by Clare Flynn
‘It wasn’t a relationship. She was my housekeeper. And we hadn’t been making love.’
‘Shut up, Doug. I don’t want to hear any more. You disgust me.’
‘But that’s it. It was just sex. It didn’t mean anything. And when you walked in I’d already told her it was over. It was only a massage. It didn’t mean a thing. None of it meant anything.’
Evie snorted in derision, got up from the table and was about to move towards the door.
He leaned across and gripped her arm, holding her back. ‘Please hear me out, Evie. I beg you.’
She shook her arm free of his hold. ‘I don’t understand you at all. I feel polluted just listening to this.’
‘It started after Felicity and I parted.’
For a moment Evie thought she’d misheard. ‘Parted?’
‘My marriage to Felicity was the biggest mistake of my life.’ He shook his head rapidly and added, ‘No the second biggest. The biggest was what has just happened.’
His words shocked Evie. ‘Go on,’ she said, curious to hear about Felicity – even though she knew it would make no difference to the final outcome.
‘I was besotted with Felicity. She was the most beautiful creature I’d ever seen and I believed I was in love with her. But once we were married I soon discovered she was mean-spirited, always finding fault in everything and everyone. Joyless. From the early days of our marriage she denied me her bed whenever she could. It felt like a miracle to me when we found out she was expecting Jasmine. I’d hoped that Penang would have been a new start for us but it was Felicity’s idea of hell. She hated the place and hated being pregnant. The birth was difficult and she showed no affection towards the baby and wanted little or nothing do with her. She made no secret of her contempt for me.’
‘Yet you loved her.’
‘I loathed her.’ He looked at Evie and she knew he was telling the truth.
‘Why do you keep a shrine to her upstairs?’ She jerked her head upwards to the ceiling. ‘In your bedroom.’
‘That’s not my bedroom. I never go near it. When I’m in this house and haven’t spent the night with you, I sleep in the small room next door.’
‘But all her clothes are still in the main bedroom. All her personal things. Jewellery. Everything.’
‘Are they? You can get rid of them. I told Aunty Mimi to do that after Felicity died. I don’t know why she didn’t.’
Evie was stunned. Things were turning out to be the opposite of what they had seemed.
‘When I bought Batu Lembah I hoped things might change. Felicity didn’t like Bella Vista. But from the moment we crossed the threshold of Batu Lembah she made it clear that she didn’t want to be there. It used to look better in those days. More furniture, pictures, home comforts. But she never liked it. She was angry all the time. One evening I came home to the bungalow to be greeted by screaming from Jasmine. My wife was beating her with the handle of her hairbrush. Jasmine was only three. That’s when I sent Jasmine to the convent. For her own protection. I took on the house in George Town and Felicity moved back there. I’d come into town just for meetings, tennis, functions at the club and so on, just to keep up the facade that our marriage was functioning.’
He stopped and ran his hands through his hair. His expression was grim. He was evidently finding telling her all this painful.
Breathing out loudly, he said, ‘Felicity couldn’t bear the physical side of marriage. After Jasmine was born she wouldn’t even entertain the idea of letting me near her at all.’ He put his head in his hands. Looking up at her, a picture of misery, he said, ‘I’m only human. A man has needs. I’m not proud of what I did, but that’s how it started with Nayla.’
‘Don’t say her name. I don’t want to know. And that might be how it started but it doesn’t explain why it went on. It doesn’t explain why you married me and kept on having relations with her. Kept on living with her as man and wife.’
He winced. ‘It was never as man and wife. I told you it was only sex. I feel nothing for her. I never have. She was obliging, undemanding, uncomplicated–’
’Stop. I don’t want to listen to her many virtues.’
Douglas sighed. ‘I’m trying to explain, Evie. After Felicity, who shuddered every time I came near her, Nayla… I mean the Malayan woman… was easy and relaxed. It meant as little to her as it did to me. Just physical pleasure.’ He looked away. ‘God, Evie, it’s bloody hard telling you all this.’
‘Swearing won’t make it any easier And if it’s hard telling it, I can promise you it’s much harder having to listen to it.’
‘I’m sorry. Anyway, after Felicity died, I knew I needed a wife. One I could be seen with in company. A mother for my children. I thought marrying you was an arrangement that would suit us both – and I was very straight with you from the start. You have to give me that much.’
‘Oh yes. You were certainly straight. Brutally so.’
He looked ashamed. ‘But gradually I realised I was beginning to feel for you. I didn’t know how to deal with that. I hadn’t expected it. I was afraid. Scared of my own emotions. I didn’t know what to do.’
‘You didn’t know what to do? How about telling me? How about showing me?’
Doug’s voice was choked. ‘I nearly did. I tried. That night you told me about the baby. I didn’t know how to tell you I cared for you. The only other person I’ve loved was my mother. After she died, my feelings died with her. I don’t know why I couldn’t say those words to you.’ He stopped, looking at her hands. ‘You aren’t wearing the ring I gave you.’
‘I have no intention of wearing it again. Give it to your whore.’
‘Oh God, Evie. Please, don’t. I do care for you. Please believe that. Even if it’s too late. But please don’t say it’s too late.’ He gave a strangled sob.
‘You’re only saying all this because of the baby.’ She stared at him, waiting for his reaction to what she was about to tell him. ‘Well, you may not have to worry about that much longer as there’s a chance I might be losing it.’
His face crumpled, then he jumped up and moved across to her and pulled her into his arms, holding her against him. Evie was too stunned to speak.
‘What makes you think you’re losing it? What’s happened? Are you all right? You don’t look well. It’s all my fault. I’ve done this to you. I’ve hurt you. Is that why you think you might be losing our baby?’
‘I’ve lost some blood. It’s a possibility.’
Douglas eased her away from him slightly so he could look into her eyes. ‘The thing I care about most is you. I don’t want anything to happen to you. I couldn’t live with myself.’ He drew her tight against his chest again, cradling her head in his hand. ‘I won’t be able to live with myself anyway if you can’t forgive me. If you won’t give me another chance.’
Evie jerked away from him. ‘I’m going upstairs to lie down. The doctor says I need bed rest. Leave me alone, please.’
‘Will you think about it, Evie? Please. Will you give me a second chance? I promise you that woman has gone forever. I’ve hired a houseboy. He’s the cook’s younger brother. It’s an all-male household now.’
Evie shook her head. ‘I don’t know, Doug. I just don’t know anything anymore.’
20
She hadn’t lost the baby. There was no repetition of the blood loss, the doctor made encouraging noises and Evie began to breathe again. She also started eating again – determined not to do anything else to put her unborn child at risk.
Three days after Douglas had come to see her, she summoned Aunty Mimi to the drawing room and gave her instructions to clear Felicity’s things out of her former bedroom.
‘I don’t care what you do with them. Burn them if you like. Give them away. Sell them. But I don’t want them in this house any more.’
Aunty Mimi’s face contorted into a look of defiance. She started to speak but Evie lifted her hand for her to stop.
‘The tuan has told me he had in
structed you to clear out that bedroom, yet you didn’t, so you’d better do it right away. And I don’t want to hear any argument.’
‘But Missy Leighton say no touch any-sing. It Mem’s, not yours, Missy Leighton say.’
‘Do you work for Mrs Leighton? Does Mrs Leighton pay your wages?’
The old woman shook her head.
‘Then you will do as Mr Barrington and I tell you. I am the mem in this house now.’
Aunty Mimi was affronted, and said, ‘Missy Leighton say you no stay Penang. You go home England soon.’
‘Aunty Mimi, I am going to tell you this now and I don’t want to hear any more from you.’ Pointing towards the bottom of the garden where the servants lived in a series of rooms in a single-storey structure, Evie said, ‘If you prefer to take your orders from Mrs Leighton you had better go out to your room, pack your bags and ask Mrs Leighton to give you a job, as you will no longer have one here.’ Evie grew taller as she spoke, taking confidence from the sound of her own voice. ‘I have absolutely no intention of going back to England. You need to empty the contents of that bedroom immediately as I will be using it. I want you to move my clothing in there as soon the items in the wardrobes and dressing table have been cleared out. Everything! The small bedroom which is Mr Barrington’s room will eventually be the baby’s bedroom.’ She paused for breath. ‘Is that absolutely clear? You can put anything belonging to Mr Barrington in the room I have been using.’
‘Yes, Mem.’ There was the ghost of a smile playing across the Chinese woman’s face. ‘Velly good.’
As Aunty Mimi left, Evie exhaled slowly, relief flooding through her. She’d had enough of creeping around, afraid of her own shadow. Things were going to be different from now on. Doug’s words had taken her by surprise. She wasn’t ready to forgive him. Not yet. But there was a possibility that eventually she might.
In the meantime, she would be making the rules. The first one was that he return to George Town every single weekend. She intended him to sleep apart from her. It was too soon to contemplate taking him back into her bed. He had first to prove that he was ready to play the part of father to Jasmine, if he was to be permitted to do the same for their child. If he wanted a family, he could damn well act like a husband and father. If he wanted her to believe that he cared about her, he had to show it.
Evie decided to absent herself while Aunty Mimi, aided by The Boy, set about the task of moving the contents of the bedrooms. Telling Benny she would be back in time to accompany him to collect Jasmine from school, Evie set off from the house on foot.
She had always enjoyed her solitary rambles around George Town, loving the hubbub, the mixture of people, the buzz of commerce. After so long resting in bed, confined to the house, it was a relief to be outside. Early that morning it had rained heavily, and the air was clearer, with a light sea breeze tempering the growing heat of the day.
After strolling past the bastion of Fort Cornwallis with its thick brick walls, Evie turned off and plunged into the nearby streets. Eventually finding herself in a square with a collection of stalls and kiosks, her nose and throat were assaulted by an overpowering, sweet smell of incense. Across the square was a small temple, with the characteristic Chinese swooping curved roof, adorned along the ridge with dragon statues. There were shrines and stone statues outside, where people gathered to thrust bunches of smouldering joss sticks into jars filled with sand, before bending or squatting in prayer and devotion. Looking around, she could see no other Europeans, but no one seemed bothered by her presence so she walked freely around the space. There was a covered well, where people were collecting water, and piles of stacked wooden cages each containing a small bird. The square was a peculiar mixture of sincere devotion and casual commerce.
Hesitantly, Evie went up to the entrance of the temple building and was glad to find it quiet and almost empty inside, although the scent of the burning incense was more intense than in the square.
The light was dim, provided only by the faint glow of candles and the daylight from the narrow open doorway she had entered through. She squinted to see. In front of her was a small gold-painted shrine. Evie moved towards it and stood for a while in silence, drinking in the calm and quiet of the place after the chaotic scene outside. Her eyes adjusted to the gloom and she saw the shrine was crowded with a collection of painted figures, the male ones dressed like emperors in ornate robes with long drooping moustaches, one or two goddesses, other figures resembling evil-looking ogres, and among them gold-painted animals such as horned deer or sea creatures. Oranges and other fruits were stacked in neat piles with what she assumed to be votive messages written in Chinese on little cards. The smell of the burning joss sticks was intensified by the perfume from flowers, stacked around the shrine in tall vases. Curved metal lanterns and red streamers hung from the ceiling.
Evie was transfixed by the scene and felt a strange calm enveloping her after all the trauma, fear and bitterness of the past days. Without thinking why, she stood with her head bowed and closed her eyes.
She took stock of her situation, letting her mind run free. She realised that she had only ever seen Douglas with her eyes and not with her mind or her heart. Never managing to get past his dark good looks, hers had been a shallow love – no love at all – based on aesthetic appreciation not true feelings. How could she love someone she couldn’t communicate with? They shared no interests. Had nothing in common. She and Douglas spoke different languages and inhabited different worlds. Perhaps what had happened was a rude awakening, a message that she should give up trying to make their marriage work.
Her feelings were entirely different with Arthur. She was certain that in him she had found – but could never have – her soulmate. No, she mustn’t think about Arthur.
When Evie opened her eyes again there was a diminutive man in grey robes standing in front of her. A monk or priest, she assumed. Mumbling her apologies for intruding in this place of devotion, she was about to leave but he called out to her. His voice was soothing, gentle. He spoke to her in English.
‘No need run away, daughter. Temple of Harmony welcome everyone who show respect. As you have done.’
‘Thank you. I only stepped inside for a few moments but I’m glad I did. It’s so peaceful and calm here. Being here has already made me feel much better.’
He nodded his head slowly. ‘You feel better? Why you feel bad before?’
She looked at his face and saw only kindness in his eyes. But before she could answer, he asked, ‘You want drink some tea?’
Evie nodded.
He led her to a doorway at the side of the shrine. ‘In here quiet place.’
Never thinking to question why she should follow this stranger, she went with him into an ante-room, presumably leading to the monks’ quarters.
They sat on cushions on the floor and the monk poured her tea in a fine bone china cup, delicately patterned with entwined leaves. Evie sipped the hot liquid and felt her new sense of calm grow. Without knowing how or why, she found herself telling the stranger about her fears for her marriage and for her baby.
He looked at her over the top of his cup. ‘Baby is good. Baby safe. Baby inside you, so you must be kind to self. You must first love self to love baby.’
‘Myself? You think I need to be kind to myself?’ She looked at him in surprise. ‘What a funny thing to say.’
‘Not funny. Everything begin with self. Only when you love self can you make room in heart for love this baby and for love husband. You first be kind to self. Not angry.’
‘And you think I’m not kind to myself? You think I’m angry?’
‘Are you? You tell me, daughter.’
Evie thought for a moment. It was such an odd thing to say. The very idea of loving herself seemed peculiar. Vain. Unworthy. ‘In my religion we are taught to love God and love others. Not ourselves.’
He shook his head. ‘Only when love self can find space to love gods and love others. When we love self we can begin to m
ake space in soul to show mercy and kindness to others without judge them.’
‘But my husband has betrayed me with another woman. You think I must forgive him? I mustn’t judge him?’
‘You not listen. First you must forgive self. Be kind to self.’
Evie remembered the brief conversation she had had months ago with Douglas when he had told her she was too hard on herself. Perhaps there was something in what this man was telling her now.
‘Only when love self can spirit make space for other soul,’ he repeated. ‘Space for husband soul to lie in your heart. When you do not love self you cannot love other.’
‘Gosh.’
‘Compassion come first. Love self. Then show mercy to other. Forgive. But must forgive self first before can forgive other. This is nature. This is how we live in nature at peace with all gods and all world.’
Evie put down her cup. It was such a lot to take in – and yet if she had understood correctly, so simple. ‘You have certainly given me much to think about.’
‘For husband and wife to live well together they must be Yin and Yang. Must accept and understand differences. Must live and let live.’ He got to his feet, bent forward in a bow to her. ‘Time you go. Remember, to make space in spirit for other soul must start with self.’
‘May I come again? I’d like to understand more.’
‘I am always here. But if you listen well, you no need. Listen to heart. Gods are everywhere and will speak to you.’
Outside, Evie blinked in the brightness of the day after the dark interior of the temple. She glanced at her watch and saw it was almost time for Benny to leave for the school, so she hurried all the way back to the house.
Her unexpected meeting with the Taoist monk had raised her spirits. His reassurance about her baby’s safety had oddly made a greater impression on her than had the doctor’s. He had sounded so sure, so certain. And his strange pronouncements about self-love made sense the more she thought about them. Meeting him had come at exactly the right moment and his words repeated themselves in her head as she walked along. Maybe she did need to forgive herself – for doubting herself, for belittling herself. For believing herself unworthy of being loved. She remembered the way Douglas had accused her of running herself down and making herself smaller. Yet perhaps today, in standing up for herself with Aunty Mimi, she was already beginning to learn that lesson. The words of the monk had both excited her and yet also made her rather afraid.
