“What was I supposed to do?” I asked, a burst of anger shooting through me. “This isn’t a situation where I have time to sit back and heal. Did you really think you would be able to move all this steel by yourself?”
“I would have gotten it eventually.” There was an edge to his voice. He shook his head as he pressed the fresh bandage into place. “I spend so much time trying to keep you alive, the least you can do is work with me.”
“I’m not a civilian,” I said. “I’ve been keeping myself alive for longer than you’ve been training, and I’m not going to stop while KATO is after me.” Something I had said, or the way I had said it, quieted him, but his eyes never lost their intensity.
“I never thought you would,” Travis said. The frustration was gone from his voice and understanding settled in his face. “But I need you to stop fighting me. I’m on your side.”
“I know.” I dropped my eyes and rubbed my forehead. “I know. I’m sorry. I’ve—I have a lot of practice surviving KATO. But—” I took a deep breath. “I’ve never felt more helpless than I do right now.”
My hands started shaking. Despite my treatment, and the fact that I hadn’t felt a symptom until now. Saying this out loud brought it out of me. I studied my black pants, counting the holes, purposefully avoiding Travis. Which was why I was startled when his hand covered mine. He squeezed it tight like he was trying to take my symptoms away. “If they haven’t gotten to us yet, they’re not going to now.” He said it with so much certainty I almost believed him.
But my head knew better. “They can catch us any second.” I whispered like they were standing outside the boxes.
“If we don’t give them a reason to look too closely at these boxes, they won’t,” he said.
I looked back up at him. “These guys can be very thorough.” I pulled myself out of Travis’s grip and leaned back against the steel, but Travis didn’t take his hand back—it rested casually on my knee. And I couldn’t help but find it comforting.
• • •
I kept my eyes shut for the next forty-five minutes. My stomach wouldn’t stop twisting. I tried to picture a time after the next train stop, after the soldiers had searched the train, decided we weren’t on board, and let us move on. But I didn’t know how to believe that. I felt as if I was living on borrowed time. I should have been caught a long time ago. I was never loyal to KATO and my managing to keep it from them for so long was a miracle. I had to be running out of luck.
The train slowed to a stop, jarring me back to reality.
“Oh God,” I said, doubling over. I wrapped my arm around myself and burrowed my face into my knees. This time I embraced the pain in my shoulder, grateful to feel something that wasn’t dumbfounding fear or dread.
I felt Travis sit up a little bit straighter. His hands fell on my back and head, his fingers working their way through my hair, moving in small circles, trying to calm me down. But it wasn’t working. If anything it reminded me that I wasn’t the only one at risk. I heard the train car doors on both sides of us opening and closing. There were two teams, starting from either end of the train and working their way in. We were the third car from the end. I listened carefully, trying to determine how long we had until they were at our door.
It felt as if we were waiting an eternity. The only thing that kept me from throwing up was how much the smell would give us away. When the door finally opened I froze, completely petrified. Every muscle in my body was so tense and coiled that it probably took a foot off my height. Travis’s hands stopped moving and pressed down on me, making me feel safer than it should. I heard their standard-issue shoes moving around the car. My heart was pounding so hard that I was sure Travis could feel it in my back.
A few grunted as they tried to move the boxes toward the front of the car, but that didn’t stop a soldier from weaving his way to the back. I could hear his footsteps on the other side of the towers. My limbs were tingling themselves numb, and it was all I could do to keep myself from passing out.
“Steel,” the soldier near us said. Then he knocked on the tower behind me. Travis pulled his knees into my legs and pressed down on me even harder. It was the only thing that stabilized me. “Should we see if they’re behind it?”
There was some shuffling and some grunting and the tower started to move ever so slightly. I heard the tape begin to peel away from the box. I started breathing harder, trying to fight off hyperventilation. In all my years at KATO, I’d never had a panic attack, but the prospect of going back like this was enough to finally break me.
And then the movement stopped. I didn’t have to look up to know the tape was barely hanging on. Then another voice said, “Don’t waste the strength. It’s just another box.”
But the person next to us who had done the pushing didn’t walk away. I heard the floorboards creak as he shifted his weight.
“Come on,” a voice said from the front. “We’ve got other cars.”
The guy next to us moved reluctantly to the front of the car, and the rest of the soldiers filed out, but I still didn’t move. I knew the soldier who had been next to us wasn’t ready to write off this car. He could still be out there. Travis must have had the same thoughts because he hadn’t so much as flinched.
The train door closed and I was still afraid to do anything that might give myself away.
Sam’s voice was in our ears. “The People’s Military just radioed in. You guys are clear.”
The train started moving and relief spread through me so quickly and intensely I was too overwhelmed to move. I felt Travis relax around me and start to rub my back again. He took his arm off my hair to answer Sam, and my head felt cold.
“Copy that,” Travis said.
I couldn’t process the reality. Travis nudged me gently, trying to get me to straighten up, but I couldn’t. His mouth dropped to my ear. “Hey.” His voice was soft enough to shatter me. “You’re okay.”
A sob I’d been holding in for years wrenched itself out. Travis shifted, keeping his right hand on my back, and sliding his left arm under me, pulling me closer and up into his chest. His one arm held me tight around the waist while the other ran the length of my back, surrounding me and grounding me. I gripped his forearm with so much force that it hurt to hold on, but it felt like I would die if I let go.
Travis didn’t say anything. He anchored me while I let out years of built-up fear and tension, until I was incapable of making a sound.
Chapter Thirty-Six
HOME
Once we got near Fushun, we had to jump out of the train and sprint to a field to meet the extraction team. We had to get out of China fast, so the IDA sent a V22-Osprey, which has the ability to fly like a plane, but take off fast like a helicopter. We flew to Germany, where we were then transferred to a plane, and finally had access to a medical team. They tried to give me painkillers, but Travis stepped in and made sure they didn’t. I lay down flat on my back. Now that I could finally relax, the pain in my shoulder was getting worse. Travis sat nearby, which I suspected was to make sure I didn’t do any more damage to myself. Nikki was sitting with Cody on the other side of the plane. His “scratch” was more of a head gash. From what I could gather he also had a concussion.
I was surprised Rachel wasn’t with him. Then I was even more surprised when she showed up next to me with a black bag in her hand. Travis leaned toward me, listening in.
“I—I heard your usual medical care involves acupuncture,” she said. “Is that right?”
“Yeah,” I said. “Why?”
She sat down on the edge of the bench. “Because I might be able to help with the pain.” She opened the bag and started taking out some supplies.
“You know acupuncture?” Travis asked.
Rachel nodded. “One of my foster parents—one of the ones that I liked—taught me the basics. This is all the stuff they had on the plane. It may not do muc
h, but I might be able to help.”
I nodded, feeling desperate for relief.
She got to work, peeling back the bandages and putting some needles around my wound. “Why are you doing this?” I asked.
She stayed focused on her work so she wouldn’t have to look me in the eye. “The comms stayed open after the train was cleared.” She didn’t have to say any more. My stomach dropped. They had all heard my breakdown. “I don’t forgive you,” she said. “But I have an idea what it’s like to feel that way.”
I couldn’t completely explain it, but an understanding seemed to pass between us. I hadn’t expected anyone to get that feeling, least of all her.
“Sit like that for a while,” she said.
I let my guard down and let everything I was feeling fall away. It seemed like it was only a minute later when Rachel was back pulling the needles out of me. I sat up when she was done, and noticed the pain had shifted to a manageable level.
“We’re not friends,” she said. She packed up the supplies and started to walk away.
“Thank you,” I said.
She turned back for half a moment and gave me a small nod.
Travis slid a little closer. “Did that help?”
“Yeah,” I said, still a little shocked by Rachel. “I still feel it, but I can handle it better.”
“That’s good,” he said.
“Listen—” I hesitated. I needed to tell him what I found out in KATO, but I didn’t know how to broach the subject of Eliza without bringing up Dr. Foster’s death. “I found something before we left KATO—”
Travis shook his head. “We can talk about it later.”
“Travis, I think—”
“I mean it,” he said. “It’s been a long few days for all of us. Let your mind rest.”
“But—”
He smirked. “Let my mind rest. Please.” Suddenly he looked more worn-out than I had realized. His eyes were surrounded by dark circles and he gave me a weary look.
I sighed and sunk into the seat. “Okay. Sure.”
“Thank you,” he said, leaning back and closing his eyes. But there was one more thing I needed him to know.
“I’m sorry I lost it like that,” I said. His eyes snapped open. “I didn’t mean to—especially on a mission. I didn’t mean to let you down.”
He shook his head. “Don’t do that. You didn’t let me down, you let me in. And I have never been more proud of a partner.” I blinked a few times, completely stunned. He smiled and patted my knee. “Seriously. Cut yourself a break and get some rest.”
I looked around the plane. The others had already fallen asleep, and I knew Travis wasn’t far behind them. I tried to relax, letting what Travis said play over in my mind. It wasn’t long before my eyes shut like everyone else’s.
• • •
When I woke up I was in the medical wing at the IDA. I must have needed the rest more than I realized because I didn’t even know I’d been moved. Cody slept in a bed next to me, and Travis sat on a chair by the wall at the foot of both our beds. He smiled when he saw I was awake. “You know, for someone who was so reluctant to rest, you slept more than anyone.”
I sat up and rubbed my eyes. “What time is it?”
“After six,” he said. “On Tuesday.”
I slept for a whole day.
I looked back over at Cody. “How’s he doing?”
Travis stood up and pulled the chair closer to me. “He woke up earlier today. Dr. March says he’ll be fine. He’s got a concussion like we thought, but only a mild one.”
There was a knock on the door next to me and Sam poked his head around it.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
He shrugged, as casual as ever. It was as if he hadn’t just pulled off one of the biggest operations someone his age ever had—even if he hadn’t been pulling all the strings. “I wanted to see how you made out.” He came to stand next to Travis’s chair.
“We made out fine thanks to you,” I said.
He smirked. “Hey, I was just happy to get a chance. No one else would have trusted me like that.”
I smiled. “Well, you’ve had my back from the beginning, which is more than a lot of people around here can say.”
“Yeah,” Sam said. “But I never thought it would get me something like this.”
Travis laughed. “Karma’s funny that way.”
Sam leaned against my footboard. “Just so you know, I know about your secret.”
My forehead tightened, confused. “What are you talking about?”
“The last search you did on KATO’s computer,” Sam said. “The one you didn’t think I could see.”
I rolled my eyes. “That wasn’t a secret.”
Travis shot me a confused look. “What are you talking about?”
“What I was trying to tell you on the plane,” I said. “Before I got out of KATO’s computer I looked up Eliza.”
He straightened up, seeming suddenly more alert. “You what? So fast?”
“I may not be a full-fledged hacker, but I’ve had enough practice with KATO’s system to know my way around.” I paused, giving him a moment. “They’d had her in India since she was captured, but they recently moved her to Russia. Saint Petersburg to be exact. They have a safe house there. That’s what the message on the flashdrive meant. She was the snake.”
Travis’s eyes sharpened and I could already tell he was planning. “We can handle a safe house. What else did you find? I need to get moving.” I understood where he was coming from. We’d weakened KATO for the time being, but they’d be back. And there was every chance they’d be using Eliza to advance their next agenda.
“You’re not going anywhere,” I said.
“Jocelyn—”
“No.” I was forceful enough to surprise them both. “After what happened to Dr. Foster, I know why you want to rush this. But you can’t. If you do, you’ll tip our hand and they’ll move her, kill her, or use her against us. We have one chance to get this right. And besides, you’re not going without me.”
He was ready to fight me, but Sam intervened. “Man, come on. She’s got a hole in her shoulder. Cut her a break.” Travis gave me a once-over and I could tell Sam was getting to him. I may have even seen a hint of guilt. Sam continued. “You’ve been looking for this Foster girl for a year. Now that you found her, rest up and plan it out.”
“A year?” Travis asked. “You knew?”
Sam beamed. “I know everything. You’re going to have to stop being surprised by that.”
“You have such an innocent face,” I said.
“Agent Lee tells me that all the time,” Sam said.
Travis looked like he wanted to ask more questions, but he shook his head, thinking better of it. “When we do go in, you’re on this with us.”
Sam’s eyebrows shot up. “You still want me to help?”
“Yeah.” The corner of Travis’s mouth turned up a fraction. “You know too much.”
Sam laughed. “It’s about time that paid off.” He started backing toward the door. “I’ll see you guys later. Feel better, KATO girl.”
I waited until Sam was gone to turn back to Travis. “Seriously,” I said. “I know what this means to you, but it means just as much to me. Don’t do anything without me.”
He rested his elbows on his knees, leaning forward. “I won’t.”
I studied him. Then something dawned on me. For the past month he’d repeatedly amazed me when he’d pick up things about me—small details that made me slightly uncomfortable with how well he seemed to know me. But in that moment I realized that I knew him as much as he knew me. “I know you’re more upset about Foster than you’re letting on.”
I startled him enough to make him look up. “What do you mean?”
I arched an eyebrow at him. �
��Since when are you ready to jump on the first plane out with no plan?”
He just looked at me, completely transfixed. When he spoke his voice was hoarse. “He’s dead because I couldn’t do my job. I couldn’t protect his kids, I couldn’t fix my mistake, and I couldn’t find his daughter in time to stop him from working for the enemy.”
“But we can still do something about it,” I said. “We stopped them from using his knowledge. And they were so afraid of us getting him that they killed him before he could reset the missile.” I paused to give my words some weight. “We can still get Eliza. We can save her.”
He pinched the bridge of his nose. “You’re right.” He only seemed slightly more convinced, but his resolved had increased. “Okay, you’re right.”
“It’s going to be harder with my cover blown,” I said. “They’re gunning for me now.”
He looked up at me, and he saw a fraction of the fear that I had been trying to hide. “We’ll figure it out. We both have a stake in this. We’ll find a way to make it work.”
I sighed, feeling strangely content. Just then the door opened—this time without a knock. Agent Lee marched in with a spring in her step and a big smile on her face. “Jocelyn!” She was loud and excited and I knew it was more than just a successful mission. “Jocelyn, we found your father.”
My heart stopped, and for a moment I couldn’t feel anything but the sinking pit in my stomach. This was an entirely different kind of fear.
Acknowledgments
The acknowledgments section of a first novel is about so much more than thanking the people who helped with this specific book. It’s about thanking all of the people who have helped turn a dream into a reality. So, with that in mind, thanks to:
My agent, Michelle Wolfson, for the call that changed my life and for loving Jocelyn’s story more than I could have ever hoped for. Your hard work and guidance through this whole process have been invaluable. Also, thank you for the thoughtful and encouraging email years before taking me on. You saw what I was trying to do long before I was actually doing it, which left me convinced that you would one day be the perfect agent for me and my work. I’m so grateful you felt the same way when the time came.
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