As they walked into the terminal and requisitioned a military vehicle to drive to the BOQ, he seemed deep in thought.
They located the dark olive-green car in the black asphalt parking lot; Morgan breathed in the warm, moist air. “I love Hawaii. It’s one of my favorite places on earth.”
Jake smiled a little, responding to her unexpected spontaneity. This was the Morgan he knew from his Annapolis days, and he wanted to see more of that side to her. But would she reveal herself? To do that she had to trust him. Not an easy issue to resolve in two days’ time. Not with their spotty record. “They’ve got a nice pool at the BOQ.”
“I want to grab my swimsuit out of my duffel bag and head for the beach.” She gave him a droll look. “You’re a SEAL. Water’s your home.”
“Is that an invite to come along?” His hopes rose. Maybe another six hours of sleep had put her in a better mood. The serious look on her face melted his heart. He wanted her so damn bad.
“Up to you. After all these flights, murderous jet lag, I need to move into Mom Ocean’s arms and just be.”
“I’ll come along in case some nasty undertow starts to drag you away. Or some shark decides to think you’re a delicious dessert.”
She shook her head as she opened the driver’s-side door on the military car. Reaching in, Morgan sprung the trunk open so they could put all of his equipment, including his duffel bag, into it. “You SEALs own the water. But somehow, Ramsey, I don’t need any rescuing or protecting.” She slid into the car.
Jake felt his spirit lift a little. Morgan was more like her old self. The woman he knew. The woman who loved so damned hotly that he felt scalded inside and out by her raw sensuality. Climbing into the car, he said, “Maybe you’ll have to rescue me, then.”
She threw her head back, husky laughter rolling out of her. God, how he’d missed that laugh. And yet, Jake knew she was an emotional minefield. As badly as he wanted her to surrender to him, he knew she didn’t dare. He couldn’t break her heart the way he knew he would. Not ever.
“Mmm, I’ve died and gone to heaven,” Morgan sighed, the warm ocean water moving slowly around her. She had swum out beyond the breakers with Jake, floating on her back. The sun was lower in the sky, dapples of light dancing around on the smooth, turquoise water.
Sharks were big in these waters. And by floating on her back, Morgan would look like a sea turtle to one of them. “The water was a good choice.”
Barely opening one eye, Morgan saw Jake treading water nearby. He hadn’t shaved since this morning, and the dark growth made him look dangerous in a sexy kind of way. “Your dad was a SEAL.”
Jake nodded. “Yes, he was.”
His shoulders were incredibly broad, tightly muscled, his chest darkly haired and well sprung. Morgan remembered his body as if it were yesterday, much to her consternation.
“Did he teach you a love of water, I wonder?” The water soothed her aggravation and always having to be on guard against Jake. The warmth lulled her, made her feel safe.
“No. I taught myself to swim. My father wasn’t around much.” He had died when he was twenty, killed by an enemy in a foreign land, but Jake had never told Morgan. Jake allowed the wave to push him closer to her. The dark purple bathing suit was one piece, but on her body, it made her look like a Titian or Raphael woman.
Morgan had a tall, proud frame. She was all legs, and Jake watched the water flowing sensually across them. Frowning, he saw what he thought were several new, pink scars on her left, upper thigh. He couldn’t see much, because most of the scarring was below the water surface. Were these the injuries she’d gotten when Khogani had attacked that Afghan village? He didn’t like to think her beautiful flesh was scarred. Or that she’d suffered pain, because he’d made her suffer enough. Morgan didn’t deserve it. She was a good person with a trusting heart. Well, she had been trusting…. He’d taught her to trust no man.
Lifting her head, Morgan forced her legs down into the water, gracefully moving her arms outward to steady herself. Jake was close and terribly handsome, the water running off in rivulets down his face to his neck and shoulders. His eyes went slate-gray again, as if realizing her question had probably dug up a lot of unwanted and hurtful memories from the past.
Morgan wanted to reach out and simply rest her hand on his shoulder and tell him it was all right. In some ways, Jake had been born behind the eight ball, and he’d had to struggle all his life for everything he’d earned.
A wave splashed her, and she wiped the stinging salt out of her eyes. Jake continued to be a big SEAL guard dog. “You think a Big White’s gonna see me as a turtle out here, don’t you?”
His mouth drew into a hesitant grin. “Something like that.”
Shaking her head, she said, “Ramsey, you’re a piece of work. You really are.”
“What? Can’t I make sure you can enjoy your swim? What’s wrong with being watchful? There have been plenty of shark attacks on the beaches of the Hawaiian Islands.”
Spitting out water she’d accidentally swallowed, Morgan shook her head. “Someday, I hope you stop being so damned overprotective, Jake. You were that way with me at Annapolis. You never thought I could take care of myself once because I was a woman.”
“Look, I don’t want to argue with you, Morgan. We got a job to do.”
The growl in his tone was a warning. His face went blank and unreadable, a glitter in his icy gray eyes. “That’s right—we do have to get along or we’re both dead meat out there on some godforsaken, ass-freezing Afghan mountain.” Morgan lifted her hand and flung off beads of water and pushed the wet strands off her face. “Your mother contracted multiple sclerosis when you were ten years old. I remember you were the one saddled with being her caregiver until you were eighteen.” Her voice lowered with feeling. “Jake, I know you loved your mother, but you grew up fast in that family because your father was never there. You took care of her until she died when you’d just graduated high school.” She noticed how his eyes went stormy. Morgan gave him a pleading look. “You think all women are weak because your mother was weak. You think because you had to take care of her 24/7, you have to burden yourself thinking you have to take care of me out here. You don’t, Jake. You don’t….”
Chapter Five
They had just returned to the BOQ after having a Thai dinner at Morgan’s favorite restaurant in Honolulu. The moon was rising in the east, the Pacific Ocean gleaming with a pale corridor of light across the darkened ocean. Jake put the car in Park, the low sulfur lighting revealing a crowded parking lot in back of the building. His hands tightened on the steering wheel for a moment. It was time.
Morgan released her safety belt when he said, “We need to talk.”
When Jake’s voice lowered to that intimate growl, she couldn’t refuse to look at him. Her heart skidded in her breast. As Morgan turned and met his shadowy gaze, he placed one arm across the back of the seat, his hand less than an inch from her shoulder.
“What do you want to talk about?”
Jake compressed his lips. He moved his fingers lightly across her shoulder. It was the first time he’d touched her in two years. “There are some things we need to discuss. Get right between us. We’re going downrange tomorrow morning, and we have to be focused.”
“Yes,” she admitted, her flesh needy as his calloused fingers barely brushed her blouse. Though aching to kiss him, to rekindle what they’d had before, Morgan fought herself. Jake would walk away again, like he always did. “What do you want to talk about?”
“Us,” he said huskily, seeing confusion in her green eyes. “You’ve had an apology coming from me for nine years. Back when we were at Annapolis together. We were twenty years old then.”
His fingers came to rest on her shoulder, as if to steady her in some small way for what he was about to say. With a mix of anguish and uncertainty in his gray eyes, he was being vulnerable with her. The only time she’d ever seen him like this was when they’d made love.
�
�For what?” Morgan managed, her voice tight with defensiveness.
Taking an uneven breath, Jake plunged in. “Your miscarriage…”
Bowing her head, Morgan shut her eyes, unable to look at him. She’d not seen this one coming. Her heart squeezed with old pain. His fingers became more firm on her shoulder. Steadying. “What about it?” she said in a broken whisper.
“Neither of us wanted it to happen. It wasn’t anyone’s fault.” His mouth thinned, and Jake forced himself to go on. “Morgan, when you needed me the most, I wasn’t available.” He felt her tremble. “I’m sorry to bring this up, but I haven’t liked myself very much ever since it happened. I should have stayed at your side after I got the call from the hospital.”
Morgan went very still. He couldn’t even hear her breathing. He braced himself for her reaction, knowing he had coming whatever she wanted to throw back at him.
Hot tears slipped beneath her tightly shut eyes. As much as she tried, Morgan couldn’t control them. Jake moved his hand across her shoulder, as if to soothe away some of her raw pain. At least he wasn’t running now. So many emotions flooded her: the grief over the miscarriage, needing him to hold her in the aftermath, his absence.
She could feel Jake watching her in the thickening silence. She fought with everything she had not to cry.
Finally, Morgan lifted her hands and covered her face. She took several broken breaths. The past overwhelmed her. “I never expected you to say you were sorry,” she whispered bitterly. “Never.”
Jake wanted to touch her hair, to touch her. He wasn’t sure what Morgan would do if he tried. Pain moved through his chest. “I owe you the apology. I’m so damned sorry, Morgan. I’ve had a long time to think about my actions. I was dead wrong.” He did not expect her forgiveness. When she raised her head, turned and stared at him, her eyes were marred with darkness, and he felt as if he’d been gut punched.
“Let me fill you in,” she began hoarsely. “I was a twenty-year-old girl. You were my first and only lover. The doctor had me on the pill, which you knew. I was three months pregnant and didn’t even know it. I felt odd on some days, but I just shrugged it off as the stress everyone was under at Annapolis.” Morgan pushed tears angrily away from her cheeks. “It was February, Jake, and I contracted a horrible flu. I lay in my room with a one-hundred-andfive-degree fever. My roommate, Deanna, wanted to get me to the dispensary, but I refused. I was going to tough it out.”
His eyes narrowed. “I—didn’t know.”
“Deanna wanted to call you, but I said no. All you wanted was a good time, Jake. You just liked me in your bed. That was it. And God help me, I liked being there, too.” Morgan sniffed and went on in a robotlike tone. “Deanna left for a date. I was hallucinating, moving in and out of the fever. I thought I was going to die. I remember going to sleep. I woke up sometime later, maybe near midnight. I felt this awful, tearing pain in my womb, and I doubled over on my side, screaming. The next thing I knew, I had blood pouring out of me. At first, when I looked at myself, I thought I was having a bad nightmare. Deanna came back from her date and found me. She called 911. I remember just before I blacked out she held my hand, telling me the ambulance was on its way and not to die.”
Jake forced himself to hold her marred gaze. “You were taken to the hospital. I knew that much.” Her eyes grew sad as more tears slid down her face.
“I woke up in E.R. A doctor was there and she was very kind. She told me I’d miscarried my baby, that my high fever had caused it. She said I’d be okay. She also said I was on too low a dose of birth control pills and that was why I got pregnant. She gave me a new prescription to ever prevent that from happening again.” She sighed. “Physically, I was fine.”
“Damn,” he muttered, “I’m sorry, Morgan….”
“Deanna called you when I was in the hospital. She told you what happened.” Her words came out shredded with disbelief. “You never came. You told Deanna you had other important things going on and couldn’t make it. I left the hospital the next morning feeling hollow, feeling lost.” She held Jake’s guilt-ridden gaze. “I needed you, Jake. That was our baby! On the way back to Annapolis, I figured out why you refused to see me. You thought by me being pregnant, I would become like an anchor around your feet like your chronically ill mother had been, someone you had to take care of for the rest of your life.” Her fingers trembled as she wiped the tears from her face. “You didn’t want a pregnant girlfriend. You weren’t going to get trapped by another weak, sick woman, were you?”
Sitting back, Jake removed his hand from her shoulder, a mass of grief and misery overwhelming him. Morgan looked like he felt. “It was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made,” he managed, his voice low with apology. “I shouldn’t have abandoned you, Morgan. And I did.”
She sat there stiffly, struggling to grapple with all her grief and put it in a box once again, deep down inside herself. Jake’s gray eyes were stormy-looking, filled with remorse. Now that he had finally apologized nine years too late, it didn’t make her feel as good as she thought it would. If anything, she saw an answering grief in his expression. How would he know what it was like to lose a baby?
“The only reason you’re apologizing now,” Morgan said in a quavering tone, “is because we’re going downrange tomorrow. You don’t want anything to make us lose our edge.” She leaned against the car door, as far away from him as she could get. He withdrew his arm from the top of the seat. As Jake lifted his gaze, she could see how miserable he was over her story.
“No,” he rasped, his voice tight with emotion. “Whether you believe me or not, Morgan, I’ve matured since our last encounter.” His eyes grew dark with sorrow. “I’ve carried this guilt over my actions toward you. As much as you believe I didn’t care, I did.” Jake’s mouth tightened. “This was a chance for me to tell you to your face, I am sorry. I was screwed up, Morgan. This doesn’t excuse my choices. I wish in some way I could make up for it, but I know I can never do that.” He held up his hands. “I just wanted to be honest with you, Morgan, because I never was before.”
Morgan absorbed his admission. The silence thickened between them.
“At least you’re finally being emotionally honest. That’s new.”
Wincing internally, Jake sighed. “Morgan, I hope I’ve matured a little bit more.”
His gaze fell to her abdomen covered by the pink skirt. She’d held their child in her body. Their baby. Misery drifted through Jake in a new and unfamiliar way. He’d already lost his son, Joshua. This new grief hit him doubly hard. He’d made so many mistakes with her. “I thought you didn’t want a family until you were thirty or so?”
“That’s true, but when I accidentally got pregnant, I knew I’d want to have the baby,” she muttered defiantly.
“So you would… Would you have kept the baby?”
“In a heartbeat, Jake.” Morgan stared at him. “And if I hadn’t miscarried, that baby would be mine, not yours. You weren’t ready to settle down. You didn’t want to marry me or be responsible for what we created.”
Mouth thinning, Jake tried to absorb her icy anger. “You’re right. I wasn’t ready to settle down.” He would now, but it was far too late.
“Well, things got handled differently,” Morgan said, her voice quavering. “We were both set free to pursue our military careers.”
“Damn,” he whispered, holding her gaze, “I wish…I wish I could go back and change what I did to you. You didn’t deserve it, Morgan.”
She grew quiet. Morgan held on to an even bigger secret. One that Jake would never, ever know about. When they’d had a brief affair two years ago, fate had intervened once again, even with protection. This time, she’d left her team and gone stateside. Emma Boland had been born with black hair and gray eyes, the spitting image of her father. Morgan didn’t dare tell Jake since he might prove twice that he wasn’t ready to be with her. Protectively, she placed her hand across her abdomen. “Don’t try. You cut and run when things get serious rela
tionship-wise.”
“I don’t have a good track record with you, Morgan.” Feeling sad, Jake added, “That was then. This is now.”
Shaking her head, Morgan opened the door and climbed out of the car. “I’ll see you at 0600, Jake. I’m done going over the past with you. Thanks for the apology.” She slammed the door shut and walked off.
Sitting alone in the car, Jake wrestled with so many damned emotions. His SEAL father had died in combat that very evening when Morgan needed him the most. Jake was overwhelmed with paperwork because he was the executor of his father’s will. He’d been at the personnel office wrestling with so many decisions, funeral arrangements and his own grief; he couldn’t handle Morgan’s plea to come to the hospital, too. It wasn’t an excuse. Jake knew he’d been too young, made some bad decisions on that night. If he’d had it to do all over again, he’d have gone to see Morgan, regardless.
As he rubbed his jaw, the prickle of beard against his calloused fingers, his conscience ate at him. In the SEAL community, family, wife and children were just as important as the operators out in the field to the command structure.
SEAL ethos set the family as much of a priority as they did the men going downrange. Studying the light and dark shadows across the parking lot, Jake realized it had been SEAL culture that finally had brought him back into the fold. Made it possible for him to stop running away from relationships. He’d met Amanda and fallen in love with her at twenty-three years old. He’d spent six months in Afghanistan and arrived home just in time to be there for the birth of his son, Joshua.
Jake shut his eyes, remembering the loss of his wife and baby two weeks later to a car accident. He couldn’t share his past with Morgan. It wouldn’t be right under the circumstances. He understood as never before what it was like to lose his child. Just as she’d felt the devastating loss with the miscarriage that he’d run away from. What a mess. All of it his own doing.
Down Range (Mills & Boon M&B) (Shadow Warriors - Book 2) Page 5
