Mark squeezes my hand. It feels weird because at the same time, the blood pressure cuff is automatically taking my blood pressure. I hate all of these crazy machines. How do I even know that they’re doing their jobs correctly? Yet, no one else seems remotely concerned or alarmed, so I focus on taking a deep breath and breathing through it all.
“Shelby, Dr. Charleston was totally baffled by the fact that the PET scan had not been done before this surgery. He is not sure whose results he was shown, but they weren’t yours. Dr. Charleston is not happy with the hospital and basically read them the riot act. He threatened to pull his credentials from this hospital if they don’t tighten their protocols.”
“That doesn’t help me much, does it? I still have to have surgery yet another time,” I snap, feeling panic over take me.
“I’m sorry that I can’t make that part go away for you too, I wish I could. I’ve got a team at Hunters Crossing looking into ways to make the hospital sit up and take notice of their protocol,” Mark growls under his breath.
“Is that a fancy way of telling me you’re going to sue the pants off of them?” I whisper, my eyes wide with shock. “I didn’t think you guys did that kind of thing at your office.”
“We’ve been looking into expanding our clientele,” he answers succinctly.
Mark and I both jump about a foot in the air when we are interrupted by a nurse. “Excuse me, Ms. Lyons, I just want to let you know that Dr. Holtz, the anesthesiologist, has been delayed a few minutes.”
Her voice is instantly recognizable to me and I look up to see a set of familiar brown eyes. I eagerly tap Mark on the shoulder as I announce, “Mark, remember I told you about that really cool nurse who helped me keep my calm when I was losing my mind on the operating table the last time I was in here? This is her! I can’t believe it.”
I turn to her and earnestly declare, “I’m so glad I ran into you again. I never got a chance to say thank you for helping me keep it together that day. I was so scared and you helped me. I’m sorry, I never had a chance to get your name because I was so groggy.”
Mark lets out a deep heaving sigh as he sits forward in his chair, shaking his head. He and the nurse both look like they’ve been hit in the solar plexus.
“Shelby,” he says, after pausing a few moments to regain his speech, “You’ll recall I told you that there must be forces bigger than us involved with our meeting? Meet the next exhibit —”
“Mark, what are you talking about?” I ask, completely befuddled.
“I mean — my brother, karma or the spirits must be having some fun now because your favorite nurse happens to be my ex-wife, Tanyanita.”
“Wow. Just wow. Did you know she was a nurse?” I stammer after a few moments. “Did you arrange for her to work on my case? I’m sorry I’m just really confused.”
“No, there’s no way that he could have done that,” the woman supplies in a rather shaky voice. “The last time I spoke to Mark, I was still getting my ears wet as a CNA. He would have had no idea that I’ve worked my way up to the rank of surgical nurse.”
“So, you guys don’t talk at all? Like not at all — you don’t even know how Ketki is doing?”
Tanyanita slumps against the doorframe as she answers, “No, I don’t know. I figure that I forfeited the right to find that out when I was foolish enough to walk out the door. I just couldn’t find a way to balance who I was with what my daughter needed from me and I lost myself and my daughter in the process. It took me a while to figure it all out and when I did, I figured that it would be better for everyone if I just stayed away.”
As I watch the emotions play across the face of the woman I thought I would never understand, something utterly shocking happens. I begin to feel sorry for my former sworn enemy. She seems truly regretful. She’s not at all the monster that I envisioned her to be. “That must’ve been tough,” I sympathize.
Tears spring to her eyes as she insists, “I’m sorry. I can’t do this at work. If you want me to be transferred off your case, I guess that can be arranged.”
I hold up my hand to get her attention. “Tanyanita, please stop. The only reason that I brought you to Mark’s attention to begin with is because I thought you did an exceptional job as a nurse. It would be silly for me to ask for a different nurse because you guys know each other. I know that you’re a professional. I will see you in a few minutes. Hopefully, you won’t have to talk me down from the ceiling this time. Although if you have to, I have no doubt that you can.”
Tanyanita nods her head toward me in acknowledgment as she acquiesces, “All right then Ms. Lyons. I’ll see you back in the operating theater. Hopefully, this time won’t be as traumatizing for you since you know what to expect. Thank you for your kindness.”
She turns toward Mark and comments, “This one is pretty nice. She’ll probably treat you better than I did.”
IF YOU HAD TOLD ME that my two worlds were going to collide like this, I would’ve laughed in your face. Never happen in a million years. How ironic is it that the woman I loved in my past is taking care of the person that I see loving in the future? I can’t even begin to wrap my brain around all of the coincidences that needed to happen in the universe. I didn’t even know that my ex-wife was seriously considering nursing. Last I knew, she was doing CNA work because it was a way to make some quick money. She hated working retail, and one of my classmates in law school mentioned that they made a pretty big shift differential by working CNA jobs at nights and on the weekends. It worked well for us to work opposite shifts after Ketki was born, so Tanyanita was more than willing to work nights for the extra money — I’m just surprised she elected to make a career out of it.
According to Shelby, she’s a really good nurse. Yet, I still struggle with the idea that she can care so much for one group of people and so little for her own daughter. I don’t know how to make sense of that fact. I don’t know what I thought she was doing with her life, but caring for people wasn’t it. I guess I figured she was some high-powered executive moving stocks on the stock exchange or something equally impersonal. The fact that she cares for people for money but is unable to care for our own daughter just sticks in my craw in a way that I can’t even explain. Why can’t she do both? Why after all these years didn’t she reach out and say, “Hey, I’ve made peace with myself and my decisions?’’
I’m pacing back-and-forth in front of the fountain of some nondescript park. I feel like I’m waiting for some illicit drug deal to go down instead of a conversation I should’ve had with my ex-wife years ago. I hate that I had to lie to virtually everyone to make this conversation happen. I certainly wasn’t going to tell my sister when I dropped Ketki off. The resulting can of worms would’ve been so large, I would’ve never been able to get the lid on. Instead, I made some vague comment about running errands.
Rogue and Jade are entertaining Shelby at the house today. Her recovery from this operation has been rough. It’s so much harder on her than the last one — and the last one was downright hellish. Her friends are trying their best to distract her from the pain and boredom of having to stay completely immobile. Her incisions this time are deeper and more extensive so it is critically important that she stay completely inactive. This is not Shelby’s style and it’s driving her absolutely crazy.
Finally, I come to rest on an old wrought-iron bench and try to concentrate on checking phone messages from work. I’m about to throw in the towel and declare my efforts completely ineffective when Tanyanita comes up beside me and brushes an air kiss near my cheek. “I would say that happy looks good on you Mark, but right now you look ready to murder your phone.”
“I am. I hate trying to read this thing in the sunlight,” I admit. “Enough of the small talk. Fancy meeting you here or anywhere —” I begin with more than a trace of bitterness in my voice.
For a moment, Tanyanita looks as if I’ve slapped her but then she straightens her spine and answers. “I know. It’s definitely one of those stranger than f
iction moments. I’m sorry about Shelby though. She seems like a really great person.”
“She is. She’s one of the best. I’m really frustrated that I can’t get anyone to give me a concrete answer about her cancer. Why won’t anybody just spell it out in black and white for me?”
“Mark, I’m sorry we can’t. The best we can do is give you vague statistics about the number of people who beat the disease but we can’t tell you who or why. Anything else would be a lie. I wish we could make promises but every case is individual. There are no black-and-white answers with cancer. We’re getting closer with things like gene therapy — it’s better than it used to be, but we’re not there yet. I can tell how much Shelby means to you, and if I could give you answers, I would, but I can’t.”
“It’s so ironic—.” I tell her. “For years I waited for you to come back into my life. My life was completely vacant, there was room for you to find yourself and come back — but you didn’t. For almost seven years — you didn’t come back. I don’t even know what to think about that. How in the world could you abandon your daughter for seven years without a word? Without a single solitary freakin’ word — and now that I’ve finally found someone, you decide to waltz back in?”
A single gasp is the only indication that I have that my words are inflicting direct blows. I raise my eyes and look at the woman who was once my wife and when she has established contact with me she says in a broken whisper, “You’ll never know how much I regret that decision—but I can’t take it back. Ketki is her own person without me. I can’t explain what I did, she will never understand. Sometimes, I don’t understand it myself, so how can I expect her to understand?”
“How can you help random people every day but not give a shit about your own daughter?” I ask, my lip curling in contempt.
“Don’t you understand that that’s why I went into nursing? I had to understand why I couldn’t bond with my daughter. I felt like a defective human being. I wanted to know what was broken inside of me that I didn’t feel like a normal mom. I felt like if I studied about it, I might understand what was wrong with me.”
“Did you ever find any answers?” I ask almost sarcastically.
Tanyanita shrugs as she answers, “Actually I did. Do you remember how volatile I was after Ketki was born? I probably had undiagnosed postpartum depression. When you combine that with Ketki’s autism, it was like emotional TNT.”
I can’t keep the skepticism out of my glare as I probe, “Nita, our daughter is nine. So, where have you been all the rest of the years? I’m guessing you didn’t suffer from postpartum depression all those years.”
“No, I didn’t. I obviously got treatment,” she snaps defensively. “It took me a couple years to get on my feet. After I did, I remembered what all those doctors were telling us about Ketki – that she needed consistency and stability. If I had come rushing back in to your lives, I would’ve destroyed all that you were trying to build with her. I know you, Mark, as soon as you had a solid diagnosis for Ketki, you would’ve been off and running—using as many types of therapy as you could possibly pack in. You are just that organized and practical. It was all I could do to get myself to work and back. I had worked so hard to get myself healthy and sane that I didn’t want to upset everyone’s applecart by trying to pretend that I was some great mother when I didn’t even have a clue. You are a better mom than I’ll ever be.”
“If what you say is true, you’re not being fair to yourself. If you had postpartum depression, you don’t even know what it’s like to be Ketki’s mom without having an impairment. How do you know you wouldn’t be spectacular?”
“Don’t do this to me, please,” Tanyanita pleads with tears spilling from the corners of her eyes. “I’ve had my chance with Ketki. I don’t see any way to go back. She was too little when I left and I was too detached. She doesn’t know me from a stranger in the line at the local warehouse store. It would be foolish and delusional for me to think otherwise. I don’t know that my heart can handle the pain.”
“Nita —” I start to interrupt.
She holds up her hand to stop me as she continues, “Mark, it’s obvious to me that Shelby loves your daughter to pieces —note that I said your daughter— she is yours. I might be her mother biologically, but she is everything to you. Go on and build a family with Shelby. Don’t hold out hope for me, I’ve got my own life. Be happy Mark.”
“Tanyanita, you know it’s not that easy.” I argue. “This isn’t some game of SIMS, where Ketki can just create another character if she wants a mom. You are her mom, whether I date Shelby or twenty other women, that doesn’t change.”
“Well, it seems that Ketki hasn’t suffered any by not having me around —” she replies defensively.
“How do you even know that?” I counter, bitterly. “You don’t know anything about her! You don’t field all the questions she asks. You don’t hear her when she talks about how she feels abandoned by not having a mother. You don’t know anything! You can’t make those assumptions. Do you want to know the honest truth? Our daughter thinks you hate her. She thinks she wasn’t good enough for you to stay around.”
Tanyanita sways in the seat next to me as she absorbs my words. “How could you tell her such terrible things about me?” she whispers hoarsely.
“Nita, I didn’t tell her any of that stuff. She made it up to try to make sense of what happened. It didn’t matter how many politically correct answers I gave her about why you left, she made up that story line in her own head and it’s the only one she will believe. It’s probably the one she’ll believe forever — unless you tell her the real truth.”
“Are you sure that Shelby didn’t tell her that just to push me out of the picture? It doesn’t seem like her, but some women will do that, you know,” my ex-wife suggests skeptically.
“Good God no! I only started dating Shelby a few months ago. Ketki started with this schtick about you hating her about the time that one of her teachers adopted her stepdaughter and brought a slideshow to school to show the ceremony. I think she was about five at the time. Since the little girl had two moms and Ketki didn’t have any moms, the math didn’t add up to her so she made all sorts of assumptions about why that was, but no explanation from me made any difference.”
“Mark, I’m so sorry. I guess I never considered how hard it would be to explain my absence. I just figured since my brain somehow didn’t operate correctly, you would be better off if I wasn’t there somehow. In retrospect, it all sounds so selfish and weird, but I never intended it to be that way, I swear.”
“Nita, I think deep down in my heart I knew that. That’s why I don’t hate you. Sometimes, I’m downright furious with you, but I never hated you for your decision. I have to be honest with you though, I don’t know what route is the healthiest for Ketki. There is a part of her believes wholeheartedly that the reason you’re not in her life is because you hate her. I think she needs to know that you don’t. On the other hand, if you’re going to be in and out of her life, I don’t know that that’s good either.”
“I don’t know where I’m going to be in your life. I don’t want to step on Shelby’s toes,” Tanyanita replies cautiously.
“That’s a whole other topic — What if Shelby doesn’t get better? How am I going to break the news to Ketki?” I ask. “I would like forever with Shelby, but what if we don’t have forever?”
“Mark, you can’t think that way. You have to think in terms of Shelby making it because you and I have had our shot and we didn’t work out so well. We make really good friends, but very bad life partners.”
“There’s a reason Shelby is in your life,” she says. “Let’s fight to keep her there.”
“SHELBY, WHY IS MY DAD acting so weird? Is it because you’re so sick? He wasn’t acting this way the last time. Maybe it’s because his trial got changed. Do you think that’s it?”
By now, I should be used to Ketki’s unorthodox pattern of speech bursts. This one, however, caught me of
f guard because I was already lost in my thoughts and one of my medications is giving me a colossal headache. Her barrage of questions draws me up short, though. Mark and I haven’t had a chance to have a heart-to-heart conversation about what he wants her to know about her mom. If I answer any questions, I would just be winging it and I’m not really comfortable with that approach. I’m more of a “honesty is the best policy” kinda gal, but I’m guessing by the weird vibe that Ketki has obviously picked up on the fact that her dad might not be in the same camp.
I try for the indirect approach as I remark, “Your dad hasn’t been getting very much sleep because I’ve been really miserable. I’ve been throwing up a lot and since I have incisions everywhere, it’s next to impossible for me to get any sleep. I’ve been bugging him a lot. Maybe he’s just cranky because he’s not used to having me around.”
Ketki twirls her hair around her fingers and wrinkles her brow for several moments before she answers, “No. No, I don’t think that’s it. You were sick before, and he didn’t act this way. Maybe it’s about Uncle Callum. Dad’s always in a weird mood when he goes to see that Jade lady. I think it has to do with the dream catcher on his back. Maybe he’s catching bad thoughts in it instead of nice ones. I wish I could draw as good as her, because then Dad would smile more.”
I’ve been half listening to Ketki’s spontaneous barrage of words until her bizarre non sequitur catches my attention. I pivot my head until I’m looking directly at her and ask, “Wait. What did you say? What do you mean?”
“Remember when my aunt had to drop me off early because she had a doctors’ appointment? Dad wasn’t at work; he was visiting the Jade lady. When I was there, she was showing me how she used this tattoo-pokey machine to put color in the feathers on his back. That was the first time I saw Daddy smile in a while. I just thought maybe if I could draw pictures instead of playing computer games, Dad would smile more at me. I wanted her to do one on me too, but she said she couldn’t because I’m too little.”
Love Is More Than Skin Deep (A Hidden Hearts Novel Book 4) Page 10
