“I just have a bad feeling. What do we know? What happened?”
“It looks like one of the younger ones was playing in the caves and tripped a ward,” Dagan replies.
“So it was just an accident?”
“Just an accident. It wasn’t an attack, Ever.” Dagan’s voice is low and soothing and I hold on to it like a life raft.
“Ever, you need to take a few deep breaths, little tine. I can feel your heart thundering against my side.”
“I know. I can’t help it. I need to know Arela is safe. I should have gone with Doyle rather than just sending him and Axel.”
“No, you did the right thing. You stayed here surrounded by guards. You’re a primary target.” Dare smooths a hand up and down my back, his touch calming me slightly but not enough that my breathing slows.
I want to snap at him and say I’m a fucking warrior. I don’t need to stay put and be protected. I can fight my own battles. I can protect my crew and I can protect Arela on my own. But it wouldn’t be fair if I took out my stress on him. Or any of the other guards who are working day and night to keep us all safe while we figure out the best way to get at the Order and stop them. Just as I’m about to start pacing, Doyle walks through the main doors with Arela, Brodie, and Amren right behind him.
My chest deflates like a popped balloon and I rush toward her. I hug her tight and then pull back, looking her over for any signs of injury. “You’re okay?”
“We’re fine. We didn’t even hear the alarm.” Arela grips my hand in hers tightly while she talks to me. I know being on guard can’t be easy for her. And Cashel is still out there. Still able to get to any of us. While we killed Odaine, who’d handed her over to him, we still haven’t gotten rid of Cashel.
“Good, well, I’m glad you’re all okay. Sorry for the scare. We just had to make sure everyone is safe.” I smile tightly at Amren and Brodie.
“I think I need some tea. Do you want some, Ever?” Arela asks.
“Yeah, I’ll take some. Thank you.”
Brodie moves with her, keeping an eye on her and helping her.
I turn to Amren. He’s eyeing me closely and I sigh. “What is it, Amren?”
“I think I figured it out, lass, but you’re not going to be happy.”
“Figured what out?” I rub at my temples, the beginnings of a headache forming behind them.
“I think you and Dare should come with me after you get your tea, lass.”
Dare wraps his arm around my waist as Amren talks and looks from Amren to me. “What did I miss? Go with you where?”
“Amren said he figured something out so once Arela gets me some tea, he thinks we should go with him to chat. That’s all I’ve got.”
“I don’t think you want to talk about this here, lass. Trust me.” Amren holds two hands out in front of him pressed together like he’s praying. Whether for my patience or divine intervention, I have no idea.
“Okay, we’ll go with you as soon as I get my tea. No biggie. We’ll see you in your sanctuary.” I force a smile to my lips as the old Druid turns and walks away.
“What was that about?” Dare asks.
“Your guess is as good as mine. Probably something that will upset one or both of us, because what else is new?”
CHAPTER
TWENTY
Dare and I settle into chairs around the table that Amren has cleared of everything but a few scraps of paper. I blow on my tea, waiting for Amren to stop pacing and join us.
Dare raises a brow in my direction and I shrug. I’ve got no idea what is stressing the Druid out. Before I can open my mouth to ask Amren what’s making him spaz out, he blurts it out.
“I think you’re pregnant, Ever.”
His words sound like a bomb going off in the small room and my vision goes white. I can hear Amren talking and Dare responding, but I can’t understand what they’re saying. My ears are ringing and I’m staring down at my cup of tea in my hands, trying to comprehend what Amren just said. I couldn’t have heard him right. I took precautions. Dare and I haven’t shown signs of being mates. It’s rare for non-mated couples to have children. Even rarer than mated couples having them.
I move in my seat and I focus my eyes to see Dare crouched in front of me. His mouth is moving but I still can’t hear him. I shake my head, trying to clear it, but it doesn’t work. Dare takes my cup of tea from my hands and I stare down at them. Empty. I can’t be pregnant. I can’t. I’m not ready to bring a child into this world. Not now. Now with a war brewing and a crazy Order bent on taking my child and using it to their advantage to unite kingdoms in their twisted visage of Fae purity.
The breakfast I ate this morning sits in my stomach like rocks and I breathe through my nose to keep from throwing it up. How could this have happened? How?
Dare shakes me, and finally, with a pop, I can hear him screaming my name.
“Ever! Ever!”
“I’m okay.” I speak softly and his grip loosens on my shoulders.
Dare looks over his shoulder to Amren and his voice is low and angry. “What just happened? Is she okay?”
“I think that was a moment of shock. Let her process.”
“Can I have my tea back?” I ask, just so I have something to do with my hands and so I can take a sip of something and try to swallow the news that’s currently choking me.
Dare looks to Amren first before handing it to me. I take a small sip and pray that I can swallow it and keep it down.
“Amren, why do you think I’m pregnant? I don’t feel any different.” I look up at him over Dare’s shoulder.
“You’ve been tired, and your appetite has increased. Add in the fact that you’re walking differently.”
“Come again?”
“You’re walking differently.”
“How can you tell I’m walking differently? I don’t think I’m walking differently.”
“It’s subtle and not something everyone would notice, but I’ve been keeping an eye out for any subtle signs. I just noticed it this morning.”
“So you’re not sure then. It’s just a hunch?” A small spark of hope lights within me and I keep picking at his reasons. “Also, I’ve been tired from stress. And food is comfort.”
“There is a way to test it and be sure, if you’d like to?” Amren asks.
I look to Dare, who looks just as shocked as I feel. He’s also staring at my stomach like something is going to jump out of it and attack him.
“Might as well. So we can put this to bed and not worry about it. How long will it take?”
“It will take me a few hours to make the brew and then a few hours until we’ll know.”
“Nothing invasive?” I ask with trepidation.
“No. You drink it and then you’ll”—he coughs and his wrinkled face turns a bit pink—“urinate on a piece of parchment and it will turn a certain color.”
“A Druid pregnancy test?” I raise a brow.
“Yes, the humans have sticks, but seeing as we don’t have those on hand, this will have to do.”
“Okay. Well, let me know when you’ve got everything ready and I’ll do my thing.” As always, I arm myself with sarcasm. It’s the only way I can focus for the next five minutes until I can get out of this room and safely into mine before breaking down.
I hop up and Dare jumps back like I tried to take a bite out of him. His reaction hurts, but I get that he’s dealing the best he can. Right along with me.
“You coming?” I ask him.
He looks at me and then steps back and I wince. “I’ll be along shortly.” Then he turns his back on me and sits down at the table again.
“Okay.” I whisper the word before I walk as quickly as I can without setting off any alarms to my room. Pain makes my limbs feel like they each weigh a thousand pounds and I’m walking through quicksand but finally I get there.
Dax is waiting at the door, and before I can open it and close myself off from everyone, he stops me.
“You okay,
Ev?”
“F-Fine.” I stutter out the word before slipping under his arm and into my room. I shut the door with a soft click behind me and lock it from the inside.
I slide down to the floor with my back against the solid wooden door and bite my lip to hold in a sob until I taste blood. I can’t have a baby. Not right now. I don’t know if I’ll be a good mom. I can barely steer Arela in the right direction and she’s a teenager. And Dare’s face. He looked like I struck him. He doesn’t want any children. I could tell. We’ve never spoken about it, but his reaction was enough confirmation for me.
Pain tightens my muscles and I wrap my arms around my legs. I replay Dare’s reaction to me over and over in my mind. His flinch, him stepping away from me. Tears splash on my forearms and I blow out a slow breath to keep them silent. I think back to when I had my last cycle but I can’t remember. It’s been irregular for years now. Stress of the job, I guess.
I drank Amren’s tea every day. He’d said that it would work.
I try to rationalize in my head. It’s just a hunch. He has no proof yet. I’ve been tired because of stress. I’ve probably gained five pounds because I’ve been eating comfort foods. Bread is my weakness and I’ve eaten a lot of it lately. And walking funny. Ha! No one can tell that I’m walking funny. It’s not like I sprained my ankle or something. He’s just being paranoid. That has to be it. It has to.
I repeat that thought over and over in my head like a mantra and get up from my spot against the door. I crawl into bed and wrap myself around Dare’s pillow, my tears making a wet spot on it. And while I lie there, I let my heart break just a little. For the possible loss of Dare. And for the hard life that any child I might bring into this world will have.
*
Pounding on the door wakes me up and I roll over and see that night has fallen. Gods, I slept the day away and no one woke me.
The pounding continues, and Dare’s voice joins it.
“Ever? Open the door so I don’t have to break it down.”
I debate staying silent, not sure if I can face him and his rejection right now.
“I can hear you moving around. Open the door, Ever.”
I flop back onto the mattress before I get up and walk slowly toward the door. I unlock it and then head back toward the bed so I can hide while he does whatever he needs to.
I sit at the edge of the bed and wait for the door to open. My eyes ache from crying and I’m sure they’re red and puffy. I feel like my whole face is swollen. Dare steps through the opening of the door and closes it behind him before looking me over. He looks a bit ragged himself. His hair is messed up, and his clothes are askew. I drink him in and memorize every detail of his strong hands and his muscled arms. The scar on the right side of his face and his crooked nose. Finally, I meet those autumn-leaf-colored eyes and I feel tears sting my own.
He rushes forward and falls to his knees at the edge of the bed in front of me.
“Don’t cry, Ever. Please don’t cry.” He wraps his arms around my calves and lays his head in my lap.
“How can I not? I have no idea what’s going on and you’re obviously not happy at the idea of me being pregnant. What else am I supposed to do?” I hiccup a sob and try to keep my shit together so I can form words to speak with the man I love.
Dare pulls back. “You think I’m unhappy?”
“I saw your face, Dare. You wouldn’t even touch me and you turned your back on me.”
“I was in shock, Ever. I swear it. I didn’t mean to upset you.” He grabs my hands in his and presses kisses into my palms and on the tips of my fingers. “I just needed some time to speak with Amren about what this means and what I should expect and how to keep you and the little one safe.”
“We don’t even know if it’s true yet. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.” I suck in a deep breath, the knowledge that he wasn’t rejecting me settling my nerves and mending the small crack that had formed on my heart at the thought of no longer being with Dare.
“I think it would be wise if we talk about it now, just in case. Don’t you?” Dare smiles up at me and I nod. “Do you want children, mo grá?”
“I’ve never thought it would be possible. So I haven’t thought about it. I’ve got Arela but that’s different. She’s more a little sister, you know? I’ll protect her with my life, but she’s a teenager. She won’t need me in a few years.” I shrug.
“So you don’t want children?” Dare grabs the chair on his side of the bed and pulls it forward before sitting in it. He keeps my hands in his while we talk and I’m thankful for the contact. It’s keeping me grounded in the here and now instead of flying off into a frenzy of unanswered questions and what-ifs.
“I think I want them. But not right now. Not when an Order is after any children I have because they think it will unite kingdoms and help them purify the Fae. I don’t want any child of mine to be in danger or to live in fear.”
“I don’t think you can control that, either way. I understand what you mean, but your family ties alone mean the child is at risk.”
I never thought of that. My uncle is the King of the Light Elves. My sort-of mate is son to the Goblin King. Gods. How is this my reality? “I know I can’t control everything, but I won’t allow my children to be used as pawns in some war.”
“No. We will not.” Dare rubs a hand down his stubbled cheek. “You have to know that I’d die for you and any children we may have. You have to know that I’d do anything within my power to protect you and them.”
I cup his face in my hands. “I know that. But I don’t want to be the reason you’re no longer with me. I don’t think I could raise a child without you by my side, Dare. Our deal goes both ways. You can’t take unnecessary risks either. Especially if I’m pregnant.”
“I will do my best, but nothing will stop me from protecting you.” Dare’s voice is harsh in his promise and warmth fills my chest.
“I know, Dare. But you also can’t put me in a tower and keep me there. Until it becomes a problem, if it even is a problem, I will continue to meet with the different courts and kingdoms so we can fight against the order.”
“Ev—”
“No, Dare. You can’t change my mind here. If I’m not showing, and no one knows, what’s the difference? I’ll be safe. We can bring more guards with us. But I won’t let others do my work for me. Unfortunately, most of the leaders want to meet with me, not someone representing me. It is what it is and I won’t risk an alliance falling apart because I’m too scared to show up.”
“I’m not going to change your mind here, am I?”
“Afraid not, goblin.”
“Stubborn woman.” He turns his head and kisses my palm.
“You like it, don’t lie.”
“Mmhmm. Guilty as charged.” He stands up and kisses me, soft and slow, until I can’t breathe anymore.
I pull back. “Are we okay?”
“We’re perfect, mo grá. No matter the result of this pregnancy test, we’ll handle it together and we’ll keep kicking ass and changing history.”
“Sounds like a good plan to me.” I wrap my arms around him and breathe him in. This man has broken through every wall of mine and inserted himself into my heart and helped me defend it from any outsiders. Without him, I’d cease to breathe. But with him, every breath I take is a gift. “I love you, Dare.” I kiss his chest.
“And I love you, Ever.” He drops a kiss to the top of my head and all is right in my world for a few stolen moments.
CHAPTER
TWENTY-ONE
After drinking what was probably the most disgusting mixture and waiting the right amount of time before doing my thing with some parchment, I’m feeling rather silly, and a bit nauseous. Waiting is the worst. Ever. I’d rather practice my ancient languages and cultural customs than wait for anything. Patience isn’t one of my virtues.
While I pace a circle into the stones in the main hall, Dax walks in, smiling wide at me. He’s chipper. Cheery even.
“What did you do?” I ask him.
“Nothing that you won’t approve of.” He chuckles.
“Mmhmm. We’ll see about that. Spill it.”
“I’ve got us a meeting with the Seelie King. He’s curious about what’s happening so he’d like to chat with you.”
“Would he now? And how did he hear about ‘what’s happening’?”
“I’m sure he’s got spies within the Unseelie Kingdom and word has gotten out by now that Kiara is staying here with us.” Dax shrugs.
“And he approached you or you approached him? I know you said you have contacts but I thought we were waiting on contacting them.”
“They approached me. I haven’t spoken with my contacts.”
“Did they say what he might want in exchange for an alliance?” I brace myself for what Dax might say. Hopefully it’s not another marriage. I can’t keep trying to pair up the lot of them. They’ll try to kill me in my sleep.
“Luckily, not a marriage. He’s only got sons.”
“Praise the gods.” I sigh in relief.
“Basically my response as well.” Dax grabs a grape out of my bowl and pops it into his mouth.
“So what does he want?” I wave my hand in a circle so he’ll hurry up and get to the punch line.
“An opportunity to protect your children should you have any.”
I choke on a grape and cough. Dax slaps my back a few times until I can breathe again and I stare at him in shock. “He wants to guard my children? Is this a joke?” Dare and I haven’t told anyone about the test or what’s going on. We don’t want to say anything until we know for sure. Easier to avoid rumors that way.
“No joke. He would like for two of his sons to be considered for protecting them.”
“I don’t have any children, Dax. So how can we promise that? What if I never have any?”
“I guess you’ll have to discuss it with him…” He reaches for another grape and I snatch the bowl away from him.
“Why is everyone obsessed with my ovaries and any children I might have? For the love of the gods!”
Throne of Secrets (Wicked Kingdoms Book 3) Page 17
