by Y. A. Love
Even though I couldn’t see her anymore, I could hear her voice tremble as she squeaked out, “I thought you liked me Ryan.”
He ran a hand over his face looking uncomfortable, but didn’t seem to be able to speak—or know how to verbally communicate, ‘I was just playing you.’
But she seemed to get the message. She sobbed and ran away.
When she was gone, we were silent.
My heart twisting, I murmured, “That was callous.”
Ryan gave me a tiny look, “Well, that’s me these days.”
As we dutifully switched over, speaking in French—him telling adorable stories—my heart dying—I just blurted out, interrupting him:
“Why do you make me do this?—come here?” I asked him, tortured. (I mean, I’d just saw him kissing another girl.)
He looked into my eyes. “I want you here. I like you, Lexi. Even if you don’t like me.”
I could barely manage to choke out, “I do like you.”
He raised his eyebrows. “I know.”
“But I don’t want to come here anymore.”
His jaw muscles ticked. “I know.”
“So will you stop making me?”
He shook his head slowly, his eyes staring into mine. “No.”
CHAPTER 11
As Ryan left for his fencing practice, he told me, “I’ll be thinking of you every time I get stabbed in the heart.”
He said it with a wink and a weak grin—in French of course.
But his mom understands French.
She heard him say it as she ushered him and their driver out the door, hurrying them along as they were late. Then she turned to me. “May I speak with you a moment, Lexi?”
She had me go into her office. I sat at the desk across from her, shivering slightly.
“I take it you and my son have had some sort of falling out?”
I nodded, unable to speak. (The woman intimidates me.) (Also, she loves her son, of course, so I knew she wasn’t pleased that I’d hurt him.) (Also, I was worried I was going to burst into tears—since it hurt that we had a “falling out.”) (It hurt very, very bad.)
She sighed. “He’s not faring well without you.”
Then she added quickly, “—however, certainly don’t take that to mean I want the two of you back together the way you had been. Far from it. I think he would be better off with distance from you.” She clasped her hands together. “Lexi, I have a proposal for you. You love to ride horses—correct?”
I nodded.
“There’s a boarding school in Connecticut. It’s close enough that you could see your mother on weekends—on occasion. The school has horse stables, and a prestigious dance curriculum. I will provide the tuition for your room and board—and dance and riding lessons as well. On the condition you stay away from my son.”
I blinked at her. I was trying to stay away from him.
She mistook my stunned silence for hesitation. “It would be a wonderful experience and opportunity for you—one that your mother could never afford to give you. But I am truly fond of your mother—and you, Lexi. You’re a sweet, compassionate girl. I wish you no ill will. In fact, I wish you happiness and success. You should take this opportunity, Lexi. And see it for what it is—a fortuitous opportunity.”
***
I took the “opportunity.”
After all, I did really, truly see it as an opportunity. It hurt to see Ryan flirting with girls—even if it was just to get me “jealous.” It worked. I was jealous. My heart ached seeing him with other girls. And being without him. But I felt it was for the best. His mother was right—we were too young for the stuff we were quickly getting into. Plus, (sadly) Ryan seemed to be doing just fine without me. Plenty of girls seemed to be more than willing to give him skanky stuff. They seemed eager, in fact.
Plus, there was this other issue that had me wanting to leave—Devin. He was turning worse than clingy. He was mega, royally obsessive. It had me disturbed and uncomfortable.
Ryan too—apparently.
He even stopped me in the school hall to warn me about it one day. “Lexi, the dude is stalking you. He walks past your classes, and watches you through the windows.”
I shuddered. Visibly.
Ryan saw me do it. It made him squint his eyes. “Is he giving you troubles, Lexi?—do you want me to beat him up?”
I sighed, “No, don’t worry about it. It’s going to be fine.”
‘Cause right then I decided, for sure—I was going to go to that school. Devin was giving me the creeps and Ryan was breaking my heart and the boarding school had horses and dance lessons. And although it was an all-girl school, at the moment I would take a horse over a boy any day.
So, I went to the school … without telling Ryan about it. It was a condition his mom made with me—she didn’t want him to know she had anything to do with me going away.
CHAPTER 12
I was at the la-dee-da fancy boarding school for two years. Until my mother came to visit me at the school and didn’t approve of my very liberal roommate and friends. She felt I needed her “guidance.” She immediately made me move back home—“fortuitous opportunity” or not.
I had mixed emotions about coming back—on the one hand, Devin had moved away, so that was no longer an issue. On the other, Ryan was still around. That was a bigger issue. I thought about him a lot while I was away. (I mean, it was an all-girl school.) (Plus, he’d been my very first [and only] boyfriend. Ever.) (Plus, he was a good kisser.)
So, sigh.
I was back at Roosevelt High for two weeks before I ran into Ryan. And when I say ran into him, I mean that literally. I rounded the school’s crowded corridor and—wham! I plowed right into Ryan’s firm (awesome) chest.
He held my shoulders to steady me, then looked into my eyes as though he was seeing a ghost. “How long have you been back?”
He sounded bewildered and hurt.
I shrugged, though my heart was pounding wild. “A few weeks.”
He scrunched his eyes. “And you didn’t even tell me?”
He looked so hurt I had to glance away. My heart was going to explode.
“I was going to tell you. I specifically sought you out the first morning I got back—I did. But then, when I found you, you were with some blond on the bleachers—I would have felt stupid interrupting.”
“Yeah, but a few weeks?!”
“Well, every time I saw you, you looked busy. You were either with a girl, or with a bunch of guys. I just never had the chance—”
He lowered his brow. “I don’t get it. We’ve been friends all our lives—we took naps together—and yet you left without even telling me. And then when you finally came back you couldn’t even bother to stop me in the hall and say ‘Hey Ryan, look, I’m back’?”
“Well … I just felt nervous about it.”
“Nervous?” He looked perplexed. “Why would you feel nervous?”
Um, maybe because you still hold my heart?
Maybe because every time I saw you, you had your tongue down some girl’s throat?
Maybe because your mom blackmailed me to stay away from you?
I didn’t tell him any of those things though. Instead I shrugged. “I don’t know why I was nervous. I guess because it’s been so long … and every time I saw you since I’ve been back, you were with a different girl.”
He tilted his head. “What, you were spying on me?”
“Kind of.”
His expression changed at that. I couldn’t read it, which was strange because I knew Ryan pretty well—he’s basically transparent. “You must have like, been hiding from me Lexi,” he said. “I mean, you don’t exactly blend into a crowd.”
“Apparently I do.”
He shook his head slightly, still staring at me.
But just then this guy, Shane, turned the corner and ran into me. He did it at the exact same moment this sexy blond sidled up to Ryan and purred in his ear (something dirty), but his eyes stayed on me.
Ryan’s eyes narrowed, darting between me and Shane as Shane went on all flirty and playful, “You’ll look at me that way Friday night, though—right? On our date?”
He kept calling it a “date”—because he was teasing me—but he was just going to help catch me up in our math class, as I was behind. Hey, he offered. And I needed the help. Desperately.
But Ryan took the word “date” to mean romance, I guess. Because when the skanky blond waved her hand in front of Ryan’s face trying to get his attention, Ryan immediately linked his fingers through hers, then kissed her—passionately.
Ouch.
Shane gaped at me, “Oh, hey. You look sick. You’re trembling. Are you okay?”
That made Ryan glance at me quickly, raising his eyebrows.
I swallowed. “Yeah, I am feeling sick.” Then I forced myself to look up at Shane and smile, though it was totally fake and wobbly. “I’m looking forward to our date though,” I told him, then tugged on his arm. “Come on, let’s get to class. The view here is making me nauseous.”
Ryan texted me: “I make you tremble.”
I texted back: “You make me nauseous.”
CHAPTER 13
After that, I avoided Ryan at all costs. He hurt my heart wayyy too much. Besides, I suddenly realized I’d sort of made a deal with his mom that I would stay away from him. I’m pretty sure she just meant while we were so freakin’ young. Well, and you know, while I was on her tuition/blackmail payroll. But now that I was off it, I was pretty sure I was in the clear to do whatever I wanted … but you never know. (And his mom scares me.) Also, like I said—my heart. It was a fragile thing when it came to Ryan. And the dude was dating every girl in sight. So, I didn’t talk to him again, ever … until I followed him into the bathroom at the restaurant.
That night he texted me: “Are you considering our arrangement?”
I texted back, “I’m thinking it’s a bad idea.”
“It’s not, Lexi.”
He texted more right after that, “You just broke up with your boyfriend, right?—Football Fenton? You need a little fun, a little action, a little … me. And here I am. And I’m agreeing to help your fan-girl friend. I’m going to NOT see any other girl for a whole month. I’m going to treat your friend like a princess. I will buy her gifts, compliment her hair, take her shoe shopping, fetch her newspaper. And all you have to do is spend time with me … you used to like spending time with me.”
I drew out a breath. “You used to not kiss the entire school’s female population.”
He immediately texted back: “I won’t kiss anyone but you for a whole month … unless you want me to kiss your friend. I’m willing to do that for you … but I don’t particularly want to.”
Me: “Why?”
“Because she’s your FRIEND, Lexi. I want to date you—not your friend.”
I rolled my eyes. “You have a weird way of showing you want to date me—by grabbing every girl in sight and kissing their faces off.”
“Hey, you left the school without telling me. You came back, without telling me. You wouldn’t talk to me for over a year—until you followed me into the bathroom to tell me that your friend has the hots for me.”
After a moment, he went on: “And you’re complaining I kiss other girls? Lexi, you started a relationship with a guy right in front of me. And then you went on to date— then promptly drop—and break the hearts—of two jocks, a guitarist and a dweeb.”
I raised my eyebrows, my stomach dropping. “You’re keeping tabs???”
“Yes.”
To be fair, those guys were just short-lived experiments. I was just trying to get Ryan out of my head. I mean, he had seemed to have me completely out of his. Well, anyway, I’d thought he did … until Carly called me that one fateful night to tell me Ryan followed me home from work.
I sighed. “Look, I’ll have to think about it. I mean, if you started seeing me while you were seeing her … that would be like you were cheating on her … right?”
“I don’t know, Lexi. Since the whole thing is FAKE.”
“Right.” I drew in a breath. “So … are you trying to talk me out of it?”
“Yes. Because I want to date YOU, Lexi.”
“You have a funny way of showing it.”
“You never gave me a chance, Lexi.”
My heart twisted. And my eyes filled with tears. Ryan always does that to me. He makes me feel … too much.
I squeezed my eyes shut, sort of needing to cry. “Okay, well I’m going to stop talking to you now.”
“Yeah. Big shock. Do your usual, Lexi.”
His words were like a slap in the face. But I really did need to stop talking to him and actually seriously think about the “deal.” On the one hand, of course I would enjoy getting his attention for a whole month. (I’d enjoy it wayyy too much, in fact.) And it would be nice for Carly to get his attention too. She’s been so down, and Ryan is fun and can really cheer a person up. And he can be sweet and make a girl feel … amazing. Spectacular.
It’s just, well, the deception of it all. I mean, it had seemed different when I had followed him into the bathroom with my proposal. His counter-proposal sort of ruined the whole great idea though—for me. Now it seemed … wrong.
Maybe it had always been wrong—right from the beginning, though my heart had been in the right place. I just wanted to help Carly out. Make her happy.
But the arrangement didn’t seem like it would do that now—make her happy. Not in the end. I mean, before I was just thinking about the month—getting her through this month. Get her through the gloominess.
That still seemed like a good idea, but …
Ryan texted more: “I’m going to keep dating girls until you tell me to stop.”
Then he texted, almost pleading, “… tell me to stop, Lexi.”
CHAPTER 14
A week went by without me talking to Ryan. Or texting him. Or emailing him. Not telling him that the deal was off … or on. He was “dating” every cheerleader at our school it seemed—or at least deeply kissing them. So, it didn’t really seem like he really wanted to go through with the deal anyway; or, you know, could even manage it. (Look, you can’t take guy’s words or pleadings too seriously. Not when they are players. You need to take that into account—they’re players. They play you. Toss sweet words at you. Make your heart twist and yearn for them. It’s part of the game. The way they “play.”)
So, ugh.
CHAPTER 15
Monday Carly came up to me at my locker all excited. So thrilled and happy. It had me jumping up and down with her, though I had no idea why we were bouncing.
“Larson told me he wants me to be his girlfriend again!” she gushed.
I stopped bouncing, my heart sinking. That didn’t seem like a good idea. Larson was part of the reason Carly had her moment of “gloom.”
She seemed to read my mind.
“No, it’s not like that, Lexi,” she assured me without me saying a word. “I’m over that. It was depression. I have pills for it. And a therapist.”
I squeezed my eyes shut, so worried for her. “Does your therapist think it’s a good idea?—you getting back together with Larson?”
“Well, no. But she gave me a lot of good advice. And—and well, I think it’s a good idea. I love him so much. And he loves me. He said he was miserable while we were apart, and it ate away at him that I ended up at the hospital, and that it made him see that he couldn’t live without me.”
I winced at her words.
She laughed nervously, “Well, not literally. We can live without each other. Duh. Totally. But we’re happier with each other. It�
��s all good. And healthy.”
I squeezed my arms around my waist, not exactly reassured. But Larson is a nice guy. Not a player. And he makes her happy.
In fact, she was bouncing off the walls.
So … I tried to relax.
After all, this was no worse than the crazy plan I’d cooked up for her. Right??
Right?
Carly squeezed my arm gently. “Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere, Lexi.”
I nodded and tried to smile, “Good to know.”
CHAPTER 16
During my math class I quickly sneak a text to Ryan, “You’ll be happy to know the deal is off.”
Ryan: “Aw, I was looking forward to it.”
My heart does a little flutter. (Stupid heart.) I text back flippantly, though my heart is still all twisty, and probably will be for the rest of the day: “Well, I guess you’ll have to survive without me.”
“I don’t want to.”
“Ryan, we both know you’ll survive. Comfortably. I saw you surviving with a blond just about ten minutes ago.”
I’m sure he smirked at that. He texts back: “Spying on me?”
“Goodbye, Ryan. Have a nice life.”
“You’re mean, Lexi.”
“You’re a player, Ryan.”
“I’m not. I was just waiting for our deal to start. Saying goodbye to everyone—my tongue says it better than my vocal cords.”
When I don’t reply, he texts more: “At least you’re saying goodbye this time. You just went off to that boarding school without saying a word.”
“Goodbye, Ryan.”
“Yeah. Thanks.”
CHAPTER 17
So, that was my last conversation with Ryan—through texts.
After that, he went back to kissing girls whenever I caught him staring at me. Which was better than what my ex-boyfriend, Fenton, was doing.
