by Liz Czukas
Dedication
To Peg Grafwallner,
Terry McGinn, and especially
Tim Grandy
Contents
Dedication
Part 1
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Part 2
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Part 3
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Acknowledgments
Back Ads
About the Author
Credits
Copyright
About the Publisher
1 In which I introduce myself
Before she left, my mom gave me three things: (1) her wedding ring, (2) a closet full of kick-ass vintage clothing, and (3) the worst name in the world. The ring I keep in the shoe box under my bed, because seriously, a seventeen-year-old wearing a wedding ring? That’s just weird. The clothing makes up the foundation of my wardrobe. And the name I’m changing as soon as I’m eighteen, because no one should have to go through life named Heart LaCoeur.
I know, right? You’re probably thinking I’m a porn star, or a stripper. Maybe a romance novelist, if you’re feeling generous. But I’m just a high school student with a lust for Broadway musicals and an unhealthy relationship with The Big Book of Baby Names. My copy is dog-eared, highlighted, and Sharpied into complete submission. I’ve got less than a year to go until I can march my butt down to the courthouse and choose my very own name for the rest of my life. Right now I’m leaning toward Audrey, after Audrey Hepburn, or Brigitte after Brigitte Bardot.
Sometimes, people ask me what it’s like to be named Heart, but how am I supposed to answer that? I mean, how would you answer if a fish popped out of a lake and asked you what it was like to breathe oxygen? Apart from freaking out that a fish was talking to you, of course. You don’t know what it’s like to breathe anything else. You’d probably be like, “I don’t know. It’s okay, I guess. What’s it like to breathe water, Talking Fish?”
But this is not a story about talking fish.
It’s a story about prom.
I already had a date to prom—seven of them, actually, since I was going with a big group of friends. We’d dubbed ourselves the No Drama Prom-a Crew. Our entire goal for the night was to have fun, and not sweat all the clichés, like backseat-virginity-losing and ill-gotten beer. No thank you. No date, no drama, and my killer vintage lavender gown were my idea of prom perfection.
Then Ryan messed it all up.
2 During which I receive my first unexpected invitation to prom
It is a universal truth that a person cannot run in clogs, but that didn’t stop me from trying. I was already late for play practice, and I knew from experience that the great and powerful director, Len Greenwich, did not think inappropriate footwear was a valid excuse. It finally occurred to me in the last fifty yards that I would probably move a lot faster if I just took off my shoes. Not to mention I was much quieter in bare feet.
I eased open one of the auditorium’s doors and peeked through. In an amazing stroke of luck, Greenwich was onstage, his back to me. I seized the moment and scurried up the side aisle to join my friends in the first few rows.
“You’re late,” Lisa sang under her breath, looking at me out of the corners of her dark eyes.
“Gee, really?” I made a face as I squeezed past her to get an empty seat farther down the row.
“Spleen.” Schroeder greeted me with an extended fist, as I practically collapsed into the seat beside him. He never called me by my real name, always by some other internal organ. His favorites lately had been Pancreas and Lung. This may have been some type of misguided comeuppance on his part, as I refused to call him by his real name—Chase. But at least me calling him Schroeder is less disgusting than being called Spleen. And it’s because he has blond hair, and plays the piano, like that kid from the Snoopy cartoons. Plus, his last name is Schaefer. How could I resist?
I bumped my knuckles into his—a little harder than strictly necessary. “Did I miss anything?”
“Yeah, Greenwich recast the entire show. You’re my understudy now. Bad day to be late.”
I lifted my left foot to slide my clog back on, and while I was at it, took a moment to smack Schroeder in the thigh with it. Highly satisfactory.
He rubbed at the spot and scowled at me. “Did you learn nothing in our special bullying assembly?”
“Nothing.” I smiled sweetly.
“All right, full cast onstage!” Greenwich hollered. “Let’s go, people, we don’t have much time!”
I hurried after Schroeder as he moved toward the center aisle, but ended up tripping over a seat that didn’t spring back to the upright position. “Ow!” I hobbled the rest of the way out of the row.
“Serves you right,” Schroeder whispered with a grin.
I made a face at him, and it was still all twisted up in a trollish expression when someone whispered my name.
Ryan, a stage crew techie, was standing near the side exit with a big black stage light braced against his body.
I rearranged my face into something normal. “Bonjour, Ry.” Ryan and I were in the same French class and had been for three years. We always partnered for conversational exercises, because we found each other amusing. Plus, we had about the same skill level—i.e., a false belief that we were much better at French than we probably were.
Ryan beckoned me closer with a jerking head motion. “Listen . . . I was wondering . . . would you want to go to prom with me? As friends.” He added the last part quickly, bobbling the light.
“What?” I blinked at him, distracted by concern that he might drop the expensive piece of equipment on his foot.
“I know it’s kind of short notice, but I just thought . . .”
“Uhh . . .” If you’d asked me thirty seconds earlier if Ryan was even thinking of asking me to prom, I probably would have checked you for fever. Now I had to give him an answer to this out-of-nowhere question? Oh my God, I really did have to answer him. He was staring at me all expectant. “Uhh . . .”
“It’s no big deal,” he said, shaking his head quickly. “Seriously, just as friends.”
“HEART!” Greenwich bellowed. “Onstage. Now.”
I winced, and whispered, “Sorry, gotta go!”
“Right. Sorry.” Ryan looked away from me and blushed as he backed into the fire bar to shove the techies’ entrance open. I leaped toward the stage steps, nearly losing my right clog in my desire to flee. The very definition of smooth. So now I felt like a jerk in addition to being completely clumsy.
“Breakin’ hearts, eh, Pancreas?” Schroeder asked as I slid past him to take my place.
My stomach fluttered. “Eavesdrop much?” I raised my eyebrows in an attempt to look indifferent.
“Just observing . . .” Schroeder shrugged.
“What was that?” Lisa whispered.
“Ryan asked me to prom,” I whispered back.
Her eyes widened. “Techie Ryan? And you said yes?”
“I didn’t say anything, actually.”
“All right, people, from the top!” Greenwich s
houted. “Try not to be too horrible. I already have a headache.”
You’d think a guy whose major accomplishment in life was high school theater would be a little less pretentious.
3 Wherein my brother and I kick Alex Trebek’s French-Canadian butt, and I get conscripted as a stunt date
At home, my brother, Phil, was pulling a pizza out of the oven. When it’s not football season, Phil is in charge of dinner, which usually translates to pizza, Hamburger Helper, or anything he can transfer directly from the freezer to the microwave.
“Ooh la la. Très gourmet,” I teased. I try to work French into my daily life, because I think it adds a certain chicness. Which is totally a word.
Phil laughed through his nose, French style.
“Will Dad be joining us this evening?” I hung my backpack and jacket on the hook by the back door.
“Doubtful.” Our dad owns a carpet and flooring company, and no matter how hard he tries, he just never seems to make it home for dinner. The man has an honorary PhD in Leftovers.
“I’ll make a salad.”
Phil made a gagging sound as he rooted through a drawer for the pizza cutter.
“I’m trying to save you from scurvy, Phil. You should thank me.”
“My Flintstones Gummy meets all my anti-scurvy needs, thank you very much.”
“Plus, it makes you so mature and classy.”
“Just hurry up. It’s almost six.”
We had a secret, my brother and I. We spent our mealtimes watching Jeopardy! and Wheel of Fortune. Our grandma used to watch them when she was still alive and babysitting for us every day after school. Now I wasn’t sure if it was habit or sentiment, but we were avid fans of Alex and Pat. We could totally win Jeopardy! if they let us play as a team.
“Da-da da-da da-da-dah . . .” I sang the theme song to Jeopardy! as we settled into our usual spots and Phil took command of the remote. We munched happily for the first round, calling out answers between bites.
At least, I was talking between bites.
Phil had a nasty tendency to talk with his mouth full, so when he said, “Hey, by the way, Amy dumped Troy,” it sounded like, “Ay, buyawah, A-E duh Twah.”
Luckily, I have a lot of experience talking to my brother around wads of food, so I could answer, “Bummer. He okay?” His friend Troy was one of those football jock types who resembled nothing so much as a teddy bear in shoulder pads. He was super nice. One of Phil’s friends that I actually liked. My brother and I were close in age, but we ran in totally different circles.
“Eh.” He shrugged and swallowed the last of his pizza. “Anyway, he already had tickets to prom, so I said you’d go with him.”
“What?!” He’d said it so casually I almost didn’t believe I’d heard him right.
“Come on, it’s Troy.”
Yeah, sure, I liked Troy, but I had enough prom invitations on my plate as it was. “I can’t!”
“Why not?”
“Um, hello? I already planned to go with all my friends, remember?”
“They’ll still be there. You can’t leave Troy hanging like this.”
“How is he possibly my responsibility?” I demanded, twisting on the couch to face my brother.
Phil leaned back and rolled his eyes. “It’s not like you have real plans.”
“I do, too! Why do you always act like my plans don’t count?”
“Don’t be such a girl. You’re going with a group. It doesn’t count.”
“For your information, someone asked me to prom just this afternoon.”
“Oh.” That seemed to stymie him, but only for a moment. “But you just said you were going with your friends.”
“Well . . . I didn’t tell Ryan yes yet. But that’s not the point. The point is, I have two reasons to say no to you pimping me out.”
“You didn’t say yes? Dude, that’s so harsh.”
“It wasn’t like that.” I dismissed him with a wave of my hand. “We got interrupted. It’s not like I said no.” Conveniently, Ryan had been off in one of the mysterious places techies disappear to when practice ended, so I’d escaped without answering him.
“So you can still say no.”
“No!”
“There, see? You just said it. You’re good at it.”
“Not funny, Phil.”
“Do you seriously expect me to tell Troy that he’s so pathetic even my little sister won’t go to the dance with him? This is going to kill him.” Phil grimaced.
“Even if I ignore the fact that you just implied going to the dance with me is pathetic, you are being completely unfair. There’s got to be some other girl. Why don’t you draft another cheerleader or something? Make Tara scrounge someone up.” Tara was my brother’s girlfriend.
“Heart. Do this for me. I already told him you would.”
“Well, whose fault is that?”
“Come on. You know you want to.” This was one of Phil’s classic lines. He said it every time he called me for a ride five minutes before curfew.
“I really don’t.”
“Do it for Troy, then.”
“Now you’re just playing dirty.” I stacked our dishes noisily and stomped toward the kitchen.
“You’re going!” Phil called after me.
“I am not!”
“You’re going . . . ,” he sang out so I’d hear him in the kitchen.
“I’m no-ot!” I sang back. Louder.
4 On the subject of my unappreciated genius
My only option was an emergency three-way call with Cassidy and Lisa.
“Ryan asked you first.” Cassidy was firm in her decision from the beginning.
“Technically, Phil said I’d go with Troy first.”
“You can’t let Phil boss you around like that,” Cassidy said.
“You know how he is.”
She huffed. “Yeah. Bossy.”
“And technically, your friends asked you first,” Lisa reminded us. Which they totally did, of course, but since none of my No Drama Prom-a friends had actually asked me to prom, it felt, I don’t know—rude?—to say no to Ryan and Troy.
“True.” I chewed the inside of my cheek. I hate situations where someone is guaranteed to end up disappointed.
“Oh, come on, we all know that’s just the fallback plan,” Cassidy said. “The No Drama Prom-a is like your safety school.”
“That is so tacky,” Lisa said.
“Forget about who asked me first.” I needed them to focus. “You have to admit, even though Phil totally should have checked with me, Troy’s story is pretty sad.”
“Phil shouldn’t be involving you at all,” Lisa said. “This is not your problem.”
“Do you want to go with Troy?” Cassidy wanted to know.
“I don’t know, but if Ryan had never asked me, I probably would have said I’d go with Troy. That’s got to count for something.”
“Except that you already have plans,” Lisa interjected.
I ignored Lisa, knowing from years of experience that she would most likely repeat her official stance at every opportunity. “And what if Ryan doesn’t just want to go as friends? What if he’s, like, trying to segue prom into something more? Doesn’t he realize I don’t do that sort of thing?”
“Of course he knows. You tell anyone who will listen,” Cassidy said.
“But what if he doesn’t believe it?”
“Your fear of commitment could not be more cliché,” Lisa said.
“It’s not fear of commitment!” I protested, like always. I had no fear of commitment. In fact, I really hoped for a committed relationship. Someday. But that day was not until I was a hundred percent certain of my choice of person-I-want-to-spend-the-rest-of-my-life-with, and if there was anything my mother had taught me, it was that eighteen-year-olds were not capable of making that sort of decision. Eighteen-year-olds get knocked up—then do it again when they’re nineteen—and then freak out and leave their kids behind for a life of . . . who even knew what my mot
her was doing? All I’d learned from my grandparents was that she’d always dreamed of being a flight attendant.
Cassidy brought us back to the matter at hand. “Who do you want to go with?”
“I don’t know.” I shrugged.
“That’s the problem. You’re too indecisive.”
“How is it indecisive not to know? The world is full of mystery.”
“Who do you want to go with?” Cassidy repeated.
“I . . .” I tried to imagine myself at prom. When I was a little girl, back before I realized that romance was like a field of land mines, I always thought it would be this magical, romantic night where I’d be a princess at my own personal ball, and I’d dance with the love of my life, and stars would shine down on us as we kissed—sweet, puckered up, non-French kisses, because these were my nine-year-old fantasies—during the last song. Now I realize it’s just another dance. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had plenty of good times at dances, but that’s all they are. Just a reason to wear a fancy dress and shake your booty to music you wouldn’t otherwise be caught dead listening to. The only romance I expected out of prom night was my passionate love for the vintage dress I’d found at Take Two.
“I don’t know,” I answered in complete honesty.
“Oh, come on,” Cassidy groaned. “It’s the last dance of the night. A slow song. You’re standing in the middle of the dance floor, gazing into the eyes of your prom date. Is it Ryan, or is it Troy?”
I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to put myself in the scene, and God help me if the song from the last scene of that vampire movie wasn’t the first music that came to mind. Where was my mental prom taking place—2008? Maybe my middle school self was still in charge of all prom-based fantasies. I could see my hand resting lightly on a shoulder, but when I looked at the face, it was an amorphous blob. Concentrating hard enough to screw up my face, I managed to get the image flickering back and forth between Troy’s spiky brownish hair, blue eyes, and wide grin, and Ryan’s dark hair, with eyes to match, and his tendency to smile with only half his mouth.
“It could be fun with either of them!” I finally said, with more of an annoying whine than I really like to resort to. I’m fairly certain Brigitte and Audrey never whined.
