Shipping Sharon

by Daisy Dexter Dobbs

  "You mean one of those?" Keller said, pointing to Maisy's bejeweled ears and smirking.

  Maisy's hands flew to her ears and she laughed. "Well, what do you know? Always the last place you look." She laughed again as she rose to a standing position.

  "Ah, you must be Keller," Rudy said, grasping Keller's hand and pumping sturdily as Hershey greeted Keller eagerly by doing his best to crawl up the man's pant leg. "I am Rudy Schwarzenegger, the traveler from Germany." Maisy discreetly kicked his leg and Rudy winced. "I mean Austria."

  After petting Hershey, Keller eyed the big, brawny, good looking young man and then turned his gaze on Maisy. "So this is the elderly guy you told me about earlier, huh?"

  Maisy could feel her face growing hot. She swallowed hard and cleared her throat. "Yes, well . . . he . . . uh . . ."

  "I am much older than I look," Rudy piped in. "I am a very elderly Austrian." He winked at Maisy who wanted to wither and die right there on the spot. "I take special vitamins herbs and eat yogurt and wheat germ and I work out everyday. For this I appear to have the body of a young man." He beamed a smile, apparently satisfied that Keller was going to buy his cockamamie story without batting an eye.

  The expression across Keller's face was half grimace and half twisted smile, as though he wasn't sure whether to laugh or to spit something out.

  "Is this guy for real?" he finally said to Maisy, thumbing towards Rudy.

  Maisy blanched as she heard one of Norman's nervous staccato giggles erupt from her lips. "I'm afraid so," she said through a sickly smile.

  "What do you mean? Sure I'm real," Rudy said, flexing his bicep. "Here, feel this muscle--like iron."

  Maisy slapped Rudy's arm down and laughed. "Rudy, that's just a figure of speech."

  "Oh."

  "Yes, Rudy's actually quite a bit older than he looks, Keller. Probably something in his genes."

  Rudy grasped his suit pants and looked confused. "But I am not wearing my jeans, Maisy."

  Maisy shot him a look meant to kill--which had little effect because Rudy was too busy trying to figure out the genes/jeans issue to notice Maisy's vexation.

  "Hey, you know, you look awfully familiar, Rudy. Have we met before?" Keller asked through a narrowed, searching gaze. "Someplace recently. Let me think . . ."

  "No! That was not me you saw at the restaurant last night," Rudy said.

  "Oh God," Maisy said as she let her head fall against the front door with a thud. "God, God, God," she repeated, banging her head against the door with each repetition

  "Last night--that's it!" Keller practically shrieked as he pointed at the big German. "The restaurant! You're the face sucker!"

  "Face sucker?" Rudy said. "What is face sucker?"

  "For heaven's sake, Keller, don't be ridiculous." Maisy was reasonably certain her goose was cooked, but she just couldn't give up without making an attempt to salvage her budding relationship with the man of her dreams. "That wasn't Rudy. I mean, how could it be? I told you that he just flew in from Austria today, didn't I?"

  "Yeah, but--" Keller began.

  "You just flew in today, right Rudy?" Maisy coached.

  Looking flustered, Rudy licked his lips and leaned towards Maisy, cupping his hand against her ear. "What should I say, Maisy?" he whispered a bit too loudly. "Ow!" Rudy said, rubbing his calf where Maisy had just kicked him. "Yes! Yes, I just flew in from Austria. I was not the face sucker you saw last night."

  Shaking his head back and forth slowly, Keller folded his arms across his chest and shifted, resting his weight on one leg. "Okay, there's something really fishy going on around here and I want to know what it is. Remember," he said, fixing his gaze on Maisy, "you owe me an explanation. And you're not going to squirm out of it this time. Got it?"

  Maisy swallowed the lump in her throat and nodded. "I'm telling you, Keller, that wasn't Rudy you saw last night. That was . . . uh . . . that was my cousin."

  "Ah!" Keller said, raising his arms and letting them slap against his sides. "Thus the term, kissing cousins, hmmm?"

  "Yes," she said, nodding enthusiastically, "exactly. He's the black sheep of the family. Dopey and overly amorous with all of his female cousins." She flashed a hopeful grin.

  Keller studied Maisy and then shifted his gaze to Rudy. He shook his head. "Uh-uh." He turned back to Maisy. "Nope--that's him. That's definitely the guy I saw attached to you last night."

  Rudy stepped forward. "No, you must believe Maisy. It could not be me who was putting the moves on Maisy because I do not have sexual interest for women."

  Keller cocked his head and whipped it towards Rudy. "Huh?"

  "Oh, for heaven's sake, Keller," Maisy said. "Rudy is gay."

  "Gay, huh?" He gave the blue-eyed blond and very handsome German a disbelieving glance. "Well, it seems like you found out an awful lot of personal information about your client since he flew in from Austria earlier today," Keller said, folding his arms across his chest and planting his tongue firmly in his cheek.

  "Yes, Maisy speaks the truth. Norman and I are . . . a couple."

  Maisy gasped and Keller's jaw dropped.

  "Keller," Maisy jumped in, "let me explain."

  "There's nothing to explain." Keller laughed incredulously. "I fully understand the term, gay, Maisy. And I'm not homophobic in the least. It's just that, well . . . it's not exactly what I expected to hear." With a dubious expression, he eyed the striking German again. "And I'm not all that sure I believe it--I've seen the way this guy looks at you, Maisy."

  Just as Maisy opened her mouth to continue, the doorbell rang. Maisy stood stone still, wondering what further travesty would befall her if she opened the door.

  Rudy reached for the doorknob and Maisy whapped his hand away. "Rudy, do NOT touch that doorknob."

  "Allow me," Keller said, yanking the door open before Maisy could do anything to stop him.

  "Howdy, young fella," Big Willy said to Keller as he doffed his hat. "Is Maisy here?"

  If it were possible for a person to have a near death experience while standing in her foyer, then Maisy was certain that's what was happening to her at that very moment.

  * * *

  Chapter Seventeen

  "There's my little girl," Big Willy said, picking Maisy up and swinging her around. "Y'all don't mind if I greet the missus Texas style, do you?""The missus?" Keller nearly shouted.

  Hershey began to bark. He evidentially didn't care for the big Texan getting so familiar with his mistress.

  Keller looked from Big Willy to Rudy to Maisy. "What the hell is going on here? Maisy, is this guy your husband?" he asked, motioning to Big Willy.

  "Certainly not," Maisy said, practically spitting the words in disgust. "Wilson, put me down this instant!"

  Big Willy reveled in a laugh and complied. "Nope, young fella," Big Willy said, slapping Keller roundly on the back. "I surely tried, but Maisy's heart was stolen by this nice foreign fella here." He nodded towards Rudy and Keller's eyes about popped out of his head as Maisy expelled a loud groan. "Name's Wilson Jasper, but everybody calls me Big Willy. And you?"

  "Keller. Keller Ch--"

  "Wilson! This is my friend Keller!" Maisy piercingly blurted as she stepped between them in an effort to keep Keller from offering his last name. It was obvious that she was still desperately clinging to the hope that she could somehow salvage the whole twisted mess. "He, um, he owns a winery in a nearby town."

  "Wine, huh?" Big Willy gave Keller a curious look and Keller nodded. "Well, wine's fine for them rich and prissy fancy folk, and for the ladies, of course, but I say, if a man wants a real drink, then there's nothing like a good slug of whiskey." Winking, Big Willy held his hands up almost apologetically. "No offense, mind you."

  "None taken." Keller shrugged. "To each his own. Now what was that you were saying about Maisy and Rudy?"

  "I don't think I have any whiskey, or any wine," Maisy interrupted, stalling for time, "but I've got some Godiva chocolate liqueur, some Bailey's, and s
ome Kahlua. We can mix them all together and try that!"

  All three men curled their lips in revulsion and stared at Maisy incredulously.

  "Yup," Big Willy went on, ignoring Maisy's suggestion, "my little Maisy went and broke my heart when she married this lucky foreign feller here a while back."

  "When she what?!" Keller looked like he was going to explode or fall over, or strangle somebody, or maybe all of the above.

  "I thought you said you and him were friends, Maisy," Big Willy said, motioning to Keller and looking puzzled. "How come he don't know about you and Rudy getting' hitched?"

  Maisy opened her mouth, but nothing came out.

  "Oh, I see," Big Willy continued, nodding. "Guess the newlyweds are still keepin' it a secret. Cousin Norman said old Rudy here had some trouble coming into the country or something and they had to keep things quiet. Ain't that right, Maisy?"

  Maisy's mouth still hung open silently. She ventured a glimpse at Keller and noticed that where chocolate chip eyes used to reside, now sat two blazing orbs of a nondescript color. She realized then that life as she knew it was over.

  "And they're expectin' a little bundle from heaven."

  "Oh dear Lord in heaven," Maisy mumbled feebly.

  "Ain't that right, Rudy,'" Big Willy continued, elbowing the German as he reached over and patted Maisy's tummy.

  "You mean Rudy and Maisy are . . . they're . . . she's . . ." Keller paused and shook his head in disbelief. "I--I don't understand. I thought he's supposed to be gay?" he said, pinning Maisy in place with a piercing, questioning, wounded gaze. "So that was a lie then, too?"

  "Gay!" Big Willy pounced. "You mean a homo? What in the hee-ho are you talkin' about, boy?"

  "This guy," Keller said, motioning to Rudy, "and your cousin, Norman. I thought they were . . . a couple."

  Maisy uttered a pitiful squeak.

  "Whoa! Now hold on there just a danged minute," Big Willy roared as he held up his hands in protest. "You best be careful, 'cause them are fightin' words where I come from." Nobody moved a muscle. "Cousin Norman, a pansy?!" Big Willy shuddered. "Now look, young fella, there ain't no way one of my own kin is a fairy--you got that? I don't know where you came up with such a harebrained notion, but there ain't nothin' further from the truth. Ya hear?"

  Keller turned to Maisy--looking as if he might detonate. "Well, Maisy?" he said through clenched teeth.

  This was all too surreal. Maisy felt as if she were floating above the scene--or, at least, she wished she could. Anything but to have to be right there smack dab in the middle of this mess. She couldn't imagine anything worse happening to her in this lifetime. Nothing.

  And then the doorbell rang.

  * * *

  Chapter Eighteen

  This time Big Willy pulled the door open and greeted Norman who stood there in the midst of a horrendous nervous staccato giggle."Lord, just take me now," Maisy whispered under her breath as she caught a glimpse of her boss fidgeting apprehensively across the threshold.

  "Hey, cousin Norman. You're just in time to join the party. Come on in."

  "I got your message to meet you here, Wilson. What's this all about?" Norman said as he entered Maisy's foyer.

  "I'll get to that in a minute. We was just tellin' this here friend of Maisy's all about our little Maisy and that foreign fella she married havin' a blessed event soon."

  Following Big Willy's nod in Keller's direction, Norman cringed when he saw Keller glaring back at him.

  Again, the trademark giggle escaped Norman's lips. "Hey, Keller," he said weakly. "How's it going?"

  "You mean before or after I entered the Twilight Zone?" Keller said, huffing a humorless laugh. "Norman, can you tell me what the heck is going on? Nobody here seems to be able to do that for me. I arrive to pick Maisy up for a date and find this . . . this . . ." he gestured in Rudy's direction, "this steroid-fed Austrian who claims to be an elderly," Keller hung invisible quotation marks around the word, "traveler in a youthful body."

  Norman eased his hand over his face and covered his eyes, spreading them just enough to peer back at Keller.

  "Then the cowboy arrives, spinning some tale about Maisy and the Austrian being married and having a baby," Keller continued. "And the next story I hear is that you and the Rudy are . . . a gay couple."

  Wide-eyed with an expression of dread panic across his features, Norman cringed, not daring to glance at Big Willy. "Gay! Me? That's ridiculous." He erupted into that atrocious giggle of his.

  Rudy immediately scrambled to Norman's side and put his arm around his shoulder. "My macho buddy Norman is manly and virile. Not like those chopped up sausages you send to other planets, Big Wilson."

  Everyone's attention was momentarily on Rudy, as they slanted him curious looks of wonder, trying to digest his odd assertion.

  "Now I ask you," Keller continued a moment later, hitting his hands against his chest. "Is it me? Am I the one who's nuts here, or is it them?" Before Norman could answer, Keller laughed and conked the heel of his hand against his forehead. "Listen to me! I'm asking the nuttiest one in the bunch for logical answers. Oh yeah, I'm losing it. I'm definitely losing it."

  Norman moved towards Keller and placed his arm around the man's shoulder, leading him away from Maisy, Rudy and Big Willy. "Keller," he said in a scheming whisper, "I guarantee you that all of this can be fully explained to your satisfaction. I, uh, I know that it must seem a little odd--"

  "A little odd? Hah! That's a gross understatement, Norman. "What--are you guys a pack of wild swingers or wife-swappers or something? Is that what this is all about? Well, you can count me out because I don't want any part--"

  "No, no. Of course not," Norman cut in, with a finger to his lips, shushing Keller. He yanked Keller closer and whispered in a conspiratorial tone, "It's just that Maisy and I had to come up with a believable story to tell my cousin so he'd think I was this big macho guy and so that Wilson would finally leave Maisy alone once and for all, see?"

  "No."

  Norman licked his lips fretfully and giggled. "Okay--look, just play along and I promise that I'll explain everything just as soon as Wilson leaves, okay? Just follow my lead."

  "And I suppose you're going to explain everything about the Boris and Natasha thing, too."

  "That? Oh," Norman said, waving his hand in a dismissive fashion, "that's easy."

  "Go on," Keller said through a challenging smirk.

  "Uh, well, Maisy and I were rehearsing our skit for the first annual Persimmon Travel Mystery Dinner. It's kind of a live version of the old Rocky and Bullwinkle Show."

  "So you're telling me that you were having a full dress rehearsal for your Rocky and Bullwinkle play at my sister's real estate office--the same sister who detests Maisy and who Maisy wants nothing to do with, right?"

  "Exactly." Norman grinned and nodded. "See? I told you it was easy to explain. I'll tell you about everything else later. Trust me," Norman said reassuringly as he patted Keller's back.

  Using every ounce of inner strength, Norman turned to look at Maisy, who seemed as though she was off in another world--or wished she was. She was in such bad shape that she didn't even appear to be angry with Norman. It was as if she had somehow transcended beyond anger. That was bad. It really worried Norman because he knew he'd have to pay--bigtime.

  Then Norman looked back to Keller, who appeared to be red-hot, flummoxed, and fuming. As he glanced at Rudy, the big German, who had turned an odd shade of green and looked as though he wished he'd rather be on a slow boat to the Fatherland than embroiled in this mess, smiled and waved at Norman. The only one apparently enjoying the muddled situation was Big Willy.

  "Maisy," Norman said, walking to Maisy and clasping her elbow, "I . . . uh . . . I got Wilson's message about him being on his way to your place on my cell phone. I tried to stop him--eh--I mean, I tried to call him back to let him know that you had plans already, but it looks like I was too late." He did his best to smile, but the attempt was meager at
best.

  Freeing her elbow, Maisy graced Norman with a peculiar smile. "Excuse me, gentlemen, won't you?" she said in an odd manner as she swept past the four men standing in her foyer into the kitchen.

  "Maisy," Keller called after her. "Norman, what's wrong with her? She looks like she's zoned out," Keller said, fastening a desperate-looking gaze on him.

  "She is. Honestly, I can explain everything, Keller," Norman said through a plastic smile as he inched his way towards the kitchen where Maisy had gone. "And we'll have a great laugh over it later--trust me." He winked and sped around the corner.

  Standing in the kitchen with Hershey panting attentively at her heels, Maisy was pouring herself a gargantuan glass of Godiva Chocolate Liqueur, with the bottles of Bailey's and Kahlua standing nearby.

  "Jesus, Maisy, you must have sixteen ounces of booze in that tumbler. What the hell are you doing?"

  "Killing myself."

  "With chocolate liqueur?"

  "Why not? Can you think of a better way to go?" she said, shooting Norman a weary expression of defeat and resignation.

  "But honey, you'll make yourself awfully sick before you die," Norman said, trying to take the glass from her. "You'll throw it all up."

  With a firm hold on her glass, Maisy went to the refrigerator and retrieved a can of Hershey's chocolate syrup, which she proceeded to pour from into her hefty glass of liqueur.

  Norman slapped his hand to his face and groaned, trying once more to take the glass from Maisy.

  "No problem," Maisy said. "If this doesn't kill me, then I'll finish the job with the Bailey's and Kahlua." Maisy snatched her glass and held it close to her chest, with a threatening glare that dared Norman to interfere with her death-by-chocolate plans. She placed it on the counter away from Norman's reach and then she took the little step stool and stood on it to reach the small kitchen cabinet above the refrigerator. In a moment she stepped back down, holding a decorative cake tin as if it were precious treasure.