by Claire McNab
His pleasure at my suggestion made it obvious I'd made a serious error of judgment — the last thing I should be doing was encouraging him. "Alexandra, such a pity. I've several urgent calls to make. But we'll all get together later."
The drive to the Olgas took less than an hour. I was last onto the bus and so took the only vacant seat next to a stranger. Our guide, a cheerful Aboriginal man who looked as spare and resilient as the desert vegetation he was describing, pointed out the huge clumps of needle-sharp spinifex grass, the striking orange-flowered grevillea shrubs, bloodwoods, mulga and desert oak.
My spirits lifted when we approached the eight square miles of fantasy that were the Olgas. To me the rounded shapes of the thirty-five or so huge rock domes scattered in a semi-circle around a central valley are beguilingly feminine, although the Aboriginal name Katatjuta has the prosaic meaning of "many heads." As old as Ayers Rock, they're made of an entirely different material — a conglomerate that includes boulders, sand and pebbles, all bound together like a cake mix. Like the Rock, they change in color during the day, turning to deepest purple in the late afternoon. Now, in mid-morning, they were a soft violet-pink.
"They remind me of gigantic stone puddings," I said to Tony as we began our trek from the car park through the Olga Gorge towards the Valley of the Winds.
It was a beautiful morning to be walking under the gaze of the towering globes. The metallic heat of the sun was tempered by a gentle breeze, a wedge-tailed eagle spiraled overhead on a thermal updraft, and on a slope above us two red kangaroos rested on their muscular tails and regarded our party with wide, soft eyes.
As someone exclaimed over a ferocious-looking thorny devil sunbaking on a rock, Tony took my arm. "I need to talk to you."
We waited until the others had passed us and we could bring up the rear. I took off my sunglasses. "A problem with work?"
"No, not exactly. It's what I was discussing with Lee on the flight to Alice Springs."
Thinking of the way he'd dismissed me at the airport when I'd raised the subject, I said tartly, "So what's decided you to let me in on the secret?"
"Lee has."
I waited. It was hot, and Tony stopped to mop his flushed face. Then he said, "This is confidential."
"Of course."
"Well, although it's going to sound impossibly dramatic, the fact is... Steve's trying to blackmail me. I don't mean for money — it's more subtle than that. It's for preference in promotion. He's after the Asian job and he knows Sir Frederick will consult with me about it. He's demanding that I recommend he gets it."
My astonishment didn't show in my voice. I said coolly, "What's he got on you?"
He let his breath out in a long sigh. "I'm gay."
"But you've been married..." It was a stupid thing to say. I'd been married, too.
Tony obviously shared my view. Anger washed across his face. "Of all people, Alex, you should know how little that could mean."
Seeing my expression change, he added quickly, "No one told me — I already knew."
"How?”
"Relax, the others don't know. It was little things, they all added up. And I saw you once, in a gay bar..." He gave a short, bitter laugh. "I hid from you, would you believe."
Prickling with unease, I said, "Steve... how did he find out about you?"
"Sheer bad luck — Steve went to school with a guy who knew my... friend. There was a reunion, they got to talking..."
"Why are you telling me this now?"
"I get on well with Lee and I told her I was gay on one of the A.P.P. business trips to the States.
Steve's only put the screws on in the last few weeks, so I discussed the whole situation with her on the flight from Cairns to Alice Springs."
I was tight with anxiety. "You haven't answered my question."
"If Steve finds out you're a lesbian, he'll use it — not just because he's a nasty bit of work, but because the promotion to the new position's basically between the two of you. And it's pretty obvious you're a front runner with Sir Frederick."
"Steve's been positively encouraging about Sir Frederick... Tells me a proposal of marriage is in the offing."
Tony's tight smile matched my cynical tone. "If you ask me, he wants you to step out of line, make a play for the boss, and get dumped for your trouble."
"It's more likely he thinks Sir Frederick wouldn't promote me if we had a personal involvement. It would look bad."
Tony shrugged. "Whatever the reasoning Steve uses, he's still dangerous."
"Was it Lee's idea that you should warn me?"
"Not exactly. I asked her opinion about telling you."
I stared at him, wondering if he knew that we were lovers. He seemed to read my mind. "You and Lee? I guessed that too. She hasn't said a word to me, but the way you look at her..."
"God. Is it that obvious?"
He touched the side of my face, a gentle, affectionate gesture. "No, Alex. Only to friends who love you."
I anticipated that dinner that night would be trying, but, as often happens, an expected ordeal turned out to be a very pleasant occasion. I was careful to sit away from Lee — Tony's acuity about my relationship with her had alarmed and depressed me. If he could guess the truth, why couldn't somebody else? And if that somebody happened to be Steve...
Sir Frederick insisted on champagne to mark our last night in the Outback before we returned to Sydney. Also, he had a fund of droll stories culled from his travel experiences around the world, and he recounted these with his usual oratorical skill. We laughed our way through our meal, everyone contributing to the effervescent atmosphere. After coffee Sir Frederick announced that Tony, who was, he said expansively, an astronomical expert, would be taking us outside for star-gazing.
Away from the lights of the resort, the sky seemed weighted down with stars. They burned with a cold, crystalline glitter — whirling galaxies unimaginable distances away. Lee was close to me, and in the darkness I took her hand. Our fingers interlocked, and a sharp joy filled me.
Tony was explaining how to locate the constellation of the Southern Cross by finding the bright pointer stars. I stared up at the pattern of five scintillating dots of light that can always be used to find true south, no matter where they are in the sky. "Don't wish — you might get what you ask for," is one of my mother's more cynical admonitions.
My fingers tightened around Lee's, and, ignoring my mother's advice, I wished with all my heart, as if, for once, reality could be defeated.
When we went inside, I remained carefully apart from Lee. I found myself looking for Steve, assessing his expression, wondering what he was thinking. I'd never trusted his slick friendliness, but now my mild aversion had ripened into contempt. Of course none of this showed. I talked and joked with him just as normal, although part of me despised my accommodation.
Sir Frederick, mellowed by champagne, told me to call him "Frederick." I smiled, but it was a request I had no intention of obeying. It was tiresome — now I'd have to indulge in verbal gymnastics to avoid using his name at all.
Quite late, people began to drift off to bed. A casual glance from Lee, a slight nod from me, and we communicated. Although it warmed me that this could happen — that our understanding was such that only a subtle exchange was needed — my pleasure was diminished by apprehension. However much I argued with myself, it made a difference to me that Sir Frederick and Steve were at the hotel.
I couldn't forget the past. The memory of the last time I'd seen Zoe after she'd been forced to resign kept playing in my head. She had cried — the first time I ever saw her defeated. "The bastards, the bastards," she'd said. "You can't beat them, Alex. They'll always win in the end."
It angered me that I felt I had to check the corridor before I went to Lee's room. Although we hadn't discussed it, there was an unspoken agreement that I would go to her, not she to me. When she opened her door I slipped inside like an accomplice to some crime.
"Are you sure you should be here, Ale
x? Sir Frederick may be checking your room."
There was more sarcasm than playfulness in her tone, but I chose to ignore the sting in her remark.
I said, "Tony's told me about Steve."
"And?"
"When did you know I was a lesbian?"
Strangely, I'd never asked her this before. Lee seemed to realize the anxiety that drove me to the question. "I wouldn't have known... there was nothing you did or said." Smiling, she added, "Of course, I had high hopes."
Irritated by. her light tone, I said, "Are you telling me the truth?"
"In a manner of speaking. I felt a tug of attraction for you... that's usually significant." She frowned at my expression. "Don't worry about it. You're a natural conspirator."
"Somehow I don't think that's a compliment." When she didn't respond I said rashly, "I know what you're thinking."
Eyebrows raised, she said with a tone of polite doubt, "You do?"
"You believe that if we both came out of the closet everything'd be fine. Well, it wouldn't be, Lee. If it was that easy, don't you think I'd have done it long ago?"
Shrugging, she said, "Perhaps you enjoy the intrigue."
I was growing angry and defensive. "I can't afford any suspicion — I mean, Steve will use anything he can get."
"You're going to let Steve Monahan dictate what you do and don't do?"
Smarting from her scorn, I snapped, "It's not like that."
"No? What is it like?"
A tide of anger and grief rose in my throat. "You'll be gone, soon. But I have to live here, work here... It'll make a difference to my life, make it impossible. Can't you see that?"
"I can see you believe that."
"You must love the high moral ground — you spend so much time there."
She said sardonically, "A hit, a very palpable hit."
"And don't..." I said savagely as I opened the door, "...quote bloody Shakespeare at me!"
CHAPTER TWELVE
It was raining in Sydney, an outrageous event that immediately put me into an even darker mood. One of the great experiences of travel is to fly into my harbor city on a fine, sunny day when all its beauty is displayed to the best advantage. Shrouded in curtains of heavy gray rain, Sydney was like any other large, wet metropolis.
I'd avoided Lee since our fruitless argument and, miserably aware that she had only a few days left in Australia, I spent the first night at home trying to persuade myself that my infatuation for her was just that — an intense, but short-lived affair.
My modest little house had been a refuge, but now it felt like a prison. I knew where she was staying, and I picked up the phone a hundred times, it seemed, to speak with her, but put the receiver down each time.
It was unrealistic to hope she might call me — and she didn't.
It was still raining the next day as I went to work in a haze of unhappiness. A.P.P.'s head office was in a restored sandstone building of minor, but distinct, historic importance, overlooking the Royal Botanic Gardens and just up the hill from the gigantic curving roofs of the Opera House, an appropriate position for a tourist organization.
I sat in Tony's office glaring morosely at the wet world outside. Tony patted my shoulder. "You'd better cheer up for the big do tonight."
He was referring to the formal banquet A.P.P. was hosting for state and federal tourist bodies and important private tour companies, plus any overseas wholesalers from the convention who were still in Sydney. It was to be held at the Regent near the Circular Quay — the hotel at which Lee was staying.
"I can't wait," I said quite inaccurately. I didn't want to go.
What was the point in dragging the whole thing out? She'd be gone in a few days and the truth was brutally clear: I cared too much — she didn't care enough. Or, to be more honest, Lee had remained true to her philosophy while I had broken every rule I'd made for myself to live by.
I'd come into Tony's office as a respite from my own small cubicle, where work I didn't want to do was piling up and where Steve could — and did — pop in for a chat at regular intervals. I hid the intense anger I felt about his attempts to blackmail Tony as we engaged in the usual office banter. And I was vigilant for the double meaning, the needling comment that would show he knew about Lee. There was nothing — his manner was the same as always, friendly, irreverent and egocentric.
The burr of Tony's phone broke into my thoughts. He picked it up and swiveled his chair to look out the rain-spotted window. My attention swung to him as he said, "Lee. Hi! Yes, she's here. I'll put her on." Handing me the receiver he said with a grin, "I'll leave you two alone."
It was amazing what one name could do. Suddenly the day looked brighter, I could swear it was fining up.
"Alex? You're going to the banquet tonight, aren't you?'
"Yes."
"I wondered if we could make a date for afterwards."
Why not? You can't get in any deeper.
"Would that be in your room?"
"Why, yes," said Lee, laughing. "How astute of you." Then, more seriously, "Alex, I wanted to call you last night, but..."
"But?"
I heard her sigh. "Just but..."
I felt agitated, tormented. If she was worried about encouraging me, why was she suggesting we meet? If only she cared enough...
To love you? Dream on, Alex. I said lightly, "It's a date."
I prepared for the banquet with special care, selecting a deep rose dress that had been one of those serendipitous finds — it seemed to have been made just for me, enhancing whatever qualities are mine so that when I have it on I feel relaxed and attractive. I don't usually wear jewelry, but tonight I put on a thin gold necklace and gold earrings.
Tony was accompanying me. I thought how great he looked when he arrived. Even the most insignificant men — and Tony is hardly that — gain consequence when dressed formally. His ample body was transformed into an impressive, powerful presence just by the addition of a starched shirt, black tie and a well-cut formal suit.
"Magnificent is the word that springs to mind," I said as I opened the door to him.
"You're not so bad yourself. In fact, I might go so far as to say you look pretty terrific." His smile faded. "A fine couple of hypocrites we are, Alex. We'll walk in looking the perfect couple..."
It was unfair of him to spoil my anticipation of the evening. "Ah, come on! Forget it — let's just eat, drink and be merry." I couldn't help adding: "For tomorrow we may come out of the closet."
In the car, Tony was somber. "Alex, you need to know something. Lee says that if she were me, she'd go to Sir Frederick right now. She thinks that sooner or later Steve will come out with it anyway, and I agree. He's a vicious little prick and he won't be able to stop himself."
I didn't want to discuss this, but I could hardly sit mute. "Are you going to?"
"Yes. As soon as things quiet down and we unload the last overseas visitor." When I didn't say anything, he went on, "Don't worry — you won't be involved. There's no reason you should be. In fact, the whole thing'll be to your advantage, because if Sir Frederick believes me, at the very least Steve's blown his chance of promotion."
"If he believes you!"
"I don't think Sir Frederick's got much time for queers. Mind you, I might be unfair — it's hardly a subject I've ever discussed with him."
We sat in silence for the rest of the trip.
Pre-dinner drinks were well under way when we arrived. Sir Frederick, looking extremely distinguished, greeted us at the door, and immediately dispatched us to whisper sweet commercial nothings into selected politicians' ears. My mark was a weedy little man wearing a suit a size too large who was the exception to my rule that formal wear improves male appearance. He had recently gained the state tourism portfolio, a position to which he had been appointed by virtue of his propensity to back the right politician in the leadership stakes. "Charming," he said, eying my cleavage.
Eventually I was rescued by a syndicated journalist who reported on trave
l for several major newspapers. As this particular politician was a ruthless self-promoter who gave the impression he would rather talk to the press than to his own nearest and dearest, my escape was easy.
I searched the crowd for Lee, finding her on the other side of the room in a knot of laughing people. She wore black, which was sensational with her blonde hair. She stepped away from the others to greet me. Looking me up and down, she said softly, "Wow."
"I bet you say that to all the girls."
"Only you."
"Lee! Alex! The two most stunning sheilas in the room!"
Steve looked pretty stunning himself. To be truthful, he looked magnificent. His height and tanned skin, not to mention his fair hair, were more than enhanced by formal wear. "Why waste your time talking to each other? The place is loaded with eligible men."
"You being one of them?"
He put his arm around my waist. "You know I am, Alex, darling. Don't fight it."
I removed his encircling arm.
He turned to Lee with his warmest smile. "I just happen to have come across a special South Australian outback safari you might be interested in..."
My astonishment must have shown on my face, but he was careful not to look at me, knowing full well he was breaking A.P.P. protocol by making a direct approach when Lee Paynter was my responsibility.
She said briskly, "Yes? What are the details?"
He gestured expansively. "The tour covers the Birdsville Track and the wetlands of the Coongie Lakes, not to mention the Andamooka opal fields..."
"The tour operator? Credentials?"
"Just a small outfit — but I've heard it's reliable."
"You've heard?" repeated Lee. Her curt tone seemed to disconcert Steve, and I began to feel a certain wry amusement. Working with him had made me aware how often he was tempted to wing it — to scrimp on his homework and rely on bluff and charm to get him through.
"Well, the broad picture is —"
"I want specifics."
Steve reddened. "Of course..."
She ignored his discomfort, asking a series of sharp questions about cost factors, tour frequency, connection flights, standards of transport, accommodation, inclusions and extras.
