by J. L. Paul
“Fine,” he shrugged, shutting the dishwasher and turning it on. “I’ll buy me a car and you can drive it.”
Rolling my eyes, I exhaled, no energy to fight him. “Where is Nick, anyway?”
“I’m not sure,” Jake said. “I just hope he’s not with Andrea.”
“Andrea?” I asked. “His ex?”
“Yeah, his ex.”
“Oh,” I said. “What’s wrong with Andrea?”
“She’s a train wreck,” Jake said, taking my hand and leading me into the living room. “And Nick feels responsible for her so he constantly takes her calls and goes running when she needs something. Even though she got quite the bank in the divorce, she still calls him all the time for help with bills and stuff like that.”
“I still can’t believe Nick was married,” I said.
“Yeah,” he said. “Nick was married to her but it didn’t last long.”
Biting my lip, I shifted on the sofa to face him better. “I heard about that. What happened?”
“He hooked up with her while I was in rehab and they married after only being together for a month or two. The marriage didn’t last. She’s an alcoholic and drug addict and very mean when she’s drunk. They fought all the time and he finally left. That was around the time that I got out of rehab so he left her the house and moved in here to babysit me.”
“Poor Nick,” I thought, my heart aching. While Jake was the ringleader, Ronnie the comic relief, and Matt the brain, Nick was the one that fixed everyone and kept them together, working like a well-oiled machine.
“Yeah,” Jake said, scrubbing his face. “Yep. I’m just hoping that he’s not over there now. Every time she calls and he goes over there, it takes him days to get out of his guilt-funk.”
“It’s not his fault, though,” I protested. “I mean, if she has problems and doesn’t want to change, he can’t do anything for her.”
“I know that and so do you,” Jake said, taking my hand. “Even Nick knows it. But he’s still Nick, the one who takes care of everyone. He hates that he rushed into marriage and then couldn’t make it work. And he feels like he still needs to look out for her, even though they’re divorced.”
I could see that. Nick’s heart was huge and he wasn’t afraid to share it.
“Do you think he’s with her now?” I asked in a whisper.
“I don’t know,” Jake said. “He just told me that he wouldn’t be home until tomorrow.”
Nodding, I leaned into Jake, settling against him as he arms wound around me. It was easy to forget about Brad and the potential firestorm he could bring as I relaxed on the sofa, safe in Jake’s embrace. But I couldn’t stop worrying about Nick, hoping that this Andrea wouldn’t break that big, warm heart of his.
***
The next afternoon, I convinced Jake to take me for a ride on the motorcycle to get ice cream. I was ecstatic when he jumped at the chance as he’d spent most of the morning pacing the living room or wandering around the deck with BK at his heels. He hadn’t heard from Nick and, although Nick was a big boy and could come and go as he pleased, Jake still worried.
I had to admit that I was worried, too. I’d never met Andrea but after hearing Jake talk about her the night before, I didn’t want Nick to be there, either.
“Ready, angel?” Jake asked as he walked into the living room, black bandana on his head.
“Yep,” I said, my heart twitching. He could still take my breath away, even dressed down in faded jeans, vintage t-shirt, and old sneakers. Flashes of the short-lived physical side of our previous relationship popped in my brain and that familiar warm, tingling feeling returned.
“Let’s go,” he said as a grin burst on his face, exacerbating all that was going on inside my body.
I stumbled after him, through the garage, climbing on the bike behind him. Wrapping my arms around his waist, I rested my cheek on his back, wishing that he wouldn’t insist on me always wearing a helmet.
At the gates, a small crowd had gathered, armed with cameras and recorders.
The paparazzi had found us again.
Jake revved the engine and shot through the gates, parting the reporters like the Red Sea. I held tightly, not out of fear of falling off, but out of a need to stay connected.
Once away from the swarm, Jake reached down to pat my hands. He maneuvered the bike down the two lane road carefully, heading toward the little town. I wasn’t in any hurry as I enjoyed the intimacy of riding on the back of a bike, the wind whipping around us.
When we reached town, he parked in front of the cute little ice cream stand. Removing the helmet, I tightened my ponytail and followed Jake to the pink-stripped building with the bright blue awnings. He ordered two sundaes and carried them to picnic table near the sidewalk.
“I can’t believe they’re back,” I said as I sat down, using my plastic spoon to stab my ice cream.
“Well, they must have found out that we’re back together,” he said with a shrug, seemingly not bothered by the fact that a horde of vampires were camped outside his home.
“Brad,” I sighed as I scooped ice cream from the bowl and shoved it into my face. I paused, cocking my head as I watched Jake. “Are we back together?”
“I kinda thought so,” Jake said, setting his spoon in his bowl. “Don’t you think so?”
“I’m not sure,” I said. “I mean, I love you, but everything has been happening so fast that it’s making my head spin.”
Reaching across the table, he took my hand. “What do you want me to do, Iz? Do you want me to move into the guest room? Take you on dates? Whatever you want me to do, just say. I’ll do it. I mean it. I just want you in my life again.”
I squeezed his hand. “I don’t think all of that is necessary. We’ve been through all of that once and I don’t think we need to move back. I think it’s time for us to move forward. But I do think that we need to just sit down and talk. There’s so much that I want to ask you – so much that we need to talk about.”
He shook his hand loose and picked up his spoon, not looking at me. “Like, what was rehab like? Why was I such a dick to you? Why did I start using in the first place?”
My heart twisted at his tone. “Yes, Jake, eventually, but that’s not exactly what I had in mind for now. I was thinking more about why you didn’t contact me or try to find me when you got out of rehab.”
Sighing, he set his spoon down and adjusted his bandana. “I’m sorry, Iz. I’m just so tired of those questions that I get defensive. And you’re the one who deserves those answers the most.”
“It’s okay,” I said.
He got up and walked around the table, sitting next to me. “I did want to find you. I did. But Nick convinced me to get home and get things situated with Greta. I needed to get my head straight. I needed to fix things with the label. And, in the end, I was scared. I wanted to find you but I wasn’t sure how to face you. I didn’t think that I could.”
“I forgave you a long time ago,” I said.
Leaning in, he kissed my cheek, his lips cold and sticky from the ice cream. My heart softened.
“I knew you were engaged before we met up again at the show,” he admitted. “Once I sorted most things out at home – Greta, the band, stuff like that – I got up the nerve to do a search for you. Nick and I did it one night and found your engagement announcement. We decided not to tell the others until you actually got married.”
I nodded, not sure what to say.
“It killed me,” he said. “Nick, afraid that I’d start using again, convinced me to do some more remodeling. We built the weight room in the basement and started a workout regimen. It was his way of keeping me physically and mentally busy.”
“Jake,” I said, placing a hand on his knee. “I’m so sorry you went through all of this.”
“It was my own doing.”
Once again, I was speechless. I turned my head, drawing a breath, when I spotted a table full of teenagers gawking our way.
“Are you fin
ished?” Jake asked. When I nodded, he picked up our garbage and tossed it in a can. “Let’s go home and we’ll sit outside and talk as much as you want.”
“Okay,” I said as I pushed the helmet on my head and hopped on behind him.
Thirteen
The horde of reporters had doubled by the time we got back. More than likely, word had already spread that we’d left so, hungry for a photo, the group grew in anticipation of our arrival. The tension in Jake’s body was evident under my arms but he merely hit the gate button on his key chain and cut through the reporters as if they were a loaf of bread.
Once he parked in the pole barn, he helped me off, a sheepish grin on his face.
“I’ve got to get another road put in.”
“They’ll just find that one, too,” I said with a sigh, tightening my ponytail. “How can you stand it?”
Shrugging, he hung my helmet on a peg. “It’s part of my life, now. I got used to it a long time ago. Of course, you know they’re just waiting for me to screw up again. They got bored with me after I got clean but now that they know you’re here, they’re out there salivating like a dog that smells a steak.”
Worry niggled my gut. I hated that, after getting a little peace, I brought the circus back to town.
“Stop, Iz,” he said, taking my hand and leading me to the back deck. “I know what you’re thinking and it’s not your fault. I don’t care that they’re out there – as long as they’re not in here, prying into our private time.”
“I know,” I sighed as I sank to a cushioned chair.
He sat beside me, leaning his head back and closing his eyes. “So, let’s have this talk. What do you want to know?”
The exhaustion in his voice quelled the questions lingering on my tongue. It had seemed like the right time earlier but now, I wasn’t so sure.
“I don’t know,” I mumbled.
He chuckled, turning his head to crack an eye in my direction. “That’s not the Iz I know. Come on, don’t be shy. You ask me whatever you want and I’ll be honest. Scout’s honor.”
Narrowing my eyes, I turned to face him. “Were you ever even a scout?”
He laughed. “No. I never did get into that. I was always too busy playing with my guitar.”
He stretched out his arm and I took his hand.
“I don’t expect you to date me again, Jake,” I said, unsure of where else to start. “We’re sort of past that. I guess we’re just dysfunctional that way.”
Again he chuckled. “I suppose you’re right. But, I want to do things right this time. We’ve been cool about the physical stuff and I don’t want to just jump back into that. We took our time last time we were together and it was so much better that way.”
“I agree,” I said, even though, back then, I hadn’t. Several times I’d tried to persuade him into a more intimate relationship but he’d made me wait until I was out of school. And when it had finally happened… well, it had been better than I’d ever imagined.
“I didn’t try to get in contact with you once I got out of rehab because I had to get my life sorted again – as I told you,” he started. “I wanted to, you know, but I had to get my shit straight before involving you in my life again.”
“I understand,” I said. “But I was so worried. Once I left, Nick would text or call once in awhile and then he just stopped.”
Jake squeezed my hand. “He told me that he had to do it. He wanted you to move forward and not sit around waiting for me to get my head straight.” He opened his eyes to look at me. “Nick thinks very highly of you, Iz. He loves you like a little sister.”
I’d always shared a close friendship with all of the guys, but to hear Jake put it that way – it touched me deeply.
“I just missed all of you so much,” was all I managed to say around the lump in my throat. “It was hard trying to get past all of it.”
“I know. I’m sorry,” he said, ducking his head. “I’m so damn sorry for all that I put you through. I loved you so much – still do – yet I hurt you so badly. I’ll never forgive myself.”
“I forgave you, Jake,” I said. “You need to forgive yourself.”
“I know,” he said, running a hand through his hair. “I know.”
I shifted again, turning to face him fully. “How did it start?”
Taking a deep breath, he released it, closing his eyes and dropping my hand in order to pinch the bridge of his nose. “It started because of Dad. I know, it’s a crutch, but I was just too weak to handle the pain.”
“Jake,” I started, but he shook his head, not looking at me.
“You know, already, how close I was to my dad. But, you weren’t there growing up. I barely remember my mother – just images. She left when Greta was only a year old. Dad stepped up, trying to be Mom and Dad to both of us. He ran himself ragged, working ten hours a day, coming home to cook, do laundry, run us to practices and rehearsals. Rarely did he ever miss a t-ball game or a dance recital or a middle school band concert. But he wasn’t just a parent, you know?”
I didn’t say a word – knowing a rhetorical question when I heard one.
“Do you remember when we took a break when we were dating when you were in high school?”
I nodded, even though his eyes were still closed. I remembered that time well. The stress of the paparazzi and Monique DuVois and school and everything else. Yes, that was still in the back of my head.
“That day – the day after my birthday – when you left out of here, hurt and upset because of Monique. Well, I called my dad and he was there, talking to me, trying to make me see what all of that was doing to you. He knew how much I loved you and I never told him. He just knew. He loved you, too, Iz. He had told me several times after he first met you that you were exactly what I needed. He said you were a sweet girl who was grounded. He said that he could tell that you loved me, Jake, the real person, and not the rock star image. And he adored you. Just like Greta. But he was the one to make me see what all the stress was doing to us. He didn’t want me to end my relationship with you – he talked to me, helping me to work out what was best for the both of us.”
I nodded again, all those painful memories returning. But he’d been right – both of them had been. Even though it had hurt to call things off, I’d been able to focus on school and get through finals and SATs and everything else. And then Jake and I had reconciled.
“When he died,” Jake continued, his soft voice laced with pain, “I couldn’t take it. The hurt in my heart was too much to bear. I tried. And I knew you were there for me, just like Nick and Ronnie and Matt – but it wasn’t enough. It didn’t make the pain stop.”
He paused, turning his head to gaze off into the distance. “And then I went to a party one night. A party that a different label was throwing for their newest star. You were at your parents’ house and I just went. I met a couple of guys who invited me to join them in their hotel room for a private party. I wasn’t an angel before that – I’d tried pot before but never got into it. But they gave me coke and after I did it, I didn’t feel a thing. And I liked it.”
I sucked in a breath to stifle my tears. I didn’t need to fall apart on him now.
“It was stupid, Iz. The dumbest thing I ever did. But I couldn’t stop. I wanted it because it made me feel good for a little while. But pretty soon, I wanted it all the time. The pain was worse when I wasn’t doing it – it was a vicious cycle. My body would hurt and ache until I had that shit in my system. And then I was hooked. And I was spiraling down fast and hard.”
He stopped, turning in his chair to look me straight in the eye. “I was going down, Iz, and I was going down hard. I was scared but I couldn’t stop. I’d already been arrested for DUI and I knew I needed to quit but I couldn’t. I was out of control. Finally, one night when my head was somewhat clear, I knew I had to let you go. I couldn’t go on that way, hurting you and messing up your life. I had to cut ties and let you get on with your life. I didn’t want you to crash and burn with m
e.”
“I wanted to be here for you,” I said, my voice weak.
“I know,” he said as he took my hands and gave them a squeeze. “I know. And I love you even more for that, but, if you would have been in my position, what would you have done?”
That was all I needed for him to say to put it into perspective for me. I would have done the same. Although it would have killed me to let him go, it was better than the alternative.
But still…
“I understand, Jake, I really do. And I appreciate what you did for me,” I said, catching my breath. “But I still wanted to help. I didn’t want to be totally shut out.”
“Yeah, I know,” he said, dropping one of my hands to rake his hair back. “But, I guess we all did what we needed to do at the time.”
“So,” I said. “How did you finally stop?”
“Nick.”
“You’re out of control, man,” Nick said, his hands shaking with anger. “You’re screwing everything up. The studio’s so pissed, they’re about to dump us.”
“Whatever,” Jake said with a careless wave of the hand. “Maybe we just suck. You ever think about that?”
“Nah, we don’t suck,” Nick growled. “You just can’t keep your shit straight long enough to care. Look at you, man! You’re a hot mess! You can’t lay off the coke, you’re losing your friends, you’re losing your band and you already lost your girl. Good thing too, she was way too good for this shit.”
Jake grabbed Nick by his shirt, pushing him against the wall. “Shut up about her.”
“Why, truth hurt?”
Cocking his arm back, Jake swung, connecting with Nick’s jaw. Nick flinched and yanked out of Jake’s grip.
“You’re losing me too, man,” he said as he walked out.
Jake spent the night, shaking and shivering, trying to keep his mind clear. Sitting in the basement, staring at the photos Greta had framed and hung, he made a decision. Only then did he drop into a restless sleep.
The next morning, he woke, head pounding and eyes crusted, and found Nick sleeping on the couch.
