“In fact, she doesn’t want me, period. We broke up.”
Argamon. “When?”
“Last week. Happy?”
“No!” When she’d found out they were dating, Mo wasn’t crazy about the idea, but she’d grown used to it. “What happened? You seemed okay together.”
He dropped his spoon into the bowl. “I’m a horrible boyfriend for wanting to be with her.”
“What? I don’t get it.”
“Neither do I. I see her for a few days every flaming three weeks, but apparently I’m smothering her because I’d like to see her more often.”
Mortified, Mo watched him blink back tears. Flaming Ann! Her initial suspicion that Ann would intentionally hurt him had fallen to the wayside; over time, she’d come to believe that Ann cared for him. If that wasn’t true, the breakup wouldn’t still be affecting her a week later. She’d be her usual annoying self, not the snappy, distracted pilot who’d flown sims with Mo. Why would she dump him for wanting more time with her?
“I’m going for a walk.” Andrew mumbled. He stalked from the kitchen.
Had he nagged Ann about visiting 72? Why hadn’t she ever agreed to it? Mo would have thought she’d welcome him to the space station. Ann spent most of her downtime with Andrew and always looked forward to seeing him—it wasn’t unusual for Mo to bump into her in this very kitchen. It couldn’t be that she didn’t want him to see her quarters. Mo had played cards there with other pilots; Ann didn’t have anything to hide. Something didn’t make sense.
Papa would eventually drag Andrew to the workshop, but that wouldn’t stop him from pining for Ann. His tears had driven home how much he cared about her. Mo sipped her water. Should she talk to Ann? They’d broken up, so doing so couldn’t make anything worse. When they’d started dating several months ago, Mo had given them two weeks. She’d never imagined that she’d try to patch things up between them, and maybe she shouldn’t. What if Ann dumped him again?
Well, trying to find out why she’d broken up with him wouldn’t hurt; Mo was dying of curiosity to know. Okay, she’d try to get it out of Ann, though if Jayne was with her next time she went to 72, she’d have other priorities.
*****
Jayne unrolled the blueprint of the upper floor of the house across the table in the study. Lesley and Mo, seated across from her, each held one end and examined the floor plan. “I pencilled in the rooms I thought would make sense for us.” Jayne tapped one with her pencil, then the other, and held her breath. This was her way of telling them of her preference for putting them into one room and her into another. “I figured you two would want to share a room,” she said when neither of them spoke. “Based on, uh, the arrangements for the Festival of the Way,” she felt compelled to add when another long silence followed. They remained focused on the blueprint. What was running through their minds?
Lesley finally looked up. “What made sense for the Festival of the Way might not make sense in the future.”
No matter what happened, it would make sense for her.
Mo looked at Lesley. “I always assumed we’d share a room.”
“So did I, but...”
Jayne silently voiced the question she suspected was on their minds: what would they do with her? “You two sharing a room and me in another room feels the most natural to me. It jibes with the way I see things.” She briefly met Lesley’s eyes, hoping Lesley would recall the conversation they’d had on their bike ride. Whether they’d admit it or not, Jayne was sure it would feel the most natural to them, too. When the three of them were together, her Chosens always gravitated toward each other. Since only the triad had been at the dining room table for lunch, Lesley and Mo had sat across from her. When they’d entered the study, they’d immediately sat next to each other.
She didn’t mind; she wasn’t lying, to them or herself, when she said that she viewed them as the primary couple and their relationship as the foundation of the triad. She never felt left out, because they didn’t shut her out. At the same time, they were a long-standing couple and behaved like one. She’d never expect or demand that they act as if all their years together had never existed. They’d come to her together, they were together, and she couldn’t imagine them anything but together. “I’m being honest. I’m not telling you what I think you want to hear.”
Lesley and Mo glanced at each other, then Lesley leaned forward and pointed at the wall that separated the two rooms Jayne had tapped. “Let’s put a door here.”
Mo snickered.
Lesley turned to her. “On a symbolic level, it connects the rooms together. On a practical level, I’m thinking about when those other bedrooms are occupied. They’ll eventually ask why we’re in one room and Jayne’s in another. We’ll be able to say the rooms are connected.”
“I know, I’m just being immature.” Mo’s contrite expression didn’t look genuine.
“It’ll also give us privacy. They don’t need to know when...anyone’s not in her usual room.”
Mo nodded. “It’s a good idea.”
Jayne agreed, but she didn’t look forward to explaining it to William. To her relief, Lesley said, “I’ll send William a dispatch and tell him what we want.”
“You’re okay with this being your room and this being mine?” Jayne asked.
They both nodded. “Is there anything else we need to talk about related to the house?” Lesley asked.
“Now that this is settled, I’ll work with Catherine on the bedrooms. Before we go ahead and order anything, I’d like us to get together with her, so we can show you what we’ve selected. Is that okay?”
“Yeah, sure,” Mo said as Lesley nodded.
“If you don’t like any of my choices, we can change them. Furniture, ornaments, colours—”
“Yeah, if we don’t like something, no big deal,” Mo said. “We’ll just choose something else.”
“Right.” Jayne knew it wasn’t a test, but it would feel like one. They’d trusted her with the interior design; she’d hate to disappoint them. But enough fretting for today. Now that the conversation she’d dreaded was out of the way, she could relax and enjoy the rest of the afternoon. She rolled up the blueprint, looked up, and...why were they both staring at her?
Mo straightened and clenched her hands on top of the table. “Okay, well, now that we’ve talked about the house, I guess it would be a good time to talk about, uh, something else.”
Lesley leaned back in her chair and folded her arms. Jayne slipped an elastic band around the blueprint. She held it on her lap, trying not to crush it.
“I’m going to 72 next week, and I want to know if you’d like to come with me,” Mo said.
“I wanted to be part of this conversation, so you’ll know that Mo’s spoken to me about it and I’m okay with you going—and everything it might involve,” Lesley added.
Jayne wanted to openly study her, to determine if that was true. Then she wanted to smack herself. How could it be true? Okay with it? Lesley meant that she’d work very hard to not hold it against them. How many tears and sleepless nights would it take? How much would she torture herself? What imaginary scenarios would taunt her? When they were on 72, how many times would Lesley ask herself whether it had happened yet? Would she want to look at them when they returned?
“You—we—can’t avoid it,” Lesley said quietly.
Yes, they could. Maybe it was because they’d just discussed the sleeping arrangements for the house and Jayne had thought about what would work best for her, but she knew, without a doubt, what she wanted in this matter. Whether they’d agree to it was a different story.
Mo unclenched her hands and slipped one under the table. “I don’t want you to think I’m being selfish and not thinking about Les. We’ve talked about it.”
“We’ve all known that you and Mo will get physical,” Lesley said, her arms still tightly folded. “I won’t lie and say it won’t hurt. But holding you back would be the wrong thing to do. I don’t want to do that, and I don�
��t want you two to do it, either. I know Mo loves me. And I trust that you’re...” She paused. “I know you’re not cavalier about my feelings. I know you’ve been restraining yourselves out of consideration for me. You can’t do that forever.”
“It’ll be a difficult step for all of us.” Mo sighed. “Argamon, I know I’ll feel guilty about it. At the same time, we can’t—will you go to 72 with me?”
Jayne transferred the rolled-up blueprint to the table and took a deep breath. “No.”
“No?” Mo squeaked.
Lesley unfolded her arms and pointed to herself. “If you’re refusing because of me...”
“I am, but not for the reason you think.” Argamon. The conversation about the bedrooms paled in comparison to this. Jayne looked at Lesley. “I’ll go to 72 when you go to 72.”
Lesley frowned. “I won’t be able to go to 72 for a while. Even if that wasn’t true, it wouldn’t be a good idea. I don’t think you’d want me there.”
“No, I would want you there. Not necessarily on 72. Wherever it happens.”
Mo shifted in her chair. “Okay, wait a minute. What are we talking about? What exactly would you want her there for?”
Everything. Jayne sat on her hands. Her face already felt hot and she hadn’t started talking yet. This wasn’t going to be easy, but she had to be honest and clearly state what she wanted. It was too important to hide behind euphemisms. “I met you together.” I fell for both of you together. “I know I can’t tell you both everything at the same time. And I know I’ll share my first kiss with one of you. But when it comes to my first sexual experience, I want that with both of you.” She could barely hear herself over her pounding heart, but saying it out loud strengthened her resolve that it wouldn’t only be the best way for her, but for all of them. One of her Chosens wouldn’t hold that first experience over the other for the rest of their lives. Lesley and Mo weren’t in competition, but to Jayne, it would create an imbalance between them that could never be remedied. She also believed that it would be easier on them if they shared their first experience with her, rather than having one left out.
She focused on Mo. “If you and I were to go to 72 and end up in bed together, can you honestly say that Lesley wouldn’t be there, too? Not physically, but on your mind. I can’t. I’d rather she actually be there.”
Mo lifted her hand to her mouth, then dropped it. “Of course I’ll think of her. I know I’ll have mixed feelings about it. Like I said, I’ll feel guilty. It’s a no-win situation. No matter what we do, we’ll suffer in some way.”
“Sharing it with both of you would make a huge difference to me,” Jayne said. “I wouldn’t feel guilty. If it was something we all wanted and we did it together, would you still feel guilty?” She quickly focused on Lesley. “Hypothetically speaking. I know that’s not the situation now.”
Lesley drew breath, but Mo spoke first. “I probably wouldn’t feel guilty under those circumstances. But I haven’t thought about this—about all three of us—before. I need to think about it. I mean, it’s an interesting idea, but I—” She blew out a sigh. “I need to think about it.”
“If we decide that’s the way it’s going to happen, I’ll still be holding you back, but in a different way,” Lesley said.
Jayne shook her head. “I’d see it more as waiting for you. To me, holding us back means not letting us do something that’s possible for us to do now. If we decide it will be the three of us, then that’s not possible yet.” She gazed at Lesley, but couldn’t read her. “Maybe what I want sounds insane and the last thing you and Mo will want, but I honestly believe that sharing the experience with both of you would be the best way for all of us.” Her fingers were digging into the undersides of her legs. She pulled her hands onto her lap and clenched them.
Lesley and Mo turned to each other. “We’ll have to talk about it,” Lesley said, her eyes on Mo’s face. “It’s an intriguing idea.”
Mo snorted. “Intriguing? That’s one way to put it. But yeah, we’ll talk about it.”
Jayne hoped they’d agree to it. Otherwise she’d have to consider Mo’s invitation to 72, they’d probably give in to their desires, and the experience would be marred by guilt, for both of them. Lesley would be a palpable presence in that bedroom, whether she was there or not, and sharing such an important step in her life with only one of them wouldn’t feel right. But would her Chosens see things the same way?
*****
After punching in the coordinates for the Thompson estate, Lesley leaned back in the pilot’s seat and gave Mo a sidelong glance. Since their illuminating conversation with Jayne, Mo hadn’t been able to sit still. Was there any nail remaining unchewed on her left thumb?
Now that they’d dropped Jayne off, Lesley could raise the subject that was on both their minds, but she’d have to be careful. Jayne’s thoughts about what would work best for her and the triad weren’t the only things Lesley had learned from their discussion. When she’d understood what Jayne was suggesting, she hadn’t instantly recoiled. The more she’d listened and thought about it, the more it made sense. More importantly, the notion of sleeping with Jayne hadn’t repelled her. The feelings that had stirred in Jayne’s apartment weren’t innocent. “Do you want to talk about it now, or wait until we’re home?” she asked Mo.
“Do you know what surprised me?” Mo snorted. “In addition to what she said, I mean.”
“What?”
“She was so forward about it.”
Lesley chuckled. “When something’s important to her, or she thinks it’s important for all of us, she forces herself to say it and be straightforward about it. She makes sure we understand exactly what she means.” A trait Lesley admired.
“What do you think?” Mo examined her left thumbnail, then lifted her right thumb to her mouth.
“Well, given how she sees the triad...in fact, given how we see it, it makes sense.”
Mo gaped. “Really? I thought you’d be dead set against it.”
“I’m not saying I’d want to do it right now.”
“Yeah, the conversation was a little premature for you, I guess.”
Not as premature as Mo thought, but now wouldn’t be a good time to tell her that the Chosen Council had indeed matched three Chosens together. One thing at a time.
“If I say I hate the idea, you’ll think I just don’t want to wait,” Mo said.
“Mo—”
“You can honestly see the three of us in bed together?”
“To be honest, it wouldn’t have occurred to me.” Not yet, anyway. It probably would have crossed her mind when they were all living together with only a connecting door separating them. “But when she said it, it made sense. It would do away with the guilt. I don’t want to hold you back, but I heard you both say that if you sleep together on 72, you’ll feel guilty. Is that what you want for your first experience together? Is it what you want for her? It’ll be her very first experience.”
“Maybe if we wait until you have feelings for her, we won’t feel as guilty.”
“Do you really believe that? Hypothetically speaking, I’d feel guilty, because I’d know it would hurt you. It wouldn’t matter that you...love her. It would still hurt you. You’d torture yourself about it, just as I will. You’d wonder when we were doing it, how it went, if I’d still feel the same way about you afterward.” She looked at Mo, to reassure herself that Mo wasn’t chewing her thumb off. “And I’ll wonder if you’ll still feel the same way about me.”
Mo dropped her hand to her lap. “It won’t change the way I feel about you. But I’ll feel horribly guilty because I know it’ll hurt you. And yeah, when it happens for you, it’ll hurt me. Really hurt.”
“But you don’t like Jayne’s suggestion.”
“I wasn’t expecting it, I guess.” Mo was silent for a moment. “It sounds like you think it would be easier for you.” She sighed. “And I can see how it would make things easier for me. If it’s both of us, if we share the experience... I
mean, she is our Chosen, right?”
Lesley nodded. “I’m not saying it won’t feel weird, or maybe awkward would be a better word. But I’d prefer awkward over guilty, especially if it means you won’t be hurt. Plus, the guilt will probably be permanent. The awkwardness will be temporary.”
Mo barked a laugh. “Once we get going, we’ll get over it and enjoy ourselves? Argamon, I never thought I’d have a conversation like this.”
Lesley smiled. “Me, either. But when she suggested it, it really did make sense.”
“We all have to be ready,” Mo pointed out. “Otherwise it’ll hurt someone.”
“True.”
“So I guess it’ll be a while, and that’s okay. If it means less guilt and hurt, it’s worth waiting for.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I’m sure. I wouldn’t have thought of it, and when she first said it, I was shocked. But the more I think about it—yeah, when you eventually get to that point...” Mo’s hand went to her mouth again, “I would rather be there than imagine it, and if it’s all of us...yeah. It’ll make a difference.”
“And it’s what Jayne wants.” Lesley held up her hand when Mo drew breath. “I’m not saying we should always do what Jayne wants. But since we’re open to the idea, why would we refuse to go along with her suggestion, especially regarding this?”
Mo nodded, then jumped and stared at her thumb. “I just flaming hurt myself!”
“Why don’t you do what Jayne does and sit on your hands?”
Mo glared at her. “I guess she won’t be going to 72 with me.”
“You can still ask her to go.”
“You wouldn’t mind?”
The conversation with Jayne had made Lesley more comfortable with the idea of Mo and Jayne on 72, not less. Jayne would never do anything to upset the triad’s harmony. She’d bravely and clearly stated what she wanted and why she believed it would be best not only for her, but for all of them. Once she knew that her Chosens were willing to give her idea a try, she’d wait. Turning around and sleeping with Mo anyway would shatter the trust they were nurturing and hurt everyone. Jayne would never do that. Lesley trusted Mo too, but Jayne had the edge in this case. “I trust you and Jayne. If we’ve decided we’re going to wait until we’re all comfortable taking that step together, then I know you two will stick to that.”
The Triad Page 21
