by Kiara London
I give him a reassuring smile and nod.
Patience, I remind myself. Patience.
JASPER TOPS OFF his gas tank on the way home from school almost a week later. While he busies himself with the gas pump, I try not to inhale the gasoline fumes that somehow waft in. Lenny sits in front of me, laptop pulled out and fingers banging vigorously over the keyboard.
My head rests back on the seat, and I tilt it to the left to watch Jasper as he bounces around to keep warm while the numbers grow on the pump. I can see my breath now that he’s turned his car off, not that it was doing much to warm us up in the first place, but for some reason it seems twice as chilly when we’re standing still.
He met me at my locker for the first time today in what has felt like forever. Usually he would have slung an arm around my shoulder, or ruffled my hair, or jostled me around. You could tell, though, that it’d been a little while since we messed around with each other like that. When he came by, he leaned against the locker next to mine and announced himself with a cheery, “Hello, Juniper.” It was familiar and different all at the same time. I, of course, responded just as cheerfully, but I still think he noticed the hesitation. Things were starting to go back to normal, which was exciting, but at the same time, I wished things could be different with us. I wished I hadn’t been so stubborn.
“So what do you think of her?”
Startled, I snap my head forward, in case I was caught staring, and look at the back of Lenny’s head a bit guiltily. “Sorry, what?”
“Elaina,” he says, and pushes the sun visor down so that he can look at me in the mirror. “What do you think of her?”
Lenny doesn’t know what Allison knows. He doesn’t know how I feel about Jasper now. And I figure it’s not the right time or place to let him know. So I shrug and tilt my head from side to side thoughtfully. “She seems all right from what I’ve seen.” My fingers are restless in my lap. “She’s like the other girls he’s dated.”
“Allison doesn’t like her.” Lenny smirks. “Did you see her face when Elaina dissed a teacher she likes? I think she saw red.”
I breathe out an airy laugh. “You didn’t have to hear the rant she went on about Elaina after lunch. So, what about you? What do you think of Elaina?”
“Like you said.” He shrugs. “She’s the type that he dates. You know, chatty, smells good . . . liberal. She’s got Jasper written all over her.”
I nod and the driver’s door pops open, letting in a blast of cold air followed by Jasper. Sinking back in my seat, I adjust my knees and tuck myself into a tighter ball, letting my head fall back against the seat. Lenny’s eyes flit back up to the mirror briefly, and then he folds the sun visor back up, allowing my eyes to fall back on Jasper without worry.
I watch him while he drives and make a mental checklist, ticking off areas where I meet the requirements of being datable according to his standards. I never thought I measured up to his past girlfriends. All of them have been charismatic and playful and lovely on all accounts. I never once had a problem with them. I would get annoyed when they’d order Jasper around when his plans involved me, but it was easy to see where they were coming from. I was a threat to them.
Maybe they were threatened by me because they saw something that I don’t see in myself. It’s possible that I tick many things on his list, but line me up next to Elaina and I’m sure she ticks more.
Jasper glances up into the rearview mirror and notices me staring. I give him a quick smile and turn my head to look out the window. I want to tell him everything, but I know I can’t.
After a short gathering at Jasper’s with Lenny, I go straight to my bedroom. My laptop is open on my bed, but the screen black. I had been answering e-mails before Jasper picked me up this morning, and I guess I forgot to turn my computer off. It doesn’t matter now, because I push the screen down and shove it to the foot of my bed after I sit down.
I hadn’t given the trinket much thought, just tossed it away and buried my face in my pillows.
Pulling my nightstand drawer open, I’m greeted with odds and ends I don’t need but don’t want to get rid of, either. At the top of the pile there’s a letter we received from VlogIt a few years ago, inviting us to a meet-and-greet. I kept the pay stub of my first paycheck. Old friendship bracelets from middle school are littering the bottom. My fingers feel around for a while, coming across paper clips and developed pictures I had forgotten about, until finally I feel the uneven edge of a broken heart.
I pull the simple silver pendant from the drawer and hold it up so that I can see it reflect the setting sun from the partially covered windows in my bedroom.
I don’t know why I wanted to see it so bad, and even as I’m holding it before my eyes I don’t understand what possessed me to dig it up. Sighing, I drag a hand over my face and lower the necklace into my lap.
I wonder what he’s done with his since the last time I saw it, when he was frantically slipping it back under his shirt. They were for us, and now I don’t know if us is going to happen. So what do you do with something like that? Do I keep it tucked away in my drawer as a token of sentiment? Do I rid myself of the evidence?
I don’t think he’s gotten rid of his. Like me, I think he’s keeping it stashed somewhere. It would feel wrong not to keep it. I mean, it’s from Jasper, after all.
Running a hand through my hair, I lift the necklace back up and purse my lips, deciding that it’s best to keep it stashed as before. Like the other things in my nightstand drawer, it’s not necessary to keep, but I don’t have the heart to get rid of it, either. It’s just one of those things you carry with you. You carry it with you because maybe one day it’ll matter again.
When I arrive at school the following morning, there’s a note taped to my locker alongside a rose. I stare at it in confusion for a second and glance down the hall in both directions. Students march up and down the tiled floor, but nobody looks particularly suspicious, so I flip the top open to examine the messy handwriting.
Winter Semiformal? Let me know yes or no. I’m always an option.
—Milo
I swallow and glance over my shoulder to check the hall again, because Milo is the kind of person who would love to see the look on my face right after reading the invitation. When I confirm that he’s not in fact on the premises, I look back at the note and release an airy laugh.
I should have known. It was only a matter of time before he’d try this again. With Kiss Cam and the absence of it still being top news on VlogIt, I should have known he’d be waiting for a vulnerable moment.
I know he watches WereVloggingHere on VlogIt. It’s something I liked about him when we met. He seemed to be genuinely interested in me after watching our vlogs. It was like he already knew me.
Kiss Cam has probably made me seem easy in his eyes, like he could easily manipulate me again. Plus, with Jasper paired off with Elaina, he’s no longer a threat.
Jasper was always someone Milo would get jealous over. I got so cut off from Jasper while dating Milo that I almost thought we weren’t friends anymore.
It should be easy to say no, but then I wonder if I am going to get asked by anyone else. Definitely not Jasper at this point. Things are going far too well between him and Elaina for him to want to go through with our usual Winter Semiformal antics.
If Milo agrees to be a simple escort, it would make the offer easier to accept, but I don’t think that’s what he has in mind. Milo doesn’t offer anything for free. If he doesn’t benefit from me, he won’t go, and I’m in no place to pay a price. I’m working on Jasper, and I don’t need Milo getting in the way.
The idea of going with him sits heavily on my mind all day, and I’m bursting at the seams to announce my predicament to someone, anyone, just to get their opinion. A lull in conversation at our lunch table gives me the perfect opportunity.
“So,” I say. Lenny glances up at me, and I turn my eyes down while I move some green beans around with my fork. “Milo’s back.”
Jasper clears his throat and leans forward. “What?”
“Yes,” Allison butts in. “What?”
The hatred Allison has for Milo is mutual. Put those two in a room and they’ll have at it. When I refused to do anything with Milo, he decided to get back at me by trying to shag Allison. It was an unsuccessful endeavor, to say the least.
While answers are being demanded, I unzip my backpack and pull out the note and the rose. “He asked me to the Winter Semiformal,” I clarify. Lenny’s eyes shift to Jasper, who lets out a rather obnoxious snort of disapproval.
“Don’t tell me you’re considering going with him. The guy’s a pervert.”
“She most definitely is not going with him,” Allison says firmly, face stony with disbelief.
“He just wanted me to know he’s an option,” I continue, despite their immediate disapproval.
“It doesn’t matter.” Jasper bats the idea away with a flick of his wrist, and Elaina looks between us in confusion. “What does he think is going to happen by taking you to the dance?”
“I really don’t know.” I shrug, even though I already know how to answer Milo’s request. “I just figured I’d see what you guys thought.”
Jasper’s eyebrows pinch together. “Uh-huh,” he mumbles.
I understand why he’s upset. He got a real earful after Milo and I broke up. Milo and I had our problems, and I’m very aware that he’s trouble. But Jasper’s parading around with Elaina all the time, and I don’t have to be alone to prove anything to him.
Elaina glances at Jasper uncertainly and places a hand on his arm. Then she turns to me. “Sorry, I’m lost.”
It takes quite a bit of restraint not to turn to her and say, “This conversation doesn’t include you, so politely back off,” but I settle for digging my heels into the floor. She doesn’t mean to be annoying, or nosy, that’s just how her position is as the newbie to our group.
“Ex-boyfriend,” I brief her. “He wasn’t exactly a good guy.”
“Well then, why bring him up?” she asks, hand still lightly stroking Jasper’s arm as if trying to calm him. He pinches his bottom lip between his fingers and stares off past me.
“I just wanted opinions. What happened between Milo and me was a long time ago. Things could have changed,” I all but snap. Allison kicks me under the table, and I grip my fork harder to stop from crying out.
“Don’t go with him,” Jasper mumbles, and hunches over to shovel some food into his mouth. My heart flutters, eyes softening when they fall on him.
Elaina must notice, because she scans Jasper for a moment and then says to me, “Well, you got your answer.”
I let a breath out my nose and reply flatly, “Great.”
Lenny quickly changes the subject by asking a random editing question, and Jasper takes the bait. Meanwhile, Elaina keeps glancing at me curiously—not in a bitter, suspicious way, but in a way that looks like she’s analyzing the situation between Jasper and me.
So the topic of Milo is dropped, and I realize that it was stupid to consider, anyway. He’s just another obstacle I have to dodge on my path back to normality with Jasper. And by the way Elaina is staring at me, I figure there’s still hope.
“DO I LOOK all right?”
Jasper glances between Lenny and me, waiting for us to approve his outfit. I look him up and down, from his nice jeans up to his pale-blue button-up shirt and effortlessly styled hair. It’s Friday night and he’s going out with Elaina. The first-date jitters are really beginning to kick in. I can tell by the way he fumbles with the buttons on his sleeves and bites his lip.
“You look great,” I assure him. It’s the truth. Normally geeky-looking in a graphic tee and jeans, he looks quite mature and handsome all cleaned up. I can’t stop noticing how the first couple of buttons of his shirt are undone. Just a month ago, he wore that open-collared shirt for a different reason. My stomach knots at the memory.
Lenny spins around in Jasper’s desk chair and purses his lips when he sees Jasper’s formal wear. “Where are you guys going again?”
“Just to the movies, but I’m asking her to the Winter Semiformal afterward.” He sounds a bit flustered, and I can tell he wants this to go as smoothly as possible.
“No pressure,” Lenny sings.
“Exactly.” He nods. “So I can’t afford to screw this up—and I’m so nervous, what do I even say . . . ?” He trails off while his fingers continue to fumble with the button on his shirtsleeves, lip twitching impatiently. After a moment he makes a strangled groan and turns to me, frustration bubbling over. “For the love of God, help me, June.”
I’m surprised to hear him beg for my help instead of Lenny’s. I think he may have surprised himself as well, because when I stand up, he holds out his arm but turns his face away while I button his sleeve for him. Just because all of us have been hanging out as a group like always doesn’t mean Jasper and I have gotten back to our usual selves. We’re still being unnaturally careful with boundaries, and I’m guessing his cry for help was an impulse.
My cheeks flush as I finish buttoning the sleeve, and I quietly sink back down onto the mattress. It’s hard to say something to him when he’s preparing for a date with another girl. And I can’t even complain, because it’s my fault she’s here in the first place.
“Breathe, man,” Lenny calls from his spot at Jasper’s desk. He’s leaning forward now, elbows on his knees. “It’s just a movie and a question. Easy.”
Jasper scrubs his face with his hands and releases a groan. “What time is it?”
Lenny toes the floor with his socked feet and swivels around to check Jasper’s open laptop. “Almost six.”
“Shoot,” Jasper mumbles, and spins around to his dresser to spritz himself with cologne and pull socks from the first drawer. “I’ve gotta go.”
Lenny stands up and walks after me as I follow Jasper out of his room and down the stairs. “At least let us know how it goes.” His voice sounds eager.
“You’ll be the first to know,” Jasper calls back to him, and leaps down the last three steps, disappearing down the hall in a jog. “Let yourselves out. I’ll see you guys tomorrow. Bye.”
Lenny and I stand at the foot of the stairs, listening to him. It’s moments after he tells us good-bye that he’s slipping on his shoes and sliding out the door.
“Did he look all right to you?” Lenny asks in the silence that follows the slam of the front door. “He left us in his house.”
I place my hand on the banister, eyes fixated on the spot where Jasper just stood and feet heavy on the floor. “No,” I say, feeling dread settle in at the idea of him going to the dance with a girl that’s not me.
Well, not just me. All of us go to the dance together every year and vlog all night. We go shopping at a thrift store and buy crazy outfits, and we dance and laugh and have such a good time the hours turn to minutes. I can’t imagine going with anyone else.
“How about you, then?”
I turn to him, eyes narrowing. “What?”
He shoves his hands in his pockets and motions to me by rocking forward on his tiptoes. I’ve begun to notice he does that when he’s being completely serious.
“Are you all right?”
“Of course,” I say quickly, and push hair from my face. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
He shoots me that look that everyone gives me these days, and I realize he knows. He knows how I feel about Jasper, and I don’t know if Allison told him or if he just figured it out, but it still causes dread to surge through me and make my posture collapse.
I groan and turn toward the staircase, letting my forehead fall to the banister for a moment before pulling away and staring up at the ceiling. I don’t know what to be feeling. I’m confused, yet terribly sorted out. I’m happy for Jasper but also feeling strange and disoriented with my own feelings for him. Jasper looks fine and I look fine but we’re not fine. I miss him, but I did this to myself. Nothing feels familiar no matter how hard we try. An
d I knew this would happen to us.
Knowing that he’s trying to make things happen with Elaina makes me regret everything that happened, but I know that even if I wanted to take it back, I can’t now. I just have to wait. But it’s miserable.
“This isn’t right,” I mutter.
Lenny sighs. “I thought things were off, and then when Allison realized I didn’t know, she let me in on the secret.” I glance over at him, and he shrugs. “Look, I know this sucks, but you made your bed. Now you have to lie in it.”
“I hate that,” I say softly, and my face scrunches up while I lean closer to the banister.
“I know.”
He sounds genuinely sympathetic, and I know I look about as awful as I sound.
After a couple of minutes of silence, he asks, “Want some ice cream? If I were you, I’d need some ice cream. My freezer is fully stocked.”
“Give me everything you have.”
When Jasper came back that night, he let both Lenny and me know that the date went great and he now had a date to the Winter Semiformal. That, of course, was followed by a long slew of apologies for not being able to do our usual thrift store stunt.
What Lenny said that night clearly projected itself with the way I handled the situation. I had to lie in the bed that I’d made. So I enthusiastically told him that everything was great and that we didn’t mind at all. We were glad he was happy.
I was being too peppy, overcompensating to make things seem like they were fine, but they weren’t. They really weren’t.
“Valentine’s Day is next week.”
I glance sideways at Jasper as I pack my backpack for the weekend. He’s got his back against the locker door next to mine, and his hand is hanging from the back of his head, fingers curling in the baby hairs there.
For the past week we’ve been struggling to find ways to talk to each other, and I wasn’t expecting Valentine’s Day to be today’s grand opener. I assumed it would be a topic to avoid.
