by Leanne Davis
“I’m–”
“If you’re about to say you’re sorry, don’t bother. I don’t care.”
“Yes, you do, Nick,” she said quietly in a tone that seemed the only confident thing about her. She fidgeted, looking here, there and everywhere, but her tone came out as if she knew exactly what he thought. And what he wanted.
He ran a hand through his hair. “Look, we’re there, Joelle. The end. I think I always knew we’d end up right here, no matter what I did or didn’t do. I saw you melting down last night, long before you actually did. I saw the signs. So let’s skip the recap. As well as the apologies. The whatever you’re here for.”
She pulled something out of her pocket, and laid it on the table.
“You gave Rob your credit card.”
Nick didn’t bother to look. He knew he handed her husband his credit card. “Didn’t need you running around the city again, without even a penny to your name.”
“So you gave Rob your credit card? He could have taken it and charged thousands of dollars to you. Why would you risk that?”
“For you. I obviously gave it to him, for you.”
“That was a big risk.”
Nick shrugged. He wasn’t expecting this particular line of questioning. Like that was his biggest risk lately? Or mistake. Had she ever looked in the mirror? She was his biggest risk and mistake to date. “Did he do anything with it?”
“Other than marvel at your trusting him with it? No. I took it from him.”
“Great. You can go now. You’ve delivered your responsibility to me; you’re free.”
“That’s not why I’m here.”
“Then why? I saw everything I needed to see last night.”
“I didn’t sleep with him.”
“Well, congratulations. What are you telling me for?”
“I shouldn’t have run off like I did.”
“You shouldn’t do a lot of things. Running off from me is pretty harmless on your list of should nots. You know you could have just told me you wanted to leave last night.”
“I got intimidated. I got–”
He glanced at her sharply. “I know exactly what you got. I saw it happening. I just don’t see why you couldn’t have said, ‘Hey Nick, I need to go.’ Or ‘I’m going.’ Or ‘Bye Nick.’ It’s not like I had you handcuffed to me. Or not understood. But you seem to forget, unlike your husband, that I know you, and I would have listened to you. And done whatever you needed. But no, you ran off. Again. Always. Leaving me wondering. You ran to your husband. Fine. Message delivered, loud and clear.”
She eyed him suspiciously. She didn’t like it when he finished her sentences. She came closer, and he glanced down. She was frowning at the tracks of nail marks she spotted on his right arm. Ridiculously, he felt embarrassed. He tugged at his sleeve, then turned and grabbed a mug before pouring coffee into it.
“What happened to you?” she asked finally.
“None of your business.”
She stared hard. He could feel her gaze on the side of his head, but he still didn’t look at her.
“Nick. Who was here?”
“Who was here?” he laughed, a brittle, mean laugh. “That’s great. You’re going to admonish me for having someone here, when I got to practically watch you dry screwing your husband on the dance floor. Oh that’s just great.”
“Who was here?” Calmly direct, she refused to take the bait at all.
“Who? Brittany Snow. She seemed to like knowing I’ve decided to screw around with my employees now.”
“Did you? Did she stay here last night?”
He felt itchy and had to move. He paced and took a long sip of coffee. Anger and resentment were building in him. Joelle actually dared to sound annoyed at him. When did she earn the right to grill him?
“She came to my door, and practically threw me against it. She did this. She was all ready to go. So was I, for that matter.”
“Did you?” Joelle’s teeth were gritted.
“What if I did? What does it matter to you? To us? Come off it, Joelle, you think you’re the only one who deserves not to fully be here? Not to fully commit?”
“Did you sleep with her?”
“God, you’re such a hypocrite. You know that, right? No, I didn’t. You want to know why, Joelle? Not because of my undying love for you. Not because of my guilty conscience that I didn’t want to be unfaithful to you. No, nothing so noble as that. No, it was entirely because of you! I don’t have any condoms in this house anymore. That’s it. That’s why I stopped it and threw her out. Simple as that. There’s your reason why.”
Her gaze was on him. Steady. Solid. Challenging. He set his coffee cup down with a clink, and the coffee sloshed over the side.
“That’s not why.”
“It’s the only reason why.”
“No, it’s not. The same reason why I didn’t go home with Rob.”
“Bullshit.”
“Ask Erica.”
He looked at her long and hard. He thought maybe she was telling the truth.
“Okay, great. We didn’t screw with other people last night. Makes us both saints, doesn’t it? Couple of the year.”
“No. It means I screwed up.”
“How? On who? Did you screw up sleeping with me and cheating on Rob? Or are you cheating on me when you’re with Rob? See how complicated it is? I do. And I think I’m really tired of it.”
She sat down; her posture loose, her shoulders slumped forward as she tried to be small and unnoticed. She wanted to shrink her significance in the world, and he hated when she did that. He couldn’t stand that she felt compelled to do that again.
He sighed and sat down too, his anger rapidly fading. Silence filled the space between them for a long moment. He tapped his fingers on the table. “We can’t do this. Not anymore. I can’t stand seeing you turn back into what you were. All nervous. Worried. Anxiety-ridden. Over what? I’m not doing this to you. Look, I’m not mad at you. But I’m not doing this anymore.”
“I’m not trying to hurt anyone.”
“That’s the thing: when you start sleeping with two guys, one of them is bound to get hurt. And they are doomed to hate each other. And you’re not exactly cut out for that role. I don’t know what you want. And I’m tired of only confusing you more. You need to figure it out on your own. Hell, dump us both, move away, start over. Just find yourself in there, Joelle. Find who you want, and what you want. Whatever it is. Just find it. My life isn’t made for you. I finally saw that last night. You’ve been trying to tell me all along, and I believe you now. I hope you’ve learned enough not to go back to Rob, but that’s not my call either. It’s yours. I’m done. I’m done hurting you, and I’m done asking things of you that you can’t give.”
“Nick–”
“Just go. Leave me out of it. Please,” he said quietly, his voice nearly cracking with emotion. He loved her. But he couldn’t love her enough for both of them. He turned his back to her and stared out the windows above the awakening city below. He felt his heart nearly stop beating.
She stood up. “Okay, I’ll go. But just for the record, we both know you have a box of condoms in your left nightstand. So yes, it was because of me you didn’t do anything with Brittany Snow last night.”
He turned in surprise and she fisted her hands together. “And I’m going to make this up to you. I swear to God, I will. We’re not done.”
Turning on her heel, she left his penthouse. He watched her leave and his heart fell to his toes as the door shut and the horrible silence filled his opulent, spacious condo. He felt sick to his stomach and worse, knowing it wouldn’t get better any time soon. If ever. But knowing too, that they were, in fact, done.
****
Joelle left, but only because she knew she had already caused Nick too much pain and suffering with her stupidity, her shortfalls, and her own insecurities. She didn’t say anything to Nick that she intended to say. The nail marks on his arm prevented her from talking at fir
st. She saw how real his anger and hurt were and knew she’d done that. She deserved his anger.
She went to Rob the night before.
But when she saw Nick walking away from her, her heart nearly burst through her chest. Rob’s hands on her, suddenly felt like burdensome weights, anchoring her down, and she instantly saw the magnitude of her mistake. Rob wasn’t the answer. He was no more than a panicky solution to her real problem.
That easily, that clearly, she immediately knew she had to divorce Rob. As she pulled Nick’s credit card from Rob’s hand, she realized it was Nick she wanted, not Rob. Nick would do anything to ensure her safety, and wellbeing. He always put her comfort and care first. No matter what. No matter what she’d done or how angry he was at her, she always came first with him. Always.
She, Joelle Williams, always came before his money, his position, his company, even his family.
He literally wanted to give her everything he possessed in this life.
She nearly groaned out loud at the realization that it took her this long to get it. See it. Feel it. Appreciate it. What she’d known all along. Nick Lassiter really and truly loved her.
Being finally convinced in the exact moment that Nick was walking away from her, because he thought she returned to her husband, created a huge problem.
She was afraid of what his life represented last night, and seeing who he was in full color details. He was a force to be reckoned with: strong, confident, intelligent, ambitious and successful in every aspect and achievement, with the unmentioned rewards of wealth, power, and respect.
And here she was: the mousey date to this larger than life man. She always found herself lacking. Her place beside him was incongruent. All her insecurities managed to collide in an awful moment of knowing that Nick would eventually resent her shyness, her awkwardness, and her being the inept creature that she really was.
Her growing confidence was flimsy at best, and although stronger now, she could never envision herself as a strong, poised, self-assured person like him, his sisters, his mother, or Erica even. Joelle just wasn’t hard-wired like they were. So she fled from the first person who tried to steal her place in Nick’s life. She let Brittany win, nearly hand feeding her to Nick. She’d have deserved it, good and well, if Nick had slept with Brittany.
Thank God, he didn’t.
And Rob? He had become her last ditch effort. An old habit that she quickly realized she’d sadly outgrown. She loved him, as in: loved him out of respect for the person he once was and had been to her. Now she only loved him with her fond wishes to stay sober, and live well, be happy, successful, and write and sell more music.
But she loved Rob’s absence from her more. She didn’t want him touching her, needing her, or crushing her personality under his anymore. She only ran to Rob last night because he was the easiest avenue for her to alienate Nick. He was the easiest escape route.
She knew she was a coward, and had fallen in love with Nick. But, instead of screaming it to the world, standing proudly beside him as his date, or simply admitting it to him, she ran. She even tried to sabotage it because she was terrified of loving Nick Lassiter. And of what that meant. Her old demons of not fitting in, or embarrassing him, or worst of all, Nick finally coming to his senses about her still haunted her thoughts.
Responding to her doubts, as always, he just encouraged her to do what was best for her. He wanted her to find herself, and not be sad or confused anymore. Giving Rob his credit card and saying it was for her, proved Nick only wanted the best for Joelle, no matter what it cost him.
She was so stupid, so scared… and yet, so ready to finally be a real person. A full person who could love another without getting lost, and still remain her own person.
Nick had always thought she was worthy enough to be with. He fell in love with her, just as she did with him. And she was, for once in her enigmatic life, sure of something. Sure of that: Nick loved her.
Now, she just had to figure out what to do about it. First thing, she decided, was to not be married to another man any longer.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Divorces took time. Ninety days to be exact. Time that Joelle didn’t have the patience for. But she had to wait, and she used the time to try to become her own person for once. And for always. She joined a knitting club, a small thing to most people, but a huge step for her. She never joined anything in her life, except the band. But that was for Rob. And this was for her. She finished a scarf and was so proud of it, she nearly framed it and hung it over her bed. She kept going to work, although she still often considered quitting, starting over, running, and giving up. But she didn’t.
There were weeks of whispers, looks, and innuendos. But for once, Joelle stiffened her spine, and gave the gossipers dirty looks and sharp retorts. She only got better at her job so no one could find any fault with her. No one could say she was incompetent, stupid or only had her job because she opened her legs for the boss.
She stayed on at the office, and continued to live with Erica. Erica gave her an earful after the stunt at the awards ceremony. Erica still questioned what exactly she was doing. Joelle couldn’t explain it fully, but said she had a gut feeling that she needed to prove herself by building her self-esteem and then, once she was a competent person, she could offer herself to Nick. But first and foremost, she had to be her own person. She needed to prove to herself, and Nick that this time she would not run to him, all needy and lost. She no longer wanted to fill a lonely void, like she did when she married Rob.
She would go after Nick this time because she loved him. Because she wanted him. But not because she needed him. There was a key difference that someone like Erica, with a strong, healthy, sense of self, couldn’t quite understand. Nick would understand that though. Of that, Joelle was confident.
Not to say she left everything to fate. She pretty much recruited Bev to keep an eye on Nick, and let her know if any other woman, Brittany in particular, sniffed around his office. And Nick, true to his word, didn’t do or say anything suggestive or untoward to her at work. He pretended the night they were a couple in front of his managers never happened. They rarely saw one another, for once, his stipulation, but when they did, he was polite, respectful, cold and impersonal. And Joelle allowed nothing to interfere with her job.
Finally, the ninetieth day came, and brought her exactly what she was waiting for.
****
“Excuse me, Nick. Can I talk you?” Joelle asked, her tone professional, as she shut the door to his office behind her.
He raised his head up and his eyes flickered over her and widened. They stayed focused on her blue-streaked hair and seemed to linger over the hoop in her lip, the stud in her nose and the newer jewel in her eyebrow. She wore her big, black combat boots and a long skirt.
“Not now, Joelle.” His tone was indifferent, and his expression almost unblinking with boredom at her.
“I wanted to tell you–”
“I was about to leave for a meeting. This will have to wait.”
“No. It can’t.”
He stood. “Sorry it’s going to have to.”
He was past her. Gone. She stood there, rather shocked he’d gotten up and left so abruptly. She scrunched her face up with annoyance and started down the hall after him. Almost running. She wished now she’d worn her running shoes.
“Nick, would you please slow down?”
“No. I really can’t talk to you.” He forgot to add “right now.”
“Damn it,” she muttered when Nick ducked into the conference room. And sure enough, he had ten managers waiting for his entrance.
She paced outside. Finally, she ducked inside the room, where she stood quietly. Waiting. Wasn’t she always quiet? Didn’t she always wait her turn? She always made sure she wasn’t loud or disruptive.
Nick didn’t look her way once and she felt her agitation growing. She waited for so long, now she had what she wanted, and she couldn’t wait another minute. Her blood was burning
through her veins with eager anticipation. Her foot tapped restlessly, and her mind skipped over every possible scenario… the romantic gestures she could make, but settling on none. Other than she couldn’t wait to tell him, she had to tell him now.
“Excuse me,” she said, speaking up. Predictably, everyone turned towards her where she stood, nervously combusting.
Nick jerked as if he’d been shot. His voice sounded cool after an uncomfortable silence. “What is it?”
“I quit. I wanted to tell you that.”
“Now? This couldn’t wait until after this meeting–which doesn’t concern you in the least–is over?”
“No, I can’t wait any longer.”
“Okay, then, give Bev your notice.”
“No. I want to give it to you.”
He was scowling at her as she came forward, with the piece of paper she held like a silver chalice as she put it before him. He met her gaze when she leaned over him, and anger dilated his pupils. His jaw clenched tighter. She wondered if he would have a jaw ache soon. She smiled sweetly.
“What are you doing?” he asked, his tone quiet, for her ears only. Finally, his voice had some emotion in it.
“Read it,” she said softly.
He looked down. His face blank and looked back up at her.
“These are divorce papers.”
“Yes. I know.”
“I thought you were quitting,” he said carefully.
“I am. I don’t want there to be anything between us.”
“Between us?”
“Between us, Nick. You and me.”
He stared at her. His expression troubled. He didn’t believe her. After all she’d put him through, who could blame him?
She stood straighter, and spoke clear and loud. “I love you. I thought you’d believe me if you had proof. That’s what this is. And this is just the start.”
