The moment he heard that sound, Subaru’s threadbare hope snapped.
“Could you put out your hand, I wonder?”
With Subaru filled with resignation, Beatrice walked to the side of the bed and offered her tiny hand.
Beatrice’s irritation sent Subaru, in complete shock, rushing to take her hand. As he did, Beatrice scowled as she looked at the damaged back of his hand.
“Disgusting. Perhaps you are an unsalvageable deviant who delights in self-harm?”
“Roswaal’s got the deviant market locked up. I was just trying to give myself a tattoo and messed it up.”
“Your artistic sense, skill, and talent for lies are completely lacking… There is no saving you from that.”
Exhaling, Beatrice put her tiny palm on top of Subaru’s hand, as if trying to cover the wounds. Her smooth fingers invited his in until their hands intertwined.
“—I shall grant thy wish. By the name of Beatrice, the pact is formed.”
Beatrice’s solemn statement left Subaru completely at a loss for words.
Suddenly, the girl before his eyes looked completely different than before. As her fingers gripped his, the warmth they conveyed made his mind see the aura of mystique surrounding her.
“Makeshift or not, a pact is a pact— Perhaps I have been moved by your irrational request.”
Beatrice released his fingers and crossed her arms once again. Subaru bowed before her, suppressing the wave of emotion that hit him.
He didn’t put the emotions into words, but they gushed from a bottomless well deep in his heart.
He didn’t know how to react to being offered salvation from the least expected source.
“Seriously…a little girl’s gonna make me cry…”
“Could you not say little girl, I wonder? Also, I will never forgive you if you say one word to Puckie about this.”
“So that’s the important part?! Desperation gets you demon-possessed, I tell you.”
Subaru made a bitter smile in response to Beatrice’s look of genuine hostility.
His fourth loop had begun with despair. It was a small smile, the only of this loop, but it was there.
4
By forming a temporary pact with Beatrice, Subaru gained a tiny but tangible piece of security. However, the circumstances pressing down on Subaru had not fundamentally improved at all.
As was his wont, Subaru continued life as a hermit in the room he had been granted; Beatrice was not hovering around Subaru, protecting him twenty-four hours a day.
The problem was from the night of the fourth day to the morning of the fifth—to reduce the effort needed to protect him during that time, he’d be leaving the room, not showing his face again until the appointed hour.
In return, the one who visited Subaru time and again, and currently nodding while sitting on the side of the bed with a charming smile on her face, was Emilia.
“I see, so Beatrice came to properly apologize. I’m glad. A job well done.”
For Emilia to approach him like this after Subaru had treated her so poorly, which weighed heavily on his conscience, it was no exaggeration to say he thought of her like a goddess, his one light in a dark world.
When Emilia visited again and he tried to apologize for his initial rude statement, she simply brushed off Subaru’s horrible words.
“You were just overwhelmed, right? It can happen to anyone. It can’t be helped. Ram and Rem will be pleased to hear you say that, though.”
Subaru gave no proper reply to the gentle request she’d slipped in at the end.
Their loyalty was so great that they’d kill someone merely for knowing an inconvenient truth. Subaru had experienced that firsthand, but he couldn’t hate them for it even so.
He closed his eyes and thought back on his days at the manor. Back then, during those memories, were there not moments when Subaru and the sisters drew closer together?
—Maybe he just wanted to believe it was so.
Emilia looked at the tray left on the side of the bed and the untouched meal, slowly going cold, resting upon it as she murmured in a sullen tone.
“So you really didn’t eat breakfast, did you?”
“…Sorry.”
After snapping at Emilia, Subaru had become more quiet and withdrawn. Though Subaru acted like that, Ram and Rem diligently went about their duties as servants.
Even when they knew he would never touch the food nor thank them for it.
One was rude, while the other was polite only on the surface, but both were very formal and professional at heart.
Subaru knew that. Despite knowing that, he could not accept the food.
—For all he knew, it might be poisoned.
That was the thought that passed through his mind when he looked at it.
He hated himself for doubting the two of them. However, Subaru knew a future existed where the sisters waved around horrid weapons to kill him.
He knew they had many virtues, but they’d try to kill him anyway.
It was when Subaru had accepted that fact that his despair had truly begun.
“Maybe it’s tough, but it’s bad for you if you don’t eat at least a little bit.”
“My stomach won’t take it… Well, maybe if Emilia-tan went ‘Say aah’ for me I could eat, but…”
Subaru cursed what an incurable joker he was, sending such a flippant remark Emilia’s way when she was genuinely worried about him.
However…
“Here, then. Say aah.”
“—Eh?”
“I said, say aah—”
Emilia had set the food tray on her lap, lifting a spoon and looking at Subaru.
She used the spoon to scoop up some soup, which was still somewhat warm, and gently brought it toward Subaru’s mouth.
Subaru immediately shook his head, unable to understand what Emilia was trying to do.
“No, nonono, wait, hold up, Emilia-tan, what are you doing?”
“What do you mean, what? You said you’d eat if I did this, didn’t you? So eat. I’m saying ‘say ahh’ and everything.”
“Err, this is like a ritual that girls don’t actually do; their faces just go bright red and that’s as far as it goes, I thought?”
“If you’re going to speak like a child, you can’t be embarrassed at being fed like one. That would be silly.”
As Subaru dragged his feet, Emilia went “Say aah” again with a powerful, compelling stare. Subaru finally buckled under the pressure, feeling like he’d gone red to the tips of his ears as he opened his mouth.
“A-aah…”
“There, swallow. Here’s the next one. Here, here, here, here, here.”
“That’s too fast!! Was that aah just to get my guard down?!”
The way Emilia carried soup to his lips, automatically with no wasted motion whatsoever, made him wonder if she’d been in a fast-feeding competition or something. Subaru tried to keep up with one spoonful after another before roughly waving his hand midway.
“T-time-out, time-out! Can we stop? It’s going down my th-throat the wrong way…!”
“Goodness, and it was going so well, too… Subaru?”
“Cough, cough, r-really, my throat feels…all weird…”
Subaru averted his face from Emilia, faking coughs to try to make the action seem more natural. He didn’t want Emilia to see his face just then.
Something hot was welling from deep in Subaru’s eyes. He opened his eyes to give his tears somewhere to run and desperately tried to stop them from flowing.
She continued to be kind to him in a world where he could see no hope.
He wondered if he was truly worthy of such treatment…
…for Subaru Natsuki was in despair precisely because he rejected that he was.
“Hey, Subaru.”
As she called out to him in concern, Subaru lightly cleared his throat and tested his voice as he got back in order.
“…Mm, ahh, ahh. Okay. Yeah. I’m all right now. I think.
I’m all right.”
He made the richest expression as he turned toward Emilia…
…and met her extremely gentle eyes, looking right at him.
“Let’s continue.”
“…The way you put that makes this feel really naughty somehow…”
“—?”
Emilia, tilting her head, apparently hadn’t noticed the risqué, bewitching nature of her statement.
Or maybe it’d all been in his head to begin with.
And so he finished eating, with Emilia offering a ‘Say aah’ and him opening his mouth, cheeks red from shyness and complicated sentiments. With the meal finished, Emilia clapped once in satisfaction.
“Good. Now, what do we say when we’re done eating?”
“That was great.”
“That’s bad manners. Once more, and say it right.”
“Thank you for the food.”
“You’re very welcome.”
Faced with Emilia’s broad smile, Subaru patted his belly, which strangely felt nice and full.
His stomach felt no discomfort at having been stuffed after two days of going empty.
“Ram said, ‘He hasn’t eaten properly in a while so we must be gentle on his stomach,’ and that’s how Rem made it. They’re such good girls, aren’t they?”
Emilia’s words, as if boasting on behalf of the sisters, stabbed Subaru’s doubts like a dagger.
If that was the truth, he’d be happy enough to cry at such a show of concern. But Subaru knew better. The very pain of the delusion made him want to cry.
If only their gentleness and kind treatment didn’t have that lurking behind it.
“Well, now that you’ve eaten, too, you must be tired, so I’ll head back and let you rest.”
“You could always sleep here beside me?”
“Good, good, seems you’re already your usual self. Now, I do have things I need to be doing, too. Don’t tell anyone I was slacking off, okay?”
Emilia winked and stuck out her tongue.
Subaru, remembering what Emilia would normally be doing at a time like this, felt deeply ashamed.
Emilia had a kingdom resting on her shoulders; she didn’t have one second to waste as she spent each day striving for a better future. She shouldn’t have been wasting a single second of that precious time on someone worthless like Subaru.
“—Emilia. Keep your door locked at night and don’t let anyone in, okay?”
Perhaps he said it because Emilia’s kindness had rekindled the tiniest spark of the will to defy Fate.
Emilia brushed back her silver hair and inclined her head ever so slightly at Subaru’s sudden admonition.
“Or you’ll sneak in?”
“Right, exa… No!! Hey, that was Puck not Emilia just now, wasn’t it?!”
“Wow, got it in one.”
Puck popped his head out of Emilia’s hair and grinned at her and Subaru. He swished his tail as Subaru glared at him, no doubt having been listening in that hiding place from the very beginning.
“I didn’t want to intrude on such a lovely scene, but your emotions suddenly turned serious, huh? That got my attention.”
“…I just have a bad feeling, okay? You take good care of Emilia, now.”
With the black cloud lurking, Subaru had to be evasive when speaking about the future. Even so, Puck, able to read emotions, accepted his words without question.
“I’ll have you know I really don’t like feeling left behind in this conversation,” Emilia complained.
“It’s just saying a cute girl like you should always be careful about night visits, and to watch out for cars and men. Right, Dad?”
“That’s right, Lia. Daddy forbids you from seeing men…bad-looking, dark-haired men in particular.”
“Brutus?!”
Puck laughed out loud as Subaru invoked the name of the famous betrayer. Emilia pinched the laughing Puck and shoved him back into her hair, this time rising to her feet.
Subaru saw both of them off and, now alone in the room, flopped onto the bed.
He’d gotten them to watch out more, but it was a small comfort. To begin with, the current crisis had little to do with either of them, so he figured they’d be all right.
“Aw, no…”
The instant Subaru’s mind felt a smidgen of relief, his consciousness dove into a deep sleep.
The pangs of sleep that he’d kept at bay with pain for so long suddenly rushed back, robbing Subaru of his will.
And his stomach was full, too. His consciousness felt like it was sinking downward, unable to resist.
5
Subaru’s consciousness felt like a floating cloud, trapped between dream and reality.
He’d heard somewhere that dreams had the side effect of organizing the waking brain’s information. That would explain why Subaru, having delayed his sleep so long, beheld a string of such clear and vivid memories, as if they meant to haunt his dreams.
Subaru’s vivid, “dead” memories replayed over and over, etching themselves deeper into his mind.
He moaned, tossed, turned; he made anguished sounds as sweat drenched his entire body. Immersed in tears and faint sounds, his soul was whittled down, down, down, and when the final thread was cut, surely nothing would remain.
That was how far he had been worn down, both mentally and physically.
“—”
Abruptly, the tension in Subaru’s body vanished.
It was as if the cold and terror that made his body shake had been swept aside.
—It was his hands.
Someone was holding Subaru’s hands.
Someone’s touch from the real world pulled back Subaru, drifting in unconsciousness in the bed. It was a warm sensation, a gentle sensation, one that conveyed compassion.
He felt like he’d been saved. He felt like a gentle breeze blew into his tattered mind. His ragged breathing eased; he forgot his suffering and returned to peaceful sleep.
Who did it? What was it? Was it real or just a convenient trick of the dream?
He continued to feel warmth lingering between the palms of his hands—
6
“—Just how long are you going to sleep, I wonder?”
“Whoaaaa!”
Subaru cried out in pain, having been violently kicked, followed by a hard landing on the floor.
When Subaru shook his head and rose up, Beatrice was there, scowling, one leg raised in an unladylike manner. Beatrice snorted, once again unable to hide her displeasure.
“You were sleeping quite comfortably while I bothered to come at the appointed hour.”
“It’s like, you’ve got to put people down even when you don’t have to?”
As Subaru talked back, he broke out in a cold sweat at having unintentionally slept. He’d gone as far as to hurt himself to stay awake and to keep his guard up.
“Sleeping on the all-important fourth day. Maybe I really do have a death wish.”
“Would you cease your muttering, I wonder? There are more appropriate places for it.”
Beatrice, looking down and watching as Subaru lightly poked himself, sat on her stool as she spoke. Seeing her in her usual position like that, Subaru realized something was off and looked all around.
—He was already in the archive when he awoke.
“Well, this is a surprise. Did you carry me in my sleep?”
“I would not like to spend time in a room filled with that scent of yours, I suppose. This archive is my place and none other’s. Could you behave yourself while here, I wonder?”
Subaru decided that Beatrice’s actions, taken without asking him, had improved his situation.
Beatrice’s Passage would keep an assailant from narrowing down Subaru’s location. Surely Rem had no sure means of breaching the Passage herself.
“You actually thought this out, huh?”
“Do not just sit on the floor mumbling. Would you like to be swatted like an insect, I wonder?”
Oh, so that’s what
you’re reading, said Subaru, looking at the pages open before Beatrice as he stuck out his tongue.
Apparently, thinking of this as consideration would be overstating the case. Subaru rose from the floor, abruptly staring at his own two hands.
An odd sensation remained. Someone had held his hand as he slept, hadn’t—
“Hey Beatrice, don’t tell me you held my hand while I was asleep?”
“I won’t be telling you such a thing, I suppose. I would not, even if Puckie asked me to.”
“What a thing to say… But hey, at least we can die together!”
“No. Absolutely not.”
Beatrice, rather sour, tapered her lips as Subaru looked around the room once more.
The archive, filled with books as usual, lacked any convenient place to sit.
“How am I supposed to kill time in here…?”
With the time limit so close, his anxiety and stress were heightened; it was an open question as to how long he could keep his cool. If he could just immerse his head into something and forget the passage of time—
“Oh, right. Are there any books here written just in I-script?”
“—To think that you cannot read but the simplest things. How many humans do you think would cry with joy at just the thought of entering the Mathers family’s archive of forbidden books?”
“Well, I do feel bad for them… So what, you’re here full time?”
Subaru had never seen Beatrice walking about except at mealtimes. Aside from the exception of her having visited his room the day before, Beatrice was always in the archive on her stool.
Beatrice lowered her head a little at Subaru’s question.
“Such is the pact I have made.”
“Another pact, huh? Maybe I shouldn’t say this when you’re helping me, but isn’t it rough?”
Beatrice closed her eyes and spoke as if to cut off all further inquiry.
“All the pacts, they are things I desire, I suppose.”
He’d heard the term pact several times since arriving in that world, always with heavy overtones.
Beatrice spoke the word with the same weight as Emilia and Puck did for the spiritual pact they had. Subaru appreciated as much, having formed one temporarily with Beatrice himself.
Re:ZERO -Starting Life in Another World-, Vol. 2 Page 20
