by Kiara London
I look different, too. My curls are more defined and my eyes lighter. I still look young in the face, but at least I actually have breasts now, even though they’re hidden under a sweatshirt—his sweatshirt, I realize. His Blackhawks one that I stole awhile back. It makes me smile at our reflection.
How could we have lost ourselves so much? How could we have let ourselves get carried away with our feelings?
It feels right to sit here and do things we did when we were younger. But I still wish he would have kissed me. I wish I was gutsy enough to have kissed him before he said stop.
It’s not pity love, I remind myself. He just doesn’t want everything he’s had to go through to feel like a waste. Maybe that’s why he wants to do this with me. Restart. He just wants a clean slate.
Maybe I should let him go. We fight each other too much. We’re too scared. We work best as friends. But my stomach stirs when his fingers brush my neck, and I can’t help but feel a crippling attraction toward him. It’s hurting me, but maybe I should teach myself not to care, to love him anyway. Let him go, but love him anyway. Just like before.
We spend the night doing things we did as kids and talking about things that have been happening lately. I tell him about Lenny and Desperate Housewives, and he tells me about the Jasiper drama online, since I’ve been ignoring it. We watch Criminal Minds at midnight, making up for the many hours we’ve missed together.
THAT SATURDAY IS the day of the dance, and Allison and I get ready at my house. Usually we’d get ready at her house and she would drive us there, but since we all agreed to meet up at my house this year, we decided that hitching a ride with Jasper would be best.
Allison arrives at my house with her hair already curled and glitter swept across her eyelids. I’m standing in the bathroom with my dress half-zipped and only a quarter of my hair successfully straightened. After Allison slides into the yellow dress she bought, she takes over my hair straightening, because I can’t get the kinks out of the back.
My mother comes in sometime during all of this and begins snapping pictures—as if she won’t have enough by the time we leave for the dance—and then continues to get in the way by smoothing my hair down and zipping up the rest of my dress while I’m trying to slip my heels on.
“It sucks that we actually have to get dressed up,” I groan while my mother struggles to pull the zipper up. It keeps getting caught in the fabric.
My mom clicks her tongue and shakes her head. “You girls look so nice. I’m glad you’re wearing dresses instead of those god-awful fur coats.”
“Those are hilarious,” I insist. Both Allison’s and my mother’s faces pinch. Okay, so maybe it’s only Jasper, Lenny, and me that find our usual thrift store outfits funny during the dance. But they’ve never stopped us from having a good time, and the pictures are usually priceless.
This year it’s all about glitter and dresses and heels, and I’m not entirely happy with the change. Allison, on the other hand—she’s having a field day. And my mom . . . Well, you can’t stop that woman from cooing over pretty things.
In past years, it’s been Allison’s mom who’s interfered and preened her daughter for the dance. Now it’s my mom’s turn, and she attacks me like one of her holiday decorating projects. Eventually, I have to shut my mom out of my room while I make some last preparations with Allison.
While Allison stuffs a small handbag with lip gloss and sewing supplies, I trot over to my nightstand and pull the drawer open. She watches from the corner of her eye as I pull out the necklace Jasper gave me on New Year’s Eve and then snaps her clutch closed.
I hold the half heart to the place it would hang if I wore it, and turn to my vanity to see in the mirror.
Allison comes over and stands beside me in the mirror. “Not a good idea,” she says as though she can read my thoughts. I told her about the necklace, but that was a while ago and she’s never seen it. I’m surprised she remembered.
I let out a short breath from my nose. “I know,” I reply, and set the half heart down on the vanity top. “I just wanted to see it, I guess.”
She picks it up and turns it over in her hand a couple of times and then looks at me in the mirror. “Milo bug you lately?”
I shake my head. Milo has left me alone for the most part. When I do see him, he just gives me a smug smirk. He thinks I’m under him, that I’m missing out or some kind of sorry case who’s alone for the first time in forever. But I’m not alone. Lenny promised to save me a slow dance. I’ll twirl with Allison, and laugh at Jasper’s dance moves, and I won’t be lonely or upset. I don’t need a date for this dance—never have. I’m more than happy with my arrangement this year.
“Great.” She smiles and squeezes my shoulders. “Tonight is going to be fun.”
I laugh lightly and take one of her hands, pulling her out of the room after me.
Jasper and Lenny are stepping inside just as Allison and I are coming down the stairs. Lenny is accompanied by his parents, and a chorus of oohs and aahs suddenly fills the entryway when they get a look at mine and Allison’s dresses.
We meet them at the bottom of the staircase. Both boys are dressed in white collared shirts and black slacks. Lenny bounces the video camera between his hands and smiles at us.
“Miss the fur coats?” he asks, and I nod vigorously.
Allison laughs and lightly slaps my arm. “Let it go, June! We look good.”
I shrug and glance down at the midnight-blue dress I’m wearing. It’s pretty, sure, but it’s not the same.
My dad rounds the corner offering cookies and punch, and the Davises follow him with Lenny and Allison in tow.
Jasper stays behind and slowly slips off his shoes while waving his hands about, clenching and unclenching his fingers to thaw them.
I remember the many times he warmed my hands for me. So I step forward and hold out my hands. “Hey,” I say.
He looks down at my open hands and then back up at me. “Yes, Juniper?”
“Come on,” I say, and grab his hands. “You did it for me.”
“It’s kind of my thing,” he jokes.
I crack a smile. “I thought it was kind of our thing.”
A curious look crosses his face, but a playful grin rests on his lips when I rub his hands and bring them to my lips to warm them with my breath.
He wrinkles his nose at me. “Juniper May, sometimes I swear you’re in love with me.”
It’s a weird thing to say after all that has happened, but it reminds me of something he said to me when Kiss Cam started. I wink at him, mimicking the playfulness in his voice when I reply, “Truly, madly, deeply.”
Since our talk we’ve gone back to our playful banter, but I can’t quite tell if he’s being serious, and I hope he doesn’t truly think I’m flirting with him. It’s not like that. I don’t want to ruin things; I’m just being the kind of friends that we are.
The doorbell rings, and I drop his hands, pushing past him to open the door for Elaina, who wears a light-pink cocktail dress and a brilliant smile. She’s so pretty my smile falters, and I step out of the way for Jasper.
We meet the others in the living room. All our parents, except for Leeann and Elaina’s parents, are here and equipped with cameras and chatting with one another on the opposite side of the room from their children. Leeann, as always, is absent. She has only been able to attend one pre-dance gathering, and that was last year. Every other time she’s been working. If it bothers Jasper, he’s never told me.
Elaina takes a seat beside Jasper on the sofa. The space between the two on the couch is slim, but still more than there has been in a long time. Lenny sits beside Allison, eating the other half of the cookie she doesn’t want.
My dad puts a hand on my shoulder and calls the others over to line up for pictures. While they’re making their way over, he ducks his mouth down to my ear and murmurs, “Remind me why you don’t have a date? You look lovely.”
I roll my eyes but still reply, “Thanks, Dad.
”
“Jas doesn’t know what he’s missing,” he continues.
I shake my head and pull away to look at him. “No, I didn’t know what I was missing.”
His brows furrow and he shifts back a little, glancing over his shoulder at the lanky boy wrapping his arms around Elaina’s petite frame.
Since my dad got mixed up in the Kiss Cam drama that occurred over Christmas, I wasn’t sure whether I should update him on anything that happened on New Year’s Eve. I figured it was high school stuff he didn’t care to know about and was too busy to hear, so I decided not to tell him any further news. When I told my parents that Elaina would be coming here before the Winter Semiformal, my dad seemed a little surprised but didn’t say anything. Now I can see him trying to piece this information together, and I really wish I could talk to him about it.
Our discussion before helped me make a decision I regret now, but I don’t need advice this time. I just want to talk to someone who isn’t a teenager. But I can’t right now because of the dance. Maybe if things go badly at the dance I can leave early and see if he’s still home. If all my thoughts are out in the open, maybe I can think clearly. I don’t think I’ve made very good decisions up to this point, especially since I’ve been thinking of the half-heart necklace more and more.
“If you’re home tonight, maybe we can talk,” I say.
“Did you guys . . . ?” He stops and glances at Jasper again.
“Are you going to be home?” I ask.
He nods. “I’ve got the night off, June Bug. Besides”—he squeezes my shoulder—“I think you need to catch me up.”
“Yeah,” I mutter.
My mom calls me over and I stand in the middle of the group, Allison on my left, Elaina on my right, and place my hands on my hips while cameras flash. Despite the sinking feeling in my stomach, I stand with a smile and wait for the parents to finally realize that time is running short.
After that, we all pile into Jasper’s car. Elaina rides shotgun, Lenny sits between Allison and me, and we’re off. It’s tight in the back, and Lenny ends up elbowing me in the ribs the whole drive. Jasper and Elaina don’t hold hands over the armrest like I thought they would, which strikes me as odd, since they’ve done it all the other times that Elaina has driven with us (which really isn’t that many). I’m sure that if anyone glanced back they could see right up my or Allison’s dresses, because our knees are smashed against the seats in front of us. But Jasper’s radio is turned up high, and I lean close to the door and close my eyes, praying that I won’t regret coming tonight.
The gymnasium floor is flooded with kicked-off heels and white balloons. Under the scoreboard a DJ is set up behind a table with a black tablecloth over it. The lights are dimmed, with flashing lights sweeping over the filling dance floor. My senses are being struck left and right, starting with that latex smell balloons leave in the air, then a hundred different perfume and cologne scents. My ears throb to the beat of the bass over the speakers. I can’t recognize the song playing.
Jasper lifts the video camera he brought in with him and turns it on to scan the room.
“Welcome back to the Winter Semiformal, VlogIt,” he says cheerily, and turns the camera back to face him. “I’m gonna tell you right now. It smells like feet already.”
“C’mon, Jasper,” Elaina begs, and pulls him by his free hand. “It’s my favorite song.”
“We’re vlogging here,” he says quickly, and turns the camera back to film his way onto the dance floor.
“Well, c’mon, guys. It’s party time,” Lenny says, and motions us to follow him.
Surrounded by our peers, we sway back and forth to the music. Every once in a while Lenny grabs my hand and spins me in a circle. Allison and I dance together, and she buckles over laughing when I start to sing along to the music, purposely doing so off-key.
A few songs in, I feel my skin start to get sticky with sweat, and the air is thick now that the gym is nearly full and bodies are bouncing along everywhere. I decide to take a break and push out of the room to the bathroom down the hall. Just stepping out of the gymnasium provides a blast of cool air, and as I make my way down the hall, the music begins to fade.
The cool tiles on my bare feet feel nice compared to the slickness of the gym floor. When I pop open the bathroom door, the room is empty except for a single girl who is drying her hands and preparing to leave. I hold the door open for her and then move to the sinks. I wipe away smudged eyeliner and run my hands under the cold water so that I can wipe away the sweat building up on the back of my neck.
As I’m smoothing my hair back down, the door opens and another girl walks in. I don’t realize it’s Elaina until she’s standing beside me at the sinks, holding her short blond hair up off her neck and puffing out a large breath from her cheeks.
“Hi, June,” she says when she catches my eye in the mirror. It’s easy to feel strange and out of place at a dance when you’re standing next to a girl whose dress is much more glamorous than your own. Add the fact that she’s dating the boy you love, and the inadequacy makes you question why you even came.
“Hi,” I say back politely. I quickly pat my hair down and make to leave.
“Hey,” she says. I suppress a sigh and turn back to the mirror. “Can I ask you something?”
This is really awkward, so I’m going to say no. “Sure.”
“You and Jasper are really close, right?”
I feel a rush of adrenaline shoot into my system and dread fills every corner of my mind. It’s the talk. The talk Jasper’s girlfriends give me when they see Jasper and me hanging around too much. But this time it surprises me because I haven’t been sleeping over, and Jasper and I keep touching and interacting to a minimum.
“I mean, we’re best friends,” I say back. “And neighbors. It’s kind of hard to avoid each other, if that’s what you’re getting at.”
“No,” she says, eyes widening in the mirror. She puts a hand on my forearm with a short laugh. “No, I just mean . . . Were you guys ever anything more?”
I shake my head. “No. I know, with Kiss Cam and everything you must think . . . It was complicated, but I assure you, he does like you.”
She laughs again. “I know he likes me. But . . .” She shrugs. “I don’t know. I’d hate to be someone’s second choice.”
I frown. “What are you talking about?”
“Lately,” she begins, “maybe in the beginning even, he just tries too hard or looks at you like . . . I don’t know, I can’t explain it. And we got in a fight the other day about it. He’s trying to convince me that I’m the only one, but I don’t think so.” Her eyes have lowered over the course of her talking, but now she glances up at me. “There’s nothing more between you two?”
“Our relationship is complicated, you have to understand that,” I tell her, and her body shifts away from mine a little stiffly. “But like I said, we’ve never been together. He’d never cheat on you; he’d never cheat on anyone. He’s a good person, Elaina. You’re lucky to have him.”
She presses her lips together and grabs my forearm again. “Okay. You’re right. I’m just paranoid.” She smiles and then pats a section of my hair down for me. “You look nice, by the way.”
“You too,” I tell her with a tight smile. Then, with a certain kind of calculated eagerness, I leave the bathroom and make my way back to the dance, an unsettling feeling following me.
I make it back in time to keep my promise to Lenny about that slow dance. He’s shorter than Jasper, but only slightly. I weave his fingers with mine and sway back and forth to the slow love song. There is no room for Jesus between the other couples, whose bodies are pressed close together, heads on shoulders, lips to ears. It’s kind of awkward, so I let my eyes sweep over the couples who are close to us.
A few couples away, Jasper has his arms wrapped around Elaina’s waist, and her cheek is against his chest. His hands are clasped together in the back, camera dangling from his fingers. He has his chin on
top of her head, and his eyes are looking nowhere, face nearly blank.
I turn to Lenny and move our arms a bit. “Jasper look okay to you?”
He shrugs. “Looks tired. Must’ve worn himself out already.”
I hum a little and sway a bit to the music. “Glad he’s having fun.”
“You’re a little bitter,” he says with a laugh.
“Change is just hard.” I sigh.
Lenny nods and swings our arms. “Hasn’t gone unnoticed by VlogIt. They’ve been suggesting crazy stuff like Operation Save Jasiper.”
A smile spreads slowly across my face. “Oh, and what do they propose?”
“Same thing the Jenny fandom proposes. They want to lock you two in a room until you have no choice but to kiss and make up.” Lenny’s eyebrows wiggle playfully.
“Operation Save Jasiper, huh?” I shake my head and let go of Lenny’s hands as the song comes to an end. “They’ve got ideas for everything.”
The end of the dance approaches with only a few songs left to play. After being pulled into a manic, jumping crowd for a wild pumped-up song that really shouldn’t have been played for the occasion, I excuse myself from the group for some fresh air.
In the midst of the crowd, I spotted Milo, who was grinding on some girl with a revealing animal-print dress. He didn’t notice me, but it was a relief to see that I didn’t have to worry about him. Since I got here I’ve been a little on edge, worrying about whether he’d try anything. It looks like he occupied himself. So I leave the gymnasium with a satisfied smile.
When I step outside, people file out behind me to get to the restrooms or grab their coats to leave before the traffic rush. Leaning up against the wall near the gymnasium doors, I find someone familiar talking into a camera. His girlfriend is, surprisingly, nowhere near him. Slowly, I walk up to him and lean into the frame to wave.
“Oh,” he says, and flinches back, a bit startled. “Hello, Juniper. I haven’t seen you all night.”
