by Imogen Nolde
4 Redthorn
It’s happened. I know it has.
Call it a sixth sense. Call it intuition. The air inside this freezing, dark room just has a certain amount of density to it. I can see behind my eyelids to know. The cauldron has been fed.
It’s two o’clock in the morning. I am in my armchair. There’s a couple of computers on the desk nearby. Their screens have gone black. If I were to sit down at them again, I would find myself gazing at my assembled profile on James Lancaster. I have photos. I have video. I have cell numbers and addresses and license plates.
Any time. Any place.
I can wipe him off the face of the earth.
But she will call. She has to.
At exactly nine am tomorrow morning she will be sitting at her desk just as always, ready to take calls, instructions, orders, demands. Her work clothes are back at her apartment. Her bed, where she sleeps, is also there. If I click around my computer, I can find the cameras installed to watch over her. I would see that she hasn’t returned home. But indeed she must soon.
I stood from the chair. Walked to the window to greet it with my gaze.
I yearn for it. I breathe my hunger in.
To kill.
To take a life.
There is no truer experience.
The price to feel alive, must be a life itself.
In the meantime, simpler things will have to do.
The phone lights up behind me. Such a small light. Yet it fills the ceilings and walls.
I know it is her.
She owes it to me. She must grovel and make amends.
“Hello Vera,” I whispered, answering the call. “How may I be of assistance?”
Silence on the other end.
I glanced back at the computers, wondering if I should enter her world.
“I’m sorry about earlier,” she said, trying to keep her voice as still as possible.
“Of course you are.”
I heard her lips part.
There was moisture between them.
“You went on your date then?”
She hesitated. “Yes.”
“And did you have a nice time?”
Almost tearing up. “Yes.”
“I hope you don’t feel that you betrayed me.”
“Why … would I feel that?”
“Because you fucked him.”
Half a gasp.
I went to the computer and flicked the screen on.
She was sitting in the living room, her legs crossed. Shoes still on. Bag by her side.
There had been nothing else for her the moment she’d come in.
“How would you know that?” she asked. “Did you follow me?”
“I don’t need to, Vera. I can hear it in your voice. I can feel it in your breathing.”
“Well, you knew there was a chance, didn’t you –”
“It was always my wish that your needs would be taken care of.”
“Needs?”
“You’ve been repressing your wants and desires. Discipline, abstinence, are highly valued traits that keep you focused on your work, and improving the quality of your being. But you are also an animal. You are a beast filled with urges. Servicing those will relieve a lot of stress, I’m sure.”
Her body swayed forward.
“I think I’m going nuts talking to you like this,” she said.
“You’re wondering if it’s another act of self-harm?”
“Maybe. Perhaps.” A pause. “Yes.”
“James is very normal, isn’t he?”
“Yes.”
“So normal he wouldn’t understand why we must have this conversation now.”
“Yes.”
“And you like him.”
She shifted. Her head went back and she touched her hair. “It’s not that simple.”
“I see.” I went back to my armchair and sat down. “So you shall enlighten me.”
“About what?”
“You and James. James and you.”
“We are just friends. Even if –”
“How was the restaurant?”
“What do you mean?”
“Did it have a pleasant atmosphere?”
“I guess so.”
“Who got there first?”
“He did. He was at the table waiting for me.”
“Let me guess. He was all funny and polite initially, before gradually opening up to you a little bit at a time.”
“Yes.”
“He made playful jokes about how it wasn’t a date, and yet he’d keep on doing small things that suggested otherwise.”
“Like what?”
“Taking control of the ordering. Being in charge of the conversation. Making fun of you one minute, then paying you compliments the next. Accidently touching you. Keeping your exchanges focused on relationships and sex.”
“I don’t know. Some of that stuff, I suppose. What is it? The player’s manual or something?”
“Hardly. James’s not a player. He probably made a fool out of himself half the time.”
“Well. Not really. It’s – it’s not like he was a stranger. I’ve known him for years.”
“Did you get on well, then?”
“Sort of. He was entertaining.”
“Did my name come up at all?”
“What? No…”
“You sure?”
I looked up at the monitor. She was now standing.
“I may have mentioned you indirectly, but –”
“He told you he works for the police?”
“Uh… Yeah…”
“There’s always the chance he had some ulterior motive for contacting you. Not that you’d readily give up any information on me, I expect.”
“Are you guilty of something?”
“Most definitely. And you never know who they’re sending out.”
She didn’t reply.
“Look, don’t worry Vera. I’m sure he’s not coming at you because of me. I was just a little curious.”
“Right. Well, I should … I should go now. I have to be up early as you know. As you too I’m sure.”
“Vera.”
“Yes.”
“I’m finished with you yet.”
“Oh.”
“Why don’t you go into the bedroom? Take your shoes off. Lie down.”
“Alright. Just … give me a minute…”
I watched her stumble about the living room, kicking off the shoes, setting the phone on the counter. She poured herself a glass of water and drank some of it.
There she was.
My small and pure.
Fractured angel.
Somewhere out there tonight, she’d fed a man named James Lancaster. She’d fed him with her body, and her mind, and her lovely, lovely heart.
He was no doubt, fast asleep.
Dreaming about her.
But there was nothing in his experience of Vera…
That could compare to mine.
5 Vera
Everywhere I go, everything I do, Mr. Redthorn is watching me. I remember our first camera. He had me set it up on my computer at work. I thought he wanted to skype call or something, and I would finally see what he looked like, but he just wanted it there so he could watch me. After a while though, it became difficult for him to have an exact knowledge of what I was talking about. It was important that he be able to see what was on my computer screen.
That’s how the necklace came about. I found it waiting for me one morning on the desk in a small velvet box. Putting it on, I felt special. Zoe didn’t get a necklace. Mr. Redthorn wasn’t watching anyone else in the office.
But he was watching me.
Since I liked how the necklace looked on me, I started wearing it when I wasn’t at work. I would usually remember to switch the camera off in the centre jewel. But sometimes I didn’t. I liked the idea of him seeing what I saw, even if I thought he probably wasn’t interested.
But Mr. Redthorn was interested.
&nbs
p; He had to see everything.
“Get those bags off the bed, Vera. You don’t need them.”
I gathered up the bags and lifted them from the bed. I put them on the ground in the corner and reached across to the nightlamp.
I turned it up.
And switched off the lights.
“You may lie down now.”
He’s in both my ears.
Handsfree.
Stereo.
I climbed onto the bed’s surface, and leaned back against the pillow.
My eyes faced forward.
Straight at the ceiling.
“Take me there with you,” he instructed. “I want to see it in my mind. I want to be there with you.”
I didn’t know what he meant.
I exhaled, waiting for further instruction.
“It’s just you and James at the table together. Facing opposite one another. Tell me the first thing that comes to mind.”
“I don’t know,” I mumbled.
“The first thing,” Mr. Redthorn repeated.
“The table cloth is white,” I said.
“Good. And the next?”
“The walls are all golden.”
“Good.”
“The carpet is patterned. Red and brown.”
“Excellent. Keep going.”
“We’re both drinking wine. And I’m looking at his face. I’m not sure if he’s speaking or not. Just … his face is different to me. In my head he’s so much younger. He’s still a twenty-year old. And then I look this new face and … there’s so many years and days I can’t account for. It’s like … it’s not the same person.”
“What were his intentions?”
“What do you mean?”
“Before you came there.”
“To see me.”
“Why?”
“Because we’re friends.”
“No Vera,” Mr. Redthorn said. “Look beyond what he reveals. What are his true intentions?”
My eyes fluttered. I caught brief flashes of him.
“I can’t –”
“You can. You can see what he is.”
Then it clicked.
“He knew all along we were going to sleep together.”
“How did he know that?” Mr. Redthorn persisted.
“Because I agreed … I agreed to see him…”
“He’s above you now, isn’t he? He has an important role in society. A powerful, respecting role.”
“He’s not that powerful.”
“But compared to the man you used to know, when you were younger. He’s learnt a lot since you last saw him. He wants to show off.”
“I think you’re right.”
“Go into your heart now,” Mr. Redthorn said. “Why did you want to see him?”
“I don’t know.”
“You knew it from the start. You knew it days ahead. It’s everything you’re trying to accomplish.”
“I’m – I’m lonely and –”
“Wrong.”
Wrong? How could I be wrong?
This is my experience, isn’t it?
“What do you want me to say, Mr. Redthorn? That I was excited to see him just as a friend? That I miss the past and the people back there?”
“We’re not in the past, Vera. At least … not the distant past. Come on. You only had one goal tonight.”
“To hurt you?”
“Wrong.”
“To hurt…” I choked on the words. “… Myself?”
“Did he hurt you then?”
I sat up a little. “No.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t … I’m not –”
“What happened after dinner? After you’d eaten?”
“We went back to his place.”
“Tell me about that.”
“I had to follow him. I had my car there.”
“Did he try to make an excuse for going back to his? Or was he disrespectful enough to make such a pervasive suggestion undisguised?”
“He said we should go back to his for drinks. That he had some old class photos for me to look at.”
“And you knew what he really wanted?”
“Yes.”
“Was it what you wanted?”
“Not exactly.”
“How not?”
“I wondered what would happen. If he could break your hold over me…”
“But he couldn’t, could he?”
“No.”
I rolled over.
Buried my face into the pillows.
“Where does he live? A house?”
“Yes.”
“Tell me about it.”
“It’s two stories. He was supposed to raise a family there.”
“Does he still keep photos in the house of his wife?”
“Yes.”
“And how does she look?”
“Beautiful.”
“Do you know why they’re not together?”
“I didn’t ask him about that.”
“Okay. Now Vera. Are you listening?”
“You know I’m listening.”
“I want you to get underneath the covers. If you’re wearing anything, you can take it off.”
I forced myself up and off the bed.
Pulled back the covers.
Got undressed.
Got into the bed.
Laid down as though I was about to sleep.
“How long were you in the house before he made a move on you?”
“Twenty minutes or so.”
“Did you have a drink?”
“More wine. He put on some music too. He also had one of those balls that makes different colors spin around the room.”
“Sets the mood does it?”
I chuckled. “For him maybe.”
“I heard you laugh. Why?”
“It’s nothing, don’t worry.”
“Tell me. What’s funny about the mood?”
“I see through it, is all. The illusion breaks down.”
“Good. That pleases me.”
“Does it?”
“Yes.”
I felt more comfortable now.
More assured of my rapport with Mr. Redthorn. I don’t know why I’d been so worried.
All roads led here.
“And how was he? Before he made his move? Nervous? Over-excited? Or was he kind of bored with you? Did you play into his hand too easily?”
“He was all fake,” I said. “Trying to make out we were having an intimate moment. I just went along with it.”
“How did you know he wasn’t being real?”
“I could just tell.”
“Would you have respected him more if he’d being honest with you?”
“Probably.”
“Talk me through it then.”
“You want to hear about…”
“You know I do, Vera.”
I swallowed. “Very well.”
“So you were sitting down then?”
“We were in his ‘man-cave’ downstairs. On a light blue plastic sofa. He put his arm around me. Started rubbing my shoulder.”
“Did you like that?”
“Not at first.”
“Why not?”
“I was feeling bad about our argument.”
“Did you mention that to James?”
“What? No way. You know we didn’t talk about you.”
“So what happened next?”
“He put his fingers to my chin. Sort of brought my face forward.”
“So he could kiss you?”
“Yes.”
“And how was that?”
“Confusing.”
“In what way?”
“I lost him as a friend when he did that.”
“You mean as a plutonic friend?”
“I mean … There was nothing sexual going on between us before. It wasn’t even considered.”
“Weren’t you attracted to him back then?”
“No.”
“So you thou
ght he was ugly?”
“I didn’t say that, did I? Shit. He was in the friend-zone. Off limits you know. You don’t think about it.”
“I wonder if he thought about it.”
“Yeah… There’s nothing left wonder now though.”
“Okay, let’s get back on topic,” Mr. Redthorn eased me. “You’ve been a little bit coy about your feelings for James. Surely, you did have some?”
“Well, he’s amazing now, isn’t he?”
“Are you being sarcastic?”
“No. Yes. I don’t know.”
“How was he kissing you?”
“With his mouth, dummy.”
“Where?”
“On my mouth.”
“Where else?”
“All over my face.”
“Was he tonguing you then?”
“A little.”
“Was he feeling you up?”
“Oh … maybe. Maybe not.”
“Let’s not be vague, Vera. Every detail is important.”
“Well. I don’t think he was then. Not right away.”
“So what happened next? Did you suck his dick?”
“No.”
“What? Why not?”
“It didn’t come up.”
“How could it not? Did he go down on you?”
“Briefly.”
“Was that on the plastic sofa?”
“No, we went upstairs. We did it on his bed.”
“And at no point during this lovely journey, did he put his dick in your face?”
“I guess not.”
“Hmm. You still could have sucked it though.”
“I’ll remember that for next time.”
“Do you have some aversion to sucking dick?”
“Aversion? Are you playing word games with me Mr. Redthorn?”
“Surely that’s a word you understand.”
“I didn’t suck his dick. What do you want from me? Do you want the other details? I assume you’re masturbating or something.”
“Oh really. Is that what you assume?”
“Why else would you want to hear it?”
“I hate to disappoint you, Vera. But no, I shall not be masturbating during this call.”
“I’ll take your word for it.”
“You may though.”
“I may what?”
“Masturbate.”
“Excuse me?”
“Don’t be shy. You’re all naked there, aren’t you?”
“So?”
“So I’m giving you permission. Touch yourself.”
“I don’t need your permission.”
“Oh yes, you do.”
My breathing slowed down. No way was I touching myself.
