“I’m a serious actress! So people call me their Scream Queen and I have a good following. So, what? I audition for serious parts all the time and nothing good comes from it. This stuff pays my bills and allows me to keep working. So, no it isn’t my end goal and no I really don’t like the creepy people who offer to buy me Jimmy Choo’s if I would just take pictures of my feet in them… or those other whack jobs who email me randomly and ask if I really like bondage. You wouldn’t believe the amount of people offering me thousands of dollars to just tie them up and have a drink with them. It’s sick and freaks me the fuck out okay?”
“People ask you to take photos of your feet?” Hadley smiles at me and shakes her head.
“Out of everything I said that would of course be the one thing you latch onto. Yes, I have some freaky people out there who scare me with their requests and you will not mention this to Frankie.” I go to answer, but her hand blocks my face. “I know you were thinking it so don’t even try to lie.”
“Maybe I was, but she could give us insight into these potential stalkers.”
“While I appreciate your protectiveness, you could be murdered by a random person on the street just because they want to know what it feels like to kill. I’m not five anymore. I have all of you to thank for my common criminal sense and I have an officer attached to my hip raising eyebrows everywhere I go. Isn’t that good enough?”
“I thought any press was good press,” I try to shed some humor on the conversation.
“Normally I would agree with you, but when hiring me could possible lead to an unfinished film because your star was slaughtered – not sure a director would jump on that casting. Sure, if others could come in to finish my part, or if it was mostly done you could easily edit around my death, but it could be a pain in the ass. Who would really want to take that on? It’s not like I’m going to overdose on drugs or something. You know what you’re getting into with this detail. James is adorable and he’s doing the best he can to fit in, but he’s a huge red flag.”
“If I could fix this I would.”
“I know you would but you really can’t. It has to play out the way it does. I just hope you figure out the ending of the script before I have to perform it.”
I’m not sure how to reply to Hadley and thankfully I don’t have to as Will escorts James back to the trailers. James looks up at Hadley again and his eyes are transfixed. Will simply smacks him in the back of the head. Just something I would have done to remind James why he’s really with Hadley.
“Hey, ladies,” Will pipes up as the two men reach us. Will looks back and forth between Hadley and me. I’m sure he senses the useless tension but I disregard it.
“James, I have to get to set. Detective, remember what I said.”
James holds his elbow out and Hadley slides her arm inside it. The two walk off and I am stuck thinking long and hard about her comments. She knows she is a plausible target and in her own way let me know she was afraid. She also mentioned that I couldn’t do anything to fix it – but yet she wants me to figure this out before she’s the leading lady. That’s not asking too much. I turn on my heels and walk back to our car.
“You want to talk about it?”
“No.”
I ignore Will and walk faster than before. I need some space. I need to think. How can one not do anything about it but tell them to figure it out, therefor telling them they can do something about it? Does she think I want this kind of life? This kind of fear? I live fear as if it is the blood running through my veins. I don’t know of any other way to live. I fear being alone. I fear my guilt. I fear what I cannot change. I fear anyone ever hurting my son!
My feet stop short, I gasp for a breath when I realize the words I just uttered.
“My son?”
“What’d you say?
I turn to see Will standing behind me. Opening up the car door, “I need you to take me somewhere.”
“Wherever you want to go.”
Will and I slip into the car and he looks at me for directions. I pull out a worn, laminated card to him.
“Take me there.”
“Jasmine.”
“Please, just drive.”
Will nods and in silence, no sirens, he weaves in and out of traffic as quickly as possible. I stare out the window looking at the mass of people on the city streets. Do they know the danger that could be lurking around the corner? Do they have cancer? Is their family healthy? Do they wonder about my life when they see me? We are all so connected, yet so disconnected. How can we exist when nothing seems to make sense in the long run? We all seem like grass in the field, all connected by the same roots yet independent of one another. Some blades will touch and be connected closer, but others are so far away with no ability to reach them. Why am I talking about grass?
Will pulls the car over against the small curb. He reaches to unfasten his belt, but I stop him. This is something I have to face alone. I let myself out of the car and wander through the freshly cut lawn. The blooming flowers scent lingers in the air and reminds me I’m alive as I sneeze. The marble tombstones of death rise from the grass like growing weeds. They never truly go away, we just ignore them. It’s always been amazing to me how beautiful a cemetery is, to try to make us all feel better about our ultimate demise. My worst fear, beyond all fears is being here. Leaving and going into the abyss. Not being able to protect the people I love. I don’t figure I get a long life. In my line of work, fifty is old. I don’t want to die. I’ve seen too much of it already.
My feet land between two ornate stones. My mother fought hard to ensure my father had a beautiful stone. She didn’t much care for it but knew she would be under it eventually. She had purchased two plots long ago. One for her and my father, the other for her children. Interesting plan on spending eternity next to loved ones, but they marry and move on. Are the tombstones like grass too? All rooted the same, but family members eternally apart due to their plots?
My knees hit the grass before I can fight my legs to remain upright. My hand plays with my sister-in-law’s name on the stone. It was a fight to get her into a Catholic Cemetery with her being an atheist. Money talks and so did Frankie. She made it happen for Chase. She was his fighter when he needed her. Now, it’s my turn and to do that I have to say goodbye to some things.
“Hey guys,” I mutter. “I know it’s been awhile and I should have visited more often. I know I should bring Chase around too, but I’m not sure if he’s ready for this yet.”
My hand wanders through the letters of my brother’s name. I feel the tears, but I no longer care if they fall.
“Chase broke his arm. He said it was on the monkey bars, but I’m sure a girl was involved there somewhere. You’d be proud of your son. He’s one hell of a young man. Smart. Strong. Reminds me of you every day.”
My hands drop to my sides. His name, on that stone, it reminds me of the finality of it all. My big brother, he’s really gone. Not on vacation, not away – he’s dead. That’s why I hate coming here. It reminds me this is really real.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I’m sorry I didn’t force dad to get healthy by cooking for him all the time… sorry, I didn’t go out with you all that night. Maybe the accident wouldn’t have happened if I did. I’m sorry I put myself first. I’m sorry I let you all down. Maybe if I…”
A sob escapes my mouth before I can finish my thoughts. The survivor’s guilt I’ve been carrying around for years seems to be finally free to shake my soul to the core.
“I called him my son,” my voice shakes, “I took him away from you. I made you disappear in one sentence.”
Wiping my eyes, the tears silently fall to the dirt below.
“But I don’t feel guilt about that. I feel guilty for many things, but loving him enough to call him my son? That makes me proud. You wrote in your will you wanted me to take care of Chase and give him the life he deserves. He will never forget you. I won’t let that happen, but he’s my responsibility now. I can’t
give him the proper life until I let all of this guilt go. So, forgive me for everything but I can’t be responsible for everything that happened. I have to focus on the person you raised me to be.”
I stand up, wipe my face one final time and take a deep breath.
“I love you guys and I’ll try to come back more often, but I have a lot of work to do.”
Tilting my head back, I feel the warmth of the sun on my face. Hopefully Chase is right, and the family is watching us. I hope they are proud and approve of what I’m trying to do. Finally feeling free, I know what I have to do and I know just where to start.
Chapter Six
My mother raised me to be the type of worker who tries to visualize everything. Regardless of how much evidence, or lack thereof, one has to look at the overall idea before making any conclusions. I have a very large rolling dry erase board in my office. One side is riddled with notes, ramblings and thoughts while the other side is the confirmed information with pictures of victims and suspects. I rarely look at this side. I know the victims’ faces; they’re hard to forget.
“These things are gonna make you high, not to mention the supposed addictive factor,” Will says as he closes the black marker next to my gibberish.
“No one asked you to snort my markers, Will.”
“Sure, take away all the fun of my childhood.”
“Somehow that seems to explain so much. Just be careful, if the captain heard you, you’d be working traffic.”
“He might be an annoying prick on occasion but I doubt he would fire me for snorting a bit of marker. That’d be like termination for tripping someone when chasing down the ice cream man.”
“Hey, don’t underestimate one’s love for that sound. If you tripped me, I would totally show you what it means to grow up with an older brother.”
Will pops open the red marker and sniffs it.
“Oh yea, that hits the spot!” He laughs as he recaps the marker.
“Where the hell did you come from?” I lean back in my chair in awe of his cavalier behavior.
“That was a bit rude, but do you really want to know?” He sits down in front of my desk. I simply stare at him waiting for him to continue. “Okay, so first there is this bee and he was getting busy with some flowers.”
I toss my pen at him.
“You are such an ass.”
“A smartass, yes. My mother told me I had a gift for being a pain in hers.” He leans back in the chair and stares at me. “In all truth, my mom always told me you have to find humor in everything. Sometimes, on this job, we see things… horrible things. I can’t bring that home to my kids. I don’t want to drink away the images every night. I can’t. So, I try to find the bright side of everything. In this case, I have to laugh at the silly things. Like how we have dry erase markers and the newer precincts are using smart boards.”
“Smart what?”
“Exactly. We are behind the curve in every part of law enforcement, yet we have the highest number of solved cases with included prosecution ratio. We find out the truth, with physical evidence. It’s not perfect and sometimes we do screw up, but we work damn efficiently. Maybe they think we don’t need the new stuff, but you have to laugh that those who don’t do get and those that do get nada.”
“Well, now that you have thoroughly depressed me. I will simply say you need more material or just newer stuff. The birds and the bees? Really?”
“I never mentioned any bird. I mentioned a bee and frankly if my kids had their way I would be explaining it with text messages or whatever the new app is.”
“Snapchat.”
“That’s over.”
“What?”
“Yeah, done. At least that’s what the kids tell me.”
“So what is it?”
“Did you not hear when I said ‘whatever the new app is’? Their attention span isn’t even as long as the ice cream man’s tune, you think they stay on one thing long enough to remember a name?”
“Ergo why Frankie and I had no desire to have our own tiny people.”
I stop at my sudden comment. It was an odd thing for me to say and I can see it’s made Will a bit uncomfortable. He stares blankly as if thinking of what to say next. He cracks his neck and I cringe at the sound. Standing, he faces the board and holds out the marker in his right hand.
“Anytime boss, we got us a crime to solve.” He smiles as he writes “CATCH BAD GUY” on the board. Someone knocks on the door and Will quickly caps the marker.
“See what sniffing markers can do?”
Will smiles at me and shakes his head. He sticks out his tongue at me before opening the door. Frankie smiles and hides her laugher as Will goes into professional mode.
“Frankie, Ma’am.”
“Am I interrupting anything?”
“No ma’am. I was just leaving to check in with the other officers. See how the details are holding up. Some might need a break, you know?”
Will slides along the door and before I can stop him, he’s gone. Frankie closes the door behind him. Standing there, waiting for an invitation.
“What brings you here and where is your detail?”
“Getting coffee in the lounge. I did a preliminary evaluation and I thought I would bring it here.”
Leaving the comfort of the door, Frankie walks over and places a small manila envelope on my desk.
“It’s not much, but considering all we had to go on this was the best I could do.”
“I appreciate it.” I stand to talk to her but Frankie takes a step back.
“I’ll keep working on it tonight so I might have more for you tomorrow.”
She smiles at me before turning to leave. “I would feel better if you stayed with me and Chase,” my voice cracks as I speak showcasing my vulnerability.
“I’m not sure that would be appropriate.”
“Safety in numbers, you know that.” I walk around my desk and lean against it for support if nothing else. She smiles at me but ignores my bogus comment.
“I’ll call you if I come up with anything.”
“Then do it for me.”
Frankie walks up to me so close I can smell her shampoo. My breathing speeds up and I feel myself sweating out of nerves.
“Do it for you?”
“Yes, do it for me.”
“Okay, but only if you tell me why.”
“I’m just thinking that if you stayed with me that there would be no reason to be worrying about you not being with me.” I mumble so she can barely hear let alone understand what I’m saying.
“I speak three languages and whatever you said was not in any other them.”
“If you stay with me, I wouldn’t worry about if you were safe or not.”
“I have protection courtesy of Officer Mikela Holmes.” Frankie smiles again and I feel a jealous rage burn from my gut to my teeth.
“Nothing against the detail of Officer Holmes, but she can’t protect you enough for me.”
“Jasmine, no one will ever protect me enough for you. It’s part of who you are.”
“It’s because I care about you, okay? Say what you want Frankie, but I would really appreciate it if you would stay with us tonight. I’ll sleep on the couch, but please do this favor for me?”
Her eyes study me for a few moments and I wonder if she is over analyzing the situation like I always do.
“I’ll come over after my last appointment and we can discuss the profile then.”
“Good, I’ll let Will know to expect company. It’ll be a tight fit but I’m sure we’ve got air mattresses somewhere.”
Frankie opens the door but stops short of exiting. She looks directly at me.
“I never said you had to sleep on the couch.”
Before I can answer she walks out the door passing Tyler as he’s coming in. She nods at him as she leaves. He closes the door behind him holding a rolled up paper in his hands.
“Working everything out?”
I pick up the file and show it t
o him without a second thought.
“She’s helping me break things down.”
“I wish you would have told me beforehand.” The captain takes a seat across from me. I walk behind my desk and sit down. When I feel a conversations about to take a darker turn, I prefer having my desk in front of me, gives me more confidence.
“She’s worked with me on several cases before without you being in the loop right away. Any reason why this case is any different? Not to mention you knew she’s been around since you assigned her a detail.”
“Call me naive but I was hoping it was for other reasons. Beyond that, the mayor has decided to make his presence known. Which means the media is giving him unwanted attention. That leads to us getting annoyed, irritated and feeling like every decision we make is being second guessed.”
“So, they’re digging for dirt and the mayor is on the wrong end of it. What has he released to the public?”
“Not much. We’ve been extremely tight lipped on this one. That doesn’t mean those bastards don’t have a way of finding out information. You know that.” The captain tosses the paper on my desk. “It’s a new day and age. Media can get the word out, get some but of information truthful or not and it’s everywhere. This case has gone up the ladder to the top and it made you a higher profile detective.”
“Which means what?”
Tyler nods toward the paper. I unravel the paper and my stomach churns in disgust at the front page.
“Love over justice. Detective Steele pays more attention to her lesbian lover and adopted son than the serial killer terrorizing the city.” An older photo of the three of us is plastered in the corner of the page. “You know this is all crap, right?”
“I know that, Jasmine. The pictures, lies, all of it isn’t what bothers me. The media is going to be all over you and your family. Everything you do will be scrutinized by the mayor’s office and in the public. That leaves me with no other option than to put all of you in a safe house, beyond the scope of this office.”
“You and I both know Hadley has people on her all the time. You can’t stop them all.”
“No, but we need to control the crowd. Whoever leaked this information did it with purpose. The more people around you, the less likely we find a specific target. I’m pulling in massive favors. No one will know where you are but your specific details and myself.”
Steele Resolve (The Detective Jasmine Steele Series Book 1) Page 10
