He steps up beside me and kisses the top of my head. His warm breath on my cool skin sends a shiver through me. I lean against him and accept his quiet strength when he wraps his arm securely around me.
“Hey.” I look up at him and try to smile so he’ll smile back at me.
“Good morning, little álainn.” His voice is rough in the morning when he first wakes up. It scratches against my nerve endings and sparks desire through my body. “I woke up and you were gone. I do not like not waking up to you in my arms.” He frowns grumpily and I try to stop my lips from twitching in amusement.
“I like waking up in your arms too, goblin.” I press myself farther into his embrace. “I just needed a few minutes of silence to myself this morning.”
“Again?” He looks down at me, his expression serious. “Are you avoiding me, little álainn? Tell me what I can do to help, and I will do so. I can’t do anything with silence.”
Instead of snapping at him that, yeah, I need silence again, gods damnit, I think on my answer. “Yes, again. All day every day, I’ve got people talking to me about what I should and shouldn’t do. And I don’t want to worry you any more than I need to. You’re already at your limits just figuring out security semantics for everyone. The last thing I want to do is add to it all. I don’t want you to resent me and everything I have going on. When you’re with me, I want it to be happy and light and sexy and none of the bad.” My voice cracks at the end and I push him back a little so I can squeeze between him and the stone wall.
He rubs a hand over the lines marring his forehead before he drops it to my hip. “Ever.” He sighs and squeezes me gently. “We are never going to be only light and happy. All of this between us is heavy and dark and full of every emotion possible. I don’t want just the fun and worry-free stuff. I want to help you see through the darkness, and I want to help carry all of your troubles. I won’t deny that I crave any and all of our intimate moments, but I also want to learn about you. What makes you tick. What scares you. What delights you and what you want in life. That is what a relationship is. It’s all of that. All of the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful moments rolled into one package that we unwrap together.”
I lean forward and rest my forehead in the middle of his chest. My eyes sting and tears fall. All I’ve done for the past few days is flip between sadness and crying and rage and fleeting moments of happiness. Dare’s wormed his way inside my heart until I can’t pretend that I can push him out any longer. Even if I wanted to, it would shatter me. I tried to avoid it for months but he wouldn’t let me. I told him that he’d end up breaking my heart and I was right. But what I didn’t know was that he’d be the one to piece it back together and help me protect it.
“Dare.” I sniffle unattractively and wipe the tears away. “I’m so scared of everything. I’m afraid that I’m going to mess this up, and I’m petrified that I won’t be able to protect everyone I love. I’m terrified that I’m going to make a bad decision, and when I do, I won’t be the only one who’s affected.” I look up at him. “If I was the only one in the crosshairs, I wouldn’t be frozen and unable to make a decision. But it’s not just me. It’s you and my crew and Arela, and according to prophecies and Goddesses, it’s the future of two kingdoms. That is a lot of pressure on anyone’s shoulders. I’m not meant to rule anything. I’m meant to take orders and get shit done.”
“Ever—”
I barely hear him say my name; my own thoughts are deafening as I speak them aloud. “And don’t even get me started on the baby situation. I’m supposed to have a child who will unite kingdoms? Talk about even more pressure. What if I don’t want my child to rule kingdoms? I don’t even know if I can handle a child. What if I’m a horrible mother? What if something happens to that child? I’d lose my mind. I don’t know that I can take the heartache if something else happens to another loved one. When did my life become so complicated?” I stop talking and just stare into his sunset-orange and deep autumn-red eyes like they’ve got all the answers.
“Are you finished?” He rubs a hand up my back and I take a shaky breath.
“Yeah, I think I’m finished. Sorry.”
“I could shake you right now.” He growls the words and I frown at him. “Where is the spitfire who told me to go to hell multiple times? Where is the fearless little warrior who ignores orders and takes matters into her own hands? You’re scared. I understand that. We’re all scared, but taking action and making the wrong decision is better than not taking any action at all.”
I mull his words over and try to fight through the tangled mess of thoughts in my head. My heart beats fast as I try to make a decision. Just one decision and I’ll be able to make the rest, right? I expel a deep breath and squeeze my eyes shut.
“Okay. One thing at a time, right?”
Dare nods and smiles reassuringly.
“First, I need to speak with the Druids. I have a few vital questions for them. Then I need to sit down with my crew and go over what we have for information on MECA. From there we can come up with a plan of attack. After that, I need to check in on Arela and see how she’s doing.” The pressure in my chest lessens marginally now that I’ve planned out the first few things on my agenda for the day. “After all of that’s finished, I’ll figure out the rest.” I nod once, matter-of-factly.
Dare steps back and holds out his hand to me. I place my cold hand in his warm one and squeeze.
“Thank you.”
Dare shakes his head. “Don’t thank me, Ever. The world is at your feet. I’m only along for the ride.”
If I had a map, maybe I wouldn’t be so lost.
CHAPTER
TWO
I walk into the library the Druids have overtaken as their personal sanctuary and apothecary and stop short. Arela is sitting close to Brodie. Too close. I frown.
“Hey! Shouldn’t you be in school, young lady?”
Arela’s head snaps up and her pale cheeks redden. “Not for another hour. It’s my short day, followed by training from Dagan.”
“Mmhmm. Shouldn’t you be eating breakfast? Or doing homework?”
Arela rolls her eyes. “I already ate and my homework is all done. Brodie is teaching me some druidy stuff.”
“Is he now?” I quirk a brow at Brodie. “Thought that was top-secret information?”
He shrugs. “Not so much secret as not advertised for everyone.”
“Mmhmm. So what are we learning?”
Brodie’s face flushes a bright red and my interest piques. For the past few weeks, Brodie and Arela have grown close. Dare isn’t happy with the development, and if I’m being honest, neither am I. Arela has a crush on Brodie, who’s four years her senior. She likes to remind us all that she’s fifteen in a month, but she’s still a minor. The Fae view sexuality as something to explore and revel in. At MECA we had to abide by the same rules as the human realm, where you’re not an adult until you’re eighteen. I’m determined to hold Arela to the same rule no matter how much she hates me for it. Brodie seems to reciprocate the feelings Arela has, but he’s been cautious so far with any overt intentions. He hasn’t overstepped, but his blush worries me as to what exactly he’s showing her.
“N-Nothing too major or anything.” Brodie shoves his hands in the front pockets of his jeans and I step closer.
“Really?” I look to Arela. “Spit it out before I make you.”
“He just gave me this.” She holds a rose out in front of her. “See, look.” She pulls a lifeless and dried rose from a pile behind Brodie and holds it out. “Show her, Brodie.”
Brodie’s face turns a deeper shade of red and he waves a hand over the dead rose and mutters a few words in a language I don’t know.
I watch as the rose slowly regains life. The stem turns a lush green and the bud straightens up before blooming wide. Finally, the petals turn a deep teal ringed in magenta and Arela squeals in delight.
“Isn’t it so cool? Brodie says soon I’ll be able to do that if I practice
.”
I try to hide my smile and fail. The rose is the same colors as her eyes. This kid. Obviously he’s got a heart buried in there somewhere. “That is pretty awesome. Brodie is a super nice friend for teaching you this stuff.”
Arela huffs. “Eve—”
“Where’s Amren hiding?”
Brodie and Arela shrug.
“He’s not in here? How do you not know where he is? He always knows where you are, Brodie.”
“It’s a spell he put on me.” He rolls his eyes. “He might be in the back grinding up some herbs. He had me up at the crack of dawn collecting them with him.”
“Cool.” I point a finger between them. “Three feet apart. But have fun!”
“Ever!” Arela yells, but I ignore her as I walk to the back.
I run my hand over the spines of the books in the shelves as I walk past them and find peace in the thought that no matter what I’m going through, someone else in these books went through a hell storm of their own and made it out to tell the tale. The crunch of mortar against pestle greets my ears and I smile as I round the corner and find Amren hard at work.
“Hey, Amren, you have a few minutes for your favorite person?”
He turns and smiles warmly at me. “Of course, lass. Come sit. Do you want some tea?”
“Tea would be lovely, thank you.” I sit on one of the stools near the table before I stand again and walk around the room. I can’t sit still right now. Not with all the pent-up aggravation and worry swirling around inside me like a tornado. And this conversation is going to be so awkward I don’t even know where to begin.
Amren messes around and gets some water boiling before turning to face me. “What can I help you with, lass? You seem agitated.”
I blow out a breath and worry my lower lip with my teeth. “I am agitated. This conversation is uncomfortable but I need to ask about it.” I scratch at my neck as I feel heat rising to my face. “So… Dare and I are… active… sexually.” I cough and Amren fiddles with his robes. “And you know about the prophecy.” I pick up a bottle with some leaves in it and rub it between my hands. “So I need to know if there’s a way to stop pregnancy for Fae.” My face heats in embarrassment and I look everywhere but in Amren’s direction.
“Are you with child, lass?” Amren steps closer to me and eyes my flat stomach.
My eyes go wide. “Not as far as I’m aware!” I shout. “Sorry. I mean, no. Just no. I don’t want to be right now either until I can sort out a few things. I have more problems than I know what to do with and I’m terrified of bringing a baby into the world until some things are cleared up.”
“Ah. I see. Well, there are a few herbs that can remove a pregnancy. And I might know an incantation or two to prevent it, but it must be said before the deed is done each time.”
I wince. Not exactly what I was hoping for, but I guess beggars can’t be choosers. “Is it long and complicated? Or something that has to be said aloud? Does it have to be said right before he…” I wave a hand and don’t finish my sentence. “Or can it be said after? Or do you mean before like before anything?” I shut my mouth with a click of teeth to stop my rambling questions.
“I’m not sure, lass. I’ve only heard of these, not actually used them myself. I can find out for you if you’d like though.”
“Yes. Please do.” I smile in relief that the conversation is over for now and take the cup of tea he hands me. “Also, I’d like to keep this between us. I’m not sure how Dare feels about a baby, and I’m not sure what exactly we are, but that’s another thing I wanted to talk to you about.” I blow on my tea and take a sip while I build up my courage to ask about the possibility of a future with Dare.
“What is, lass?”
“Mates. What do you know about them?” I tense while I wait.
Amren perks up. “Quite a bit actually. What is it you’re curious about?”
“I know of a few things that prove couples are mates, but I’m unsure of subtler signs.” I take another sip of tea. “I’m not saying this right. Let me try again. Dare thinks we might be mates but for some reason it’s not super-obvious yet.”
“Give me an example, lass.” Amren pulls his chair closer to mine and gives me his full attention. His calm presence soothes some of my frazzled nerves and I relax my shoulders.
“We can’t hear each other’s thoughts. Most goblin mates are able to do that, right?” Amren nods. “And he says he can feel me in his chest, and I feel like it’s right when we’re together, like it all clicks into place. But that terrifies me because there are no obvious signs of us mating. There are no marks. I’ve gone glowworm a few times, but nothing permanent. No thoughts, no crazy sexual frenzy period, nothing. I mean, we have sex, but it’s not like what I heard where you lock yourselves in a room for forty-eight hours and lose yourself in each other until nothing else exists but the next breath your mate takes.”
“Curious… Correct me if I’m wrong but you and Dare are both half-goblin, half-elf, right?”
“Yes, we both are. Why? Does that matter? I know of plenty of mates who are leath cine.”
“You know of plenty of mates who only have one member of the duo who is leath cine or they are both leath cine but two different varieties. Not a lot of matches are both leath cine of the same variety. You are both fully Fae but you have two very powerful… strands of instincts, let’s call them, vying for dominance.”
“Ookay… so what does that mean? That our bloodlines are fighting each other?”
“Not quite. More like I’d say don’t ignore the subtle things. Dare leans more toward goblin instincts and tendencies and very little of his elven heritage from my observances. You, however, are more elven with a dash of goblin. Thus your mating instincts might be fighting each other, but if it’s meant to be, lass, it will happen. I’ve seen a few pairs that were around each other and near each other for years before there was confirmation of their mating. Every pair is different.”
I rub my face in frustration. More waiting. “I’m starting to think my whole life is a game of hurry up and wait.”
Amren chuckles. “That’s life, my dear. We rush through it for the next thing, but we forget that sometimes there’s beauty to be seen if we only wait long enough for it to appear.”
I sigh and finish my tea. “Thanks, Amren. I appreciate your help. I’d stay and chat but I’ve got another full day of things to get done.” I groan and stand.
Amren waves me off with a smile. “Go, go, lass. I’ll look into everything for you.”
*
Thirty minutes later I’m sitting in the main hall eating when Doyle walks in with his mouth in a grim line.
“D, over here!” I wave him over and he heads my way with a quick stride.
“Hey, Ev.” He reaches for the pitcher of ale that’s perpetually on the tables in the main hall and pours himself a drink before tossing it back.
“Everything okay?”
“No. This shit is getting to me, Ev.” He runs a hand through his dark hair and sighs. “It’s all piling up, and every time we handle something, another thing pops up.”
Panic lances through me at the thought of Doyle no longer beside me handling the day to day and helping to keep our crew together. We grew up together, fighting and laughing and looking out for each other. He’s my brother and my best friend. I’d be lost without his wisecracks and his tireless support. “What are you saying? Are you leaving?”
He looks at me sharply. “I’d never leave you guys voluntarily. You know that. It’s just catching up with me all at once. We spent all of our lives growing up and believing in MECA. Everything they taught us, everything we learned, and we trusted them.”
I stay silent because there’s nothing I can say to refute that. Doyle’s thoughts mirror my own, so I just listen as he gets it off his chest.
“They taught us that we are unwanted. That we are seen as lesser. And with one chance meeting, we blew that apart. We were told we would have been welcome but they refuse
d it and went on their own. I can respect that. Pride is a powerful emotion. But to keep generations from their families… That gets to me.” He pours another glass of ale and holds it up. I shake my head. I don’t need alcohol clouding my judgement right now. “Let’s not forget that your uncle is now trying to repeal the Declaration that ruined generations of lives and he wants you to play centerpiece to that. And motherfucking Head Guard Frederick. That slimy bastard set you up and is working with Cashel and the Order of Íonachta. And for what? So he can play politician, Fae edition? I don’t get it, Ev. I just don’t understand how you can betray everyone you swore to protect.”
“I know. I don’t understand it either because we were raised under their code. Never leave an innocent behind, always be truthful even when it hurts, and fight until the very last. We all follow that and will continue to follow that. While I’d like to knife Freddy in the neck for his actions against us, it would only sink us to his level.”
Doyle smirks. “It would be so satisfying though.”
I chuckle. “Yeah, it would. I think we’re going to let him hang himself though. I’ve got a plan in place but it’s going to take some maneuvering in the human realm. I’m not sure how we’re going to get everyone out there safely without attracting attention though.”
“Dare won’t let you leave the castle without a group of guards.” I open my mouth to protest and he holds up a hand. “Let me finish. I don’t like it, and I know you don’t like it but the alternative is getting smashed in the head with a brick again if they outnumber us. I trust in our crew and our abilities and we’ve come out of some crazy shit unscathed, but here and now, we just don’t know enough about the Order’s numbers and abilities to not play it overly cautious.”
I prop my chin up on my fist and rack my brain for another solution. Nothing. I come up with nothing but frustrated rantings and visions where I start hacking and slashing at every one of my enemies one by one. “I wish we could go back to when it was just us getting a set of orders from MECA. We’d grab food and beer and we’d all sit at the dining room table and plot and plan and drink and laugh. And now our crew isn’t just the five of us. It’s a freaking platoon of goblins and Druids and every move has to be measured by some political agenda because gods forbid we offend someone to get something done.”
Throne of Secrets (Wicked Kingdoms Book 3) Page 2
