Scoffing)
That’s a terrible name.
ROLAND
It’s not a suggestion for the band, you moron! It actually happened. Fang took my brother!
JAMES
You have a brother, now? Does he suck at lead guitar, too?
ROLAND
No, he’s the fucking King of the Vampires! And he’s the only hope we have of freeing Infinia.
JAMES
(Squinting)
Have you switched to hard drugs? Because that would explain a lot.
ROLAND
(Heading towards the band equipment)
Just shut up and help me find a radio. We gotta contact Slade’s rebel buddies to come and save him.
JAMES
(Suddenly interested)
Whoa, hang on… Somebody in this kingdom invented a radio?
Dude, that’s awesome! Maybe we can finally get our demo played!
Redrafted Film Script- “From Here to Infinia”
Somewhere between Jane concocting the (admittedly kinda hackneyed) amnesia plan and their arrival at the ominous portcullis of the Obsidian Fortress, From Here to Infinia stopped playing by typical, wide-release, bad movie rules. Instead, it pulled out some sort of art house, meta bullshit and screwed up everything.
Granted, it might’ve been a tiny bit Jane’s fault for not ditching the damn screenplay sooner. But, she’d been kidnapped by an egomaniacal super-villain and Eternally-Bonded to a Vampire today, so she was a little distracted. Subplots and stupid props fell through the cracks when you were struggling to stay ahead of the latest weirdness in your life.
Jane didn’t even remember dropping the script until she saw it in Fang’s hands. It must have fallen when Slade took her to the blacksmith shop. Or when she was channeling Clarissa. Or when she was riding on Fang’s frigging pegasus. Whenever it happened, the Goblins picked up the damn thing and gave it to their asshole boss. And their asshole boss read the damn thing, up to and including the part about the kinda hackneyed amnesia plan.
Obviously, Fang was not a happy Black Hat.
Especially, not when he realized that Slade had escaped his evil clutches.
The awesome part about Eternally-Bonding with the hero of the movie --besides the incredible sex-- was that no dungeon could hold him for long. Jane knew Slade’s jailbreak was filled with impossible parkour-y stunts and epic ninja moves. Because Slade had to know martial arts. It was like a perquisite for being an action star.
Not that Jane got to see any of them. So typical that From Here to Infinia edited all the best scenes. Maybe the budget got blown on the Werewolf effects.
Fang was so enraged by Slade’s vanishing act that he began transforming right before her eyes. The sun must have set enough for his powers to emerge, because he was totally wolfing-out. His features elongated, fur sprouting from his skin. He dragged her into his room, throwing her towards the bed.
“You will pay for what you’ve done to me!” He bellowed.
Jesus, the dialogue was getting worse and worse.
Jane stumbled into the morbid chamber. It looked as if it had been decorated by Bram Stoker, with blackened weapons on the walls, heavy curtains covering the barred windows, and massive chains on the bedframe. The place scared her more than the Corpse Road. How the hell was she supposed to get out?
“What I’ve done to you?” Jane snapped back, trying to hide her fear. “Are you kidding? You stalked me and shot arrows at me and kidnapped me, you moron! Not to mention that you’re trying to kill Slade!”
Fang threw the script at her, letting out a howl of fury. “The Vampire deserves to die! This is my kingdom and you’re my mate. He’s trying to steal you both, like he always tries to steal everything from me! Do you think I’ll let him win, again? Do you?!”
Jane dodged the flying folder. “I know he’s going to win.” She gestured to where the pages had landed. “So do you, if you’ve read the screenplay.”
That was not what Fang wanted to hear. “Well, now that I know what happens, I can make sure I do things differently.” He took a menacing step towards her, his features still changing. “Starting with how I handle you.”
Jane edged away from him. If she was a Vampire, why wasn’t she feeling any superpowers kicking in? Probably because she’d somehow become the heroine. Heroines in fantasy movies never got to do anything cool. Slade’s job was to have supernatural adventures. Her job was to get kidnapped. Jane knew that Slade would show up to rescue her. He would come, no matter what he had to do. But, she didn’t have a heck of a lot of time to wait around for him.
Finding the screenplay had pushed Fang passed the edge of control. Maybe in the original version he’d done innocuous movie villain-y things like tie her to a chair or freeze her in carbonite, but now he was completely losing it. He wasn’t going to wait for Slade to save the day. Determined to change his scripted fate, Fang planned to attack her right that minute. Jane’s heart was pounding out of her chest, as she tried to think of a way out of this mess.
“How can you possibly be on the Vampire’s side?” Fang bellowed, still fuming about her “betrayal.” “You’re supposed to be my mate! Do you have any idea what Slade did to me?! All the indignities I’ve suffered? We have been enemies for longer than you can imagine, all culminating that faithful day on the Vampire Isle.”
…And that’s when the flashback started.
For real. It was an actual flashback of Slade and Fang battling on some tropical beach. Like something out of Game of Thrones, the two of them fought across the shoreline. Swords flashed in slow motion. Artfully sweaty hair fell around intense faces. Jane had no idea if the images were projecting into her mind or into the bedroom itself. Somehow she was seeing Fang’s memories, though.
God, this movie sucked.
Flashback-Slade gained the upper hand and shoved Flashback-Fang into the sand. “You’re beaten, Werewolf!” Blue eyes flashed cold fire as he loomed above him. “I hereby banish you from this land forever.”
“NO!” Flashback-Fang and real-Fang screamed at the same time.
Jane realized she’d better do something before the movie decided to reveal that Fang was Slade’s long lost brother or something. It was about the only cliché they’d missed, so far.
Taking advantage of the flashback’s trippy distraction, Jane advanced on Fang. From Here to Infinia probably would’ve written her character helplessly screaming or fainting, again. It never got sick of the fainting. Luckily, Jane was a hell of a lot more practical.
While Fang was caught up in angsting about his past, Jane punched him. She didn’t stop to think about it, she just plowed her fist into his morphing face. It was shock more than her self-defense abilities that had him stumbling backwards. He must have expected her to politely wait for the floorshow to end before fighting back. Or maybe he didn’t anticipate any resistance, at all.
Too bad, asshole.
The bed was behind h
er and Jane used Fang’s momentary surprise to scramble backwards over the mattress. She landed on the other side, wondering what the hell she was going to do next. Nothing brilliant was springing to mind, but fuck it. She’d figure it out. She was a sturdy pragmatist from the Southside of Chicago, not some weepy princess.
“You bitch!” Fang bellowed, still holding his nose. Black hair sprouted on his hands, his fingers getting longer and more gnarled. “You’re just making it harder on yourself! I’m a Werewolf! You don’t stand a chance against me and we both know it.”
Werewolf.
Jane’s eyes narrowed, recalling Slade’s words back in the woods when she’d asked him if Fang needed a full moon to change: “No, of course not. Just the night. He will not change in front of his men, though. The transition leaves him vulnerable for several moments.”
Jane slowly smirked. Pissing Fang off was triggering his transition… And the transition would leave him weak. Her eyes fell on the ominous looking weapons on the wall. That one would do nicely. She headed over to grab the handle of a gigantic mace, yanking it free of its hooks. “Villains don’t win in movies, jerkoff. At least, not in mine.”
Fang didn’t care that she was now armed. Why would he? She was half his size and she didn’t have the Silver Sword, so it wasn’t like she could kill him. He vaulted over the bed, seizing hold of her arm. “I’ll teach you to obey…” He didn’t get to finish that hackneyed threat. Instead, his hand clamped down on her wrist, directly on top of the bracelet.
His scream was the stuff of nightmares.
Jane hadn’t taken the stupid hunk of silver off since Slade gave it to her, which, now that she thought about it, was kind of telling. Granted, there wasn’t exactly a line forming of handsome guys presenting her with jewelry, but would she ever wear something so ugly if anybody else had given it to her? Hell no. She wore it because it was Slade’s. She’d never really believed in its supposed powers, though. So, Jane was pretty surprised, when it turned out that Slade was right. Again.
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