“—I am one who keeps her promises.”
She gave her raised palm a small shake, as if that were no great feat, as she looked back at Ram.
“I have made a promise to protect this man from harm while he stays at the manor.”
“Lady Beatrice…!”
Whereas Beatrice’s demeanor was elegant, Ram bit her tongue with indignant anger.
As Ram raged to the side, Beatrice looked up at Roswaal, still standing right beside them.
“Roswaal. Your maid is being quite rude to your guest.”
“Certainly. I find that sinceeerely unfortunate. If possible, I wooould like to welcome him anew as my guest, as soon as he breathes out what he is holding within, to feel all the lighter.”
“How could he be involved in this matter, I wonder? He was in the archive of forbidden books all night.”
“This is too grave a matter to simply drop. Surely you cooomprehend this?”
With negotiations having failed, Roswaal shrugged and raised his palms into the air. Subaru saw the multiple orbs of differing colors that floated from his palms.
They were red and blue, yellow and green—even Subaru, untrained in the ways of magic, understood that those four colors represented magical power. Their beautiful glows contained energy beyond his imagination.
“It is just like you to engage in petty tricks. Just because you have a little talent, a little more power than others, a pedigree just a little finer than others, you need to flaunt in others’ faces… You are quite a child, I will have you know.”
“How very haaarsh of you. Is the difference between we, who walk about normally, and you, passing time in a room where time has stopped, sooo great? Perhaaaps we should put it to the test.”
He could feel the magical tension between them making the very air twist. Subaru was becoming a third wheel as hostility rose.
“Hooowever, to think that you would go through such trouble…are you truly sooo fond of him?”
“Your jokes are in as poor taste as your makeup, Roswaal. Puckie is my ideal partner. That human cannot match such lovely fur.”
Beatrice looked defenseless as she stood before Roswaal’s four glowing, floating balls.
However, the “simply standing” girl projected something around her so powerful that it made the air itself bend. Something invisible but frightening was about her.
As the situation became explosive, with both wielders of supernatural power glaring at each other, Ram’s shrill voice wedged itself between them.
“Who cares about that? Who cares?!”
Everyone looked at her as she stormed over, hands holding the hem of her skirt.
“Let me through and do not interfere. If you know something, say it, all of it. Help…help me avenge her!”
It was a sad, painful plea. The words gripped Subaru’s heart. He truly wanted to tell her what she wanted to know.
But Subaru had no words to offer her.
Ram shot Subaru a despondent, despairing glare. Emilia stood beside Beatrice, as if they were both shielding Subaru from her hostile gaze.
“I’m sorry, Ram. I still believe in Subaru.”
Emilia put her palm toward Ram to hold her in check while looking back at Subaru from the corner of her eye. Her eyes wavered, trying to find the words, before dropping for but a moment.
“Subaru, please. If there’s something you can do for Ram and Rem…please.”
Her compassion made Subaru feel more ashamed.
Emilia had sided with Subaru, even in such extreme circumstances, even though Subaru had said such horrible things to her at the start of the week, even though he was still holding his tongue in silence…
“I’m sorry—!”
As if crushing Emilia’s concerns under his heel, Subaru stepped not forward but back.
In that instant, Emilia’s eyes went silent as her emotions raced. They spoke of shock, sorrow and, above all, unbearable disappointment that her trust was about to be betrayed.
What Subaru truly saw in Emilia’s eyes was his own despair. He knew his actions had opened the door to a nightmare and could never be taken back.
That was when Subaru, no longer able to meet Emilia’s eyes, turned his back on her.
Instantly, Emilia reached out toward his back. But this was to block the Blade of Wind before it reached Subaru.
The wind crashed against pure magical power; mana bounced off mana as Subaru ran.
“Subaru—!”
Shaking off the voice trying to stop him, Subaru rushed down the corridor in a daze. He felt the magical confrontation behind him increasing in severity, but Subaru lacked the courage to look back.
He was weak. He was fragile, unable to do anything.
That was why he’d run out on Emilia, who’d trusted him after all that, and Beatrice, who’d tried to save his life, spurning their goodwill and good intentions.
He didn’t know what to do anymore. What he did know was that Ram shouted behind him like she was spitting blood—
“—I’LL KILL YOU!!”
Having lost her other half, the girl pursued him with a cry that threatened to tear her asunder.
Covering his ears, shaking his head, making wordless sounds, Subaru ran. He ran.
And he kept running.
9
With his attention devoted solely to running, he didn’t know how much time had passed. Out of breath, his knees begging for mercy, sweat dripping down his chin, he kept running. If he didn’t keep running, the incoherent emotions following behind him might catch up.
And when they caught up with him, this time everything would be finished.
Ram’s sad, painful yell, and the malice and hatred it contained, still rang in his ears.
He couldn’t go back.
Now that he’d run, Ram and Roswaal would not spare him; surely Emilia and Puck could no longer trust him for keeping his mouth shut. Beyond that, he’d abandoned Beatrice despite forming a pact with her. She would not be his ally any longer.
“I can’t help it…! I want to…but I can’t!”
He didn’t know how it’d come to this. He didn’t know what he’d done wrong.
Subaru didn’t know what he might do so that the world would forgive him.
“After it was…so much fun…!”
Suddenly greeted by another world, he’d had no choice but to live within it. For Subaru, surrounded by a vast desert of anxiety, the manor that had welcomed Subaru had been his oasis.
Those beloved days, that beloved time, which didn’t amount to a single week, seemed so far from Subaru in that moment.
He’d redone, he’d relived, and the world had sunk its fangs into him.
—Can’t do it anymore.
Suddenly, that was the murmur that arose in the back of his mind.
—There wasn’t any point in trying anymore.
Bewitched by his own voice pleading with him to give in, his pace relented.
If he did as the words said, it really would be easier, he thought. Subaru, after all, was the type of person who looked for the easiest solution to any situation.
It wasn’t just Subaru. That’s what people in general did. When faced with two unpalatable choices, they looked for a third way.
Who could blame him for feeling like there was a third, Heaven-sent option?
Blood suddenly drained from his head, making his heart, beating so powerfully, feel distant.
His limbs grew heavy; he found himself dragging his feet as if they were rejecting him.
“—”
It was right around when he stopped that he noticed the trees all around him. He was in the forest. Having rushed out of the mansion, he’d apparently gone off the road to the village, getting himself lost on a mountain path.
The gloom from the sky being blocked off and the briars all around him made Subaru think it resembled where he’d died the third time around.
The instant he recalled his own death, the third choice hit him in the face.
/>
“If I die…”
—Would it save him?
“Yeah, that’s right. If I die, this’ll change.”
When he said it with his own lips, they formed a smile as if there could be no finer idea.
He’d died three times. He’d arrived at the fourth world, where he failed at anything and everything.
This time he’d valued only his life. This time, his life was the only thing he had left.
What was the meaning of continuing to struggle and struggle if this was the result?
“If you’re gonna do it, do it already. It doesn’t matter what happens to me anymore…”
Biting his lip, he aired his bitter hatred of the situation he’d become wrapped in.
The blue sky unfolded before Subaru’s eyes, reflecting his hate right back. And…
“…A cliff.”
Surely this was made-to-order by God himself.
Answering that one prayer surely meant there was a Heaven he should be grateful for.
—So that the foolish and pathetic Subaru Natsuki could find peace.
The cliff seemed to invite him as he headed toward it, wobbling and dragging his feet.
The wind was strong. Using the sleeve of his jacket to shield himself from the strong headwind, Subaru stood at the cliff’s edge, peering into the blue sky beyond. Below him was a precipice with a face lined with sharp rocks, a drop dozens of meters onto a rocky place below. If he fell from this height, nothing would greet him but death.
Subaru panted heavily as he looked down at the rocks below, able to acutely picture his own death.
He heard the loud heartbeat he had forgotten once more. His lungs let out the air they’d been holding. His entire body was drenched with sweat, making Subaru feel cold as he closed his eyes.
—If he kept his eyes closed and took one step forward, it’d all be over.
Subaru wondered what would happen if he died this time.
Would he return to the first day at the manor and begin the loop anew? He thought he wouldn’t mind.
If he did actually return to the first day, Emilia would be there, and so would Ram, Rem, everyone. Subaru would work as a servant, see everyone’s faces, and die peacefully in his sleep on the fourth day.
If he continued that over and over, at least Subaru would be immersed in a little day-to-day peace.
It seemed like a good plan. If he could not hope for greater salvation, death wasn’t so bad, he thought.
“—”
And yet, Subaru’s body, standing atop the cliff, did not move forward. Only his knees moved—to shake.
He reached down to stop his knees from trembling, collapsing the moment his hips bent. Falling to his knees, it was as if he were prostrating himself before the sky. Subaru bit his lip at how pathetic he was.
“Just one step… I can’t even do…one simple thing…”
—Perhaps he simply lacked the courage.
Even under pursuit, he lost to his impulses, too indecisive to put it into action.
His resolve and determination were so frail it was funny; Subaru could only remain on his knees and cry.
He didn’t know why he should live, yet he was too afraid of death to die.
Subaru wailed, clawing at the ground at how truly pathetic and unsightly he was.
He continued to weep and mourn his own wretchedness until his endurance finally gave out.
10
Subaru thought that the scene he saw while unconscious was a nightmare.
He was in a well-lit room, at a dining table with Emilia. Roswaal was in the seat of honor, with Beatrice there pouring black tea to Puck, his head diving into a plate right beside her.
Emilia chided Puck for kidding around at the dining table, and Rem wove in and out, performing her duties, while Ram attended to Roswaal, ignoring all else.
Subaru just laughed. The others laughed with him.
—And so, he saw a nightmare full of happiness and warmth.
It was a bitter dream, a dream that brought sadness and a sense of wrenching loss.
His soul whittled down to the point of pain, Subaru’s agony made him forget to breathe.
“—”
Suddenly, his face eased.
He realized someone was holding his hand.
The warmth conveyed to his palm seemed to push aside his negative emotions.
Then, he saw a light.
A white light. A dazzling light. A light that seemed to guide his consciousness back to—
11
“—Are you finally awake?”
When Subaru opened his eyes, the orange sky of the setting sun was right in front of him.
He realized, too, that he’d passed out on the ground lying face up. He recalled, too, what he’d been thinking about just before, as if it had consumed his consciousness.
—Namely, that he’d chickened out from suicide, wept shamelessly, and fell asleep from exhaustion.
It was too shameful to be funny or pitiable. He’d acted like a baby. No, Subaru was far lower than a baby, for they had no capacity to sin.
“Could you say something, I wonder?”
“…Something.”
“What an old, rotten joke. You are quite something, joking with that glum face.”
Beatrice spat out a bitter reply as she tossed aside the hand of Subaru’s she was touching.
Beatrice was wearing the same dress as always, something that looked extremely out of place on top of the cliff. It was like a landscape painting where a lone little girl stood out.
“…No sane person goes hiking dressed like that.”
“I had no intention of hiking in rustic mountains to begin with. Perhaps you should not have fled to a place like this and cried yourself to sleep?”
Beatrice was waving the sleeve of her dress, making her annoyed statement, when Subaru realized just what Beatrice was doing outside the manor, to the point of showing up all the way over here.
“Why…?”
“Why what, I wonder?”
“Why did you come? I…”
—While Beatrice had honored her pact to protect Subaru, he could tell her nothing.
Seeing Subaru’s words catching, Beatrice made a sour, exasperated face and snorted.
“I made a pact to keep you safe. Having you toss yourself off a cliff to kill yourself would be an affront to my dignity.”
“Weren’t you supposed to be my bodyguard only till…this morning?”
“—I do not recall saying anything about a time limit. You assumed incorrectly that there was one, I suppose.”
Subaru groped through his memories while Beatrice, looking at him out of one eye, glanced away. Beatrice was using that contradiction between their “assumptions” about the details to continue her pact with Subaru.
It suddenly struck Subaru how a girl with a viper’s tongue and a foul-tempered horse’s personality like Beatrice could show such deep compassion.
Beatrice had not forsaken him. If that was true, then just maybe—maybe he didn’t have to give up?
“This is no time for vain hopes.”
“—!”
Beatrice shook her head, pouring cold water on Subaru’s easy way out.
“You cannot regain what you have lost. There is little more I can do for you. You can no longer explain things to the older sister. You threw away that chance.”
“I—!”
I’d have told her if I could, he wanted to shout.
Subaru would have confessed all and pled for forgiveness if his heart wouldn’t have been crushed in the process.
Not because it would help Ram—he knew it wouldn’t. Simply for his own peace of mind.
“At a time like this. Am I an idiot?…Yeah, I’m an idiot.”
Subaru had come this far by putting on a face, apologizing, pleading, protecting himself over and over. And now, he’d been driven to the top of a cliff, physically and mentally, with nowhere to run.
Run, run, run, and run some more was e
xactly how Subaru had arrived at this point.
“If you know I can’t go back…what do you plan on doing for me?”
“At the very least, I will have you die where I cannot see, so as not to disturb my dreams, I suppose. If you wish to flee, I shall take you beyond this domain.”
Beatrice’s kindness, wrapped in severity, cut deeply into his heart.
Beatrice’s expression was cold, her gaze acidic, as if beholding an annoyance. Even so, the kindness of the intent behind her words struck Subaru like none other.
No doubt Beatrice spoke the truth. If he desired to flee, she would agree and aid him. He didn’t know what waited for him after fleeing. But it couldn’t get any worse than this.
His own foolishness having wrecked his oasis, what was wrong with throwing away everything and running?
“—”
Blood trickled a little from the painful cut left on his cheek by the Blade of Wind.
Touching the wound, Subaru realized too late that he’d felt its kind before. Subaru’s very soul remembered its sharpness.
When he had been fleeing from Rem in the mountains, a Blade of Wind had severed Subaru’s right leg at the knee. As he touched the wound, Subaru’s instincts told him it was the same magic.
“The magic that gouged out my neck at the end, too…? So they…double-teamed me…”
His late understanding of how he had died deepened the silent despair in his heart.
Even now, he could still hear Ram’s hate-filled roar, her heartrending wails from losing Rem.
That was the moment. That was the point of no return.
Subaru ought to have never fled the manor. Even if he didn’t have the resolve to endure the pain, he should have faced Ram and spoken to her.
He’d missed his chance, and now their hearts were separated forever.
Having let it slip through his hands once, Subaru could never have it back.
—At least, in that world.
With a low, gloomy voice, Beatrice interrupted his silent contemplation.
“The older sister endured for the younger. The younger sister lived for the older. Neither could exist without the other.”
Beatrice ran her fingers through her own ornate hair, not looking back at Subaru as she continued to speak.
“Now that one half is lost, the whole can never return. Roswaal is unlikely to forgive it, either.”
Re:ZERO -Starting Life in Another World-, Vol. 2 Page 22
