by K A Young
“Hey Liz, have you given any thought about the extra tickets we have to invite guests for the awards?” This issue had been plaguing me for the last couple of days.
“Some.” Liz let out a giant sigh. “I thought about Nathan and Alex but it seems presumptuous to invite them to an event like this. It isn’t like we are that close with them, and a black tie affair isn’t something you just spring on new friends.”
“Yeah, I agree. It would be nice to have dates though,” I commented while adjusting the cucumbers on my eyelids.
“Me too. I wish Norman and Andrew would have been free. They would be perfect.” I could hear the grin in Liz’s tone.
I went with it. “Poor things, their filming schedule is too jam-packed for them to get away for a night out with us. I plan to make up for lost time with Andrew with a night of wild sex when they break for hiatus.”
“Isn’t that a coincidence—Norman and I have the same thing planned.” We both laughed loudly. Our fictitious relationships were extremely important to us.
~ ~ ~
When we’d finished being buffed and polished we walked toward the sauna. "Sauna, I can do saunas." Liz seemed to have perked up a little since our wax as she peered through the window of the wooden sauna. "It looks lovely in there, Phoebs."
"Well, Elvira said to go on in when we're ready." I had already slipped my robe off and was headed for the door. "You ready?"
"Does a bear shit in the woods?" she smiled.
"You have such a way with words, Miss Bates," I laughed.
"You wouldn't have me any other way, Miss Hawkins."
The door clicked behind us as we sat down on the wooden benches wearing towels that were only big enough to cover what our mothers gave us. Sitting opposite each other we smiled like Cheshire Cats. "This is nice Liz. I think I like this the best."
"I agree, it's so relaxing. Do you think we have this all to ourselves? We could lie down and really make ourselves comfortable. Like we see those people doing in the movies.”
Oh, she was right, we could. I answered, "I believe so. The girl said we have thirty minutes." Thirty minutes seemed like a long time to just sit in here.
Liz was already lying down on her bench. "This is bliss," she said, closing her eyes.
After five minutes it was really getting hot, and I liked hot…just not this damn hot. This must be what hell felt like. "You okay, Liz?" I could hardly see her through the steam. From what I could see she didn’t look like she was enjoying herself either.
"It's bloody hot, isn't it?” she grumbled and sat up.
"Yes, it is. I don’t think it’s supposed to be this hot.”
“It’s a sauna—it is supposed to be hot and steamy to open your pores.” She cleared her throat. “On second thought, how do you turn it down?"
I watched Liz struggle off her bench and eye the bucket of water. "You know what you're doing, right?"
"Of course." She wasn’t projecting confidence and that had me a bit worried. "I just need to add some water in here." She pointed to the steaming pile of stones next to her.
With unease I watched as she picked the ladle up and threw water onto the rocks. I winced as steam erupted and the temperature shot in this insane box shot up another five degrees. "Are you sure you add water to cool down?"
"Um, yes,” Liz replied.
“No you’re wrong. The cold water on the hot rocks is what causes the steam, Liz!” I was nearly choking.
“It's simple science. Water cools you down." She began ladling more water onto the rocks out of sheer determination.
“Give me that ladle.” I took a heap of water and dumped it over my head just before a coughing fit overtook me. I tried to catch my breath. "Liz, I’m suffocating over here." I heard the hiss from the steaming rocks but I could no longer see them.
"Phoebs," Liz choked along with me, "I think I messed up. Maybe we should get out."
"Where's the door? You know how claustrophobic I am!" Panic stricken, I scrambled around and felt for the door. I bumped into something and heard a loud hiss.
"Since when are you claustrophobic?” Liz countered as I began to whine.
“I just self-diagnosed. I’m really feeling it now, I’ve got to get the hell out of here! My face is going numb!” When my attempts to find a door failed I threw all self-respect into the wind and pounded on the walls. “Help us! We’re trapped!”
“Shut up, Phoebs! You’re embarrassing me!” What was that?" Liz said from somewhere in this steamy deathtrap.
"I think I knocked more water onto the rocks. Shit, Liz, we're going to die in here. We’re never going to be rich and famous, we’re never going to have hot hunky boyfriends. Our lives are going to end right here and now in this stupid…” I pounded on the wall again, “steaming cedar box!”
"I'm going to die a virgin," Liz squeaked, starting to understand the gravity of our situation. She didn’t even protest when I started pounding on the wall louder.
Suddenly a cool wave of air whooshed inside and Liz and I went tumbling out onto the floor in our towels. Well, I was in my towel. Liz squeaked and started to run back into the sauna when the receptionist, who still popped her gum, stood over us and rolled her eyes. She handed Liz another towel. Liz whispered her thanks and wrapped it around her body as I scrambled to my feet.
“We are totally not satisfied with the level of service we’ve received in this establishment,” I pointed my finger at the girl, trying to gather what dignity I had left. “We could have been killed in that malfunctioning piece of trash.”
“You’re not supposed to get it that steamy in there or raise the temperature that high. See…” She pointed to the yellow warning sign on the front of the sauna door with an annoyed expression on her face.
“Come on, let’s get out of here.” Liz grabbed my arm and hauled me back to where our clothes were stashed.
“Why weren’t you wearing your towel?” I asked as we dressed.
"It kinda fell off in the panic." I could understand that.
"So you would have rather gone back in there and died?" I asked as I followed her past the beastly box, then I saw why she had panicked. Three fat, hairy men stood in front of sauna. Their towels barely covered anything and they smiled, showing nasty smoke-stained teeth. "Ugh. Yeah, I think I’d rather die too.”
Before we loaded into Wilf I smirked, “Die a virgin?”
She laughed. “It seemed like the appropriate thing to say at the time. Everyone knows that virgins always get saved first.”
American and Brit
Dearest American and Brit.
Phoebe, Liz, tell my hot ass Derrick to shut the fudge up. We all know it’s for the best.
Love ya, besties.
Mary
Lizbeth
Come One, Come All. You’ll Never Believe the Size of This
A blood-curdling scream woke me from a deep sleep—it took a lot to wake me. I slept like the dead. In the pitch black of night I leapt out of the bed and ran toward the door, my heart beating out of my chest. A second later I was knocked on my arse and my head throbbed. “Dammit!” The door was shut. I rubbed my aching head where a goose egg sized bump formed. I was wide awake now. Phoebe was still screaming as I stood and quickly looked around for a weapon but only found my umbrella. If someone was attacking Phoebe they were going to pay. An umbrella would have to do. I hauled arse to her room and, finding it empty, followed the sound to her bathroom. I jerked the door open, reared back to pummel the bastard with my trusty umbrella, but found Phoebe completely alone and sitting in the bathtub filled with ice and water.
No wonder she was screaming; this was too much even for Phoebs. Rolling my eyes I said in an irritated tone, “Why the hell are you sitting in a tub full of ice? Have you completely lost your mind? I thought you were being raped or something.” Phoebe burst into tears. “Don’t cry, just get out of there.” I grabbed a towel and held it up for her.
“I can’t get out!” she sobbed. “My vagina is
the size of my face!” she wailed as I stood there stunned.
“What?” I started to laugh.
“This is not a laughing matter, Lizbeth—it really is the size of my face and growing by the second. I woke up with this horrible itching and burning, and when I went to the bathroom I freaked. My vajayjay is huge!” After taking a second to digest her announcement I gained up courage and peeked over the tub, shocked to find she wasn’t drunk or being hysterical. It was, in fact, larger than the size of her face. I screamed and jumped back. “What am I going to do, Liz? I thought the ice would reduce the swelling but it’s only making it worse. I think I’m having some kind of reaction to that wax.”
She was right, she must have had some sort of allergic reaction. It was that cheap salon. For a second fear struck in my heart that I could be next. Relief washed over me when I confirmed that I was perfectly normal down south. Now I could properly focus on Phoebe. “Get out, we’re getting some Benadryl in you and then going to the hospital!”
~ ~ ~
Helping Phoebe to the elevator was a riot. I couldn’t help but laugh at the way she walked bowlegged to the elevator in that oversized skirt. It was the only thing she could wear in her current condition.
“Stop laughing at me!” she scowled but then caught her reflection in the elevator doors as we exited and starting laughing too. “Oh God, only me. This crap could only happen to me.”
“Morning, girls,” Alex and Nathan greeted us.
“Shit, that’s all we need.” Phoebe was furious. “What are they doing out this late anyway?”
“Morning guys, you’re out late,” I replied as I continued to guide Phoebe toward the door. The guys were eyeing her oddly.
“Let’s stop for a chat, why don’t we. I don’t think it can get any bigger anyway!” Phoebe huffed.
“Okay, I have no idea what that means. We, um, just finished work.” Nathan stared as Phoebe spread her legs even wider and folded her arms across her chest. “Everything okay here, girls?”
“Hunky-dory. I’m on the verge of dying while you two idiots prattle on about bullshit!” Alex made an odd face at Phoebe’s skirt choice. She was livid! “Do you two wanna look too? Sure, why the hell not!” Phoebe squeaked and started to lift her skirt before I drug her out of the building, smiling apologetically at the boys.
The doorman was wide-eyed as he opened the door for us. Neither one of us had the nerve to look him in the eye as we went to get into the cab. Phoebe flashed the driver and me with her giant vajayjay as she slid across the seat. Being the good friend that I am I pulled her skirt down and whispered, ignoring the bug-eyed driver. “You didn’t wear any panties?”
“I couldn’t get any on.” Her face reddened with sheer mortification and I nodded my understanding. The third time the driver glanced back in his rearview mirror at Phoebs she snapped under all the duress. “Oh, for fucks sake! Yes, my vagina is a giant balloon, okay? I have a vagina the size of your head! Get over it and drive, you asshole! I could die here while you indulge in your giant vajayjay fantasy!” I didn’t say a word, just patted her hand. Her outburst was understandable.
In desperation I tried to change the subject and not look at the ever-growing fanjita. I spoke quietly, “Nathan and Alex looked pretty hot and they’ve just finished work. I wonder what they do.”
“No idea, and to be honest at this precise moment in time I don’t give a shit. Can’t this asshole drive any faster?” At that I decided to keep quiet before she turned on me.
Three hours later we were still sitting in the hospital waiting room. Phoebe was livid as they kept calling others back before her. “Good God! You’d think with a serious medical condition like mine, they’d take me back first! I could die sitting out here. I think my throat is swelling shut!” she lied as an old man was being wheeled past us as they called his name. “I mean, what the hell’s so wrong with him? He looks perfectly fine to me.”
“I think he’s having a heart attack, Phoebe!” I whispered harshly, smiling politely at the woman pushing the chair.
“Oh. I guess it’s okay that they take him before me then.” She shut up and ducked her head down into the magazine.
Another hour passed and Phoebe was now snoring loudly with her head propped on my shoulder. The Benadryl had finally kicked in right before they called her back. “Wake up, Phoebe.” When she didn’t I shoved her head off of me. She had drool on the side of her face, which meant I had her drool on me. Yuk.
“What the hell, Liz!” She swatted at me, making a scene. They probably thought she was a mental patient. Not that I would be able to argue effectively against that if they brought out a straitjacket.
I shook her. “It’s your turn to go back.”
She was wide awake now. “Oh, oh good.” To navigate around her girth she slid out of the chair like a pregnant woman. She stood there and waited when I didn’t get up. “You’re not going to go back with me?” She was incredulous.
“Phoebe Hawkins!” the large nurse on the opposite side of the room called again.
When Phoebe didn’t budge I stood, “Oh, all right.” She then waddled toward the nurse and I walked behind, carrying both our purses.
I sat on the chair in the corner as Phoebe changed into a gown the nurse gave her and sat on the bed. Surely she would be okay by tomorrow night. Not that I dared mention it now; Phoebe had to be freaked out about that already.
“That stupid Leslie!” Phoebe muttered. “I told her I had sensitive skin and asked if that crap she used was hypoallergenic. She said ‘oh yeah, sure’.” Phoebe covered her face with her hands.
“I told you that place was sketchy.” I let it slip out.
Phoebe cut her eyes at me. “You just couldn’t help yourself, could you? I knew you’d rub that in my face at your first opportunity. I could die tonight and those would be the last words you ever said to me.”
It was bad, I know, but sometimes Phoebe ran full fledge into trouble and dragged me with her. Then I sighed and thought back to several times the roles had been reversed and I’d been the one to drag her into something. My smug expression fell. “Okay, I’m sorry. It wasn’t your fault, and on the bright side maybe we can sue them.”
Phoebe perked up. “You think?” We both laughed.
“Miss Hawkins.” The doctor came in. “I hear you’re having an allergic reaction.”
~ ~ ~
“You okay?” I asked as we exited the cab in front of our building. Phoebe had been poked and prodded, and after several nurses came in to see the spectacle she’d finally received a steroid shot and a prescription for the pain. Phoebe was officially on the mend.
“Yeah, just tired.” We both yawned. “At least I’ll be able to wear my dress later tonight. I was a bit worried that I wouldn’t fit into it.”
After I’d locked the door back to the apartment we both went to our rooms and crawled back into bed. I set an alarm to wake us in exactly five hours.
Phoebe
Selfie...Cheese Air Horn...Arrghhhh
Liz and I had gotten a good five hours of sleep and I’d put last night’s trauma behind me. Mostly. All was well with my girly parts and it was awards night. We were washed, shampooed, waxed, buffed, and dressed to the nines. “You look gorgeous, Liz! That dress flatters your figure brilliantly.” I clapped as she did a mock runway strut.
She stepped to the side so that I could do the same. “Stunning, absolutely stunning.” It really was—I could just cry. “Don’t start getting weepy or you’ll ruin your make-up, then I’ll ruin mine and we’ll both be a mess.” She fanned her eyes with her hands. “Oh wait!” She grabbed her phone. “Selfie!” We leaned in close together and she snapped a few great shots. We needed proof that today had happened. “Awards night,” she said as she typed on her phone. “There, uploaded to Facebook. I hope all the bitches who were mean to us over the years are pea green with envy.” I laughed at her Scarlett O’Hara imitation.
I giggled again. “Did you tag me?”
&
nbsp; “Of course.” The buzzer rang and startled us both. We were both so full of numerous emotions that our nerves were completely on edge and we jumped at the noise.
Letting out a nervous giggle, I went to the intercom. “Yes?”
“Hi, Ms. Hawkins,” a high-pitched voice came over the intercom. It was Mickey. We giggled. “A car is here for you.” Why was Mickey letting us know and not one of the doormen? Huh, odd.
“Oh, terrific, we’ll be right down.” I grinned as I looked over at Liz and did a little happy dance. “This is the first day of our new life, Liz! We are being taken to the Fox by a car service.”
“Eeek! Just let me grab my clutch.”
When she and I had found out that the banquet was being held at the Fox I spent over an hour showing her pictures and telling her about the place. I’d only been a few times to see Phantom of the Opera, Cats, and The Sound of Music, but each time was magical. There was something about the place that always gave me goose bumps. Now Liz and I were up for a prestigious award—well, I wasn’t sure how prestigious it was but it was an award in a field we’d only worked in for a short time--it was all so surreal.
“I’m ready.” Liz beamed as we waltzed out the front door and onto the elevator. “I still can’t believe this, Phoebs. I’m waiting for someone to wake me up.”
“I know what you mean.” I held my breath as the elevator slowly descended to the lobby. Liz seemed to be doing the same. Neither of us knew what to say and I was afraid to open my mouth and spoil the moment. Our time had come. We were going to emerge from this elevator two sophisticated young women on our way to the top. When the doors finally opened we stepped out into the lobby with our heads held high. Out of nowhere Hairy Mary leaped in front of us and blew an air horn, causing me to fall backward into Liz, who then proceeded to fall back into the elevator. We tumbled into a heap on the elevator floor.
