by K J Harlow
Hundreds flew and leaped from stalactite to stalactite like sexy, bodice-and-corset-wearing gargoyles. Abbreviated status screens followed them, fading in and out of the swarm:
Name: Suzy
Level: 11
HP: 33/33
Name: Suzy
Level: 15
HP: 43/43
Name: Suzy
Level: 21
HP: 57/57
Name: Suzy
Level: 17
HP: 49/49
Name: Suzy
Level: 25
HP: 63/63
Name: Suzy
Level: 23
HP: 60/60
Name: Suzy
Level: 22
HP: 58/58
Yoshi shut his eyes, but a pounding headache was beginning to set in. Give Sophie and his mom a megaphone each, let them scream at him for an hour and it still wouldn’t be as painful as this was.
He opened his eyes just in time to see his Suzy cling to the inside of the wall and start climbing. She rapidly flapped her wings, giving her some extra thrust. Once she made it about 50 feet up, the texture of the noise changed dramatically. For one thing, it dropped to about 75% of the volume.
“Thank Frank,” Yoshi said, slowly removing his hands.
There were also fewer Suzies leaping to and fro. A hush smothered the group and 5,000 pairs of eyeballs watched one of their own make her way up.
“Who’s she going to talk to you think?” Yoshi asked under his breath. “They all look the same.”
“They do not.” Flick hissed. “Just because we’re all the same species, doesn’t mean we’re exactly identical. There are subtle differences that you might not be able to see, but they can.”
Yoshi kept his mouth shut after that. “Look,” he said pointing up. “That one looks different.”
“Yeah,” Flick said, squinting. “It could be a Ziva.”
“Ziva?”
Flick nodded. “Yeah. It’s the final evolved form of Suzy. She’d be like the matriarch of the colony.”
Try as he might, Yoshi couldn’t make Ziva out, nor hear the conversation. What he did hear was a dull thud followed by a squeak and suddenly, his Suzy was plummeting.
“Suze!” He ran away from Flick and into the darkness, arms outstretched. Halfway towards the ground, Suzy righted herself, started flapping her small wings furiously and managed to slow her descent. This did little to lessen the impact of the crash. Luckily, she landed straight on Yoshi. Without Felicity’s light, he had lost track of her in the air but had made it just in time to be her makeshift cushion.
“Suze…” Yoshi groped in the darkness. There was her arm, her shoulder, her tit… SMACK! “Ow.”
“Ooops!” Suzy said. “Didn’t know it was you.”
“No sweat,” he said, looking at where her voice came from. “Are you OK? What happened up there?”
“Yoshi, Suze.” Flick stopped next to them and crouched down. “Let me check you guys for injuries. Don’t move.”
As Flick started pressing into Yoshi’s back, which he indicated had taken most of the force of the fall, Suzy got to her feet.
“Suze, sit down, I haven’t–”
“Flick, turn off your Flash completely.” She turned back and looked at Yoshi. He stared at her for a moment, then nodded at Flick. He saw the his cave bat girlfriend’s concerned face before darkness shrouded them. She spoke again, this time speaking to someone else.
“Your eyes will get used to the dark – Mother.”
Strong, powerful wings flapped and Yoshi turned away from the dust that flew into his face. “Suzy, this is the trainer you spoke of?” Her voice was at counterpoint to Suzy’s. Where hers was high pitched, Ziva’s was deep. “What were you thinking?”
Suzy cleared her throat. “I am already Level 11, Mother. It is time that I left the colony.”
“You don’t have to leave the colony, child. Stay here like the rest of your sisters. You have everything you need here. What more could you want?” Her light footfalls struck the ground gently and suddenly Yoshi could feel her breath on his face.
“I don’t know what your name is,” Ziva purred into his ear. “But I command that you let go of my daughter this instant.”
27
1 vs. 5,000
“I–It’s not that easy,” he said, his voice breaking. “You have to go to a Mr. Pampers, de-register her via the GGN… and my name’s Yoshi.”
“Well Yoshi, what’s to stop me from taking my daughter back and sending you on your way this instant?” For once, he was glad that it was dark; he had no answer to this and she couldn’t see his stumped expression.
“Us dark-types can see in the dark, darling,” she said with a smug tone.
Well, so much for that.
His eyes were working overtime to pull in the little light that was in the large stone chamber. Eventually, he started making out Ziva’s form: A long, dark, satin dress clung to her hips, finishing just above her ankles. Her breasts were pushed up, the tops rising above the cut of the dress.
“Seeing as you have no adequate answer to my question, I will be taking my daughter back now.”
“Mother! I am my own woman! You cannot–” Suzy zipped back into her ring and Yoshi slowly lowered her fist.
“She is my girlfriend, I caught her. Besides, you heard what she said. She wants to leave the colony.” Yoshi looked up and immediately wished he hadn’t. 10,000 eyes were staring down. Hisses and screeches started raining down upon him.
Her mouth twisted in displeasure, Ziva held her hand up and the condemnations from above stopped. She looked across at Flick and smiled, but it didn’t reach her cold eyes. “You already have a lovely girlfriend. Pretty, young, delicious,” her eyes flared open, “and she can light up your world.” She laughed at her punerific joke. “What do you say, hm? Release my daughter and I’ll show you the way out.”
Yoshi raised a finger, rummaging in his pocket with the other. “Hold that thought.” He pulled out his GF-wiki and pointed it at Ziva:
Name: Ziva
Entry No.: 62
Species: Cave Bat
Type: Dark/Flying
Rarity: **
For every colony, there is only allowed to be one Ziva. The Suzy that is determined to be the matriarch has to defeat every single other Suzy before she is allowed to evolve.
Yoshi slipped his GF-wiki back into his pocket. “Alright. As you were.” Flick groaned quietly behind him.
Ziva’s expression was stormy with a high chance of whoop ass. “Tell me Yoshi, do you take joy from disobeying requests from powerful women?”
A cloud of Suzies were starting to descend from their stalactites. “No, I don’t. Well, maybe a little, but I’m not doing it for the fun.” I wonder if there are certain species of girlfriends that eat people? “Suze is my girlfriend, I caught her, she’s mine now. Now, could you tell me where the Grand Stone is?”
Flick slowly stood up, stones crunching beneath her feet.
Ziva took a deep breath and exhaled it slowly, looking away from Yoshi and delicately pinching the top of her nose. “The Grand Stone is gone.”
Yoshi’s eyes widened. “What do you mean, gone?”
“It’s been mined by some Frank-forsaken people wearing the most putrid white jumpsuits.”
Yoshi stared at her, before his eyes flew open. “The illegal mining Team Boom was doing was on the Grand Stone?” Ziva stared at him non-plussed. There goes my only chance of finding out what happened to Starry. “OK, next question. You wouldn’t have happened to have seen a lab assistant–”
“SILENCE!” she exploded, revealing inch-long fangs. “I have had enough of your insolence. First, you kidnap my daughter, second you waste my time with your idiocy and infernal questions. You will be releasing my daughter, but not before the rest of her sisters have some fun at your expense.”
Ziva’s entire body slouched forward. She twitched, like she was regurgitating something. A second later, she threw he
r head and arms back.
Wild Ziva used Screech!
Sound waves blasted Yoshi’s eardrums, making his very bones reverberate in his body. The noise from the thousands of Suzies yammering to each other had been loud but still tolerable. Ziva’s screech put his bones in danger of cracking from the high frequency.
He slammed his hands on his ears and turned around. Felicity’s hands were on her ears too, her face turned upwards, a look of horror in her eyes. She started glowing red involuntarily, swathing the chamber in crimson.
Felicity’s DEFENSE fell sharply!
Felicity’s DEFENSE fell sharply!
Felicity’s DEFENSE fell sharply!
Felicity’s DEFENSE fell sharply!
Felicity’s DEFENSE cannot fall anymore!
Thousands of Suzies had formed a dome around Flick and Yoshi, several emitting their own high-pitched cries of anger. They fell through the air, flapping their wings to direct themselves towards their prey.
“Flick!” Yoshi yelled. Even if he was able to get his voice heard above the cacophony, both of them were close to being deaf. Flick happened to open her eyes as he called her name. She read his lips and nodded. She dropped her hands to the bottom of her shirt and lifted it.
Felicity used Flash!
All the cave bats in the chamber collectively sucked the air out of the room in a second of silence. Then they screamed. An ocean of white noise churned and broiled and Yoshi was floating in the middle of it, desperately trying to keep his head above water. He couldn’t hear. He couldn’t see. Before he lost his ability to think, he ran towards his water-type.
Clawing through the air, he grabbed hold of her wrist. He whispered a silent word of thanks to Frank the Father of All himself, that he had left Flick’s ring on his finger instead of putting it back in its socket on his belt. He touched it to her perpetually damp skin, his hand recoiling from the force of her withdrawal.
At least she was safe.
“My eyes, aaaaargh!” The matriarch wailed clutching at her face.
Wild Ziva used Fetid Claw!
Venom-tipped claws whipped through the air, slashing through the back of his shirt.
Fetid Claw missed!
Yoshi ran forward, hands still pressed over his ears. He blinked several times, each blink bringing the gargantuan, rock chamber back into visibility.
Ziva was still clawing blindly through the air, eyes squeezed shut. Were those tears of blood trailing down her face?
CRACK!
A six-foot tall stalactite crunched into the ground a foot away from him. He craned his neck up. Thousands of Suzies were flying around blindly, crashing into one another. A few slammed into the conical rock formations on the ceiling of the cave. Most just shivered, but some were breaking free and piercing straight through the ground.
Wait, straight through the ground? The earth beneath his feet started to groan and crumble as more and more stalactites started falling. He jumped out of the way of another that would have pierced right through the top of his head, splitting him in half. To make matters worse, it was raining Suzies too.
Yoshi ducked and dodged the storm of bats and stone, jumping over gaping holes that were yawning up all around him. He looked up. The way they had come in was at the other side of a large hole that was starting to open up, wider and wider. With a run up, he’d be able to clear it and get the hell out of here.
He stole a final glance of the catastrophic scene. Ziva’s crimson eyes were open, blood all over her hands. She couldn’t see the stone spire that had just broken directly above her.
“Look out!” He ran back at the matriarch and threw himself full length at her, tackling her to the ground as the gigantic stalactite crunched into the ground, narrowly missing Yoshi’s gonads.
Ziva sat up, flapping her wings and getting back on her feet. This blew Yoshi back over the hole the giant stalactite had created. He gripped the edge, his fingernails tearing as he helplessly tried to claw his way back up.
“Help!” Yoshi yelled, reaching up to the Ziva. She looked down at him, scrubbing away blood on her chin.
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh…” Yoshi fell, and Ziva’s cold, unreadable face stared down at him, eventually disappearing over the lip of the crumbling edge.
Yoshi twisted in free fall. Limp Suzies and cold, hard stalactites fell around him in an eerie sort of synchronized dive towards their – and his – imminent deaths.
Not if I can help it.
He threaded his fingers into rings #2 and #6. “Soph! Suze! Come out!”
It didn’t take the two girlfriends long to realize the trouble they were in.
“Why they fuck are we falling?” Soph screamed. Suzy looked around her. Seeing her sisters and the stalactites falling, she knew something had happened.
“Guys, start flapping as hard as you can.” Yoshi directed himself towards his girlfriends. He grabbed each of them around their waists, pulling himself down until he had an arm wrapped around each of their legs.
“You asshole, let go of me! I haven’t learned Fly yet!” Soph swore. The trio started tipping one way. Suzy had her hands clenched into her chest, her small wings on her back flapping as fast as she could muster. “I’m going to kill you for this!” the flying-type screamed.
“Yes, good! Do that. I have to live for you to kill me. Flap like you’ve never flapped before!” Yoshi yelled.
“Rrrrrraaaaaaargh!”
Soph flapped her premature wings, speckled feathers disengaging from her skin with every motion.
That immediately slowed the three of them down, but they were still falling at a fast enough speed to cause serious internal injuries, if not death. Unconscious Suzies and long, pointy rock formations continued whistling past them.
“Flap harder!” Yoshi commanded. He looked down. The ground was rushing up at them. “Come on!”
“You’re going to get us all killed!” Sophie screamed. “I haven’t even lost my virginity yet!”
Yoshi kept his head down. 3… 2… 1…
He let go of his two girlfriends a few feet above the ground. He slammed into it but was able to do a forward roll before collapsing onto his back.
“Oooh noooooo!” Yoshi raised his hands, but all that was going to do was skewer his hands into his face before the stalactite crushed his face and brain. Hands snapped onto his wrists, yanking him sideways with enough force to move him a couple yards. Two seconds later, the stalactite crunched into the ground, standing upright.
That… was… too… close…
He fainted.
“Hey!”
White noise.
“Yo!”
He opened his eyes. Soph was staring down at him, nudging his head with her foot. He lolled from side to side, mind groggy.
“Five more minutes, mom.”
“I’m not your mom!” A sharp kick to the ribs and Yoshi was seeing stars. He dry retched, turning onto his side, away from Soph. “Do I need to kick you again?”
“No, no…” Yoshi groaned, raising a shaky hand. “I’m up, look.” He struggled to sit up, but managed to get there. He shut his eyes tight and rubbed his temples. “Where are we?”
“Beats me.”
“How long was I out for?”
“Half an hour,” Soph responded.
Yoshi stared at her blankly, his brain slowly pulling itself from quicksand.
“What the fuck happened up there?” Her yelling was giving him a headache.
He sat on his haunches for a while, then stood up shakily. Arms? Check. Legs? Check. Head? Bit slow, but nothing out of the ordinary. His bag was off to one side, while his belt was still on him. Three rings were on his left hand.
“Suze…” he looked at the flying-type. “Where’s Suze?”
“She’s seeing if any of her sisters are alive.”
The insanity of the last hour slowly floated back to the top of his consciousness. Yoshi covered his face with his hands. “Are any of them alive?”
A pause. “She hasn’t
found any yet.”
Yoshi groaned. “Where is she? I need to see how she’s doing.”
“She’s fine,” Soph said curtly. “She’s just gone to get her bearings.”
“Suze!” Yoshi yelled. “Suze!”
The bird-kin watched him stumble away, her fists clenched by her side.
28
Unrest
“Suze! Suze!”
He didn’t know where he was going. Six paths branched off from the circular chamber in which he had landed. Desperate to get away from the remnants of destruction that were still falling from the bat cave, he chose one at random and disappeared down it. The gray light from above quickly gave way to darkness, now as familiar to him as sending out his girlfriends to fight battles.
Ugh, my head. He squatted down. Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten up so quickly.
His slowing heartbeat wove in and out with the fading reverberations of the Ziva’s screech in his brain. Speaking of girlfriends… he replaced Suzy’s and Sophie’s rings, disengaging Starry’s, Flick’s and Crystal’s from their sockets. Three beams of blue light briefly illuminated the path before disappearing.
Flick dialled her brightness up to a one and gasped. “Yoshi!” she and Starry said in unison. In a flash they were on their knees, by his side. “What happened?”
“You’re going to have to speak up,” Yoshi said, barely able to hear himself. He pointed at his ears.
“We made it to the Suzy colony,” Flick said. “Things got ugly and…”
Yoshi put his arms on Flick’s shoulders. “Are you OK?” he asked loudly. His voice echoed around the cave and everyone flinched, including Crystal, the silent rock-type.
