Kiss Cam

by Kiara London

  I decide to take action on Friday when there’s no sign of Jasper trying to change the way things have been going. He can’t keep avoiding me, and I can’t keep chickening out. Because I have been chickening out, and that’s because I’m afraid he’ll be angry at me for putting us both through this. But I don’t know that for sure. And if Jasper was serious about his feelings for me, then maybe I still have a chance to mend what I broke.

  When the final bell rings, I go back to my locker to pick up my coat and get rid of books I won’t need over the weekend. With my backpack resting on my feet, I plunge one arm into the sleeve of my coat and look over my shoulder to see if I can find Jasper among the other students. My fingers are fumbling with my zipper when I see him across the hall, leaning against the door of his locker. The zipper comes to a halt halfway up my torso when I realize that he’s not alone.

  I can’t make out who it is, but the girl is my height with short, gold-colored hair. She’s twisting from side to side as she talks to him, hugging a textbook close to her chest. Something she’s said makes him lift his chin and deliver a flirty half grin. I’m curious now and pick up my backpack in preparation to get closer to the scene. But just as I’m closing my locker door, I notice her scribble something onto the corner of some notebook paper and rip it off to hand it to him. He takes it and holds it tightly between his fingers as he watches her walk away.

  If this had happened weeks earlier, I would have walked over and snatched the scrap of paper from his hands to discover it’s a phone number. He would have wrestled me for it, and I would have teased him and asked him a ton of immature questions regarding the budding relationship. But that was then, and this is now. Seeing him smile so brightly at that other girl when he’s done nothing but give me forced smiles makes my insides burn.

  It hardly seems fair. I know I don’t deserve those charming smiles, but to see something that was mine directed at someone else leaves an uncomfortable feeling boiling under my skin. It makes me second-guess everything that happened between us.

  It’s a sense of urgency that breaks me from my stunned reverie and pushes me in his direction. We’ve all been meeting by his car at the end of the day. After that it’s a silent ride home, and he drops me off first. This time, however, I’m changing the pattern. I have to say something, and I have to do it quick.

  I catch him before he makes it to the student parking exit and tug him back by the sleeve before he pushes the door open. “Hey,” I say.

  He swivels quite dramatically and stumbles out of my grasp, which is so Jasper-like that I can’t help but roll my eyes.

  “I—uh—June . . . hi.” I smile softly at him, thinking about how strange it is to see him this way with me. His confidence has been shattered, that’s for sure. I myself feel my throat tighten when he says my name. We haven’t had a private discussion since that night. I don’t plan to do it here, but I figure I’ll give him a brief notice.

  Ignoring the way his body recoils from me, I give him the news. “We need to talk. Today, Jas.”

  His eyes meet mine nervously, like he’s afraid I’ll further hurt his pride or humiliate him in some way. I can’t believe he’d think that of me, but at the same time I understand why.

  “Like, talk talk or . . . acknowledge each other, or . . .” He trails off.

  “I have no problem acknowledging you,” I say a bit aggressively. Then, upon seeing his jaw clench, I add in a gentler tone, “That’s part of what we need to talk about.”

  “Fine,” he says coolly, and lets his weight fall onto the door, pushing it open.

  He lets me walk out before him and then we walk separately to his car, finding Lenny ready to go in the passenger seat.

  Jasper parks in his driveway and pulls the key out of the ignition, cutting off the radio. The silence doesn’t have time to settle, Jasper makes sure of that.

  Grabbing hold of the passenger seat headrest to help him twist around, he looks me dead in the eye and asks, “Are we doing this here or in the house?”

  I wasn’t expecting him to be so forward, seeing as he’s been beating around the bush for the past week. However, I ignore the brashness, since I don’t want to lose momentum. He probably figured it will be easier for both of us if we do this quick and to the point. I can’t argue with that approach.

  “Your car’s heater works like shit, Jas. My hands are freezing.”

  “Fine, we’ll do this inside.” It’s a snappy response that begins and ends with him opening and slamming his car door. There’s an edge to his voice and I don’t know where it came from, but I intend to put an end to all this as soon as possible.

  I follow him out and jog across the lawn to keep up with him. When we step through the entry, he barely gives me time to shut the door. He grabs my hands from the doorknob and brings them to his lips, letting his massive hands fold over mine and trap the heat. My heart jumps into my throat, startled by the action, but melting as well. This is our thing.

  His eyes meet mine for a moment, and then he drops my hands like they’re burning his and turns away. My face flushes with embarrassment. He must have seen my mouth drop open or my eyebrows stitch together. Maybe he felt my pulse quicken. Perhaps he let go suddenly because he thought he saw a glimpse of something that could make the rejection sting even worse. My hands clench and I force myself to take a breath.

  He quickly pulls off his jacket, and a chain around his neck gets caught in the zipper. In a panic, he quickly unhooks it and throws the jacket away while hiding whatever is around his neck under his shirt.

  “What was that?” I ask, knowing full well how Jasper feels about wearing jewelry—and it’s not good.

  He looks back at me with flushed cheeks and furrowed brows that quickly disappear when he notices the confusion on my face.

  “It’s . . . nothing,” he says quietly, and shakes his head. “I’m sorry about New Year’s.”

  “I’m sorry, too,” I reply just as quietly. “That’s actually what we need to talk about—”

  “Look,” he interrupts, “I know what you’re going to say.” He turns his body completely toward mine, and we stand across from each other in the narrow hallway, looking like we’re about to duel.

  “You don’t, actually—”

  “I do,” he insists with a forced smile. “And that’s okay, because I’m over it and I’m moving on.”

  “What?” For a moment, I swear my heart stops beating.

  He reaches into his pocket and pulls out the piece of paper that girl handed to him after school. “This is a phone number from a girl named Elaina. She wants me to text her, and I’m willing. We have a class together, and she’s a great girl. If things go well, I might just take her to the Winter Semiformal next month.”

  “Elaina?”

  “Yeah, you see, it fixes everything,” he explains. “I can be with Elaina and we can go back to normal, just like you want.”

  It feels a little like sleepwalking off a cliff. For a moment you’re wandering, trying to make sense of everything, and then all of a sudden—you’ve hit free fall.

  I can feel the buildup in my chest before I can register what’s happening with me. I feel hollow, like I’ve lost everything. Like I just lost the race by a nanosecond—I even watched it happen. I watched them flirt, watched her hand him her number, and watched everything I thought I could save disappear.

  And all I can do is stare blankly ahead and say, “Oh.”

  “Yeah,” he replies a bit sheepishly. “So don’t worry about us. I’m better now.”

  I nod without fully realizing what I’m doing, and then I’m saying what I know I’m supposed to say. “I’m happy for you. I missed you.”

  “I missed you, too,” he repeats back with a boyish half grin, and strides back toward me to give me a short hug. “So we’re good?”

  I pull out of his arms and brush hair behind my ears. “Yeah, yeah, we’re good,” I tell him without meeting his eyes. “Glad we worked that out.”

 
Everything is numb, and I realize I’m still completely bundled up in my winter clothing and glance back at the door. “Well, I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”

  “All right.” He plasters on a smile that I can’t decide whether is real or fake, and I leave.

  Then I’m suddenly in my bedroom, collapsing onto my mattress with a tight chest and cold hands. I have no recollection of walking across the street, or fumbling with the key, or checking to see if my parents were home.

  I run my hands over my face and through my hair and let out deep breaths.

  Forget it. Move on. Forget it. Move on, I repeat over and over.

  I slide out of my jacket and hang it up, and when I do, I notice one pocket is heavier than the other. Frowning, I stick my hand in and discover Jasper’s Christmas gift to me still wrapped up in festive paper.

  Sniffling, I rip open the package and slide the lid off the box, and when I realize what’s inside, and what he tried to hide earlier, I curse myself and toss the trinket into my nightstand drawer.

  I jump into bed and pull the covers over me and try deep breaths again, but they’re useless, and the name Elaina is permanently etched in my head, and a half-heart necklace weighs so heavily in the drawer beside me I’m afraid the second floor will collapse.

  So many what-ifs run through my mind, and I’m so overwhelmed that I let myself cry.

  SOMETIME DURING THE following week, like all of Jasper’s romantic interests, Elaina has lunch with us. Not knowing her, I sit quietly throughout the lunch period and listen to her talk to Jasper and Allison.

  I didn’t really get a good look at her before, but while she’s chatting with the group, I eye her up. Before I only saw that she was my height with short, straight, gold-colored hair. Now I know that she’s got small green eyes and a small pointed nose. Her lips are round and pouty—also small. Everything about her is soft and delicate, making her cute. Even her smile is slight and shy—but maybe that was just her trying to be coy.

  Allison revealed to me in our last chat that Elaina shares an English class with her and Jasper, meaning that Elaina recognizes her face and tries including her in conversation. But from what I gather from Allison’s simple answers and tendency to redirect the questions to Jasper, she doesn’t like Elaina very much.

  I can see why that is, too. Allison is extremely opinionated and blunt, and so is Elaina. From the way Elaina talks, I can tell that they hold the exact opposite views on nearly everything. Allison is conservative and doesn’t beat around the bush unless she’s harboring one of her secrets. She gives it to you exactly how it is and brings up an argument based off past experiences. When Elaina speaks, she has no filter. She says exactly what’s on her mind and argues her opinion, even if it’s the wrong opinion.

  While this leads to playful banter between her and Jasper, it has Allison clenching her fork and forcibly swallowing verbal smack-downs. She’s being polite for Jasper’s sake, but I know she’ll be ranting all the way to history. Something a part of me can’t wait to hear.

  I can see why Jasper might like Elaina, though. She speaks so freely it makes for exciting conversation. She’s unconventionally pretty, accidentally flirty, and funny when you get her going. I thought she’d be quiet and small and dainty, but if anything, she makes up for being tiny with her big personality. Jasper can barely keep up with her, and I can tell by the way he looks at her when she laughs that moving on won’t take long at all.

  I can’t help but smile softly at him when he gives her one of those looks of admiration. I wonder if he ever looked at me like that.

  “I knew something was up,” Allison says as we climb the stairs to history.

  “What are you talking about?” I ask tiredly, dragging my feet as we go.

  She scrunches up her eyebrows and crosses her arms. “Don’t give me that, June,” she scolds. “You and Jasper have been weird. Not to mention he’s suddenly all cozy with that Elaina girl from our English class. They always get vocal during class debates, but now it’s just downright embarrassing. It’s like they’re arguing their points as an excuse to flirt.” She shakes her head dismissively and then thoughtfully adds, “He does this every single time.”

  “I have no idea what you’re trying to get at,” I say, “but Jasper and I are fine.”

  “As if,” she scoffs. “All of you are hiding something from me. Well, I want in. I deserve to be in. What happened over winter break?”

  “Nothing,” I say firmly. I would tell her, but I’m afraid if I talk about it, I’ll fall apart in front of her and she’ll remind me how she predicted something like this would happen. And if I’m being honest, I don’t want to hear that right now.

  I stop before the classroom doorway, allowing her to walk in first. She does and walks across the rapidly filling room to sink into her seat with a frustrated sigh. Leave it to Allison to try to uncover secrets that have been buried away for their own good.

  It’s not that I don’t trust Allison, because I do—obviously. You can tell her anything and she won’t tell a soul. Instead, she’ll keep it to herself and use it to give you advice and pick your brain.

  She loves to know everything. It gives her this kind of rush. Whether it be school knowledge, world knowledge, or political knowledge, she will take it in and talk about what she knows all day long. But secrets, those are different. She treats secrets like jewels, the most valuable of information. Once she has them, she’s not giving them away. What she will do, however, is discuss the secret with you whenever she can. It’s like taking that jewel, polishing it, and turning it into some kind of ornament to increase the value.

  Sighing, I slide into the desk beside hers and drop my backpack to the floor.

  “I guess it’s just a coincidence, then, that Jasper is doing the ole Distract Myself with a New Girl thing that he always does when he can’t stand it anymore?” she asks in a high voice that’s trying not to be demanding, but ends up coming out as accusatory. She doesn’t look at me when she says it, but busies herself with getting her history folder from her backpack, her nearly black hair falling in front of her face.

  It’s the word it that make my fists clench in my lap. What does it even mean? Is she implying that the relationship Jasper and I share becomes too much for him, so he puts the pent-up energy into some other girl? Or is she simply stating that I become too much?

  “Allison,” I warn, feeling the heat rise in my chest.

  “What, like it’s not obvious? Every time you two start getting too touchy and warm, he runs to another girl so he can put some space between you—not because he hates you, because c’mon, this is Jasper we’re talking about, but because he knows you’re not into him like that. He’s been running away for years. And now he’s doing it again. So, what happened, June?”

  My heart races as she talks, and I can feel my eyebrows furrowing together, eyes growing wide in anticipation of her next words. Could it be true? Has he been in love with me longer than I thought—and how long? Freshman year? I had the biggest crush on him then. Surely he would have known—sensed it at least—yet he still went after another girl? Could he possibly be that afraid of rejection? Would I have said yes to him then? If it’s true, why did he keep that secret for so long—and how could Allison possibly know all this? But then it dawns on me that this is all Allison speculation. That even if it is true, it’s too late. I’ve killed my chances now.

  So after a moment of white-hot excitement, the flame dies down inside me and I resign myself to a faint orange glow.

  I decide I have to fill in some information for her. So I quickly relate to her everything that’s happened since New Year’s Eve before the bell rings.

  “Whoa,” she says under the shrill ring of the bell. She looks down at her desk and taps her fingers across the surface for a moment. “You’re going to hate me for saying this—but I knew things would happen like this. But this is just what you guys do. When one of you starts to feel something for the other, you pour those feelings into someo
ne else. He did it with Bree. You did it with Milo. Now he’s doing it again with Elaina. It’s textbook Jasiper.”

  I smile a little at her last comment but slump back into my chair in a defeated posture. “Maybe it’s not meant to be.”

  She shakes her head. “No, I think it means you are. You’re never apart for too long because you miss each other too much. I’ve seen it happen a hundred times with Jasper. You’ve just got to wait, June.”

  “What if this was it?”

  She reaches across the aisle and places a warm hand on my shoulder. “You and Jasper? Not possible. Like I said, just wait. Be patient with him. You care about him, and he cares about you. If you want it, it’s worth it. Do you want it?”

  I think about everything Jasper and I have ever been through, how everybody we know sees something special in the two of us, and I nod. “Yeah, I want it.”

  “Then be patient. He’ll come back.” With one final squeeze, she pulls away, and I’m pulled back to a world where Jasiper doesn’t matter and American history does. I figure, it’s time I really took her advice.

  I’m not too surprised when Jasper brings Lenny and me straight to his house after school on Thursday. Since he’s been including me again, I’d been hoping to do the Q&A video with them tonight.

  When we’re inside removing our jackets and shoes, I notice Jasper turn toward me, ready to grab my hands, but then he stops himself and shoves his hands in his pockets instead. I was willing to let him warm my hands because they’re freezing, but seeing him stop reminds me of our new boundaries. Warming my hands, something he’s always done, is now off-limits.

  I try not to let the disappointment reflect across my face when I pull my hands away and bring them to my own lips instead. His eyes catch mine for a moment, seeing me take over, and he quickly turns away, mumbling something to Lenny about being hungry.

  Lenny must have noticed the exchange and looks back at me when Jasper begins to make his way down the hall. “You okay?” he mouths.