With that, Joe walked away.
Which is exactly what Kayne needed to do with Jessica. Walk away. God knew he sure as hell wasn't good enough. But good God. Gracie, who looked so much like his deceased daughter, was an infant found at an accident scene about the time his infant disappeared. Was he crazy to even imagine the possibility?
EIGHT
Wednesday went by without a word from Jessica, then Thursday, and still nothing. Kayne tried to convince himself he was happy about her distance. After all, he'd made the decision to stay away from her. But damn if he didn't feel like he'd lost something important. He liked her. He felt drawn to her, which was dangerous for both of them. It took everything in him to not turn into her driveway every time he passed by her house, which he did several times during an average shift.
He'd enjoyed spending time with her kids too, he admitted. Sure it made him feel raw, rubbed over wounds that would never heal, but try as he might, he couldn't get them off his mind. Gracie especially. And he'd done some checking. With Arizona's sealed records laws, he only had two ways to find out who Gracie really was. One involved cops and lawyers and a court and him looking like a fool—a crazy one at that—or the other option was spending time with Jessica and trying to learn about Gracie's past that way.
Deep down, he knew it was crazy to hold out hope that Tasha was still alive after all this time, or that he'd accidentally stumbled upon her. But his mind wouldn't let the possibility go. So, when Friday afternoon rolled around and Jess still hadn't tried to contact him, Kayne threw in the towel. He'd have to be the one to make a move.
Twenty minutes later, Kayne pulled onto the cobblestone drive, circled the fountain, and parked in front of the three-story mansion that served as both an event center and a residence for Jessica and her children. Seeing the white tent as he drove in reminded him that Jessica was catering some type of brunch tomorrow.
He hadn’t taken time to appreciate the house the last time he was here, and he did so now. The place was truly beautiful with its granite façade and battlement topped towers. It sat in a large meadow atop a slight rise, surrounded by native flowers and vegetation. While a place like this could never fit in to a small town like Payson, the builders had done everything they could to make it blend in with the landscape.
Gracie and Isabelle answered the door moments after Kayne rang the bell. “Kayne, Kayne! Up, up up!”
He dutifully picked Gracie up hugging her close, feeling his lungs expand, drawing in his first full breath in days. “Hey, ‘Sabella.” He smiled, crouching to her level. He gently brushed his hand across her baby fine hair and kissed her forehead. “Where's Mama?” He was surprised they'd answered the door alone.
“I'm right here.” Jessica stood in the edge of the shadows, a phone to her ear.
“Mind if I come in?” The fact that he was already in the foyer made it kind of a moot point. Still, he felt he should ask.
“I'm kind of busy.” She sounded angry. He probably deserved that after the way he'd treated her Tuesday.
Before he could say anything, she tuned back into her phone conversation. “Yes, I'm still here.” She listened for a moment, and then the conversation became heated. Perhaps some of her anger wasn't directed at him. That was good, right?
“That's just not going to work.” She paused. “I use you guys because you don't make these types of mistakes. I have to have the stuff tonight. No, I will not accept a credit!”
When Maddy walked up and leaned into his side, Kayne hugged her. Damn, he was going to have to talk to Jessica about how friendly her kids were with strangers. “What's going on?”
“A food delivery got lost, and it's stuff Mama needs for the brunch tomorrow.”
“Obviously I'm gonna have to drive down and pick it up. Can someone have it ready when I get there?” Jess asked. There was another long pause. “There’s no way I can make it by five, especially through rush hour. Someone’s going to have to wait around. This is your mistake after all.”
Go Jessica. He liked her fiery side. It was so much better than what he’d witnessed Tuesday. Kayne looked down at Maddy. “Where is this place?”
“South Phoenix. I only ever went once. Uncle Cody was supposed to go and get stuff, but got called to a fire, so Mama ended up having to go and took us with her.”
Kayne's hackles went up at Maddy’s mention of the belligerent hose-monkey.
“Maddy, take everyone upstairs to get their shoes on,” Jessica whispered.
Maddy nodded. She eyed Gracie, who’d wrapped her little arms around Kayne’s neck, then walked away shaking her head. “I’ll bring her shoes down.”
Jessica made a comical mad face at Gracie, who giggled in response. “No, I'm still here. I know where it is. You have the list in front of you, right? You can have it all ready? Okay, I'm on my way.”
Jessica ended the call and blew out a heavy sigh. “Kayne, I'm sorry, I really have to go. My assistant is sick and so is Polly. I have to find a babysitter for tomorrow morning, and now these idiots didn't process my order, so I have to drive clear down to...” She paused then rattled off an address.
“Whoa! First off, you are not going down to that neighborhood by yourself after dark.” It was a bad part of Phoenix even in broad daylight.
“I don't have a choice! Besides, I know how to take care of myself.”
“Yes, you do, but you're still not going. Give me the address and the keys. You can stay here and do the other things you need to. And forget about a babysitter. I'll watch the kids tomorrow.”
“I don't need your help. I don't want it!”
“Gracie, go ask Maddy to change you. I smell a wet diaper.” Kayne sat the toddler down.
Gracie wrinkled her nose in disgust and scampered off.
Once he was sure they were alone, Kayne turned to Jessica. “I'm sorry about the other day. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”
“I just...it was...I didn't think about it being the exact same place, and then I saw the firemen...and for a second, I thought…” She shrugged helplessly.
“I know, short-stuff. I'm so sorry the deputy let you through.” Kayne understood what she was trying to say. She'd seen one of the firemen and thought, for just one second in time, she was seeing Jarred standing there. He'd done it a hundred times himself. Caught a glimpse of someone with the same hair color, or some other feature as Oksana or one of his kids. Every time, his chest would constrict and butterflies would ricochet through his gut before logic took hold. His heart would lodge in his throat, knowing he'd held their dead bodies, and buried them in the ground side by side. Hell, he felt it every time he saw Gracie. Gracie, the reason he was here.
***
Jess nodded and looked away. Crap she wanted to be mad at him. She wanted to tell him to quit wasting his time and leave her the hell alone before he broke her heart. Which she knew from experience was exactly what someone like him would do.
“I know you don't need my help, but I'd like to help.”
Jess had surmised that Kayne was lonely. It seemed he'd isolated himself from the world after his family died. Who could blame him? She knew firsthand what it felt like to lose someone who mattered so much that the pain never went away.
As the week passed, and she hadn't heard from him though, she got angry. Then she was glad, because she really didn't want anyone in her life, even a little bit. She hated that she would find herself thinking about him, or turn the scanner up a little bit louder when she knew he was working. She'd picked up the phone a dozen times to call, but thankfully stopped herself in time.
“Do you have stuff to do while I'm gone, or would you like to ride along?”
“I have so much to do.” She had no idea how she was going to get everything done, even without having to go to Phoenix. Especially with the kids under foot. This wasn’t the time to have Polly and her assistant sick.
As if reading her mind, Kayne said, “I’ll take the kids. You work on what you need to here.”
/> “Kayne, I can't ask you to do that.”
“You didn't, I offered. I want to.”
“Please be careful with them.” She’d worry about her children no matter who they were with.
“Never doubt that I'd give my life, without hesitation, to keep them safe.”
Jess read the sincerity and determination in Kayne’s eyes and truly believed he meant every word. She helped get the kids ready and out the door. Once alone in her kitchen, her thoughts traveled a dark road. She knew the death of his children ate at his soul. She could see the failure he felt in his eyes. Jessica laid her hand over her now useless womb. She of all people knew what it felt like to lose the most precious person in life.
“Hey, you okay?”
Jess gasped and spun around. She hadn't heard Kayne walk back in. With Maddy by his side, no less. God, how long had he been standing there?
“What's wrong?” she asked skirting his question.
Kayne studied her for a moment through slightly narrowed eyes. “Maddy wants to stay and help, is that okay?”
Jess squinted at her daughter. “You don't want to go?”
Maddy shook her head.
Jess wondered what was going on, but figured she'd find out once it was just the two of them. “Go put your shoes up and get an old shirt on.”
Maddy nodded and took off.
Or she could ask Kayne. “What’s going on?”
“She just wants you to herself. She says it rarely happens.”
Now that she thought about it, Jess couldn’t remember the last time she’d spent alone with Maddy. “I know Kayne, it's—”
Kayne stopped her by placing a finger over her mouth. “Shh. I'm not judging. ” He trailed that finger over her lips, caressed her check with the back of his knuckles. Forget butterflies, there was a convention of Samba dancers in her stomach.
“I'm simply telling you what's on her mind.” He pushed her hair back and placed a soft kiss on her temple. “I think you're a wonderful mom,” he said, his lips brushing her cheek. “You're doing a great job.”
Then he kissed first one corner, then the other, of her mouth. And finally, oh God, finally his lips touched hers. A gentle back and forth caress first, and then he settled his lips on hers. He shaped the kiss, his lips firm and full, warm and moist. His lips grew bolder as she opened beneath them.
He pulled back for a moment, those knuckles caressing her cheek again as he searched her face. Before she could gather her thoughts, his lips descended again, this time all but devouring her. Shocked by a heat she'd never felt before, she put up no resistance. A firestorm tore through her body, singeing everything in its path. She moaned when her nipples puckered painfully hard and felt a deep growl rumble through his chest in response.
Kayne wove his fingers though her hair, cradled the back of her head, and deepened the kiss, sucking every drop of breath out of her already deprived lungs. His tongue caressed her lips before plunging deep to mate with hers, coaxing her to respond. She did so willingly.
She'd never responded this way to Jarred. Jarred never kissed you like this.
“God, Jessica, I—”
Kayne never finished the thought. As suddenly as he'd taken her in his arms, he let go. He took a huge step back, putting the counter between them, still gasping for breath as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. It took a second to realize Maddy was whistling as she came bounding down the back stairs.
Good heavens! What was wrong with her? She'd forgotten Maddy was in the house, and the other children were waiting in the Tahoe. She'd forgotten everything but Kayne.
“You girls have fun.” Kayne paused at the door, raking lust-filled eyes across Jess's body. Hello, were the damn ovens on already? Talk about spontaneous combustion.
***
Kayne shook his head in disbelief. What had he been thinking? More like, what had he been thinking with? He'd only intended to chase those dark shadows from Jessica’s eyes, and he'd ended up mere moments away from fucking her right there on the kitchen counter. In fact, if Maddy had taken another five minutes, she might have walked in on the crescendo, he'd been that close to losing control.
He could not afford that type of involvement. He had nothing to give her. Them, he amended, glancing in the rear-view mirror.
God, he was driving down the highway with a Tahoe full of kids, listening to a children's hip-hop sing-along CD. Gracie was kicking the back of his seat to the beat of the music and loudly singing off-key. Ash played a hand-held video game, and Isabelle was talking to her imaginary friend, who Kayne had learned was always buckled into the front passenger seat before they left the garage. He took a deep breath and slowly let it out.
If his parents could see him now, they'd be in heaven. To Kayne, it felt closer to hell. Every time he looked at Gracie, he saw Natalia. A part of him died a little more when he realized this was what it could have been like. Should have been like. If Oksana had only spared his children.
It made him sick to think of the fear they must have suffered in those moments before they died. And where the fuck had he been? Working overtime so that he could pay for daycare and avoid his wife. Sure, she'd been acting differently. Better. Or so he'd thought. Still, he'd placed his kids right into the hands of a mentally unstable woman who'd murdered them.
Kayne glanced at Gracie in his rear-view mirror. She had the same chocolate curls, the same sky blue eyes that Natalia had inherited from Oksana, and though Tasha had been so very young, he knew she would have looked just like her mother and sister too. There was so much of Gracie's personality that was like Natalia's too, but maybe that was just because of Gracie's age. He honestly didn't know, and needed to find out. He needed to know about the accident and where Gracie had come from. How had she been the only survivor in a car crash, and why hadn't another family member stepped in to claim her? And a thousand other questions he couldn't even begin to contemplate.
Somehow, he needed to get answers without hurting anyone in the process. Other than himself, that was. He knew it was going to hurt like hell when—if—he found out that the precious little girl happily rocking out wasn't his missing daughter. If he handled it well, he could quietly slip back out of their life without anyone knowing he'd ever had an agenda.
So what the hell was he supposed to do about Jessica? He'd never felt that much need for someone, been so consumed he forgot where he was or who was around. All he'd been able to think about was getting inside her. No finesse, no foreplay, just raw, fuck her against the wall, S-E-X. And wouldn't that impress the hell out of her?
Shit, he needed to get laid.
It had been months since he'd had sex and years since he'd had any desire to make love to a woman. Hell, he wasn’t sure he’d ever made love, even to his wife.
Barely eighteen, Oksana had emigrated from Russia to escape a violently changing political climate. Embroiled in a coup, her father had begged Kayne, the son of a childhood friend, to marry Oksana while he still held the power to get her out of harm’s way. What should have been a flat out no, turned into a reluctant yes when Kayne learned that she'd be married off to a man almost twice his own age if he refused. A man Kayne's department had been investigating for ties to organized crime activity.
Her beauty had taken his breath away, but she'd been spoiled and selfish—and lost. For nearly six months, she'd cried herself to sleep at night over her lost homeland. It had taken another six months to consummate their marriage.
And only because she'd confronted him, convinced that their separate bedrooms and his extensive overtime meant he was having an affair; that he was in love with someone else. But it didn't, and he wasn't. He wasn't in love with Oksana either, and though he hadn't said the words, she'd seen the truth reflected in his eyes. She'd fled to her room sobbing, and he'd escaped into a bottle of whiskey, trying to drown his guilt, knowing he was about to break his vows by ending a marriage that had failed before it ever began.
Yet, somewhere in the middle of the ni
ght she'd crawled into bed with him, and the only thing his inebriated brain cared about was that he hadn't had sex in over a year. The events of that night were still hazy, but he knew he'd fucked her, and in turn, himself. For weeks he'd prayed that she wasn't pregnant, but that prayer had gone unanswered, and nine months later, his son Niki was born.
By the time Niki was six months old, Oksana was pregnant with Natalia and suffering from depression. But it wasn't until after a condom failure gave them Natasha that Kayne finally accepted that the life he'd hoped for would never be. He’d made the best of a bad situation because of his children and stayed the hell away from her.
After the murders, he'd been too fucked up in the head to be intimate with anyone. When the need became too great, when he got sick and tired of his own hand, he sought out a willing partner for a no strings fuck—mutually satisfying unemotional sex, no cuddling, no endearing words, no promises or repeats. Deep down, he knew Jessica wouldn't agree to something like that, and if he was honest with himself, he couldn't have unemotional sex with her. Merely being in her presence stirred up too many feelings. So where did that leave them?
The simple answer was nowhere. God, he was losing it. Time to forget about Jessica. You keep saying that, his inner voice mocked, and then you change your mind.
***
Once again, the night found Kayne sitting on the couch staring at the whiskey and his service weapon. For the first time, he wasn't tempted to touch either of them. He clicked on the TV and started flipping channels to fight off sleep, certain that he'd be bombarded with nightmares. But when he did sleep, when he did dream, it wasn't nightmares that haunted his sleep, but rather a beautiful moment in time.
He was holding a brand new, red-faced, slimy wet, and mad as hell baby girl. At first he didn't know which baby he was holding, and then he saw the birthmark. A crescent moon just above her right ear. Tasha.
Razing Kayne Page 7
