The words shot from Alicia’s mouth with a crispness that belied their emotional intensity.
Julia found that her mouth had fallen open. ‘What!’
‘Yes, it’s true,’ Alicia replied in a clipped voice. ‘I’m adopted. Mum had cancer when she was in her twenties, long before the bout that killed her in her forties. They thought the radiation treatment would mean she couldn’t have babies. So they adopted me. So, Mum is not my mum, Dad is not my dad, and you, Julia,’ she said as she turned to stare at her with blank eyes, ‘are not my sister.’
‘No! I –’ Julia shook her head in despair, wondering when the shocks were going to stop coming. ‘Surely this can’t be true?’
‘It is. Dad showed me my original birth certificate. Apparently, my mother, who went by the name of Joy Reynolds, was a teenager from Aylsham who got herself into trouble. I was put up for adoption by her, and Mum and Dad – or should I say, George and Jasmine – took me when I was two weeks old.’
‘But –’
‘What about you?’ Alicia read her sister’s thoughts. ‘That’s what you want to ask, isn’t it? It’s okay, Julia, you’re definitely theirs. It’s only me who’s the cuckoo in the nest.’
‘But I don’t understand, Alicia. If Mum couldn’t have babies, how come I came along three years later?’
‘Apparently it’s common for women who are childless and adopt a baby to suddenly find themselves pregnant. Something to do with the hormones the maternal instinct brings out in them,’ explained Alicia. ‘Max looked it up on the Internet for me last night and there are hundreds of similar stories. So, don’t worry, Julia, you really are of their blood. Sorry if that sounds bitter.’ Alicia reached out her hand and put it on Julia’s arm. ‘I don’t mean to be. It’s just that what I thought was, isn’t any more. I don’t know … who I am.’
‘No,’ agreed Julia with feeling, ‘it must be dreadful for you. I’m so very, very sorry, Alicia. And, to be honest, I can’t really understand why Dad has chosen to tell you after all this time. I mean, surely they should have done this years ago?’
‘I know,’ nodded Alicia, ‘I don’t think he was ever going to tell me. But he said he had to because of something Elsie told him.’
A glimmer of understanding dawned in Julia. This was why Elsie had insisted Julia shouldn’t share the story of her original Crawford genes with Alicia. Because, of course, it wasn’t Alicia’s heritage.
‘Anyway,’ Alicia continued, ‘it hardly matters why – he did. And it’s completely and utterly shattered me.’ Alicia rested her head on her arms and wept. ‘I feel completely lost.’
It was so uncharacteristic of Alicia to appear vulnerable and devastated that Julia struggled to find the words to comfort her.
‘I can understand the shock you must feel …’
Alicia put her head up and looked at Julia. ‘Can you really?’ She shook her head. ‘No, Julia, I don’t think so. My family means just about everything to me. It’s always come first, always. Remember when Mum died? I tried so hard to look after you and Dad. Even though I was heartbroken too, someone had to take Mum’s place and keep the show on the road. I learnt to cope. And you know what?’ Alicia’s eyes blazed. ‘I’ve been coping ever since!’
‘I’m sorry, Alicia, I really am. I didn’t realise.’
‘No, of course you didn’t,’ Alicia acknowledged. ‘You and Dad were both lost in your own worlds, then and now. The problem was, you two, my family, were my world. I wanted to be there for you both, it was all I had. Dad floated off collecting his plants, then you left for music college, relieved to get away from me –’
‘That’s not true, Alicia.’
‘Come on, Julia, be honest.’ Alicia’s voice had a harsh, ugly timbre to it. ‘You resented me when I was doing my best to look after you. And I think you still resent me now. Me, with my “perfect” life, always so capable … you’ve felt patronised. I don’t blame you.’ She shook her head. ‘It was my choice to take on the role. It helped me survive, bury my own pain. And I’ve been living it ever since. Always being there for everyone – you, Dad, Max, the kids – and now …’ Alicia was choked with emotion, ‘I find out it was all a bloody lie! You and Mum and Dad aren’t even my real family!’
Julia stood silently, cowed by the force of Alicia’s anger and pain. And, far worse, knowing that a lot of what Alicia said was true.
‘It wasn’t a lie, Alicia,’ she said finally. ‘We loved each other – do love each other – whatever our true blood may be.’
Alicia rested her head on the rail for a while then sighed. ‘Forgive me, Julia. I’ve lost the plot, I’m afraid. What a therapist would call my “coping strategies” seem to have deserted me. I feel like my life has come tumbling down about my ears. Nothing makes sense any more. Everything feels … pointless.’
Julia tentatively touched her sister’s shoulder. ‘It’s the shock, I promise. It does get better.’
‘I can’t believe Mum didn’t give birth to me,’ she whispered, ‘just some complete stranger.’
‘But then, it was the same for Mum …’
It was out of her mouth before Julia could stop herself.
Alicia looked up at Julia, her pale face streaked with tears. ‘What? You’re telling me Mum was adopted too?’
Julia nodded. ‘Yes. That’s what Elsie had to tell me. And almost certainly what she told Dad, too.’
‘My God,’ breathed Alicia. ‘Did Mum know she was adopted?’
‘No, she didn’t. Elsie said that, as far as she was concerned, Jasmine was her child and that was the end of it. And I suppose,’ Julia added softly, ‘when it comes down to it, that’s all that really matters, isn’t it?’
Alicia didn’t reply. Julia pulled back the blonde hair from her sister’s tear-stained face. ‘I can really understand how thinking you were one thing, and then discovering you’re another, can affect you. But it doesn’t change anything that really matters. The only difference between Mum and you is that she didn’t know, and now you do.’
Alicia, calmer now, looked out across the sea and sighed. ‘Knowing about Mum helps me, somehow. I think I’ve just got to get used to it emotionally.’
‘Yes,’ Julia agreed, ‘you have. And I don’t want to sound patronising, but I’ve had my fair share of shocks in the past year, so I know you just have to give it time.’
‘Yes.’ Alicia stared out across the bay. ‘I told you once that I was worried about how I’d cope with a real problem, like you’ve had to – and look at me!’ She smiled sadly. ‘I’m a wreck!’
‘You’re only human, Alicia,’ Julia said, realising guiltily she had misjudged her sister. ‘Don’t be too hard on yourself.’
‘No. That’s what Max said.’ She turned to Julia and smiled. ‘He’s been wonderful, so supportive and understanding.’
‘He’s a lovely man, Alicia. And he worships you.’
‘The problem is, I’m so used to being strong, and just now – I’m not. It must be a shock for him, after all these years, to see me so frail.’
‘Perhaps he’s enjoying the opportunity to take care of you for a change,’ Julia ventured.
‘Perhaps …’ Alicia reached out her arms to her sister. ‘I need a hug.’
Julia held her tightly.
‘Sorry about the things I said just now. I didn’t mean them.’ Alicia’s voice was muffled in her shoulder.
‘And I’m sorry I never saw how much you were hurting over Mum too. I behaved like a selfish brat when you were only trying to help. Really, you’ve been wonderful to me, especially recently. I don’t know how I’d have coped without you.’ Julia found she meant every word.
‘Well, little sis,’ Alicia broke from the hug, ‘I need you now. Okay?’
‘Okay.’
That evening, Alicia joined Julia and Xavier for supper on the terrace. She had taken a nap when they arrived and seemed calmer, though she still looked pale. Xavier was on his best behaviour and, with Alicia’s presence neutral
izing any tension between him and Julia, they managed a pleasant evening. At midnight, Alicia yawned, and excused herself.
‘Sorry, chaps, I’ve not been sleeping well and I’ve now had too much wine on a stomach that’s been empty for the past few days. Night, and thank you so much for having me.’ She squeezed Julia’s hand. ‘I’m so glad I came.’
Xavier retired soon afterwards, leaving Julia to switch off the lights and lock the doors. It was so different to the routine she’d had with Kit, where they always shared the tasks. As she went round the house, she thought about Alicia and how she’d never taken the time to see her vulnerability beneath the surface. How, when their mother died, Alicia had constructed her life to protect herself from pain. And now the walls had come tumbling down.
Kit had mentioned it once – he had seen who Alicia really was and understood. As Julia climbed the stairs, she wished she’d had his insight. At least now she had a chance to repay Alicia for everything she had tried to do and the care she had shown. She felt a sudden warm rush of affection and love for her sister as she went into her bedroom.
Xavier had obviously concluded, after the previous night’s lovemaking, that he was back to being a fully entitled husband, and was spread out on the bed.
‘Your sister seemed …’ Xavier searched for the words, ‘more human, tonight. Although I couldn’t wait for dinner to be over so I could have you to myself again, mon amour.’ He indicated the protrusion in his boxer shorts.
When Julia sat on the bed to remove her clothes, he pulled her to him and forced her head downward.
‘No, Xavier!’ She wriggled out of his grasp then shook her head. ‘Not tonight. I am tired.’
‘But, Julia, you know how much I like it, and how soft your mouth is. It turns me on so much,’ he persuaded.
Julia ignored him, stood up and went into the bathroom.
The following day, Xavier was out unusually early for yet another interview, so Julia and Alicia enjoyed a late breakfast together. Then Julia suggested they make their way down to the quieter end of Pampelonne beach in St Tropez.
‘How completely decadent,’ said Alicia, as they settled on comfortable loungers provided by the beach bar. ‘I suppose, if one has to find out one is adopted, it’s some compensation escaping to a sister who happens to live in the South of France. Being here with you has really helped. And you’re right; finding out I’m adopted probably doesn’t make that much difference.’
‘No, Alicia, I really don’t think it does,’ answered Julia, enjoying the sun on her face. ‘And I’m so sorry I’ve been resentful of you, when you were only trying to help me. I always felt you got everything right when I got it wrong.’
‘I wish!’ groaned Alicia. ‘I’ve spent the past twenty years being so busy avoiding how I really feel, I don’t know now who I am.’
‘Well, maybe it’ll be fun finding out,’ Julia suggested, ‘and perhaps, for a while, you should concentrate on putting you first, not everybody else.’
‘The problem is, I have to be needed,’ Alicia admitted. ‘If I let that go, what do I have left?’
‘Well, those that love you, love you for who you are, not what you do for them.’
‘Really? You mean, if I stopped ironing Max’s shirts and forgot to make the children’s supper, they’d still like me?’
Julia read the twinkle in Alicia’s eye. ‘You know they would. And, sorry to be blunt, but perhaps you’d get more respect from them if you didn’t pander to their every whim. And that includes me,’ Julia added. ‘You never know, we might even start pandering to you.’
‘Wow! What a thought,’ Alicia giggled. ‘Anyway, I’ve only got myself to blame. I’ve always projected this capable image and, of course, I am, Julia. It’s my strength. Most of the time anyway,’ she added.
‘Yes, but you’re also allowed to be vulnerable and needy sometimes too, like the rest of us human beings. And you shouldn’t be afraid of showing it.’
‘No.’ Alicia nodded. ‘You’re right. And the way that Max has been since this happened … You know, I used to think I married him just because he was “there”. I thought that maybe,’ she bit her lip, ‘I just needed “somebody” after you left and Dad was hardly at home. But this has really shown me what a good man he is. And how lucky I am to have him.’
‘There’s always a silver lining,’ said Julia. ‘And at least this has shown you that Max is far more capable than you’ve given him credit for in the past. I doubt any of the kids are currently wasting away under his care, are they?’
‘No. They’re not,’ Alicia agreed. ‘And just now, lying here in the sun, without anyone asking anything of me, I feel … wonderful!’
‘Good. Then you should do it more often.’
‘You know what?’ Alicia lay back on her lounger and closed her eyes. ‘I bloody well will!’
Later, over a lunch of fresh mozzarella and tomato, accompanied by a pichet of local rosé, Julia told Alicia what she had learnt about her own origins. As they drank café au lait, an intrigued Alicia mulled over the details of the story.
‘So, our mother was a Crawford?’
‘Yes. The illegitimate daughter of Lord Harry.’ Julia sighed. ‘Isn’t it ironic? She grew up right under her father’s nose, and yet she never knew.’
‘No wonder Dad felt he had to tell me. Otherwise I’d have thought I had Crawford blood running through my veins too. I might have started putting on airs and graces, worn a tiara to breakfast, et al.’ Alicia grinned. ‘What’s interesting is that surely your claim to Wharton Park is closer than Kit’s? I mean, you’re Harry’s direct bloodline, whereas Kit’s just some kind of cousin. If Mum had still been alive, wouldn’t the estate have come to her?’
‘Alicia,’ cautioned Julia, ‘Mum was born on the wrong side of the blankets, as Elsie so sweetly put it.’
‘It doesn’t matter any more. With DNA testing, it can be proved. I read of a case recently in The Times.’
‘You’re probably right but, as you know, it’s the closest male heir who inherits the title. Still, yes, I’m sure that if it had been known at the time, Mum would have been in line to inherit something.’
Alicia looked at Julia. ‘Well then, the question is, now I’m out of the equation, are you entitled to a share of the estate?’
‘Perhaps,’ said Julia, taking a sip of coffee. ‘But it’s not something I’ve had the time or inclination to investigate. And I certainly don’t need the money.’
‘No. You and Kit are, what … ?’ She scratched her nose as she thought about it. ‘Third cousins?’
Julia’s face darkened. ‘Something like that, yes,’ she agreed. ‘But it’s hardly relevant now, is it?’
‘Isn’t it?’ Alicia probed.
‘Why should it be?’ Julia answered abruptly.
‘Well,’ Alicia trod carefully, ‘little more than a few days ago, you and Kit were together, for want of a better phrase. You looked very happy and –’
‘Alicia, if you don’t mind, I’d prefer not to talk about it.’ Julia stopped the thread of the conversation in its tracks. ‘Xavier has come back so I’m still a married woman. Whatever Kit and I were, is now irrelevant.’
‘Have you spoken to Kit?’
‘As I said, I’d prefer not to talk about it, okay?’
Alicia took the hint and the subject was closed.
56
The following afternoon, Julia drove Alicia to the airport.
‘It’s been wonderful,’ said Alicia warmly as they stood by the departure gate. ‘Just what I needed. I must admit,’ she wrinkled her newly freckled nose, ‘I don’t want to go home.’
‘Well, come back any time. With or without the family,’ Julia added. ‘And remember, just occasionally, it’s okay to think about just you.’
‘I will.’ Alicia nodded. ‘Thanks, Julia. I’ve learnt a lot.’
‘Have you?’
‘Yes.’ Alicia was on the verge of tears. She pulled Julia close and embraced her. ‘It’s
a new beginning for me, isn’t it? For us too?’
‘Yes, it is,’ Julia smiled. ‘Take care, Alicia.’
‘And you.’
Julia drove home slowly, thinking about Alicia and how she hoped the sudden new understanding and equality in their relationship would continue. And how much she had longed to board that plane to England with her.
She, too, didn’t want to return home. Even though she accepted Xavier was doing his best, and she must continue to give their relationship time, there was a tension, a discomfort and an irritation with him which she couldn’t control.
And worst of all, where once she had felt so much love for him, there was nothing.
Julia parked the car and walked towards the house, taking a deep breath and telling herself that tonight she would do whatever it took to try and make it better. What choice did she have?
She opened the front door to a delicious aroma of fresh meat, fried butter and herbs. Xavier was in the kitchen, standing over the stove, turning two steaks around the pan.
‘Voilà! You are home. I decide tonight I cook you supper, and dismiss Agnes. Go on to the terrace and sit down, chérie, and I will be out with our drinks.’
Surprised and bewildered, Julia did so. She had never seen Xavier cook in their entire married life. He came out with a bottle of champagne and poured it into glasses.
‘To us,’ he said.
‘Yes, to us,’ she toasted back, and they drank.
He came to sit next to her, and took her hand and kissed it. ‘I could not wait for your sister to go, so that we could be alone. I want to tell you I understand how hard it is for you to accept that I am back and forgive me for my part in Gabriel’s death. But I swear, if you trust me, I can make it up to you. Do you believe me?’
‘I believe it’s what you want, Xavier.’ Julia felt guilty that nothing he could do or say would remove the numbness inside her. But she had to keep trying. There was simply no alternative.
‘There’s somewhere I want to take you.’
‘Anywhere, chérie, you know that,’ he answered eagerly.
‘I want you to come to the place where Gabriel died. Only the day before you reappeared, I planted two cypress trees: one for him and one for you. I’d like you to come with me to see them.’
Hothouse Flower Page 46
