by Jae
“Shouting? Who’s shouting?”
Laleh sighed and gave up. They’d had this conversation a thousand times before. Her mother always seemed to think she had to raise her voice to be heard over the phone.
“I went by the restaurant, but Nasrin said you took the day off and tomorrow too. Are you all right?”
“I’m fine.” Laleh massaged the bridge of her nose. She had hoped to avoid questions by not mentioning her weekend trip. While she hadn’t actively lied, she had let them believe she was working this weekend, as she always did. But with her family, assuming her parents wouldn’t hear about it had probably been wishful thinking.
“I rang the doorbell about twenty times. When you didn’t open, I let myself in with my key, but you weren’t home. I thought something might have happened.”
“I’m fine, Maman,” she said again.
“Where are you?” Her mother raised her voice another notch.
Laleh took a deep breath, but even the crisp mountain air couldn’t help her now. “I’m at a cabin in the Lake Arrowhead area.”
For the first time in as long as Laleh could remember, her mother was silent.
“Maman?”
“What are you doing in the middle of the woods, all alone?” A note of panic crept into her mother’s tone.
“I’m not alone.” As soon as she’d said it, she bit her lip, knowing what would come next.
“Oh. So you…you’re there with…with a man? A man we haven’t even met?” her mother squeaked out in alarm. “What on earth were you thinking? He could be a killer or a rapist for all you know!”
“No, Maman. Calm down. I…”
Hope chose that very moment to step out of the cabin. She walked toward the car and unloaded their suitcases without glancing in Laleh’s direction.
But her feelings gave her away; she wasn’t as uninterested in the phone call as she pretended to be.
Laleh swallowed. She wasn’t ready to tell her mother why she was here with Hope the weekend after Valentine’s Day, but she couldn’t bring herself to deny Hope completely. “I’m here with Hope.”
Her mother was silent for a moment before tsking. “How do you expect to ever find yourself a husband if you spend all your time with your friends? Friends who don’t seem interested in finding a husband either.” Another disapproving tsk drifted through the phone.
“Maman…” Laleh squeezed her eyes shut. She didn’t want a husband. She wanted Hope. But how could she ever tell her mother that? The mere thought of what would happen if her family found out made her stomach twist itself into knots. Her parents wouldn’t understand.
“Talk to me, Laleh joon,” her mother said. “What is going on with you? You keep to yourself a lot lately. You don’t tell me things anymore. Going off for a weekend in the wilderness without telling me about it… That’s not like you.”
“I… I just…” Her knees trembled, and she sank onto the worn planks of the patio.
Hope set down the suitcases and crouched next to her, whispering, “Are you okay?”
Laleh nodded, even though she knew Hope could feel the truth. She put her hand on Hope’s arm to anchor herself. “I just need a little space,” she finally said into the phone.
“Space?” Her mother sounded as if Laleh had slapped her. “From me?”
Laleh put her elbow on her knee and covered her face with her free hand. The hurt in her mother’s voice sliced through her heart.
A warm hand settled on the back of her head and rubbed gently.
Laleh leaned into the touch. “I feel like I’m finally finding myself.”
“Finding yourself?” Her mother seemed to be reduced to echoing her statements. “What is there to find? Surely you know who you are.”
“That’s what I thought, but I feel like I have gotten to know myself a lot better in the last few months.”
“And that means you can’t talk to your parents anymore?” her mother asked. “Laleh, we’re part of who you are.”
“I know. I just… It’s complicated. Can we talk about this later? We just arrived and haven’t even unpacked yet.”
“All right. But please call me tomorrow and let me know how you are doing. There are no bears where you are, are there?”
“No, Maman. No bears,” Laleh said, even though she actually had no clue what kind of wildlife might be hiding in the forest. Bears were the least of her concerns right now. “I’ll call tomorrow. Khodafez.”
Her mother said good-bye too and ended the call.
Laleh let the phone drop to her lap and slowly looked over at Hope. “I’m sorry.”
“You didn’t tell them you were going away for the weekend?” Hope’s voice was carefully neutral, without judgment, but their link revealed that Laleh’s lie of omission had hurt her.
Struggling not to avert her gaze, she shook her head. “I didn’t want them to spoil it. But I guess now they did anyway.”
Hope put her arm around her. “Nonsense. Nothing is spoiled. But the fact that you’ve kept it a secret… It makes me wonder.” She peeked at Laleh and then stared straight ahead into the forest. “Do you think you’ll ever tell them about us?”
“Of course. I mean, I have to, sooner or later, don’t I?” Okay, that sounded less than reassuring.
A mask settled over Hope’s face, and the constant stream of emotions through their link slowed, as if she was trying to hold back her feelings from Laleh. “You don’t have to do anything,” she said stiffly.
“That’s not true. I’ll have to tell them eventually. I really want us…our relationship to work out. I don’t think of it as my dirty little secret, but the thought of telling my parents makes me break out in a sweat.” Laleh rubbed her forehead. “I know I’m a coward. I just never thought I’d be in this situation.”
“Having to come out as a lesbian…or as someone who’s in a lesbian relationship?”
“That too. But I meant having to disappoint my parents once again. After putting my foot down about not going to college and instead working at the restaurant, I thought I could at least make my parents proud of my personal life.”
“So you think they’ll take it badly?”
“I know they will. They aren’t prepared for this. They grew up in a country where being gay is illegal—and not just a minor offense. You can be sentenced to death for it.”
A deep line carved itself between Hope’s brows. “Your family…they’re not going to do something stupid, are they?”
“You mean like trying to kill you to defend my honor?” A weak smile tugged on Laleh’s lips. “No. Nothing like that. More like a lot of crying and lamenting.”
“Sounds like what most parents do when they find out their child is gay.”
“Yeah, but we’re Persians. We’re not exactly known for being mellow and laid-back where family is concerned. The crying and lamenting could last for a long, long time. Possibly forever.” The back of her throat burned, and she swallowed heavily. In a low voice, she added, “I don’t want to lose them.”
Hope’s arm around her tightened. A wave of anxiety swept over Laleh through their link, threatening to pull her under. “If it would be easier for you not to be with—”
Laleh turned and pressed her mouth to Hope’s, because she wanted to and because it was the fastest way to shut her up. She didn’t want Hope to think for a second that she would abandon her. “No,” she whispered against her lips. And then, more firmly, “No. I’m not going to give you up.”
A shaky breath escaped Hope, washing over Laleh’s lips. “Come on. Let’s go inside before the bears get us.”
Laleh forced a smile and allowed Hope to pull her up and inside the cabin.
* * *
For once, it was Laleh who held her stomach after dinner. “Oh, that was good.”
Hope chuckled and reached over to comb a strand of midnight dark hair back behind Laleh’s ear. “I might not be the greatest cook, but I can grill with the best of them.”
Laleh s
lid closer to her on the couch and leaned her head against Hope’s shoulder. “I’d give you a star if I could.”
The flames in the wood-burning fireplace crackled. They hadn’t bothered to turn on any other light; just the moon shone down on them through the skylight in the cross-beam ceiling.
“Well, if you can’t hand out stars, how about a kiss?” Hope asked.
Laleh turned to face her and handed out that reward without any hesitation. The kiss started slowly, gently, with only their lips caressing each other, but when Hope nipped at Laleh’s bottom lip and then traced it with her tongue, things quickly turned passionate.
Their tongues slid against each other. Laleh tasted like the wine they’d had for dinner, rich and intoxicating. More. A moan vibrated through Hope—hers or Laleh’s; she wasn’t sure.
Laleh shifted on the couch until she was straddling her and framed Hope’s face with her warm palms, drawing her closer still, deepening the kiss.
Hope’s head was spinning. With some difficulty, she took her mouth from Laleh’s, pulled the curtain of hair away from Laleh’s neck, and tasted the warm skin below her ear.
Groaning, Laleh raked her fingers down Hope’s shoulders and tilted her head back as if to give her more access. The movement pressed her full breasts against Hope’s.
A jolt of pleasure coursed down Hope’s body, flowed through their link, and was then reflected back to her. She was on overload. “God, you make my head swim.”
Laleh didn’t answer. She seemed to be beyond speech.
Not that Hope needed words. She felt every little thing Laleh felt, and it made her eager to try to elicit a new reaction. She nibbled on Laleh’s earlobe, at the same time skimming her hands down her sides. God, she wanted to feel her skin and taste her…everywhere.
Slow. Slow down! She had promised not to rush things this weekend, and she would keep that promise, even if it killed her.
But Laleh wasn’t helping. She sought Hope’s mouth in a hungry kiss.
Somehow, Hope’s hands found their way beneath Laleh’s shirt. So soft. So hot. She fanned her fingers out to both sides of Laleh’s spine, trembling in an effort not to slide them around and cup her breasts.
Or maybe Laleh was the one trembling.
Laleh’s low moan seemed to urge her to keep going, and Hope wanted nothing more. But not here. Not like this. Just because Laleh was eager to explore a little didn’t mean she wanted to go all the way. Hope struggled through the fog of desire and finally managed to break away. Breathing heavily, she stared into Laleh’s passion-hazed eyes.
“What…?” Laleh blinked as if she had trouble focusing her eyes. “What was that?”
“That,” Hope paused to clear her throat so she could speak without sounding like a phone sex operator, “was a kiss worthy of a five-star meal.”
Laleh traced the spot on her neck that Hope had kissed.
God, that was so damn sexy. Hope immediately wanted to kiss that spot again. She really deserved a medal for her restraint. Oh yeah. The medal of valor on the battlefield of sexual abstinence. The thought made her chuckle, and the haze slowly lifted from her brain. She realized her hands were beneath Laleh’s shirt. Okay, maybe the medal should be a minor one. Reluctantly, she withdrew her hands.
“What?” Laleh slid off Hope’s lap. Her kiss-swollen lips curved up, echoing Hope’s smile, but a bit of insecurity filtered through their link. “What’s so funny about this?”
Hope squeezed her hand. “I’m not laughing at you. I would never laugh at someone who can kiss me breathless.”
“Are there many candidates that fit that description?” Laleh asked. A faint grin played around her lips, but Hope sensed that her answer mattered to Laleh.
“Just one,” Hope said, no longer smiling. Too late she realized that it sounded almost like a declaration of love. It felt like one, and that was scary. It was like negotiating for the Persian rug. Letting Laleh know she had fallen in love with her would mean handing over all the power, including the power to hurt her. What if Laleh didn’t say it back because she still didn’t trust her feelings? She pushed up from the couch and pulled Laleh up with her. “Come on. I’ll take you upstairs.”
Laleh’s fingers twitched in her own.
A mix of renewed desire and nervousness hit Hope through their link. She laughed. “Get your mind out of the gutter. I’m talking about accompanying you to the bedroom door, where I’ll kiss you good night and then sleep on the couch like the gentlewoman I am.”
Laleh’s blush made her smile.
They walked to the bedroom hand in hand, never letting go, even though navigating the narrow set of wooden stairs side by side wasn’t easy. In front of the bedroom door, they paused and looked into each other’s eyes.
“So,” Hope said. “Thank you for a wonderful evening. I hope you sleep well.”
“No,” Laleh said.
Hope blinked. “You don’t think you’ll be able to sleep?”
Nervousness radiated off Laleh in waves. “I don’t want to go to sleep. And I don’t want you on the sofa.” She lowered her gaze to the floor for a moment. When she looked up again, her pupils were so large that her eyes appeared black. “I want you to make love to me.”
A groan wrenched from Hope’s throat. She swayed. “Laleh…” Why the heck was she holding back? Why wasn’t she shoving that door open, tossing Laleh down on the bed, and making love to her for the rest of the weekend? I promised. But if she was honest with herself, it was as much for herself as for Laleh. It was the physical intimacy that made Laleh nervous, but for her, it was the emotional one. She was awfully close to losing her heart, and if they crossed that final barrier and made love, there would be no going back.
“You don’t want that?” Laleh searched her face. She could probably feel Hope’s hesitancy.
“God, yes, I want it. I want you.” Desire pushed Hope’s fears to the back of her mind. “But…I thought you weren’t ready.”
“I thought so too, but really, what am I waiting for? For me to be less nervous? For my family to accept you? For an answer to the question whether my feelings for you are caused by our connection?” Laleh shook her head. “We might have to wait forever. I know what I feel for you, and it doesn’t matter anymore where it’s coming from. I think I need to take a leap of faith.” She drew a deep breath. “And I realized I’m ready for that because I trust you. And also because…”
Hope gripped Laleh’s hand more tightly. So much emotion pulsed through their link that she felt as if her heart was overflowing. She tensed, half hoping, half fearing Laleh was about to say what she thought she would say.
“Because I love you,” Laleh said in a quiet, breathless whisper.
Hope had suspected it…had sensed it, really, but hearing the words still made her heart hammer with happiness—and with nervousness. Because now the right thing to do was to say it back. In all her thirty-one years, she had never told another woman that she loved her. Not since her mother and that was different, of course. Blood roared through her ears. Come on. You can do this. For Laleh. Slowly, she opened her mouth.
Laleh lifted her free hand and touched her fingers to Hope’s lips before she could say it. “Don’t. Not because you think you have to say it. There’s no rush and no deadline on this either,” she repeated what Hope had said to her last week.
Hope closed her mouth and nodded. Maybe she didn’t need to say it after all. If even half of what she felt made it through their link, Laleh would feel very loved anyway. And she could show her by worshipping every inch of her body—repeatedly.
Renewed arousal pulsed through her veins. With trembling fingers, she opened the door.
Hand in hand, they stepped into the bedroom.
* * *
The cabin’s bedroom was small, all wood and warm colors. Hope had been the one to take up the suitcases earlier, so Laleh hadn’t seen it yet, but now she was too nervous and too focused on Hope to take in the details.
Still holding her
hand, Hope tugged her across the room, switched on the lamp on the bedside table, and turned off the overhead light. Now the intimate glow from the single lamp surrounded them, shutting out everything beyond that circle of light.
They stood next to the bed, holding hands and gazing at each other.
“Don’t be nervous,” Hope whispered. She lifted Laleh’s hand to her mouth and kissed the palm. “We won’t do anything you don’t want.”
“I know. That’s not what’s making me nervous. It’s just… This means something. It means everything to me.”
“To me too,” Hope said, her voice rough with emotion. She kissed each of her fingers, the tenderness so evident in every single touch that Laleh didn’t need their link to sense it.
Hope’s eyes appeared aquamarine in this light, and they seemed to draw her in. She stepped closer until she felt the heat of Hope’s body.
Their mouths came together, and Hope kissed her slowly, unhurriedly. Their tongues brushed against each other in languid caresses. Hope wound her arms around Laleh’s hips and pulled her against her body, all without interrupting the kiss.
Laleh’s heart started to pound, and her excitement was echoed back at her through their connection. She delighted in running her fingers through Hope’s hair to make it even more disheveled.
Hope trailed her hands over Laleh’s back, first exploring the contours of her shoulders, then sliding them along her sides. Her fingertips skimmed the outer curves of Laleh’s breasts.
A moan vibrated through them both.
Laleh clutched Hope’s shoulders to stay on her feet. God, if this fleeting touch already made her sway, how would it be to feel Hope skin to skin?
“I want to feel you against me,” Hope whispered against her lips.
It was like an echo of Laleh’s own needs. “Yes,” was all she could get out.
Hope reached down, tugged the T-shirt from her own jeans, and lifted it up over her head.
It dropped to the floor, but Laleh didn’t spare it a thought. She was too busy drinking in Hope. Her skin was paler than Laleh’s own, and the outlines of her nipples were visible through the fabric of her white bra.
