by K A Young
“Oh my God, Liz!” Phoebe said as she rested her back against the bathroom door.
“That was brutal! I can’t believe we just made complete and utter fools of ourselves in front of our peers.” Stupid Hairy Mary. This was all her fault. Oddly my thoughts drifted back to Mary’s comment at the table. “Hey Phoebs, what does mean mugging mean?”
Phoebe shrugged. “I think it means to give someone a dirty look. I recall seeing it in a gangster movie one time.” Well, that made sense. Mary was definitely the gangster type. Phoebe rubbed her forehead. “Do we have to go back in there?” Phoebe’s eyes pleaded for me to say no.
“Regrettably, yes. We can’t just leave.” Although I wished we could.
“Fine.” Phoebe checked her make-up, put on a fake smile, and walked out the door.
Before we made it back to our table we saw Hairy Mary being restrained by Mickey out in the lobby. “She sort of lost it when you two didn’t win,” Mickey squeaked.
“The contest was rigged by the mafia! Damn thugs, I’m not scared of them! Bring the hit on my girls and see where it gets ya!” Mickey hauled her out the side door. “Text me!” she shouted before the door shut.
A giggle left my lips as I suddenly started feeling incredibly relaxed. “Come on, let’s go to the tubble.”
“The tubble?” Phoebe asked.
I burst out laughing. “The table.”
When we got back the brothers were missing as well. All of our guests had vanished and I wondered what had happened. I tried desperately to focus on Phoebe’s face, but she was all blurry and I think laughing at me. What was going on? I could see her lips moving; I think she’d been talking to me at one point but I had no idea what she’s saying. Yes, she must be. Now she was definitely laughing and clapping. I could hear announcements being made, but for the life of me I couldn’t understand what was being said. I tried to speak, but my lips were numb and my arms wouldn’t move. Oh shit, I’m dying! No, wait. I’m drunk? No, I’ve only had a few. Phoebe was frowning now. She looked over at me and shrugged. I think she said we didn’t win, but I was in full panic mode even though she couldn’t tell. The room spun, and I slumped forward and banged my forehead on the table, just missing my empty martini glass.
“Liz, are you okay?” I heard her ask and miraculously I was able to give her a thumbs up, even though my head felt like a ton of bricks.
“Hunky-dory,” I mumbled while I strained to lift my head from the table. Once upright I thought I may have smiled at Phoebe. I reached up and felt my face, just to make sure I was smiling, as I had no idea. Great night this had turned out to be. My feet were deformed, I had numbness of the face, and the room was spinning. Fucking hell!
American and Brit
Dear American and Brit,
My roommate has decided to go au naturel in the hygiene department after watching a program about cleansing products containing poisons. She has trashed her deodorant, toothpaste, shampoo, and soap. I’ve tried to talk some sense into her and give her some space, but after a month there isn’t a tiny space left in our apartment that doesn’t smell like her butt funk! She’s been bathing in oatmeal and brushing her teeth with raw butter. It’s a bloody nightmare. And the worst part is I think her funk has attached itself to me! I can’t afford to move, what else can I do?
Upsettingly Stinky from the UK
Dear Upsettingly Stinky,
Going natural is perfectly normal if you are living in the Stone Age! You have to get her in the garden and hose that smelly cow down. Recruit some friends who are fast. Get them to scrub her with soap, oh, sweet smelling soap while you do the hosing. Warn the neighbors of your plight; hell, they may even offer to help if the stench is making its way into their apartments. Unless you can secure her so she can’t move at all, we suggest you give the razor a miss.
Good luck,
The American and The Brit
Phoebe
All Good Stories Must Come To An End, But This Is Just The Beginning.
As we finished up what could have been a glorious evening, I felt both nervous and intense in this new whirlwind life Liz and I had created. “Sorry about that,” Gary whispered to me, and I pried my concerned gaze from Liz’s face. She was certainly not behaving like herself.
“Yeah. No more than Liz and I are.” It really wasn’t his fault. I spared a glance toward Jake who was enjoying himself immensely.
Luckily, everyone else seemed to be carrying on with their evening like our antics never happened. Glasses were clinking and the low hum of people around us enjoying their evening, along with the beautiful ambiance in the ballroom itself, all contributed to making this moment one that I would never forget. Too bad I wouldn’t remember it fondly. There were these snapshots in life that I took with my mind’s eye, little moments that I would recall as pivotal points in my life. This was most definitely one of them. I gave myself a good shake and decided that I would let the bad stuff go and only remember the good things about tonight. Liz and I were nominated for an award and I was proud of that. Yes, we’d made complete and utter fools of ourselves, but I was sort of used to that.
It’s funny how people come into your life and you just know that they are meant to be there. That’s how it was with Liz and me. From day one we simply clicked and I knew that she and I were good for each other. This business venture was something that in a million years I would have never perceived; we were blessed. As I looked over at Liz, who was drunker than Cooter Brown, I noticed that she must have come to the same decisions as me. She did look absolutely amazing as she smiled brightly and finished off yet another pornstar martini. It was nice to see Liz looking happy and confident. She’s a beautiful person with a huge heart; she just needs a bit of a nudge in the confidence department from time to time and I am more than happy to oblige. Gary and his wife Ina were laughing it up too and seemed genuinely thrilled with both Liz and me. They all seemed to let Mary’s blunder go as well, which was a relief. I wondered what had happened to Alex and Nathan though.
“Did Alex and Nathan have to leave?” I asked no one in particular.
“Uh, I believe they had another engagement,” Gary mumbled and took another sip of his drink. Huh, okay. You would have thought they would have waited to say goodbye.
Liz glanced over at me and attempted to signal me with her eyes. That’s when I knew that something was definitely wrong with her.
Her left eyelid always droops a bit when she’s intoxicated. Now it was nearly closed. She looked like she was winking at everyone. I hoped to God she could walk. Maybe I shouldn’t have pushed that second pain pill.
“My feet feel good now,” she mumbled over and over with a goofy grin on her face.
“Well, ladies, congrats again and I do hope you will both take our new contract offer into consideration. We’d sure hate to lose our American and Brit,” Mr. Anderson said while he stood and pulled the chair out for his wife.
Liz grinned again before she plopped her elbow hard on the table and placed her chin in her hand. “Sure! We’d love to consider your offer. We just love seeing your chunky little self every day! Don’t we, Phoebs?” Oh hell. Then she got this mischievous look on her face and I almost freaked. I watched in horror as if the events were unfolding in front of me in slow motion. Liz reared back and punched Gary Anderson right in the stomach. He made an unpleasant oof sort of sound and almost doubled over. “Ahh,” Liz whined. “He didn’t giggle.” Jake gave a bark of laughter before he regained his composure. He knew Liz was wasted and watched our demise with glee. Ass.
I rushed into action by slipping into the now vacated seat on the other side of Liz and I did my best to laugh her comments and actions off. “Liz is such a comedian. Most people don’t know that about her.” I fake laughed, tossed my arm across her shoulders, and desperately tried to get her to sit upright in the chair.
“I am?” She gazed at me with glazed-over eyes.
I watched in relief as Gary gave out a deep-rooted belly laugh before bid
ding us goodbye. “See you girls first thing Monday morning.” His wife was now giving us the stink eye over her shoulder. She was no longer a fan of ours.
“Yes, sir. Night.” I smiled and waved.
“Night, Pillsbury Doughboy!” She waved in his general direction before reaching for Jake’s glass of champagne, which I immediately moved out of her reach and replaced with her glass of water. She took it and began gulping loudly.
“Jake.” I tried to appear as it everything was completely fine.
“Yes, Phoebe?” he asked, pretending to be totally aloof.
“Yes, Phoebe?” Liz mimicked in a deep voice and started laughing. “Who would have thought he was g—”
Quickly I cleared my throat to cover her faux pas. As Jake’s eyes widened I spoke smoothly. “Don’t feel any obligation to hang around on our account. Liz and I are about to take off anyway.” I smiled politely, putting all the sincerity into my face that I could muster. He was out to sabotage us, and I for one had no desire to arm him with any more ammunition.
Out of nowhere Liz got the most concerned expression on her face before asking loudly, “How are you feeling, Phoebs?” Oh hell no! She wasn’t going to mention— “Is your fanjita still swollen?” She did. She was creating a scene surrounding my vagina. I was mortified and Jake was thrilled—he laughed his ass off. “Oh no, your face is turning red and you’re sweating, Phoebe.” Liz dunked her used napkin into her glass of water, spilling the contents all over the table, and began wiping my face. “There. Oops.”
After I snatched the napkin away from her I stood. “Time to go, Lizbeth.”
“Awww.” She made a pouty face a second before her eyes rolled back into her head and she face-planted onto the table with a loud thud. She was out cold. We were really gaining attention now. Sitting back down, I did my best to wake Liz up. I shook her over and over again.
“Wake up, Liz!” I whispered into her ear. Nothing, not even a stir. This was bad. So freaking bad!
“I don’t think you can explain this one away as a publicity stunt,” Jake said with amusement.
“Okay, listen. I’m sorry that the unfortunate events happened at the party the other night.” He folded his arms across his chest and didn’t look at all convinced. God, what did he want from me, a kidney? Right now I’d give it to him. The people that remained near us were starting to whisper and I even saw a few phones snapping pics. “Jake, seriously, you can be pissed at me later and even hate me for all I care. Right now I need your help to get Liz out of here.”
He glanced from me to Liz then leaned in. “Fine. But I’m only doing this for the company. You two are more trouble than you’re worth in my book. At this rate you’re going to sink the company before it has a chance to make it on its own merit.” I wanted to argue but I wouldn’t; not now, anyway.
Jake wrapped an arm around Liz’s shoulders and the other around the front of her waist. She woke up just enough to appear to be walking out. Truthfully Jake was carrying her.
“It was such a beautiful evening,” she would mumble to anyone in passing.
Thankfully the car came around before too long and the three of us were on our way to the apartment. Liz was sleeping with her mouth open and her head back. God, this night had turned into a nightmare, and the silent treatment from Jake was about to be my undoing.
“You are such a pompous jerk, you know that? Why do you hate us so much? So I grabbed your nads, so what? Surely I’m not the first person to do that.” Jake’s eyes widened and he stared at me like I had two heads. “I’m a straight shooter—what you see is what you get from me. You on the other hand?” I shrugged my shoulders and gave him a look of distaste.
“Me? I stuck my neck out for you girls! I risked my reputation and career and this is the sort of shit you two pull!” He motioned to Liz and I cringed. “And this what you see is what you get bullshit is just that. You two should be in jail for identity theft, not be the next hot talent on the market. You’ve got my brother kissing both of your no-talent asses and it pisses me off.”
“We didn’t steal anyone’s identity. And we have talent coming out the ying-yang!” I was livid.
“I’m the king of the world!” Liz bellowed and both Jake and I jumped before she fell over onto him and started snoring.
We both laughed, and after I composed myself I sighed, “You’re right to be angry. Liz and I had a shot at something and we grabbed it. We didn’t mean to hurt anyone or ruin careers. We are damn good at this job and will make lots of money for Anderson Media.” I looked away staring out the window and was shocked when he tapped me on the shoulder.
He had his hand out to me. “Truce?” I just stared at it. “Look, I admit that I could have pulled the plug on this whole charade in the beginning, so I am not without fault. And I am willing to concede that for some reason the public loves you two, and quite frankly publicity is publicity. So if I forgive you can you receive my white flag and join me in a truce?”
The car came to a stop in front of our building. I took his hand and smiled. “Truce. Now let’s get Liz inside.”
“We’re just down the hall here,” I commented as the elevator doors opened onto our floor.
As we walked out our eyes were assaulted with a bright light as someone jumped out and shouted, “Blaaah!”
“Holy shit!” I shouted and nearly had a heart attack.
At the same time Jake barked, “What the hell?”
There stood Hairy Mary laughing her ass off wearing a giant Mahalo t-shirt and a headlamp. “Gotcha that time! Sorry about the air horn. Derrick gave me a talking to after he ravaged my body.” She wagged her eyebrow at me and I couldn’t help but laugh. I totally ignored the ravaging her body comment. Yuk.
“Yes, you did, and it’s okay.” I held my hand over my heart and was thankful that she seemed to have forgiven my behavior toward her earlier.
“Oh, is Liz ill?” Mary went over, not acknowledging Jake’s presence, to peer into Liz’s face. “I still think you guys should have won!”
“Oh well. Liz will be fine, I just need to get her to bed,” I commented absently and began walking toward our apartment.
As I opened the door I heard a couple of clicks and turned to see Mary snapping a few selfies with a passed-out Liz. “Mary! Stop that!” I shouted and shooed her away. She grinned and hurried to the elevator. “Mary,” I called after her.
She paused and looked back at me. “Yeah, Phoebs?”
“I’m sorry that I yelled at you earlier, too. I didn’t mean those things that I said.”
“I know that. You were just stressed out and I can be a little much to take sometimes. Oh, I left you girls a little congrats gift on the kitchen counter.” She pointed at Jake and showed him three fingers. “Pooh, read between the lines.” Oh God, she’s been watching Tammy again. That explains the t-shirt. Nice to see her change her wardrobe up. I laughed.
“She certainly is interesting,” Jake commented as I opened the door.
“Tell me about it. Mary keeps us on our toes around here.” I walked inside the apartment and was thankful I never had to worry about a clean apartment anymore. Liz was a clean freak and always tidied the place up.
“Looks like you recovered from the party.”
“Yeah, it really wasn’t that bad to clean. You can just put Liz on the couch tonight.” He nodded and went over and gently laid Liz down. As he started to rise her arms went around his neck and she planted a kiss on him that apparently made his toes curl because he didn’t resist. Oh shit! I didn’t know what to do; I just stood there debating whether to leave them be or break it up. Thankfully it ended before I had to make a decision. Liz grinned. “You kiss as good as you look, you big beautiful bastard!” Then she passed back out.
“Okay then.” I shrugged and nudged him toward the door. “Thanks for the help, Jake. We couldn’t have done this without you—any of it.” I smiled with sincerity and was thankful when he returned the smile.
“You girls are some
thing else. Goodnight, Phoebe.” He shook his head as he left.
As I locked up and turned to look at my best friend. She was no longer flat out unconscious; she sat bolt upright, grinning from ear to ear. “You’re awake?”
“Yep, have been for a while.”
“But…Jake? The kiss?” I was dumbfounded.
“Yeah, it was a good opportunity to see what he tasted like and for the record, he is definitely not gay. He was well into that kiss, but he does kiss like a kipper. So as the dragons would say...I’m out! I can’t believe we almost made complete and utter fools of ourselves tonight. Can you imagine if we’d made it to the stage before the two that won?”
I shuddered at the thought. “A nightmare that would have been. Thankfully we didn’t. I wanted to win so badly I might have fought them for that trophy thingy.”
We both laughed, and I joined her on the sofa while throwing a blanket over the two of us.
“I was thinking about the whirlwind these last few months have been. You do realize we have fallen assbackward into our lives? In a matter of months we’ve gone from nearly homeless to a career that dreams are made from.”
“And I wouldn’t want to have done it with anyone else.” Liz threw her arm over my shoulder and gave it a tight squeeze.
“We’re complete nutters, Liz, but let’s face it—without that part of ourselves we'd never have been nominated for a prestigious award. Winning, however, would have been nice.” I was genuinely gutted we hadn’t.
“We will win, Phoebs, eventually. I can feel it in my water. What the next chapter in our lives holds even I'm afraid to find out. But find out we will.”
We'll just close our eyes and leap into the abyss that is the lives of The American and The Brit.
“Bring it on baby!”
Until Next Time
Dear Reader,
Thank you for reading our first installment of The American and The Brit. We hope Phoebe and Liz’s antics brought you joy and laughter. We hope you will consider continuing their story by checking out Ghost Humping, a Halloween short.
