by Sarah Daltry
“You know, you are pretty funny,” I say.
He smiles. “You’re pretty… pretty.” He leans in and I clutch my phone. He’s going to kiss me. He’s going to kiss me! Holy shit, he’s going to kiss me.
“Are you going to kiss her?” Lanyon asks and smacks George with the inflatable pencil. I don’t even know where the stupid thing was, but it’s now smacking the guy who was going to kiss me.
George looks at Lanyon and they have a silent conversation. I look down at my phone. Jeff texted me, asking if I want to go to Chili’s on Saturday.
“So, how long until AAA gets here?” Lanyon asks and slides his wiry body in between me and George on the bench.
“An hour,” I say.
“I can just call my mom,” he offers. “Maybe I should just call my mom.”
“Yeah. Call your mom,” George agrees.
Lanyon’s mom arrives fifteen minutes later. “How close do you live?” I ask.
“My house is right behind that building,” he says and points across the street.
“I-” But there are no words.
The minivan is still cold. Lanyon gets in the front. His mom looks irritated that she’s picking us up near dawn in front of Denny’s, but she doesn’t say anything. George sits next to me, and when we turn a corner, his hand brushes the top of my arm. There’s that gooeyness again. Sigh.
I direct Lanyon’s mom to my house and call AAA while we drive to let them know that we don’t need them anymore. George says he’ll have his dad help him deal with the car in the morning. Well, in the later morning. When we get to my house, I have to climb over him to get out. I basically have to shove my crotch in his face to get out of the minivan, but he doesn’t say anything.
I stand in my driveway, holding onto the sliding door. “So, um, well…”
“It’s cold, woman,” Lanyon complains. “And dawn nears.”
“Meet me in the Mountains of Glarova?” George asks. “In, like, ten minutes?”
“It’s a date,” I say, and I slide the van door shut. They take off quickly, which is good, because I try to skip up the walk to my house, only to slip on a patch of three snowflakes and fall on my ass. But I smile as I lie on the stones, looking at the stars. I don’t care if it was just a quote. He said I was pretty.
George
“Mom, can I borrow the van tomorrow?” Lanyon asks as we pull up to my house.
“Why? Don’t you think you’ve done enough gallivanting for now?”
Gallivanting, she says. I love it. Lanyon continues, “I need to bring George back to Crimson Lightning.”
“Is that a band?” she asks.
“No, it’s my car,” I offer. “I wonder if they’ll smash my car.”
“You wouldn’t be able to tell anyway. Can I, Mom?”
“I suppose. But next time you get stuck somewhere, don’t stay out so late.”
I ponder the flaws in her logic. Lanyon and his mom wave to me as I exit. I go inside and slip quietly into my room. I check my email for messages. Just one pops up. I check it. It’s only Lanyon, though. It reads, I am in the car still.
I reply. I know. I just left you. How are you messaging me? I thought you didn’t have a phone?
I have a phone, he sends back. I always do. Were you about to kiss Katie?
Some comment about the theater goes past my brain too quick to catch. No. I slipped a bit on the ice and leaned in. It looked weird, I admit, but I wasn’t going to kiss her. She had her mouth all over nasty hipster Seynar all night. No, thanks.
Ah. Well, I’m home. I’m going to bed now. Pancakes make me sleepy. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Or I guess today. Sometime around three.
That’s that. Now I have to decide what to do. I sure wouldn’t mind getting some sleep. Yet I’m also very confused by the events of the last hour or so. Why was she all over Seynar? But then she blew him off and wanted to hang out with us? Also, I hope my car is okay.
I turn on my Xbox. Zarking girls. FDX is up and roaring when I get a ping that Katie is online. I sigh. Do I really want to get on with this? Oh, what the hell? It isn’t as if I have any other girls to talk to. I put on my headset just as soon as she sends me a party invite. I accept and wait for what kind of bizarre explanation awaits.
“Hey,” she says.
“Hey.” Hey? That’s it? I expect a little more, but I don’t know why. I keep going in circles here, but I feel like I deserve some kind of an explanation. “How was your date?” I venture toward the cliff and hope I don’t end up like Toonces the Driving Cat.
“It wasn’t a date,” she says as we teleport toward some icy region in FDX.
“If you say so.” I’m not sure why she’s lying to me, but it’s really starting to piss me off.
“What do you mean?” She sounds honestly confused. Is she stupid? She doesn’t seem stupid.
“From what I saw, it sure looked like a date. Or, at the very least, some kind of mating ritual.” I draw forth my lute in pixelated rage.
“What did you see exactly?” She sounds a bit defiant. Maybe I should just let it drop.
“It doesn’t matter. I don’t want to be a jerk. Let’s just get up to our elbows in dead ice trolls.”
We begin to do that. But something feels different. The loose friendly energy of last time we played isn’t there. Stupid relationships. Even when I’m not really in one, it messes things up.
“I don’t like him, you know,” she says.
“Who don’t you like? That troll you just beheaded?” I try to make it light, but I can tell it isn’t working.
“Yes, I don’t like the troll. But I mean Jeff. I don’t like him, either.”
“Who the fuck is Jeff?” I ask.
“Seynar. His real name is Jeff.”
“Really? Hmmm. For some reason, I thought it would be Exefalon or something.”
“That is more common.” She giggles a bit.
“Well, if you don’t like Jeff, why did you have your tongue buried in his epiglottis?”
“Oh, God.” I can practically hear her blush. “It’s a long story.”
“Long story for a long tongue,” I say. The question is, do I care?
Katie
My email pings. I look over and see that Seynar’s blog post is up. I can’t help it. I’m curious.
Dearest Seynarians, he starts. He’s a first class douche satchel. This evening, my virgin eyes were blessed with a gorgeous sight – the wonders of Middle Earth came alive as I was transported through The Desolation of Smaug. I will be posting my review later today, but first, I also want to tell you about the lovely evening I spent, as I foretold, with the ever beautiful Lady K. Per my instructions, she was ready for our date at promptly 4 pm. We then rode to our destination – Chili’s by the Golden Pigeon Mall. As couples often do, we shared the 2 for $20 special. Her hand brushed mine across the table and I knew it was love.
I want to gag. “Do you have your email up?” I ask George.
“Reading it now,” he says.
If George is one of Jeff’s nine Seynarians, and I am one of his nine Seynarians, that now leaves seven others. And I can almost guarantee one is his mom. So at least I know only six random people on Earth are reading this tripe.
We left dinner and, due to the unfortunate chill in the air, my romantic evening planned at the reservoir had to be postponed. Instead, we played laser tag and, once I had absolutely destroyed her (because, after all, she’s still a girl)-
“Oh, fuck, no,” I say aloud, not even thinking about the headset.
“Did he destroy you?” George asks.
“He won most of the games, but he’s a damn sniper. I barely play FPSs. Except Borderlands. And give me a break. This coming from a guy who chooses soldier? Maybe we should fight with magic. Then we’ll see who’s doing the destroying,” I say, a little angrier than necessary perhaps.
“Uh huh.”
I continue reading. I don’t know why I continue, because it’s not going anywhere good, but
I guess it’s motivated by a combination of reading it before George does, simple curiosity, and attempting to build up my rage so I can knee Jeff as hard as possible in the nuts next time I see him.
We shared a moment under the black lights. As our lips met, she sighed my name and asked me to be her boyfriend. I told her that I like to keep my options open, but that she was definitely in the running. We kissed a few more times before we went to the movie and then to Denny’s. The evening was wonderful and I was a perfect gentleman. Lady K was disappointed when I told her she couldn’t spend the night – not on the first date – but we will be seeing one another again this weekend.
What do you think, Seynarians? Should I allow Lady K to seduce me? Do I give in to her feminine wiles, or is this entrapment?
There is one comment, from “GnarlyNuts9.” GnarlyNuts9’s advice is that Seynar “stop being a little virgin bitch and tap that ass.”
“You’re going out with him again?” George asks.
“No.”
“Well, Lady K has big plans to seduce him this weekend, according to his blog.”
“I’m not going out with him again.”
“You kissed him a lot, huh?”
I sigh. “I kissed him once. One dumb, slobbery kiss. Because I was feeling a little pathetic and, I don’t know, I guess I liked that he liked me.”
“It was a long kiss. I think I’m pregnant after the movie and Denny’s.”
I look at George’s bard, sitting with his lute by the tree, and smile. “You’re jealous?”
“No.”
“You sound jealous.”
“I’m not jealous,” he says.
“I don’t like him. He was like a dog in heat, mounting my leg and stabbing me with his less than impressive, um…”
“Pork sword?” he suggests.
I laugh. “Sure.”
“It looked like you liked him.”
“I don’t,” I repeat.
“Do you like-”
He doesn’t get to finish his question, though, because apparently, five-thirty in the morning is the rush hour of FDX gaming. Lanyon, Seynar, and Ally all pop up. I should have made our party private, but it’s too late now.
“Hi, Katie,” Seynar says. “I blogged about our date.”
“I saw.”
“Are we still on for Chili’s Saturday?” he asks.
“Be careful your hand doesn’t brush his across the table,” Lanyon says. That brings the total of strangers reading Seynar’s blog down to five.
“Shut up,” George and I say at the same time.
“I have a coupon,” Seynar adds, and I wonder if it’s possible to telepathically kill him in real life. Since I can’t, I settle for “accidentally” petrifying him in the game.
“Oops,” I say. “Anyone have magic to unpetrify?”
Ally, who’s playing paladin, pulls out her sword and shatters Seynar’s soldier into a million itty bitty douchey pieces. “Make sure you catch up,” she says. “We’re heading to the Shores of Bawyyn. I think there’s a spawn point back at the beginning of the map.”
We follow Ally while Seynar mumbles something about ungrateful women.
George
“Remember that time we were playing Tossing Bitches and I killed you by accidentally tossing a bitch at you?” Lanyon asks.
“Yes,” I mutter.
“Me, too.”
“Is this some sort of code?” Ally asks.
“No. I’m just trying to point out to Seynar, whom I can hear huffing about all pissy, that sometimes allies make mistakes and petrify or bitch toss you. It’s just the way of life.”
Seynar’s character re-emerges along the shore and joins the group. Lanyon’s thief somehow gets behind Seynar’s soldier and kills him with a single knife strike.
“What the hell?” yells Seynar.
“Oops. I slipped.”
“Slipped?” The soldier’s head is about to go Scanners on us, I can tell.
“Yes, I accidentally used my stealth bonus to execute a perfect backstab on an unaware and defenseless target. Instakill. It happens. All perfectly innocent really.”
“I’m going to accidently grenade your nut sack,” Seynar shouts.
“Great. But when will that be?” asks Katie. “We’re approaching the Beach Towers of… now, how the hell do you pronounce that?”
“Grebeshnerkurglemensel?” I try. “Let’s just call it G-Town.”
“Very well. We are approaching the Beach Towers of G-Town and we don’t want to wait for you.”
“Yeah, stop dying all the time,” Lanyon says.
“I would not keep dying if you guys didn’t keep killing me for no reason.”
“Excuses are for losers,” says Ally.
“The tower’s locked. Do we have a key?” Katie asks.
“Keys are for cowards,” I add. “What do you think, El Thiefelo?”
Lanyon’s character begins working on the lock. “I shall have us through momentarily.”
“Oh, look, here comes Seynar,” says Ally. “Does that look like rain to you?” She then summons a massive lightning bolt that obliterates Seynar once more.
“What the cock?” he shrieks.
“Why don’t you turn on your defenses, stupid?” I ask.
“I move faster with them off. I’m a soldier.”
“Well, I hope you move superfast now, because we’re almost into the tower and I don’t know what will happen if you’re not here when we go through,” Ally says.
“Just give me a minute.”
I play the lute and summon a half dozen crocodiles. I send them off to slow down Seynar’s impending arrival. “Go, my amphibious friends. Eat the bastard.”
“What are you talking about?” Seynar asks from his distant position.
“Nothing at all. Pay it no mind. By the way, I heard that crocodiles hold special rare treasure drops in this area,” Katie says.
“Sweet,” Seynar answers. “Here come a few now.” We hear the sounds of battle and explosions over the mic. “Damn it.”
“Killed by crocodiles?” I ask.
“Yes.”
“You suck at this game,” says Katie.
“I’m not cut out to be a soldier.”
“Soldiers are for douche wagons,” Ally adds.
“See?” Lanyon chimes in. “You are meant to be a soldier.”
“I don’t think he heard you,” Katie says. “But I agree.”
“So you like hooking up with douche wagons?” Ally asks.
“Dear God, no. It’s a long story.”
“Man, I’m glad I don’t have a job. I couldn’t imagine getting up tomorrow,” Lanyon says.
“It is tomorrow,” I point out.
“Not in the world of G-Town. Aha,” Lanyon shouts and a short trumpet of victory music plays. “I have opened the gate.”
“Look, it’s some kind of vortex thing. It must be a transportation rift,” Ally says.
“Wait for me,” Seynar pleads. “I’m almost there.”
“And Juliet almost woke up in time,” I say.
“Really?” asks Ally.
“What? Shakespeare is the bomb.”
Off to the side, Katie’s character is brewing some kind of magical potion. “What’s that for?” I ask her.
“For Seynar. We can’t wait for him, but if he drinks this, he’ll be able to follow us.”
“Really? I’ve never heard of such a thing. I play druid a lot.” I’m once again struck with the feeling that I’m being played. Why is she helping this dick when everyone else is trying to ditch him?
“Yeah, it’s new for this game, I think. Anyway. We’re going through, Seynar. When you get here, drink the potion by the tower gate to follow us,” Katie tells him.
“Really? Awesome. Man, I was starting to think you guys were trying to ditch me.”
We were, I think as we leap through the gate.
“A wave of searing colors envelops you as the dimensional whoosh shifts about your ear
s. Soft chimes of-”
“What are you doing?” Ally cuts off Lanyon.
“He likes to read the captions,” I inform her.
We spiral out of the vortex and land in a world surrounded by jagged cliffs and black fire.
“Do you think Princess Peach is around here?” Lanyon asks.
“No,” I say. “The princess we’re looking for is in another castle.”
Katie laughs. Then she shushes us. “Hold on. I think Seynar is at the gate. Do you see the potion?”
“Yup,” he calls. “In plain sight. Perfect.”
“Drink it up.”
“Will do.” We wait a moment before he speaks again. “Huh? It says I’ve been killed by poison.” He pauses. “Oh, what the hell?”
We all have a round of virtual high fives.
Katie
“Katie?” someone says.
“Booyah,” I yell and nail my forehead on the underside of my desk. How did I get here? I look around and realize I’m lying prone on my floor, with my headset tangled around my neck and my head under the desk. There’s a string of drool hanging off the mic. I rub my eyes, slide myself out from under my desk, and find my mom standing over me.
“What time is it?” I ask.
“Six,” she says.
“Oh, good. It’s only been half an hour. I can probably still get to the boss with everyone.”
“PM,” she says and leans over to pick up my controller. She doesn’t even save; she just turns off the game. Although my druid is standing around the spawn point, so clearly I died at some point anyway.
“Shit.”
“Watch your language,” she warns me.
“Sorry. Shit.”
She hands me my controller. “Take a shower. I made beef stew.”
I blink a few times and rub my face. I can’t believe I slept for twelve hours. On the floor. Worse, I don’t know if anyone leveled up without me. I check my phone. I have a text from Jeff saying he’s not feeling well and we’ll have to postpone Chili’s. Darn. I might have to revert to my other plans. Of doing anything else. I sign back onto my Xbox and check my messages. Nothing from anyone. Maybe I said something before I passed out.
