by Juniper Gray
“Because I deserve it!” It hadn't given him the release he'd thought it would. He'd confessed, told Gen everything he'd been holding back, but still he felt something inside that closed him up.
This was all so sudden. He was so desperate, so alone, but no one could ever be allowed to see it. He had to keep Gen at bay. There was still so much anger, so much hate. He was a broken man fixed together with rotten pieces of wood and rusted nails, and Gen would just tear him down altogether. He'd known it all along. That fear was the real reason he'd never confessed his feelings.
“You're not listening! I'm standing here, telling you it's all right, that I don't give a damn —”
“It's not that simple. You can't make it all okay just like that —”
“God-fucking-dammit! You're such a fucking stubborn ass I can't stand you!” Gen shouted, close to him again.
“As if you've any need to fucking talk, you're the bane of my fucking life! You ruined everything for me and I still feel like this?”
“I ruined everything for you?”
“Do you have any idea what that's like? Still wake up every morning with you in my head, still get that light feeling whenever I see you, still can't fucking get over you and knowing, knowing that it doesn't matter how I feel only for you to suddenly turn around and start saying all this shit?”
Everything in his life had been so perfectly organized, his emotions so tidy and orderly and compartmentalized. Gen was his nemesis; the straight love of his life. Unattainable. He could yearn safely and never have to feel afraid of letting anyone in, because the only person who could get to the core of him would be someone who would never want to.
“Well, how would you know if it mattered or not, you never asked! And do you think you're the only one who's suffered? I would have been fine if it hadn't been for you. It would have been straight-forward, plain sailing. Do you know how many women I had to go through just to get you out of my mind? And you're still there, you're still all I fucking think about. Doesn't matter what I fucking do!”
But thinking Gen was unattainable had been his undoing. All this time. All this time and he'd been too blind to see it, hadn't allowed himself to see what was right in front of him. They were both idiots, but he was by far the bigger. “Well, what, you think you can just turn around one day and tell me you think you're in love with me, even though you have no fucking clue what that feels like, and expect me to jump into bed with you so we can see for sure?”
“Yes!”
“Then why the hell are you just standing there —”
And in less than a moment Gen had crossed the space between them, that distance Therse had known could never be closed, had convinced himself would always be there to keep them apart. In less than a moment Gen's lips were at his, pushed soft and warm and tight against his as Gen's hands held his cheeks and pulled him in like this was the last kiss he'd ever have.
It was rough and awkward and utterly real.
Kissing him. Gen was kissing him.
“Stop,” Therse whispered, lips moving against Gen's as he spoke, gripping him by the wrists. Gen kissed him again, unsure this time. Therse's hands went to Gen's shoulders, holding him away.
What he'd wanted for so long was right there within arm's reach, he just had to take it. So why couldn't he? Something still just didn't feel right; he knew he wanted this, but Gen? He had to stop it, had to reinforce the dam before the waters breached it. Things could still be salvaged if he was careful.
Therse couldn't look up, couldn't make eye contact for fear the look on Gen's face might break him. “Look, you're just drunk, and aroused, and confused,” he said steadily, controlling the waver in his voice. “This has nothing to do with me. You have no idea what you're doing.”
He felt Gen stiffen and straighten under his palms. “Don't patronize me. I'm still drunk, but I'm not confused anymore. Everything is crystal clear for a change.”
“You're not making any sense.” Therse ran his fingers into his hair and turned away. This couldn't possibly be happening. He couldn't allow himself to give in to it, couldn't let Gen unlock him even in the slightest. He had no idea what might come tumbling out, and the thought terrified him. He needed to put an end to this nonsense before it began. “None of this makes any sense.”
But Gen persisted. The same stubborn bastard he always had been. “I'm making perfect sense, and you know it. You've seen me inebriated, so you know I'm together. For the first fucking time in my life I know what I want.” Therse looked back at him: straight, and honest, and beautiful as he took the breath his next words would ride on. “I want you, Therse,”
That couldn't possibly be true. Therse knew Gen. “You're lying,” he said bitterly. “This is just one of your sick, twisted little jokes, isn't it?”
Gen reacted as though he'd been stabbed. “What are you talking about?”
He knew what Gen was. No one changed so easily. “Like pissing in that guy's hair sculpt. Like leaving that cadet out naked in the freezing cold night and refusing to open the door until he begs you with tears streaming down his face.”
Gen was uncomfortable, desperate. “I've done some things I'm not proud of, okay? I used to be a jerk, I was a shit to you and I know that. But this is different —”
Therse's hand bunched suddenly in the front of Gen's shirt and his expression darkened. “Then what the fuck do you want with me? I'm just the beaten son of a drunk and a whore, remember?” he spat, tears stinging his eyes. That was who Gen really was. The man who'd hit him, ridiculed him. He'd fooled them both into believing he was a good man, but that was what lay at his core and Therse hated himself for falling for him. The one time in his life Therse had actually felt good about something, Gen had been right there to remind him he was worthless. “What kind of man uses something like that as a cheap shot? And you think you're in love with me? That's fucking laughable.”
“I'm not the man I used to be, you idiot.” Gen replied angrily, gesticulating, then gripped Therse's shoulders with both hands. “You're still not listening to me. This is just you doing whatever it takes to wall me out because you're so afraid of actually getting what you want —” Gen stopped and looked down at the hand clenched so angrily in his shirt.
When he met Therse's eyes again it was with a resigned sadness and profound regret Therse had never seen in him before. “I'm sorry I said those things...and even if you don't believe me, I never meant them.” Gen swallowed. He spoke with a slow, honest calm and a sad smile. “You don't know what it's like to be mediocre. Someone like you, as talented as you are...all of that...it was the only way I could get you to even look at me. Your acknowledgment was all I ever wanted. I'm so sick of being a child about it, Therse...”
Therse set his jaw and shook his head, biting back a flood of emotion. He was defeated. The dam breached, his defenses overcome, washed away until all that remained was the frightened, vulnerable little boy around which everything had been built. He was out in the open now, feeling the warm sun fully on his skin. “From the first time I saw you,” he whispered, “I couldn't see anyone else.” He released Gen's shirt, smoothing the fabric out slowly over his chest. “Couldn't see anyone else.”
Gen's hot palm went gingerly, awkwardly to Therse's jaw, fingers tickling the hairline at the back of his neck. Gen's thumb brushed his cheek. Therse could feel Gen's breath, warm over his lips, and stopped breathing with anticipation. Gen kissed him, soft and incredible. He gave in to it, pushing back into the kiss, hands rising uncertainly to Gen's sides, feeling the heat of him through his thin shirt. Gen tilted his head to deepen the kiss and Therse unraveled altogether, fingers sifting into Gen's hair as Gen's tongue flickered so uncertainly over his own, warm and wet.
Gen tasted of wine, sweet and bitter all at once.
Maybe Gen would undo him. Maybe Gen would open him up and break him all over again. But maybe he wouldn't. Perhaps Gen would make him feel loved for the first time in his life, and that was worth the risk. No more running. Therse was so ver
y tired of running.
He could feel Gen's hands on him, riding up his back to his shoulders. It was a good kiss. A better-than-good kiss. Tender and full, firm as they kissed harder, deeper. For some imagined moments the reality will never surpass the fantasy, but for this moment, which Therse had thought of often, reality eclipsed anything his mind could have offered. Gen shifted slightly, and Therse blushed hard at the feel of Gen's erection on his hip. He gripped Gen by the material around his waist and pulled him backwards towards the low sofa.
They tipped back onto it, Gen kneeling between Therse's legs, trembling slightly as he moved in. The kiss was becoming easier, less inhibited as their arousal increased. Gen's hands were starting to wander, moving over Therse's chest, working down. Their erections pressed together, rubbing discretely through their fatigues with each slight shift in position.
Everything was so wonderfully simple now. Therse was letting Gen set the pace, letting him take the lead as they slipped further and further from friends towards lovers, without hesitation.
Gen's hand found its way beneath his shirt, warm skin against his, movements hesitant and deliciously unsure as though this was his first time. Therse lost himself a little and performed a trick with his tongue that made Gen press his groin down and grunt open-mouthed. Therse was shaking himself from the tension of it. He wanted Gen naked against him, wanted the feel of Gen's hot, hard cock against his own.
From there, things moved faster. Gen's hands were more certain on his body, exploring his chest, touching his nipples as though by accident, but continually returning there. Therse threw his legs around Gen's hips and ground up against him, watching his face carefully. Gen groaned and arched his back, pressing down as Therse pushed up.
Therse sprang up suddenly and rolled him onto his back, straddling him for a delicious moment then using all his willpower, stood up. Shirt still pushed up, obvious erection tenting his fatigue pants, breathing hard, open mouthed. Gen was in the process of sliding off the sofa, looking up at him, surprised, expectant, and wanton. Therse watched Gen's gaze travel over him and bit his bottom lip.
Five years of sexual tension deserved better resolution than a swift, desperate fuck on a sofa.
He tugged his shirt down and swallowed. “If you really want to do this...” He backed away, keeping Gen's gaze. Gen stood, realizing finally that Therse wanted him to follow.
Therse backed up against the transport and summoned a pod. Gen closed in on him, leaning in to kiss him again when the pod doors opened, flooding the lounge with harsh, bright light. They stepped inside, a little space between them, not taking their eyes off one another. Gen was blushing hard, breathing deep.
“Third, sector twelve,” Therse announced. The sound of his voice in the tense atmosphere seemed to jolt Gen.
The pod sounded a tone to tell them it had understood, but it was so smooth there was no indication of actual movement. It was just him and Gen standing still, staring at one another, each waiting for the other to break.
Gen broke first, moving in on him swiftly and pulling him into a rough kiss, hands grabbing him all over as his own hands tugged frantically in Gen's fatigue shirt. Therse felt himself pinned to the wall of the pod, Gen's erection hard against him. He wanted to do it right then and there, to drop Gen to the floor and ride him. He was almost unbearably turned on, cock sticking to his shorts with pre-come as Gen ground into him.
He opened his eyes and realized they'd arrived already.
“Gen,” he muttered against Gen's mouth, against his wandering and determined tongue.
“Mmn,” Gen replied, hoisting Therse's shirt up again.
“W're here.”
“Mnm.”
Therse slipped around him, dodging as Gen tried to grab him on the way past. He backed down the corridor, turning to run a little way, heart pounding in his chest, lungs bursting, body shaking, the sound of Gen's footsteps chasing behind him. He felt utterly alive.
The door to his quarters hissed open discretely. Gen was still running towards him down the corridor—the adrenaline flooding his body must have powered him more swiftly than he'd thought. He stepped inside and Gen followed him, doors sliding shut behind them.
Therse looked him up and down; he seemed nervous, but there was no sense of hesitation or uncertainty about him. His expression was resolute as they gazed at one another, and Therse made a silent agreement with himself that if Gen made this final move, if he crossed the final gap between them, there wouldn't be any turning back.
Gen stepped towards him. “You've run out of escape routes.”
“What the hell makes you think I was trying to escape?”
He pulled Gen in for a rough kiss, hands roving all over, in hair, smoothing, grabbing as their lips broke for air.
Gen's hand slipped down to Therse's groin, around but not on his erection, touching the tent in his trousers. Then across, feeling him, tongue slipping hot and wet into Therse's mouth as he gasped at the contact. Therse took Gen's hand and positioned it to encourage him underneath, against the firm muscle of his stomach and beneath his underwear. He all but moaned as Gen's hand dipped south, knees going weak as Gen's hand wrapped around him. Gen watched his face as Therse let him explore, clinging to his shirt with one hand.
* * * *
Gen pushed Therse's fatigues off a little way, meaning only to free his cock but in his haste they fell, collecting around Therse's ankles. Therse looked down at Gen's hand around him, covered in pre-come. Gen couldn't take his eyes off Therse's pretty cock, couldn't look away from his own hand moving over it, pulling Therse's foreskin over and back.
Therse kneaded Gen through his fatigues, bringing him back to reality. The impossible reality where they were about to fuck. Gen's mind was stuttering over what was happening, trying to make sense of it, trying to come to terms with the fact that his repressed desires were being met so readily. There was a heat coursing through him like he'd never experienced in his life. They kissed again as Therse worked his way into Gen's pants, finger sliding expertly against his erection and pushing down behind his balls.
Therse pulled his hand away suddenly and Gen bucked disapprovingly as he left, breaking the kiss to look at his face. But Therse was smiling at him, a nervous smile made of lips that were flush from being pressed against his own, and Gen wanted them back. He watched as Therse stepped free of his fatigues and tugged off his shirt, standing naked and looking at Gen expectantly. Gen pulled his clothes off awkwardly, stumbling in his eagerness to be rid of them, until finally they stood naked together. Therse looked him over and he did the same, languishing over every curve and angle of Therse's fantastic body as though it might disappear any moment. Part of him was still afraid this might be nothing but a drunken dream.
Therse leaned in and kissed him, bringing their bodies together. Placing warm hands on Gen's waist, he pulled him in tighter, hot skin against hot skin. Gen wanted him so very badly.
He adjusted position, and watching Therse's face carefully, slid his cock between Therse's thighs and under his balls, along his groin. Therse sighed, closed his eyes under furrowed brows, tilted his head to the side as Gen thrust slowly back and forth. Gen's lips grazed Therse's neck, gentle at first, turning to teeth-bound kisses that made him gasp.
* * * *
Therse could tell Gen was starting to lose it. He began to rock with him, over his cock as it thrust between his thighs, pressing tight against Gen, open-mouthed against his lips. This was all real. He'd never dared to hope that it ever could be, but here they were, standing warm and naked against one another in his room, the living fantasy every bit as concrete as the walls and the ceiling and the bed. He was tasting Gen. Feeling him, touching him, breathing in the scent of him. It was all real.
“I want inside you,” Gen whispered, lips moving against Therse's, voice so soft that his words would have been stolen by the gentlest of breezes. The same words Meitou had spoken to him, only from Gen's lips they carried a potency that washed out that memo
ry as though it was a single raindrop in a drenching downpour. Therse swallowed hard, took Gen by the hand, and led him backwards to bed.
* * * *
Gen was through with holding back. If he was suddenly going to have what he wanted, he was damn determined to make the most of it after thinking about it secretly for years. He grabbed Therse roughly by the hair as they reached the bed, pulling him in for a hot, deep kiss and then pushing him back onto the soft mattress. Therse reached for him, meeting his lips and tongue again as Gen slid between his thighs.
He couldn't believe he was really doing this. Couldn't believe this was really Therse he was naked and heavy against, grinding against, panting against. Therse was almost desperate beneath him, hands roving all over his body, legs locked around him as though he'd try to escape. But then he knew Therse wanted this every bit as badly as he did.
He gasped as Therse reached for his erection with cold, slick fingers, felt the delicious ribbing of pleasure from Therse's hand lubing him up. Then Therse positioned him, watching his face, one hand on Gen's cock and the other clenched in his hair as they gazed at one another. He could feel the press, the yielding of Therse's flesh under his own, and it took every fiber of his restraint not to just push his way in there in one swift move.
“Go slowly,” Therse told him.
“Right,” he said. Gen didn't want to hurt him, after all.
Therse smirked up at him, blushing hard. “It's for your benefit, not mine. Idiot.”
Gen claimed his lips again; those full, beautiful, wise-ass lips, if only to shut him the hell up. But as he pushed in, he understood Therse's meaning. Inside of him was hot and moist and so wonderfully, unbearably tight, and if Gen was to last any time at all this would have to be done gradually. He only had the head of his cock in, and already he felt fit to burst.
He bit hard on Therse's neck and he gasped, squeezing just that little bit tighter, fucking squeezing around him so much that he could feel Therse's pulse from the inside. “Tight,” he managed.
“Sorry,” Therse muttered, and some of the tension around Gen released a little, allowing him in a little further.
