by R H Tucker
My smile fades while I keep my eyes on him. We haven’t spoken since his meltdown. And before that, I said what I did. I don’t know if I can deal with pleasantries. “What do you want?”
Looking back over the coastline, he nods in understanding. “To apologize.”
Not that it’s something Derrik wouldn’t do, but it surprises me. “Okay.”
Turning back to face me, he offers me a hurt smile. “I was a real asshole, Z. I’m sorry.” He takes a deep breath. “No matter what, I should’ve never put you in that position. I know you’re with Landon, and as much as I’ve felt for you … as much as I’ll always feel for you, it was a dick move to try and prove something. You deserve better than that.”
I glance back at the kitchen window, unsure why he thinks I’m with Landon still, but remember I haven’t spoken to him since Vancouver. Becca shakes her head at me. Before I can think to correct him or even respond, he starts again.
“During those tour stops, I had a plan. Looking back on it, it was stupid. You can plan all day, but if people aren’t on the same wavelength, then it’s really just a lame idea. I wanted to prove to you that you were wrong in the past. That I can live my life, you can live yours, and we could still make it work.” He stares down at the patio cement. “I do still believe that.”
“Derrik—”
“I know, I know. Your reasons are all logical. Landon will be around more, and that makes sense. You deserve someone who’s always there for you, whenever you want. I’m not saying I wouldn’t. I’d drop everything if you needed me.”
“That was never the problem,” I finally find my voice. “I know you would, Derrik. All the way back to that time you told me you’d give up the band.” I don’t know if he forgot he said that, or he thinks I would’ve forgotten those words, but he seems surprised. “But I don’t want you to. I want you to live this incredible life you have. This has been your dream.”
“What if I’ve always wanted you as part of that dream?”
I don’t know how to respond to that. I’d be lying if I said I’ve never thought about being a part of the life Derrik lives. But I also know I still want to go to college, and live my own life. Could it work? Maybe, but it’d be a lot of work. Even as my mind starts to process the minuscule probabilities of us actually being together, he breaks the thoughts up.
“Sorry.” He clears his throat. “This is totally not why I’m here. Like I said, I know you’re with Landon.”
“Landon. Right.”
“As long as you’re happy, Zoey, then I’m happy.” He laughs. “Even if I don’t sound like it, I really did come here to apologize. I should’ve never tried to put an ultimatum on you, and I definitely shouldn’t have yelled at you like I did. I’m sorry about that.” Taking a deep breath, he looks over the beach again. “Anyway, I should get out of here. We’ve got an interview in Long Beach with Entertainment Spotlight about tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow?”
He nods. “We rescheduled our King’s Court show for tomorrow night.”
“Oh, right.”
Turning to face me, he extends his arm to give me a handshake. I stare at it blankly, then start to giggle. “Come here,” I tell him, pushing his hand away and give him a hug.
After the embrace, my arms linger around his sides. He pulls back a little, lifting his hand to the side of my face. His cobalt eyes stay on mine, and I bite my lip, instantly feeling the fluttering inside that never seems to go away. Even after everything, just him keeping his gaze on me reverberates the air around me. It still makes me want to stay by him, feeling him close. And it reminds me that I tried to get over those feelings with Landon, and it never happened.
“I should go,” he whispers, pulling his hand away.
I stay where I am, watching him walk back toward the house. Reaching the doorway, he turns around and offers me one more smile. Waving, he heads inside, but I don’t wave back. Not that I don’t want to, but I’m trying to digest everything that was just said.
I don’t know that I genuinely believed his drunken rant at me weeks ago, but I think I wanted to. I wished he hated me and never wanted to see me again, let alone be with me. It made it easier to not think about my feelings for him. Knowing what I did to Landon, even if he didn’t yell at me, I took what Derrik did and imagined Landon feeling the same thing.
Turning around, I lean against the barrier and stare out over the ocean. I was enjoying this day, and now my emotions are a beehive of chaos that’s just been kicked.
“Did I make a mistake?” Becca asks, stepping next to me. I glance over at her, unsure what she means. “He called me yesterday. He wanted to apologize and asked where he could find you. I wasn’t going to tell him anything at first, but he sounded sincere. But … I wasn’t sure how you’d react.”
“I … I don’t know how to react.”
“What’d he say?”
“He apologized. He also said he’d drop everything if I ever need him, and he’s always wanted me to be part of his dream.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah … oh.” Letting out a long breath, I can’t help but feel lost.
It’s not that him saying those words doesn’t bring up all the feelings I’ve been trying to keep at bay. It’s that they make me feel more for him. More than just looking on from the outside when I was with him and his world. His busy, chaotic, frenzied life. But it never felt like he was so far away that I couldn’t reach him. If Danica hadn’t been there, we probably would’ve spent a lot more time together. All of this begins to raise questions through my mind. The same issues I’ve been struggling with for what seems like forever … How would this work? If I couldn’t even make it work with Landon, who’d only be going to a college a few hours away, how could it work with Derrik?
“Why are you so concerned about his schedule?” Becca asks.
I keep my eyes on the ocean horizon. “Because isn’t the point of being with someone to actually be with someone? It’s why it ended with Landon.”
She lets out a laugh, forcing me to look over. “Zoey, you can say that all you want, but that’s not why it ended. It ended because you still feel some kind of way for Derrik.”
“You know I do, that’s not a secret. I’ll always love him, but with him—”
“That. That right there. You were with Landon for two months, and I’m not saying you have to fall in love immediately, but I never got the feeling you were really invested in that relationship. With Derrik, before the trip with them, you two hadn’t been together for a year. And you still say you’ll always love him.” Reaching over, she takes my hand. “Sometimes, you just have to take a chance.”
She wraps her arms around me, laying her head on my shoulder. Staring out over the beach, the birds chirp, the waves crash, and my mind drifts like the waves, back and forth, uncertain of everything.
“Do you want to take a chance on him and yourself and being in love?” she whispers to me. “Or do you want to keep living in fear over the unknowable future?”
33
Derrik
“Are you still mad at me?” I ask Jade with a smirk.
We just finished mic check for the show tonight. Ever since my outburst in Vancouver, Jade has been the one that’s kept the most distance from me. She’ll say a word here or there, or if we have an interview like we did yesterday, she’ll be completely professional. But on a one-on-one basis, she’s kept her guard up.
She shakes her head, staring at the microphone in front of her. “I was never mad, Derrik. Just disappointed.”
“Ugh!” I over-act by making a stabbing motion to my heart as my knees weaken. “You gave me the mom line.”
“Shut up.” She pushes my shoulder but doesn’t smile. “I’m serious. I wasn’t angry at what you did. I just know you’re better than that.”
“I know.” I nod, growing serious. “I could say I was drunk or pissed off, and that would be true. But it doesn’t excuse anything I did.”
“Danica taking your calls yet?”
>
“One.” I let out a sad chuckle. “She asked me what I wanted. I said I wanted to apologize, and she said, ‘You just did. Don’t ever talk to me again.’”
Jade cringes. “Ouch. But I can’t say you don’t deserve it.”
I keep my head facedown. She’s right. There was a tiny sliver of hope that I might’ve made some kind of impression on Zoey yesterday. No, less than a sliver, because I know what I did. To both her and Danica. And no matter how embarrassed I feel about everything, I know it’s what I deserve.
My only solace is knowing that hopefully it’ll get better soon. I mean, I know it will. Things will move on, especially since we have the Rocket and Moon Music Fest coming up. Soon everything will return to normal for the band. All I can do is weather the storm that I’ve created and hopefully come out the other side a better person.
“Come here.” She grabs me around the neck, giving me a hug. “Maddox may be my actual brother, but you and EJ are family.” A small laugh floats out of her. Pulling back, I smile as she puts a finger in my face. “If you ever do anything that stupid again, though, I will not hesitate to give you the punch in the face that you deserved at the time.”
“Deal,” I respond, chuckling.
“Dude, that’s my sister!” Maddox calls out with a laugh, walking onto the stage with EJ in tow.
“Shut up,” Jade yells.
“We’re gonna go grab some burgers before the show starts,” EJ says. “You guys want to come?”
“Where?” I ask, knowing if we go anywhere close, we’re bound to get swamped with fans.
“We’re just gonna go through a drive-thru,” Maddox explains.
“Yeah, let’s do it.”
“You guys go,” Jade says, looking around. Pulling her phone out, she checks the time. “I wanted to talk to Peter about something.”
“Talk to Peter?” Maddox teases her, quirking an eyebrow. “Jade, if you get Peter to let Bret’s band open for us tonight, I swear—”
She pushes him, laughing. “It’s not Bret’s band. Get out of here, you numbskulls. Bring me back a double-double.”
“All right, cool.” I nod, and we make our way toward the back of the building, where our SUV with tinted windows is waiting for us.
Taking off down the street, there are a couple of local burger places to eat at, but our favorite is In-n-Out Burger. It’s a couple miles away, so we head down Highway 15 and pull into the parking lot of the restaurant. These places are almost always packed, and today’s no different. We get in line with the rest of the cars, waiting to order.
As we do, I’m up front with our driver, and Maddox and EJ sit in the back. I glance back as we finish ordering our food at the speaker and see Maddox wiggling his eyebrows at EJ, showing him his phone.
“I hate you,” EJ spits out. I know he’s joking, though he says it with such malice.
Maddox knows it, too, and laughs. “EJ, you just have to bust out of the shy-guy shell you’re in.”
“It’s not a shy-guy shell, loser.” EJ folds his arms across his chest. “This is just who I am. I don’t like to get all crazy and party.”
“You don’t have to,” I try to encourage from the front seat. “But you need to make an effort, EJ. You expect these girls to come to you just because you’re famous.”
“That’s not true!” he snaps. “I just don’t know what to say. Plus, it’s kind of hard when they’re always falling over themselves, undressing you or Maddox with their eyes. They look right through me.”
“Confidence, EJ!” Maddox yells, socking him in the shoulder.
“Ow!”
“All you have to do is roll up on a girl, give her the look, and say, ‘Let’s get out of here.’ It’s that simple.”
EJ erupts into laughter. “Let’s get out of here? What is this, an adult movie?”
“Did you really just say adult movie?” Maddox spits back.
“That’s what they’re called,” EJ argues. I’m already laughing because, yes, I know that’s what they are, but I know what Maddox is going to say.
“Porno, man! They’re called pornos. Are you really that shy that you can’t even say the word?”
“Shut up.” EJ lets out a huff, shaking his head.
“I got an idea,” Maddox starts as we pull up to the window. “Roll your window down and talk to the girl in there.”
“Are you serious?” EJ looks at him like he’s crazy. “I’m not gonna hit on some girl in the drive-thru.”
“EJ, you’re a King! Now grow a pair, roll your window down, and talk to her. You don’t have to hit on her, just talk, bro. Sam, pull forward a little,” Maddox tells our driver.
EJ starts to protest, but Sam does it, probably because he’s thinking the same thing I am. I want to see how this goes. The huge SUV pulls up to the window, and I watch as EJ shakes his head but rolls down the tinted window. The girl inside is in perfect eye line to see EJ. She’s just about to tell him the price when her eyes bulge open, and a huge smile unleashes across her face.
“Ohmygod!” she squeals, and I see a couple of her workmates behind her lean over to see what the commotion is.
“Hey,” EJ says, but it’s so low.
I love my brother, and I agree with him that he’s not shy. Reserved? Sure, but he’s not bashful that I’ve ever seen. He just has no idea how to give off the vibe of confidence around him. He’s like a turtle waiting to retreat back into his shell.
“Um, how ya doing?” EJ tries a little harder. It comes out better, but still soft.
“This is amazing!” the girl screams.
Through the corner of my eye, I see Maddox push EJ’s arm. EJ clears his throat. “How’s it going today?”
If said in the right tone, it’d be friendly. If he added a little umpf to it, it could almost be a bit flirty. But he does neither of those things. Instead, it’s so low that she doesn’t even hear it. Grabbing her phone from her pocket, she asks for a picture, and he nods that it’s okay, without saying a word. She leans forward, and that’s when I see her eyeing Maddox.
“Maddox, I love you!” she shouts.
“Love you, too, babe,” he calls back.
EJ leans back in his seat, resting his head against the headrest, staring at the roof of the car.
“Um, you guys?” Sam says, and I look ahead. The commotion our drive-thru server caused has instigated a scene. Now everyone is getting out of their cars from the drive-thru; customers are running out of the restaurant, bombarding our vehicle.
“Well, so much for keeping a low profile,” I say with a chuckle.
Sam has to carefully edge his car forward as fan after fan blitz our SUV. Our windows are down, and we’re trying to sign autographs and take pictures from the car, but we’re barely moving. Checking the time on the radio, I can see we’ve been stuck in the parking lot for thirty minutes. Now we’re running dangerously close to our set time.
Maddox’s phone rings. “Yep?” He starts laughing. “Calm down. We got stuck in the parking lot.” It must be Jade. “No, we’re trying to get out, but they just keep coming. We’re gonna get back as soon as possible. Maybe if EJ would’ve had some bass in his voice, this might’ve not happened.”
It’s a joke, and I laugh, but EJ finds no humor in it. “You’re an ass,” he spits out.
“Okay, okay!” Maddox yells back at his sister. “We’ll get there as soon as possible, why are you freaking out?” I peek back at him. “Who cares about our opening act? Peter vets all of them. We’re not gonna have someone our fans hate.”
EJ’s anger and embarrassment fades, looking over at me. I give him a confused face, then glance again at Maddox who rolls his eyes at his sister on the phone. “Fine, fine. We’ll get there as fast as we can.” Hanging up his phone, he slides it back in his pocket. “I don’t know why, but Jade is freaking out. Something about a riot King’s Court is going to have because of our opener. Who’s opening the show for us?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. Honestly, I didn’t
think anyone was. For a small show like this, I thought it was just going to be us.”
“Well, we better step on it.”
After another fifteen minutes, we’re finally able to break away from the fans, and get back on the highway. The parking lot was already full earlier, but now it’s packed beyond measure. With no spot left for our car, Sam drops us off at the backstage door and we hurry inside. I immediately hear a chorus of boos raining down from up front.
Hurrying over to the stage, I see Jade looking around nervously. When she spots me, she runs over, stopping me. “There you are.”
“What the hell is—”
My words cut short. Before I can finish my question, I hear a voice singing a cappella. It’s “Wannabe” by the Spice Girls.
“I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want—” The lyrics are overruled by another parade of boos.
“Get off the stage!”
“We want the Kings!”
“What is this? Shut up!”
My mouth drops open watching her. Zoey stands in front of the packed audience, looking like she’s holding on to the microphone for dear life. Her voice cracks in certain spots, but she powers through it, her dark hair swaying a bit as she shakes her head, seemingly fighting off the nerves.
“What is she doing?” I whisper over to Jade.
“Taking a chance,” Jade replies with a smile. “This is the third time she’s gone through the song.”
Coming to the last lyrics, she still grips the microphone. “Zigazig ah,” she says, letting out a deep breath.
Just before she’s about to start again, she looks around. Seeing me standing in the wings on the side of the stage, an embarrassed smile crosses over her face. Glancing back at the still annoyed crowd, she curtsies in her shirt and jeans.
“Thank you,” she tells them and walks over to me, keeping her head low. An eruption of cheers unleashes, no doubt from her finally ending the song.
Biting her lip, she keeps her eyes averted, staring at the floor. “Hey,” she whispers.
A flabbergasted chuckle escapes me. “What are you doing?”
