by Carrie Asai
Teddy glared at me from the front seat. “We’re almost at the border,” he said. His eyes weren’t red anymore. “We need to come up with a plan.”
“I thought you said you knew someone,” I said.
“I do, but I don’t know how he’s going to deal with three of us. Two, maybe, but not three.” He eyed me.
“How do you know this guy?” I asked suspiciously.
“Used to come down here with, you know, little drugs. Guy never searched me. Always got a kickback. But…”
“So are you sure this guy is working?” I asked.
“I called him before we left. He’ll be there. But as I was saying, I don’t know…. maybe two instead of three…. Honestly, the best thing to do is for you to hide.”
“What, me?” I asked, still drowsy. “Where?”
“Well…maybe the trunk.”
Hiro looked at him. “I don’t like this trunk idea,” he said.
“Dude, I don’t either, but—”
“I’ll go in the trunk,” Hiro said quickly. “I don’t want Heaven in there.”
“Hiro…,” I started. “That doesn’t make any sense. No one is looking for you. But people are looking for me. And possibly for Teddy, too.” I shot him a sidelong glance. Teddy nodded. I swallowed quickly. “I guess I’ll go in the trunk.”
“No way,” Hiro said. “I’m going. Pull over.”
Teddy pulled the car over to the side of the road. Hiro got out and stood impatiently at the back of the car.
“Couldn’t we at least try to get past this guy at the gate with three of us?” I asked Teddy angrily.
“Heaven…,” Teddy said, looking at me intently. I could see a great amount of desire in his eyes—and loss. “What’s up with you two? Are you, like, in love or something? This has been the weirdest drive of my life…the weirdest couple of days of my life…and, well, you know how I feel….”
I sighed. I’d wondered when he was going to ask this question. “I don’t know what’s going on,” I said. “I’m sorry. I…I can’t explain it. I mean, maybe nothing, but…Hiro has helped me. There’s something….” I wasn’t making any sense. But in Teddy’s eyes, I could see a certain understanding. He nodded in an almost heartfelt way.
“All right,” he said. “I get it.” He sounded so utterly sad. “I see how it is.”
“But…,” I said. I didn’t know what I was trying to say. I knew I couldn’t placate Teddy by lying, by making something up. I had to tell him the truth. We were friends. “I’m sorry,” I said quietly.
“No biggie,” Teddy said. It seemed like he’d just brushed off his feelings. He stared out at the cars passing on the highway. I sensed Teddy was fighting back the urge to say something else, something that hurt too much. He then quickly shot out of the front seat and went to confer with Hiro, who was still standing expectantly at the back of the car.
We drove to the border. I saw the large border police structures rising in the distance and my heart started to race. We were seriously going to Mexico. Hiro calmly stared straight ahead. He must have sensed I was getting nervous because he turned to me, put his hand over mine, and smiled. Through the nerves, I got a rush of lust. I had to realize and re-realize, with every minute, that Hiro was here. It hadn’t sunk in yet at all.
Teddy pulled to the border and found his friend at the gate. They exchanged a few words in Spanish, and we were allowed to pass. Our passports weren’t even scrutinized. We drove on through the Mexican landscape, as arid and yellow as Arizona, yet something felt different, foreign. I was out of the United States.
“Pablo wants to give out the passports in the hotel,” Teddy said. “He suggested we get a room since they might not be ready once we get there. Although I’m not stayin’ in the dirtbag place that he’s in. We’ll stay at this place around the street. You guys got cash to pay for it?”
“I do,” Hiro said.
Teddy looked at him, as if he was surprised that Hiro had cash on him. “Can you cover the cost of a room in a fleabag hotel, compadre?” he said, eyeing Hiro in the rearview mirror. Hiro nodded.
“Okay, then,” Teddy said. “We’ll pick up the passports, go back to our room to arrange the flight, then get some sleep and hopefully head out in the A.M.”
We pulled up to the hotel that Pablo was supposed to be in. Hiro quickly checked in, saying that he was alone, to prevent any suspicion. (Although I really wondered—who would be looking for us in Tijuana? It seemed a little unlikely, but I guessed it was good to take the precaution.) Soon Hiro came back to us with a key swinging from his finger. We opened the door to the slightly sordid looking room. Hiro threw down his backpack and sat on the bed.
“Don’t get too comfortable,” Teddy said. “We gotta go do what we came for.”
“Teddy, can you go on your own?” I said. “All I want to do right now is sleep.”
Teddy looked at me angrily. “What, you’re not going to come?” he said. “Heaven, I’m doing this in part for you. The least you can do is come with me.”
I stared at him. I desperately needed to be alone with Hiro. Although I’d been trying to be very patient with Teddy, I was starting to lose it a little. I needed him to just leave us be, if even for an hour or so. If it was just Hiro and me, I doubted we’d be in this situation right now. Why were we in Mexico? In Tijuana? Did I really want to go to Switzerland? Why was Teddy calling the shots? I must have given him an incredible look of annoyance and desperation because he finally threw his hands up. “I’m sick of you people,” he said. “As soon as we get these passports, we’re going our separate ways. In fact, I may get my own room tonight.”
“We have to stick together, remember?” I reminded him.
Teddy glared at me. “Remind me why?” he snarled. Then he slammed the door.
I looked at Hiro and smiled. “He’ll be back,” I said. I lay down on the bed. Finally we were alone.
Heaven in that little voice she’s got, saying, “Oh, I don’t know what it is, I can’t explain it,” and then lover boy over there’s gazing at her as if she’s the first chick he’s ever laid eyes on in his life, and…ugh, it was nasty. A nasty car ride. She didn’t want to get married. She never did. It was all…I don’t know what it was. She was holding out for that dolt. That straight, square white boy of a Japanese kid if I ever saw one. What was with the little sniff when I mentioned drugs? Brother, I’m getting you this far into TJ, you better show me some respect! And what’s worse, I hate Mexico. The bugs, the cockroaches…. I guess I have two options once I get these passports for everyone. One: I go alone and try to forget the bitch, which means I lose any money I had comin’ to me. Or two: I try to get her back. Which would mean…what? Killing Hiro? Getting someone else to kill him? That bastard…He helped her fight off my dad’s peeps in that whole kidnapping fiasco. And he’s the one she’s interested in.
Maybe I could get someone to do it for me. Make it look like an accident or something. And shit, am I really going to have to go through this ridiculous “kidnapping” thing with Pablo? What is that gonna require? Will Pablo just give me my passport and then we’ll “pretend” that I’ve been kidnapped? Is my dad gonna buy that when secretly I’ll be living it up near Lake Geneva with all the Swiss misses or maybe in Amsterdam, where they’re never lacking for any kind of candy to amuse me for a night?
Dude, my father’s not going to go for this.
I walk into the hotel lobby where Pablo’s staying and glimpse myself in the dirty little mirror they’ve got behind the desk. I’m a billion times more fly than that Hiro jerk. He’s a skinny kid with chicken arms and legs. He could wear chicks’ clothes. And he always looks so damn serious. What the hell does she see in him? Is he loaded? I press the elevator button and ride up with this little honey in a short orange dress. She gives me the eyes, but I still feel miserable. This honey thinks I’m hot. Why doesn’t Heaven?
I knock on the door to Pablo’s. Why did he want me to meet him in a hotel room? Why not just a car? That
meant we had to get a hotel room in this rattrap instead of just waiting it out in a café or whatever. (What are Heaven and Hiro doing while I’m gone? Having sex? What?) It takes Pablo forever to open the door. But when he does…
When he does, there’s the barrel of a gun looking straight at me.
“Yo,” I say under my breath.
Pablo’s breath is putrid and his horrible rotting teeth spread into a smile. “Hola,” he snarls. “Have a nice trip?”
I quiver and try and take this all in stride—sometimes the boy does this, just to mess with you. “Not bad,” I say. “Considering.” I duck my head a little.
Big mistake.
Pablo somehow manages to spin me into the hall and presses the gun into my back. “Now, do me a big favor,” he says, pressing the gun into my spine even harder, “and take me to that little piece of Heaven you’ve got stashed in your room.”
Teddy
13
I waited until I heard the elevator ding on our floor. It slid closed. I peeked out the little hole in the door. Teddy was gone. I turned around. Hiro looked at me passionately. I started to shake—this was almost too much to handle.
Before I realized what was happening, Hiro ran up to me, grabbed my shoulders, and touched his lips to mine.
Wow.
I didn’t know whether I should keep my eyes open or closed. His touch was so soft—he moved his hands from my shoulders to my face. Then to my hair. I waved my hands around for a moment, unsure what to do, then secured them tightly behind his back. I pulled him closer.
I felt like Amaterasu Omikami, the goddess who shines in the heavens. I felt like I was shining sun down onto my mortal self, smiling, spreading great golden light down onto my shoulders. Hiro wasn’t clumsy when he kissed me, and he smelled wonderful—like this fantastic blend of apricots and spiciness—even though we’d been sitting in that rank car for hours. I was sure he could hear my heart pounding through my clothes. He held my face in his hands and gazed at me for a moment, out of breath.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I just had to do that.” He stood back. “God, I’m so sorry….”
“No!” I said. “I mean, don’t stop.”
He stood back again. “Heaven, this is so important. What I feel for you is so strong. I’ve felt it always. Ever since I met you. I think I had a dream before I met you, a kind of premonition that you were coming.” He smiled. “Look at me, I’m shaking. I’m so nervous to tell you all this….”
I held my breath. All the times I’d dreamed of Hiro—not before I met him, mind you—but all the times recently I’d dreamed of him. I’d thought this was one-sided! How in my wildest dreams was this becoming a reality?
“The last week has been so hard,” he sputtered. “Really, the last couple of weeks. When I realized, it wasn’t so long ago. But I was making something work that wasn’t working. I just felt that something was wrong. I’m sorry that I didn’t realize it sooner….”
I thought back to Hiro cuddling on the couch with Karen. Them kissing. Calling Hiro in the morning, Karen answering. What if this was as fleeting as that? What if Hiro changed his mind?
He waved his hand in the air, detecting something in my expression. “What I had with Karen was never meant to be. I sensed it from the beginning. But I thought, Maybe I’m wrong. I did care about her, and I thought over time it would become stronger. But now I know.” He smiled slightly. “Now I know that I must trust my instincts. My instincts were telling me that I should be with you.”
I sat down on the bed, overwhelmed. Hiro sat, too, and kissed me again. “I feel so strange telling you these things,” he said. “I’ve never just admitted any of it and laid myself out like this. I feel so vulnerable, especially since I don’t really know any of your feelings.”
“You shouldn’t worry,” I said. “Haven’t you noticed? I’ve had feelings for you since…since I don’t even know when. Maybe when we met. I don’t know. Soon after, anyway. When you got together with Karen, my heart was broken. I felt distanced. And when you told me…when I got on that bus to come to Vegas…it was like something died….”
Hiro looked a little stunned. “Are you serious?” he said.
“Yeah,” I answered.
We didn’t say anything for a few moments. We just stared at each other.
“I felt awful sending you to Vegas,” Hiro said quietly. “I was the one who let you go! I realized my feelings for sure when you got on that bus. I thought, What if I’ve made a huge mistake? What if she gets herself killed?”
I thought about the ninjas. It had been very close. I could have been killed.
And Teddy had saved me.
I brushed away my guilt about Teddy for the moment. “But I didn’t,” I said to Hiro. “I’m here.”
“Yes, you are,” Hiro said. He kissed me again. God, it was so wonderful. Kissing Hiro was better than any dream I’d had about kissing him.
We kissed for nearly twenty minutes more, fumbling around on the bed. Hiro took things slow. I obviously couldn’t think too much beyond that, sexually. Besides, kissing felt too wonderful at the time. Occasionally Hiro would move back for a moment and stare into my eyes. I had never imagined that I’d be this close to him and that he’d look at me this way. All of the tension between us that had even lingered slightly in the car had shattered. If only this moment could be extended forever. If only we didn’t have to worry about anything else.
And then, inexplicably, I started to cry.
Huge tears rolled down my cheeks. I couldn’t get any words out. I was choked. And mortified. I sat up, groping for a tissue. Hiro looked at me while I exploded into more sobs.
“What is it?” he asked. “Oh my God. Have I done something wrong?”
“No,” I answered, shaking my head. “You’ve done something right. Honestly.”
Hiro didn’t say anything.
I continued, dabbing my eyes with a tissue. But as soon as I started talking, I began to cry again. I was overcome with emotion. Sadness, even. “It’s just a release,” I explained. “At this moment I suddenly feel…complete. And safe. Completely safe.” I smiled, then sniffed. “Even though we’re in Mexico, running for our lives. As you very well know, and as I really don’t need to explain…I’ve felt so lost lately. I’ve had so many things taken from me.”
“Yes,” Hiro said, putting his hand over mine.
“My brother…,” I said, bursting into tears again. “He’s gone….”
“I know,” Hiro said, stroking my arm. “Come on.”
“And my father…,” I said. My lip trembled.
“You’ve dealt with a lot,” Hiro said.
“I just…I’ve felt like such a mess,” I said. “Nothing has been going right. I went from completely sheltered to…to being attacked, like, every day! And…and then it was like everyone I was around…was just…awful things were happening to all of them…and Cheryl, is she alive? Does anyone know?”
Hiro shook his head. “I haven’t heard anything,” he said. “But then, I’ve stayed away from there.”
I thought about Cheryl being consumed by the flames. She had helped me. A lump formed in my throat. “And…this is the only thing that’s actually felt good for me. This is the only thing that’s worked out in…forever. I was at the point where I just thought nothing would work for me ever again. And I was at the point where I thought I’d never see you ever again.”
My eyes welled up with tears all over again. Hiro held my hands. “I wouldn’t have let that happen,” he said.
“But you almost did!” I blurted. “You put me on a bus to Vegas! How could you just…leave me…if you had these feelings?”
Hiro hung his head. “I know,” he admitted. “I went too far. I realize that now…. It was completely idiotic that I let you go out to Vegas. I knew full well the yakuza connections there.” Now his face crumpled up as if he was about to cry. I put my hand on his arm.
“But that’s the amazing thing,” he said. “You are fine. Y
ou are a survivor. This is why I’m so crazy about you, Heaven. You’re so strong. You don’t even realize it, but…you’re so special.”
My insides shimmered. I wiped my eyes. I didn’t quite feel so emotional anymore. Or rather, I felt a good sort of emotion. I felt completely in love.
“I’m glad you rode up on that motorcycle when you did,” I said, laughing.
“So what about Teddy?” Hiro asked.
I related the story of finding Katie, hitting a dance club (omitting the drinking part of the evening, as well as the part with the boys), going to the bathroom, and running smack into Teddy. “It was bizarre,” I said. “I didn’t know if I should trust him or not, but then I thought, He helped us with the kidnapping….”
“I didn’t know you were going to be with Teddy when I came to Joshua Tree. I thought maybe you were with Katie.”
“You didn’t think I was with Teddy?” I said. “But I think I said that in the message!”
Hiro looked at me sadly. “I didn’t get the message,” he said. “And Karen didn’t explain that part.”
Oh. Right. Duh.
I continued to explain the Teddy story, getting to the part where I agreed to marry him. “I needed us to get out of there. I needed to move to somewhere where I could escape and actually get away. Get on a bus, a train, whatever. At Joshua Tree, there was nothing for miles. I couldn’t have run forever.” I looked down at my hands. “I feel a little bad that I agreed, in all truth. Teddy was so excited. And it wasn’t for the money. He was excited because I think he was actually…interested in me.”
“Well, that was pretty obvious from the way he behaved during the car ride. I felt a little strange barging in like that, but I couldn’t let you go a second time.”
“Believe me, you weren’t barging in,” I said, laughing.
“But why didn’t you wait for me?” Hiro asked.
“I didn’t know,” I said. “Remember? What did I know at that point? And you hadn’t gotten the message. I thought you were through with me….”
