“Relieved?” Jessica stared at him, much the way he’d stared at her when she’d first come to the cabin.
“Yeah. I know it was selfish on my part.” Joe looked away from her unwavering, disbelieving gaze. “I get uncomfortable around a lot of crying, and I was having a hard time with my own emotions. But this…” He waved his hand helplessly. “This hopelessness is so different. I don’t know what to do.”
Jessica pressed her lips together and nodded. “Hmm.” That small sound was ripe with meaning, leaving Joe to wonder what she was thinking.
He almost asked her, but they reached the Skygazer Café, and Jessica hurried inside and up to the counter while Joe was caught holding the door for several smiling and laughing passengers.
Jessica ordered two cups of Earl Grey tea and a bowl of potato soup to go. Joe made it to the counter just as she was fishing in her purse. He quickly pulled out his wallet and handed the waiter the special credit card the ship gave each passenger when they boarded. Call him old-fashioned, but he couldn’t let Jessica pay for his tea and Lisa’s soup with her ship’s credit card. It just didn’t feel right.
He carried the tray to a nearby table while Jessica grabbed napkins, some blue packets of sweetener, and stir-sticks.
“Lisa didn’t tell me you were so handsome.”
A twinge of regret brushed Joe’s heart. Did Lisa still even think of him that way? After all he’d put her through? Not that he’d expect her to say so to a total stranger.
“She tells me you don’t really want her here.”
Oh, great. She apparently knew so much about him and Lisa; it probably wouldn’t have mattered if she’d seen the bunk beds.
“What else did she say?”
“Not much else.”
“Good,” he said wryly.
Jessica looked at him with one eyebrow raised above her glasses. “I don’t know whether to be hurt or offended.”
“Neither. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be so rude.”
“I understand.” She smiled at him, and Joe relaxed just a bit. “We did find out that not only are we neighbors on the Denali Deck, but that we have little Brandon in common,”
Joe nodded. “I’m glad she met both of you.” He wasn’t sure what else to say so he sipped his tea.
Jessica followed suit, then leaned forward with her elbows on the table. “She did tell me about your little boy.” She reached out and squeezed his hand.
Pulling his hand from hers, he turned away so she wouldn’t see the moisture gathering in his eyes. Only after he felt like he was finally composed, did he turn back to Jessica.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“No. I’m the one who’s sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.” She pressed her lips together and glanced down at her lap as if embarrassed.
“It’s all right, Jessica. Really. That’s actually why I’m here.”
“Because you lost your little guy?”
“Because my work is suffering, and my boss forced me to take time off or be fired.” Never really one to open up to people, Joe marveled that he felt comfortable enough with Jessica to confide in her when he never confided in anyone else.
“What made you decide on the cruise as a way to spend your time off?”
He shrugged. He might as well tell her. “Because Lisa called and left a message on my voice mail, every single day, telling me I need to deal with my feelings and that I should take the cruise. I guess she thought it would help.”
“So why do you think she’s given up now instead of then?”
“I honestly don’t know.”
“You know she blames herself for the accident, don’t you?”
“She told you that?” Why would Lisa blame herself? Perhaps for the same reason you blame yourself. The small thought whispered through his mind, and he quickly shoved it away.
“Don’t worry,” Jessica assured him. “She didn’t say that to me. But it’s a natural thing for a mother to blame herself. And it’s apparent that she’s not the only one feeling the same blame.”
Joe didn’t respond. Why on earth did Lisa blame herself? He was the one at fault.
“Did you ever stop to think Lisa’s doing the very thing she’s accused you of? Not dealing with her feelings? Lisa probably called you every day because it gave her something to focus on besides herself.”
“You mean worrying about me instead of dealing with Cody?”
Jessica nodded. “I doubt she’s dealt with her grief, except marginally. She probably compartmentalized it in such a way that she convinced herself she’d deal with it once you were better. You said she always seemed so strong. Maybe she thought she had to be strong for you and decided she’d deal with her feelings later. Then when she missed seeing the whales, everything just overwhelmed her. All those repressed feelings came rushing to the surface.”
Who is this woman? Joe shot Jessica a pointed look. But she kept talking as if the look he gave her was perfectly ordinary.
“Something about missing those whales was like a sign to her that not only is Cody really gone, but so are you. You’re completely right when you say she’s given up.”
“What are you, Jessica? A psychologist?”
Jessica flashed him an endearing smile.
“I’m just someone who cares, Joe.”
Why? Why did she care?
Furthermore, why was he even listening to her? He’d dismissed everything anyone had ever tried to tell him about grieving and finding closure, about Lisa. So why, when he wouldn’t listen to those closest to him, was he listening to a stranger? She was a kind and caring stranger with a sympathetic ear and a smile that warmed his heart.
That really wasn’t the point. He was at a loss, but one thing he did know.
“You, Jessica, are the answer to a prayer.”
“Yours or Lisa’s?”
Good question. At this point, he wasn’t sure. “Maybe both.”
“Maybe,” she agreed. “But if you really want to help Lisa, you need to put your heart aside and do something to help pull her out of her slump. I think it might be the only way she’ll survive this.”
Joe took a big gulp of tea and shut his eyes as he swallowed. He could tell by the glint in Jessica’s eyes, this conversation was about to get way too intense.
10
Lisa was disappointed to find the room still empty. She had hoped they could spend some more time talking. She feared if they didn’t, this fragile opening they’d found would disappear. Maybe it already had. Could be their talk have scared him off. He’d probably sought out the captain again, hoping an empty cabin might have miraculously appeared.
Heavyhearted, Lisa tiptoed up the ladder to her bed. Cody’s sweatshirt was spread out on her pillow. Joe. A catch tugged at her heart. He really did care. Much as he concealed it, he did.
She smiled to herself and pulled the shirt close as she climbed under the covers, once again inhaling the little-boy scent that clung to the clothing. Had Joe noticed the scent when he held the shirt? Lisa’s throat tightened to an overwhelming ache and the sting of tears burned the backs of her eyes as she remembered the pain etched on Joe’s face while he held Cody’s shirt and told her how he could actually picture their son—something he hadn’t been able to do since Cody died.
“Oh, Joe,” she whispered. “Does this mean you’re finally able to deal with our loss?”
God really was working in Joe’s heart. If she wasn’t sure before, she was sure now. She brushed at her tears then began to pray. “You really are here with Joe, Lord. Thank You so much for hearing my prayer. I know You’ll help him find a way to deal with his feelings. I pray he’ll be open to You and recognize You’re always with him. And Lord, thank You that he opened up to me, even if it was just the tiniest bit. I pray he’ll talk to me about it some more. Please don’t let him shut back down. Wherever he is right now, Lord, please let him come back to me.”
After wiping away more tears, Lisa fluffed her pillow and turned to face the do
or. Why, after all of these months, were the tears she’d struggled so hard to contain suddenly falling so freely? The emotion of the day left her exhausted and struggling to keep her eyes open as she waited for Joe to return.
****
Almost an hour after Joe headed toward the café with Jessica, he’d learned all about her tulip farm in Skagit Valley. He felt envious of the simple, but hard-working life she’d shared with her husband. He walked Jessica to her cabin before heading back to his own with a container of potato soup for Lisa and a head full of advice.
He went back over their conversation. Was Jessica an answer to a prayer? Joe couldn’t recall ever being so open with anyone other than Lisa, and after his short time with Jessica, he could almost see things from a different perspective. Something had shifted inside him.
Earlier that evening, it even seemed as though God might be with him. He sensed the reason was that he’d stopped to take his eyes off his own misery for five minutes and finally saw, really saw, the hurt his wife was feeling. Or it could be due to Jessica’s prodding. Whatever the reason, Joe knew one thing above all else. Lisa was in crisis-mode. Determined to be there for her now, he fumbled with the door key in one hand and the potato soup in the other. As he did, one thought overwhelmed him. He still loved his wife, and he was no longer overcome with the intense, desperate need for her to leave him alone.
After setting the soup on the small table, Joe looked over at the bed where Lisa lay sleeping. Unsure whether he should wake her, he gently whispered her name. Her eyelashes fluttered, but she didn’t open her eyes.
It was just as well. Joe watched her for a minute, thinking sleep was probably better than soup right now. Especially if she was able to rest peacefully.
Except Lisa wasn’t resting peacefully. He’d watched her sleep so many times through the years he knew she wasn’t really sleeping. She had a certain way of breathing at night. Not a snore, something softer, a rhythmic sound that never failed to match the beats of his heart.
Or maybe the beats of his heart matched her breaths.
“Lisa?” he called her name again, not expecting her to answer. For whatever reason, she wanted him to think she was asleep.
Maybe Jessica was right and she did need something to look forward to. Even as he ran the thought through his mind, his stomach twisted into knots. Still, he forged on.
“I know you’re awake. But that’s OK. You don’t have to talk to me. The ship’s first port of call is tomorrow. Ketchikan. We can go if you’d like. Think about it.”
She still didn’t move a muscle, but that was OK. He knew she heard him. That’s what was important. She heard him and hopefully would look forward to morning.
Not that he looked forward to it himself. He would have at one time, but not anymore. And he didn’t really think spending the day touring with Lisa was such a great idea.
If it wasn’t for his talk with Jessica, he wouldn’t have even made the offer. She’d suggested it as a way to cheer up Lisa.
Joe didn’t suspect Jessica’s motives. She was a kind woman and only seemed concerned about Lisa’s welfare, nothing more. Joe was concerned, too. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be going out on this limb. Maybe after going into town, Lisa would feel better. Then he would feel better.
He got into bed, dreading morning. But he’d made the offer; he couldn’t call it back.
****
It broke Lisa’s heart not to answer when Joe whispered her name, but she couldn’t let him know she’d been crying again. He had enough on his heart without worrying about her any further. Just knowing he still cared, that he’d come looking for her, touched the deepest part of her soul.
The invitation to go into Ketchikan brought tears to her eyes. He wanted to spend the day with her. Earlier, that knowledge would have sent shivers of hope straight to her heart. Now, she just wasn’t so sure.
For a long time, she lay there wondering if it meant they could finally find a way to comfort each other. Were her prayers being answered bit-by-bit?
Listening to him breathe softly on the bunk below her, Lisa realized she’d have to think about it in the morning. Right now, her heart weighed too heavy to look forward to anything.
Lucky for Joe he’d been able to fall asleep so quickly. For him to nod off so quickly tonight must mean he was exhausted.
From looking for her.
Lisa brushed away the whisper of guilt and tried to focus her mind on something else. Like prayer. But it did no good. She couldn’t concentrate. Sleep would be a long time coming.
The dull, hollow ache in her chest never seemed to go away, but tonight, her heart ached deeper than usual, her memories of Cody more intense.
Tears seemed to always simmer at the back of her eyes. She could only pray that time would ease the ache and soothe the sting of emotions.
Sometimes, though, she was afraid to pray because God might answer her prayer and lessen her pain. But would that mean she’d forget her son?
No! A sob tore from her before she could stop it. She buried her face in her pillow, not wanting to disturb Joe.
Too late, she heard Joe’s covers rustling, followed by his footsteps on the floor.
A second later his breath whispered across her neck, the touch of his hand tucking her hair behind her ear, gently touching the exposed part of her cheek just above her jawline.
“Lisa?”
She grew still, her face buried in her pillow, and tried to keep herself from revealing she was awake.
“Come on, Lisa. I know you’re awake.” His deep voice rumbled in her ear, and she realized he was standing on the ladder to her bunk. She held her breath, her pride too strong to let him see her tears or to share with him just how deeply she hurt.
He gave a none-too-gentle tug on the edge of her pillow. “You’re going to suffocate in that pillow, you know.”
The depth of caring she heard in his voice warmed her heart. For so long, he’d scarcely acknowledged her. Compelled to ease some of the worry she heard in his voice, she finally answered him. “I’m not going to suffocate, Joe. I’m awake. I’m fine. Now go away.”
After all the agonizing over his remoteness, and the hope and prayers for them to be able to comfort each other, why in the world was she telling him to leave her now?
She hadn’t planned for Joe to see her cry anymore; she was certain that’s what had driven him away in the first place.
If only he knew how much guilt she had stored in her heart.
****
Oddly disappointed by Lisa’s refusal to let him comfort her, Joe settled back into bed and closed his eyes. But his mind wouldn’t settle. Frustrated, Joe recognized the sharp sting of rejection. All he wanted to do was comfort her, help her out of this dark place she’d found herself at tonight.
Like she tried to do so often for you.
Now he knew exactly how she felt when he refused to let her in. Lisa, what are we going to do? He wished he could go back to ignoring her, but he couldn’t. Neither could he go back to that dark place where he shut everything, and everyone, out.
Ashamed of himself, of the way he’d abandoned Lisa, Joe knew he couldn’t leave Lisa to deal with this hopelessness by herself. He needed to be there for her in ways he hadn’t been before. He couldn’t abandon her a second time.
The enormity of his failure staggered him. She deserved better than to have him in her life. Then a new thought flickered at the edges of his mind. Even though he thought it was best for her, could it be possible the divorce would only bring more pain and devastation to Lisa?
Are you listening, Lord? I’m so confused. How can I help her without hurting her more?
He might be confused about what was best for Lisa, but he did know one thing. While she’d come here intending to help him, he was about to turn the tables and help her. Tomorrow morning when they woke up, Lisa would find him with a different attitude.
****
Joe’s heart caught. Clearly, Lisa hadn’t slept well. Traces of the des
pair and desolation from last night still showed in the dark smudges under her eyes that showed through her cosmetics.
He would give anything to wipe the sorrow from her eyes.
“Good morning.”
She jumped, clearly not expecting to see him already up and dressed for the day.
“I’ve been waiting for you,” he said.
“You have?”
Joe could almost convince himself that something in her voice perked up, and he wished he could call back his words. He didn’t want to give her false hope. But he couldn’t seem to help himself. Feeling almost desperate to find a way to help her over the disappointment of not seeing the whales, Joe forged ahead. “Jessica invited us to eat breakfast with her in the dining room. I wanted to know if you’d like to go.”
“No, I don’t think so.”
“No?” He didn’t believe she meant it even as she shook her head.
“Aren’t you hungry?”
“Not really.”
“OK, then.” Joe tried not to focus in on the fact that she’d missed dinner last night. Instead, he made the offer she’d ignored last night. Another of Jessica’s suggestions, but Lisa didn’t need to know. “The ship’s first port of call today. Ketchikan. Would you like to go?”
“No.”
Lisa’s negative answers frustrated him, but why was it suddenly so important to him that she agree to do something today? “You want to just sit around here all day?”
“I think so.”
“Isn’t that what you didn’t want me to do? You said it wasn’t good for me.”
“Maybe I was wrong. Maybe you were right to sit around all day doing nothing.”
Joe sighed, at a momentary loss over what to do. He had to save Lisa from spiraling into the same deep, dark despair he’d allowed himself to cultivate. If she lost sight of God, as he’d done, she would have nothing to draw from in a crisis.
But Lisa wasn’t like him, he reminded himself. Lisa had faith; she had strength. She just seemed to have forgotten for the moment. He had to point her in the right direction.
True North Page 10
