It wasn’t until I dried my eyes that I realized one of the guys had driven the boat back to shore. Chris picked up Vanessa’s limp body and hurried with her onto the shore and across to the path back to the house. Jules handed me my cane that I had abandoned on the shoreline and took my other arm. I looked down at his arm on mine and only realized then that I was shaking badly.
John ran ahead of me, shouting into the phone. “Rob, find the nearest hospital and let them know we’re on our way with a near drowning victim. We’ll see you in a few minutes.”
After a minute of walking, I finally felt my muscles start to loosen up enough to get moving. I was still a lot slower than the guys, but with Jules help, we made it back to the cabin in no time. Chris and Rob had already taken off in one SUV with Vanessa, and John had the other one running and ready for us.
“I grabbed clothes for all of us. I figure this is going to be a long night,” he said as he put the SUV in drive and took off down the road.
I sat in silence the whole drive to the hospital. My body was coming down from the rush of it all and I was shaking uncontrollably.
“She’s going to be alright, Cazzo. You saved her,” John said reassuringly. I prayed that he was right, but I also knew that she hadn’t been breathing for too long and there was a very good chance that I saved her just for her to end up a vegetable. If that happened, I didn’t know if I could forgive myself. I was supposed to be the one protecting her and instead, I led her right into danger.
Why had I taken her out without one of the guys around? That had been so stupid. Years of training should have told me that it wasn’t safe, but I listened to my cock instead of my brain. If she didn’t make it, this was all on me. One huge mistake that I would never be able to fix.
We pulled up to the hospital and I walked in, leaning heavily on my cane. Walking up to the desk, I realized that I had no idea who I was supposed to ask for. Luckily, Chris was walking through the ER doors to the waiting area.
“How’s she doing?” I asked as I hurried over to him.
“She was still breathing when we got here. She was out of it though. The doctors are looking at her now. We just have to wait.”
I hung my head in shame. “This is all my fault. I should have never taken her down there.”
“You’re right. You fucked up big time,” Chris said with anger in his voice. “You knew better than to walk away from us. We were with you for a reason and you took that right out of our hands.”
I nodded, needing him to yell at me and tell me what a fucking moron I was. I deserved every word of it.
“You let your dick get in the way of common sense and that may have been okay when we were back at your house, but out here, where we have no one but ourselves to rely on. You fucking knew better.”
“Chris, that’s enough, man,” John said, walking up behind us.
“It’ll never be enough. Vanessa could have died, hell, she still could and all because he didn’t think like her security but as her boyfriend. That lies on all our shoulders now.”
“I said that’s enough. He doesn’t need this right now.” John got in Chris’s face, but I put my hand up between the two of them, keeping them from coming to blows.
“He’s right, John. Not only should my training have told me I was doing the wrong thing, but I’m a team leader. I know all too well what I should have been doing. I fucked up big time and I have to live with that now.”
“He may be right, but this is on us also. You were never supposed to be her close protection. The three of us were. There should have been two of us on duty at all times, and if there had been, there’s no way you would have been able to sneak her out. The blame falls on all of us right now, but pointing fingers isn’t going to do us a damn bit of good right now. So, pull your head out of your ass and let’s wait to see what the doctor says.”
John walked away, leaving Chris and I to stew over everything that was just said. We waited for a good hour before the doctor came out to talk to us. When he called the name of Vanessa Galmacci, I did a double take, sure I had heard the wrong name.
“Vanessa is breathing on her own, which is very good, but she hasn’t woken up. When someone goes without breathing past four minutes, that’s when oxygen deprivation really starts to affect the brain. Now, not every patient is the same, but you may be looking at significant brain damage here. We won’t know for sure until she wakes up, but I want you to prepare yourselves for the fact that she may not be the same person.”
I cleared my throat around the lump that had formed and held out my hand to the doctor. “Thank you. We appreciate everything you’ve done. Can I see her now?”
“She’s being moved to a room, but as soon as she’s settled, a nurse will take you to see her.” I nodded as he turned to walk away.
“Here, go get changed so that you’re not all wet when they take you to see her,” John said, handing me the bag of clothes. I took it from him and hobbled over to the bathroom to change. When I got there, I pulled off my wet clothes and flung them to the floor. I quickly redressed and then looked at myself in the mirror. I hated what I saw. The face staring back at me was a man that I no longer recognized. I had never behaved so stupidly in my life that a person almost died. Not just any person, but the woman I loved.
I bowed my head, no longer able to look at myself. One minute my chest was aching and the next, I was sitting on the ground, crying my fucking eyes out. No matter what John said, no one else was responsible here but me. I was a team leader and as a partial owner of Reed Security, it was my job to make sure that people followed the rules so that no one got hurt. I had fucked up. I was the one that had to own this mistake.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop the pain that was radiating from my chest. I squeezed my eyes shut and I saw Vanessa floating in the water, completely still with her hair floating all around her face. Then I saw her lying on the deck with Chris giving her CPR. I saw her blue lips and felt her cold skin. Every image was a nightmare that would play on repeat for the rest of my life. There was no way that I would ever forgive myself, no matter how this turned out. I was supposed to be her protector, but instead, I almost killed her.
“You’re gonna have to get your shit together. You can’t go see Vanessa if you’re crying. She’ll think you’re a pussy,” Chris said as he sat next to me on the floor.
I wiped at my eyes and took a deep breath. “I’m not going to see her.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“I can’t. I never should have been here. You and I both know that I shouldn’t have come with. I was already a liability, but having a personal relationship with her was a sure fire way to fuck up this whole situation.”
“Are you fucking serious right now? Your woman is lying in a fucking hospital bed and you’re going to walk away?”
I looked at him and shook my head. “I fucked up and we both know it. She was my responsibility-”
“No. She was our responsibility. What happened to her is on all of us.”
“What happened to her is because I snuck her out like a fucking teenager,” I yelled. “I waited until I knew you were gone and everyone else was asleep. I did this to her,” I yelled, beating my chest.
“Cazzo-”
“No.” I stood and grabbed my shit. “I’m done. I don’t deserve her and I sure as hell don’t deserve to be working at Reed Security. Just promise me you’ll take care of her.”
He was blocking the door now and it pissed me off. Nothing he could say would change my mind right now.
“I’m not letting you walk out of here. I get that you feel guilty. We all do. But you have a woman that loves you and you’re not going to just walk away when the going gets tough.”
“Move out of the way.”
“No.”
“Chris, don’t fuck with me right now. Move out of the way before I move you,” I growled.
“No.”
I charged him and slammed him into the bathro
om door. I landed a few punches to his kidneys before he wrenched my arm back and spun me into the wall.
“What kind of man are you that you would walk away from your woman when she needs you?”
I threw an elbow back and caught him in the face, causing him to stumble back. “Not a man that’s worthy of her,” I said, throwing a punch and catching him in the jaw. He swept my legs out from under me, making me fall on my back. Pain shot through me and I had to hold back to keep from yelling out. I could feel zips of pain shooting through my legs. He leaned down and got in my face.
“Now, get your shit together and go see your woman.”
“Fuck you,” I grimaced. I stood slowly, thankful that the blow didn’t damage my spine. I grabbed my cane and hobbled to the door. “Take care of her for me,” I said as I exited the bathroom.
“Wait,” he yelled from behind me.
“Let him go,” I heard Jules say.
“He’s fucking walking away,” Chris said incredulously.
“Then let him go.”
I turned the corner and found the nearest elevator. I couldn’t stay for one more minute in this hospital.
✯✯✯✯✯
Fucking useless. You’re nothing but a piece of shit. Couldn’t even protect your own goddamn woman.
I stumbled across my hotel room and grabbed the whiskey off the table. I had drunk most of the bottle and since I couldn’t remember the last time I’d eaten, I was pretty much wasted. I picked up the phone and ordered some room service and then sank down on my bed. Taking another swig from the bottle, I wiped at my mouth when some of it dribbled out the corner.
I never should have kissed her. That kiss, that earth shattering kiss that we shared just a few months ago had been the beginning of the end for me. I knew then how dangerous she would be to me and honestly, I didn’t regret a fucking thing, other than the fact that I almost got her killed. I didn’t regret taking that bullet for her and spending months in rehab. I didn’t regret letting her back into my life because she gave me some of the best memories a guy could ask for. Memories that I would be taking with me when I left this earth.
But I did regret being so cocky that I snuck her out of that house. I regretted that I had assumed I could take care of her. I regretted that my actions landed her in the hospital. I had no idea if she was going to be okay or not. All I knew was that if she didn’t end up a vegetable, she didn’t need someone like me in her life.
In fact, I couldn’t think of a single person in my life that I would be leaving behind that needed me in their life. The guys had other brothers at Reed Security that they would work with. I was closest with Sinner and Burg, but they still had each other. I hadn’t spoken to my parents in over a year and my siblings even longer. And I’d already realized that Vanessa was much better off without me.
I picked up the hotel phone and dialed the number I knew by heart. I should at least call and say goodbye to them. They deserved that much after all. Even though we weren’t close any more, my mother should get to hear from her son one last time.
The phone rang and rang and I didn’t think they were going to answer, but then my father answered the phone.
“Hello?” he said groggily.
“Dad. It’s Sam.”
“Sam? What’s wrong? Why are you calling in the middle of the night? Is everything okay?”
I sighed into the phone. “Is Mom there?”
“She’s sleeping. What’s going on?”
“I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry. I think I disappointed you,” I slurred.
“What are you talking about? You’ve never been a disappointment.”
“I fucked up, Dad. I met this woman and sh-she’s amazing, but I screwed it up. I didn’t protect her and now she’s dead. You would have really liked her.”
I was starting to get tired from all the alcohol I drank, but I needed to finish this conversation. I needed to say goodbye.
“Son, whatever happened, I’m sure it wasn’t your fault.”
“It was. I knew better. She drowned and I couldn’t save her.”
“Shit. Sam, sometimes things happen in life and no matter how terrible they are, no matter how lost you feel, you have to move on.”
“There’s no moving on without her.”
“Sam, how much have you had to drink?”
“A lot.”
“You’re not thinking clearly. Where are the guys you work with?”
“At the hospital. Someone had to stay with Vanessa.”
“Vanessa? That’s her name? It’s a beautiful name.”
“Yeah. She was amazing. A lot like Mom. Just a really good person. And now she’s gone because of me.”
“Sam, please just listen to me. This is not your fault. This is-”
“Dad, I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry that I haven’t been around and I want you and Mom to know that I love you.”
“Sam, don’t-”
“I gotta go now, Dad.”
I hung up the phone to the sound of him yelling into the phone. I stumbled over to the table by the door and grabbed my gun. It took me a minute to check it. I fumbled with it more than I should have, but the alcohol was making it difficult to make anything on my body work right. I looked around the room. Did it matter where I did this? Not really. I went back to the bed and sat down looking at my gun. Something that used to be like second skin to me was now going to be the thing that ended my miserable life.
I put the gun to my head and closed my eyes. I let the images of Vanessa play on a reel in my mind one last time. Vanessa cooking for me. Vanessa pretending to be unconscious so she could win a bet to get me off the shower floor. Her laughter. Her face as she came while I was buried inside her. The feel of her soft skin against mine. Her tears and her pain. Her floating in the cold water. Her limp body on the deck of the boat. The feel of my lips against hers for the last time.
I opened my eyes as someone pounded at the door, interrupting my last moments with Vanessa. “I’ll see you again, Vanessa.” I closed my eyes and saw one last image of Vanessa with her head thrown back in laughter. Her beautiful smile lighting up world one last time. I pulled the trigger.
I expected to feel something. Maybe a sharp pain or to feel like I was being fried, but I didn’t feel anything. I had hoped that it would hurt. That I would feel the pain that Vanessa felt as she struggled for every breath in the water, but there was nothing. How was a quick, painless death justice for what Vanessa had been through?
“Hey, asshole.”
I pried my eyes open and frowned when I saw Chris leaning over me. What the hell? I sure as hell didn’t want to see his ugly face when I died. Then his fist came at my face and it was lights out.
✯✯✯✯✯
My face fucking hurt. My jaw felt like it had been displaced and my head was pounding. What the hell had happened? Had I fallen on my face when I was drinking last night?
“He’s waking up,” a voice echoed in my head. I tried to sit up but my arms wouldn’t move. I jerked at them, but still nothing. When I tried to open my eyes, bright light blinded me and I quickly snapped them shut. Fuck, I felt like I was going to throw up. I swallowed hard to keep the bile from coming up, but it was no use. It churned in my stomach and I turned to the side, vomiting all over the floor.
“That’s fucking disgusting. I’m not cleaning that up. He can pay for the fucking damage.”
I slowly opened my eyes and saw Chris and John sitting across the room from the bed. John was sipping a coffee like he didn’t have a care in the world and Chris was glaring at me.
“What the fuck are you doing here? And why the hell am I handcuffed to the bed?”
“Don’t remember last night, do you?” John asked.
I thought back. I had drunk a hell of a lot of whiskey, but I didn’t see how that translated to being cuffed to the bed.
“You got a little drunk last night,” Chris said as he stood and picked up the bottle of Jameson. “Couldn’t even go for
the Jack Daniels? You had to drink this piss?”
“Chris, priorities.” He shook his head and stood up, walking over to me. “You don’t remember last night, do you?”
“Other than getting drunk? No.”
“How about the part where you called your Dad and told him that you killed Vanessa and you wanted to say goodbye?”
I furrowed my brows in confusion. “What? I didn’t-” It came back to me in little bits. Shit. Oh, shit. “Fuck.”
“Yeah, and you’re fucking lucky that we came to check on your ass. Your dad hit redial and told the guy at reception that you were going to kill yourself. We just happened to be getting here when his call came in. Guess what we found when we got to your room?”
I closed my eyes as I remembered holding the gun to my head. How could I have been so fucking stupid?
“Chris tackled you to the ground, just as you were pulling the fucking trigger. You’re gonna have to pay for the damages, by the way.”
I didn’t know what to say. I was so ashamed of myself right now. I had been so fucking depressed last night, but I never would have imagined I would go to those lengths because I was drunk.
“So, if I take off the cuffs, are you going to pick up a gun and try to finish the job?” John asked.
I shook my head. “No. I’m good.”
“I wouldn’t go that far,” Chris muttered. John unlocked the cuffs and I sat up slowly as my head spun. “Thanks for the food, by the way. Seems you ordered half the menu last night. They delivered it after we strapped your ass to the bed. It was pretty good.”
“No problem,” I said as my stomach rolled again. I stood up and hobbled over to the bathroom. My muscles were stiff this morning and only a hot shower would help at this point. I stood under the steamy water and let the events of last night wash over me. I had almost killed myself. If Chris and John hadn’t been here, I would have succeeded. I would have broken my mother’s heart all because I was too drunk to know what the hell I was doing.
Cazzo_A Reed Security Romance Page 16
