17
Falling . . .
The following week with Connor was the sweetest. When I went up to meet him in Highgate as we’d planned at my house, we walked Raffy in the woods nearby and Connor kissed me again. It felt every bit as delicious and toe-curling as it had in our kitchen. He could make me melt by just looking into my eyes and holding my gaze. I loved hanging out with him, listening to him talk about his life and his uni course. I loved his slow smile and how he laughed often, a laugh that came right from his belly. I did feel a twinge of guilt in the beginning – it seemed so soon after JJ to be falling for another boy – but I reminded myself that JJ was on the other side of the world and had said he didn’t want to hold me back.
Being with Connor felt like the perfect antidote to all the sadness about losing JJ and the anxiety Keira had caused with her nastiness over the summer. When I was with Connor, none of it seemed to matter and so I pushed my inner critic to the back of my mind and let myself surrender to what was happening between us.
Over the next weeks, we saw each other just about every day and I couldn’t help but enjoy having a normal relationship, doing the sort of things most teenagers do – a walk in the park, sitting outside a café watching the world go by, going to see a movie then getting a pizza, holding hands and kissing as the sun went down over the Heath. Ordinary stuff that I hadn’t always been able to do with JJ, but it never felt boring because I was with Connor and each day we spent together got better and better.
Dad would approve, I thought. Me not hankering after the five-star world of Porchester Park. Though sometimes I felt that Dad didn’t totally get me. I reckoned I was always more realistic about hanging out with the Lewises than he gave me credit for. Of course I’d enjoyed the glimpse I’d had of their world – what normal teenage girl wouldn’t – but it wasn’t only the designer lifestyle I’d enjoyed. I’d genuinely liked Alisha and JJ and our friendship would have been the same, dosh or no dosh. Plus it had made me realise that you pay a price if you have a rich and famous parent. Although JJ’s world was luxurious and A-list all the way, at times it had felt pressurised and claustrophobic; there was always a minder a short distance away when JJ or Alisha went out anywhere, and JJ and I had needed to sneak away if we wanted any time alone. I knew JJ longed for freedom. His dream afternoon would be to walk around London with a mate or by himself and not have to answer to anyone. Connor and I had so much more independence. OK, I had to tell Dad where I was going, but he was cool with it. He’d met Connor and liked him, though I hadn’t told him that we were becoming more than workmates.
JJ and I still Skyped and texted regularly but I felt that there was more than just the distance of miles between us as I got increasingly involved with Connor. Despite promising to myself that I’d tell JJ what was going on, each call ended and I hadn’t even broached the subject.
Still early days, I told myself, and for all I know, JJ’s starting seeing a girl over in the States. Plus, I kept reminding myself, it was him that suggested that we should both be free to date other people. Later, I always told myself, I’ll tell him later. When his grandfather’s better.
‘Seems you’re officially an item,’ said Flo as she sprawled back on one of the beanbags on the floor in the chill-out shed at the bottom of our garden.
Meg and Flo were back from their holidays and had come over to my house after we’d got our GCSE results. We were over the moon because all of us had done better than we’d thought we would. I’d got six A stars, one A and one B. Pia had got four A stars, three A’s and two B’s and Meg and Flo’s results weren’t far behind us. Connor had popped in to say congratulations and meet the girls but he didn’t hang around as I think he knew it was girl time and we all had a lot of catching up to do as well as celebrate our good news.
After he’d left, I’d asked Meg and Flo what they thought. I searched their faces to see if they disapproved. ‘I know it seems a bit fast after JJ . . .’ I started.
Meg flicked her hand as if dismissing what I was saying. ‘You do seem well-suited. I just want to see you happy and I’m sure so would JJ.’
‘And you do really like him, don’t you?’ Flo asked. ‘I mean . . . he’s not, like, second best for you or anything?’
‘I’ve asked myself that,’ I said. ‘But JJ’s not here, is he?’
‘You don’t have to marry Connor,’ said Pia. ‘Just go with the flow and enjoy it for what it is instead of analysing or comparing.’
‘That’s exactly what I’m trying to do,’ I said.
‘So how was working with Stephanie Harper?’ Flo asked.
‘Hard work, inspiring to spend time with someone like her but not as glamorous as I’d imagined in the beginning,’ I replied.
‘You’re kidding,’ said Meg. ‘You drove around in a limo!’
‘I know but there were a lot of early mornings, running for trains but . . . No, you’re right, it was fab. I loved it.’
‘And soon it will be back to reality big time with a new term starting. Everyone ready?’ asked Pia.
We all groaned in unison, but actually I was feeling good about things. Connor wasn’t going to the other side of the world any time soon and the fact that our backgrounds were somehow similar made it all the more comfortable. I’d finally had space to enjoy some proper lie-ins and time to hang out with mates or Connor and I’d relished every second. It seemed natural to behave like a couple with Connor. He’d held my hand wherever we went, texted me when we weren’t together, and when we were together, there was a lovely light feeling of walking on air. And it wasn’t just the great snog sessions we had, Connor was really easy to talk to and found myself opening up to him in the same way I’d been able to with JJ.
The evening after Connor had met the girls, I went up to Highgate to see him. As we sat out in his back garden, I opened up to him even more, telling him about my mum, her illness and then later, her death and funeral. Connor was so kind and sympathetic, I couldn’t hold back the tears and he held me in his arms until they subsided. I thought about my mum every single day and still found myself wanting to tell her things or ask her opinion, only to realise that she’d gone and could no longer be reached. In turn, Connor told me about losing his elder brother in a car accident when he was seven. His brother was nine. His face flushed red with anger and grief as he told me his story and this time, I held him. I felt so close to him, like I could tell him anything and he would be there for me. I decided it was time to tell him about JJ so there were no secrets between us.
He listened without interrupting but took my hand and held it as I told him what had happened. ‘You really liked this guy, huh?’ he asked when I’d finished.
I nodded. ‘Sometimes it just doesn’t work out. Bad timing, whatever, sometimes life conspires to keep you apart.’
He looked wistful for a moment and I wondered if that was because he was sad for me or himself, so I asked him about Naomi.
He shrugged. ‘I felt pretty cut up about the break-up at the time. I thought we had something really special but . . . you have to move on, don’t you?’ He didn’t seem to want to say too much so I decided not to push it. He smiled. ‘And we have moved on, haven’t we?’
I leant over and kissed him by way of reply.
The only thing I didn’t tell him about was Keira. As I was going to sleep that night, I asked myself why not. I knew he’d be supportive. But part of me didn’t want to taint the image I hoped that he had of me of a positive person, someone who was a survivor. Kiera made me feel like a loser. She made me doubt myself and I didn’t want to pass any of that on to Connor.
Pia and I decided to have a girlie afternoon on Saturday and we headed for one of our favourite spots – Westfield shopping mall. I’d talked things over with Dad and agreed to put two-thirds of what I’d earned over the summer into a savings account; the rest I had permission to spend as I liked. Pia and I didn’t waste any time making arrangements and headed off early in the morning.
As we got
on the bus, I found myself checking the street for Kiera. Chill out, I told myself. Even if she has been hanging about the apartment block lately, she’d never be up this early on a Saturday! I focused back on Pia and decided that I wasn’t going to let Keira ruin my day.
‘I’ve really liked being a PA,’ I said as the bus chugged off. ‘I’ve been thinking I might even like to do it as a job when I leave school or uni. I’ve enjoyed thinking about what to write to make the events sound fun and interesting, plus it has the added bonus of paying so well.’
‘Yeah. I think you’d be good at it,’ said Pia. ‘Maybe you’ve found your vocation.’
‘Maybe. I want to do some sort of writing, that’s for sure. Working for Stephanie’s shown me that much. What about you?’
‘I think I’d like to start my own business,’ she said. ‘All this holiday work has shown me that I’m not sure I want to be the one being told what to do. I’d much rather be the one doing the telling.’
I laughed. ‘Yeah, figures. You were born to be a boss.’
Pia biffed my arm. ‘You saying I’m bossy?’
‘Er . . . how can I put this? You know what you want and aren’t afraid to go for it.’
‘You mean bossy,’ said Pia. ‘See you would be good as a PA because you can be very diplomatic.’
‘OK. But you said bossy, not me.’
It felt good to have some time with Pia doing our usual stuff, chatting about nothing in particular, winding each other up and having a laugh. Both of us had been caught up in our own lives lately and I felt like I’d hardly seen her. ‘Whatever we do though, P, let’s promise to always make time for each other, not get sucked into a career or relationship.’
‘Just what I was going to say to you,’ said Pia.
‘And that’s why we’re good friends,’ I replied.
We saw that we had reached our stop and got up to get off the bus. ‘And by the way, I want to get you something today. A pressie.’
‘I’m a working girl too,’ she said. ‘I can pay my way.’
‘Bossy and proud,’ I said.
‘That’s me. But you can buy me a cappuccino.’
Although I still wanted to get her something, I didn’t push it because I didn’t want to rub in the fact that I’d earned almost five times more than she had in the time I’d worked for Stephanie. I wonder if Alisha used to feel this way? I asked myself as we headed across the street to the mall. Maybe it’s easier to give than receive? Now that I had some money, I wanted to buy something for JJ and Alisha too, a gesture in return for the endless gifts they’d brought me since I’d known them. My thoughts about giving presents or not soon disappeared when we got into Westfield and saw all the inviting window displays and signs promising everything half price or best bargains of the year. It felt great to go from shop to shop trying things on or stopping for a drink and knowing that we could pay for it all ourselves and still have money over.
I hugged myself and did a small skip. ‘You know what, Pia? I haven’t felt so happy in ages. Life is good. Things are going great with Connor. I’m starting to have a better idea of what I want to do when I leave school. Things are looking up. At the beginning of the summer, I felt like life was over, with JJ leaving and nothing going to plan. It had seemed so hopeless, but now life is good.’
‘Everything changes,’ said Pia. ‘Hey, you’re clearer about what job you might like to do but have you done any work on the what makes you happy part of the project lately?’
I shook my head. ‘A bit here and there. I’ve been too busy being happy and finding out who I am.’
‘Me too,’ said Pia. ‘Do you think Mrs Callahan will buy that as an excuse?’
I laughed. ‘Doubt it.’
‘Are you going to tell JJ about Connor?’ she asked.
‘When the time is right,’ I replied.
‘How would you feel if you knew he was seeing someone else?’
‘Not sure. I still think about him a lot, but I know I have to let him go. He’s on the other side of the world and I have to get on with my life over here. It’s sad but Connor has taken some of the ache away and shown me that I can move on.’
Pia nodded. ‘I’m glad and you never know, one day you might see JJ again.’
‘I hope so,’ I said. ‘It’s all down to timing sometimes, I guess.’
Next stop was Banana Republic and just as I was taking a pile of clothes into the changing room, my mobile rang. I quickly put the clothes down on the stool and took the call. It was Connor. He sounded weird.
‘You OK?’ I asked him. ‘You sound different. Upset. Has something happened?’
Connor was quiet for a few moments. ‘Yes. Something’s happened, Jess. I . . . We need to talk.’
Something about the way he said those last four words hit me hard. We need to talk. Somehow I knew that I wasn’t going to like what he had to say.
Happiness is:
A day in the Mall with your favourite girlfriend, some money in your pocket and permission to spend.
Late summer evenings in the garden holding hands with a boy you like, talking about your most private thoughts and knowing he is there for you and feeling trust starting to grow.
Unhappiness is:
When a boy phones and says in an unhappy voice, we need to talk.
18
Changes
After the call, I had no enthusiasm for carrying on shopping. My whole world had just come crashing down around me and I wanted to go home, crawl under my duvet and hide.
‘What exactly did he say?’ asked Pia as we headed for the exit of the mall.
‘He saw Naomi last night. She showed up where he lived after I’d gone. She wants to give things another go.’
Pia sighed heavily. ‘But I thought she was history. Connor told you that.’
‘I know. That’s what I don’t understand.’ I felt numb. Like I’d left my body and was watching it from up on the roof. The mall that only minutes earlier seemed like the best place in the world suddenly felt overcrowded with unfriendly people pushing and shoving. Connor and I were over. I couldn’t take it in. He said he felt he ‘owed’ it to Naomi to give their relationship another chance. What about me? Didn’t he owe anything to me? I guess not. Had I just been a quick holiday affair to him and he had been on the rebound? It was so confusing. We’d felt so close when we cried together, held each other. We had made plans for the autumn. A future together. Did that all mean nothing? ‘Actually I do understand,’ I said. ‘I’ve always known how much Naomi meant to him and how tough their break-up had been. I just never expected her to come back.’
‘If they had problems before, there may be problems again,’ said Pia. ‘Why did she break up with him in the first place?’
‘She felt it was too early to settle down into a serious relationship,’ I replied.
‘Ah,’ said Pia. ‘That means she wanted to play the field a bit, has done just that, probably kissed a few frogs and discovered that princes like Connor are the exception and so she wants to reclaim him. But don’t forget she hurt him. Sometimes it’s hard to let go of that and trust again.’ I knew she was trying to tell me that there was hope, like she did when JJ had left, trying to say that it’s not over for ever, but Connor breaking up with me was different to JJ. Connor breaking up with me made me realise that I had been second best for him all along. And that sucked.
Pia and I managed to get home without me blubbing in public, and as we hurried around to the back of Porchester Park, who was standing there but Keira – and she wasn’t alone. She was with two other tall blonde girls who were leaning on the wall, smoking.
‘This day just gets worse and worse,’ I said as I stepped off the pavement to avoid them. Pia didn’t though. She marched straight up to Keira. ‘What are you doing here?’ she asked.
Keira sneered down her nose. ‘It’s a free country.’
‘Who’s the midget?’ asked one of Keira’s friends.
‘Oh, nobody,’ Kiera replied.
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This made me mad. ‘Pia is not a nobody and she’s not a midget.’
Keira turned her attention to me. ‘Oh, Princess Perfect speaks,’ she said.
‘Leave her alone, this isn’t the time,’ said Pia and she pulled me towards the gate into the staff area.
‘No hurry,’ Keira called after me. ‘We’ll be waiting.’
‘Oh, get a life,’ said Pia.
Keira cracked up. ‘How very original, darling. Don’t worry, we have got lives, our own lives. We don’t leech off the rich like you two do.’
‘I’m going to call the police,’ said Pia.
Keira burst out laughing. ‘And say what? There are three teenage girls standing in a street? Have we done anything? I don’t think so. Go ahead.’
Pia looked like she was going to punch Keira. I pulled her inside. ‘She’s not worth it,’ I said as the gate swung open and we went inside.
‘Tell your dad,’ she said. ‘Tell someone. It’s seriously creepy the way she’s been hanging around.’
‘So you knew?’
Pia nodded. ‘I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want you to worry. I’d already decided I was going to go out and give her a piece of my mind. We have to take action of some sort.’
I nodded but my head was still spinning from the call from Connor. Dealing with Keira and her nastiness was the last thing I felt like doing.
When we got inside, my mobile bleeped that there was a text message. It was from Connor. R u OK? Call me, it said.
‘Don’t reply,’ said Pia. ‘You’re upset. Jeez. He couldn’t even tell you face to face. A phone call? A text? That’s so cowardly. You deserve better. Are you OK?! Course you’re not. I could kill him.’
I smiled weakly. ‘I wasn’t going to call him. I wouldn’t know what to say, like, if he said he wanted to stay friends. I don’t think I could do that, not after what I thought we had together. We were so much more than friends.’
Super Star Page 12
