She shook her head. “Not yet.”
There was hope. I knew it for certain now. “That’s fine. Just let me know when you’re ready.” I was willing to wait as long as it took. In the meanwhile it would give me time to learn how to cook.
That night I dreamed about the sea. In the dream I was trying desperately to escape the furious water as it spit and rose like flames into the sky. I was sure I would die and I raged at the thought of never seeing my daughter or Lourdes again. When the final great wave was set to pummel me with merciless force and I was seeing my life flashing before my eyes, my boat was suddenly lifted up as if by the hand of a god and placed gently in calm waters near a row of great rocks. In the distance a tropical island rose out of the sea and a voice whispered to me, “Now is the time. You must leave soon.”
The dream was so realistic that I half expected to be drenched in sea water when I woke up, but I was dry and in my own bed at home. I felt the pull of the waves, the driving force that pushed me toward ocean life. My urge to explore and discover was heightened.
I thought of the ocean as an addiction that with time would wane. Sometimes I wondered though. Okay, most of the time I wondered. I doubted if my desire to change was strong enough. Most days I could remind myself why I was doing it. I could think about my wife and daughter and know that they were keeping me on solid ground, but this morning was different. The sea was calling me. I could do so much more than I was. “Now is the time,” the voice in my dream had said. Now is the time. So even though it was early I got up, put on my clothes, and left the house.
I drove out to the docks and parked my car as close as I could to the water. I sat there in the driver’s seat with the window rolled down so I could smell the tang of the sea air and hear the boats as they bumped and rubbed against the dock. They bobbed on the water and I thought about how I was going to get out on one of them again.
“Help me,” she’d said. “Find me.” She wasn’t just in my head. I was sure of it. She was somewhere out there.
I felt like I was being pulled into the ocean. Well, maybe it was a bit like being pushed. It was like a hand applying constant pressure on my back pushing forward. I got out of the car, walked across the narrow sidewalk, and up onto the dock. My footsteps got louder once my boots hit the wood. They’d replaced some of it not too long ago so some sections of the dock were made of smooth blond wood while others showed the dark wear of too much time at sea. Rough and splintered, I’d become like that over the years. Even though I wasn’t really that old sometimes I felt like I was slowly rusting away. It wasn’t the life at sea that was hard. Lots of men had been able to survive that over the years just fine. It was all of the failing. I’d always gone sailing looking for the same thing and always come back empty handed. One man can only take so much failure in life, but the sea kept calling me. Maybe I was hardheaded, still thinking I had a chance.
“Help me,” the voice in my head repeated. “Find me.” The pressure on my back grew and I was truly afraid that it might knock me into the icy water. “Help me,” it said again.
“But where are you?” I asked aloud. The pressure on my back increased again. I resisted it taking a few steps back from the edge.
The only way I was going to be able to find her was if I was able to get out there. If I found the Isle of Gods. If I were the first one since Benjamin Reznik to go there and come back that would change everyone’s lives forever. I could get the gods to answer our prayers and send us healthy babies again. Then Lourdes and her mother would see that all of those days I spent away, all that sailing was for something important.
Chapter 5
On Monday I put in two days’ worth of work. I spent the morning pulling out a couple of stubborn tree stumps for an old lady that lived just outside of town. She was so pleased with my work that she paid me a little extra. Then I headed over to the other side of town to help clear some rubble off a lot. The work was tough, but it was what I did best. Being outside and moving helped me think. Mostly I was distracted by the sea. It was almost as if I could hear the ocean waves constantly in my head. Each time I closed my eyes I could see the mysterious woman. I hadn’t told anybody about seeing her besides Lourdes because I thought I might be losing my mind.
I decided to go out to the docks before it got dark to see what was going on there. The docks were deserted. A big storm was rolling in from the west and most had secured their boats and headed to the safety of their homes. The weatherman said it would hit early tomorrow morning, but I never put much stock in what the weatherman said. Half the time they seemed to be guessing.
I breathed in the briny smell of seawater and fish. Most people hated it, but not me. It was my life-blood. I strolled casually down the pier towards Raul Castillo’s boat. When I was still going out to sea Raul’s boat was the one I went out on most. Me and Raul were always off to the same destination, the Isle of Gods.
Raul Castillo sat on a patio chair on the deck of his boat, Mimi, drinking from a bottle wrapped in a tattered brown paper bag. It had only been a few months since I’d last seen him, but it felt like years. He raised his drink at me as a greeting. “I didn’t think I’d see you around these parts again,” he called. “You ready to hit the open waters? I’m still up for the hunt if you are.”
Mimi was an old boat that Raul had bought for cheap from the town drunk decades ago. She looked like she’d fall apart any minute and certainly didn’t look like she was safe to go out to sea on, but looks could be deceiving. She held up during even the roughest storms. She never once failed us. Boat maintenance was not Raul’s thing. As far as he was concerned the chipping paint didn’t matter. As long as she could still float Mimi was doing just fine. I climbed aboard the steel-blue vessel. It felt good to be on board again. The swaying of the deck under my feet as the boat bobbed on the water brought back memories.
“Wish I could,” I said.
“I can’t believe you’re so hen-pecked. You’re letting that woman tell you that you’ll never find the Isle of Gods.” Raul took a swig from his bottle.
“She’s not telling me to do anything. I’m trying to get her back.”
Raul snorted. “Once you get her back you’ll never sail again.”
“We’ll see.” I looked at the loose tools lying out on deck. “Are you getting ready for the storm?”
“Mimi is always ready for a storm,” Raul said. “There’s nothing left to do but wait.” He looked to the horizon where he could see the dark clouds gathering in the distance. “It’s a slow one. Won’t be here for a while.”
I nodded knowingly.
“Maybe you will get her back,” Raul said. “I sure wish I could get my Irene back. She was pure perfection.”
“How old was she when she died?”
Raul let out a sigh. “Thirty-one and prettier than any of these actresses you see on TV.”
“She’ll always be thirty-one to you. That’s what happens. We keep moving through time and they stop.”
“I wonder what she’d think of the curmudgeon I’ve become.” Raul looked me square in the eye like he was really waiting for me to answer, but Irene had died when I was still in diapers.
“When she got a whiff of you she’d run the other way,” I joked.
He laughed. “You’re right. It’s been a while since I’ve seen a shower.”
We were silent for a few long minutes. Raul drank his booze and I stood there looking at him and nodding my head like some kind of dummy. “When you going out again?” I finally asked.
Raul shrugged. “Don’t know. I was actually sitting here thinking about selling her.”
“You’d never sell Mimi. She’s like family.”
“I don’t have family. I’ve only got myself.” Raul took another sip and looked off in the distance. “That’s all I need, right?”
“I guess.”
“You guess. You’re only just finding out about being alone. You been with Lourdes since you were kids and now you’re getting a glimps
e of my world and it’s not so great, is it?”
“It sure isn’t, but it’s going to get better. I’m going to get her back.”
“Maybe you will.”
I rocked back and forth on my heels. For the first time I started thinking that I didn’t know what I would do without Lourdes and Tati. Who knew someone could steal my heart the way Tati did from the start. Thinking about what life would be without them forever made a hole in my gut. “I should get going,” I said. “I’ve had a long day.”
Raul stood up slowly. I swore I could hear his joints creak as he did. “What brings you down here anyway?”
“Chasing up work. Not sailing, just odd jobs, you know?”
“I could use a bit of help around here. Not sailing of course.” He looked around the boat. “If she makes it through the storm this old gal will need some cleaning up before I sell her.”
The boat did need repairs: chipped paint, rust, a hole in the deck floor that hadn’t been there when I was sailing with Raul. It needed a lot of work. “What’re you paying?” I asked.
“Fifteen an hour,” he said without a moment’s hesitation.
I didn’t like to work hourly. Usually I got people to commit a certain amount per job because I was fast, but Raul was an old friend and I wanted to spend time on a boat again even if it wasn’t out at sea. “Sounds like a good deal,” I said.
“Good,” Raul said. “I’ll see you first thing after the storm’s passed.”
I made a quick stop at the store to pick up some emergency food, flashlights, and bottles of water for Lourdes and Tati just in case the storm was bad. I was pretty sure it wouldn’t be, but I knew Lourdes wouldn’t be prepared. Outside of the store a tattered overturned cardboard box acted as a makeshift altar. Three apples and a lone peach sat on it as offerings.
“Pray for the storm to miss us,” the silver-haired woman standing in front of it said to me as I passed.
“I’ve already prayed,” I said to her just before the wind picked up sending the box skittering down the sidewalk.
The wind whipped her hair across her face as she drew a circle on her chest with her finger. “Eternity,” she said, closing her eyes and spreading her arms wide as if she would embrace the storm.
I ducked into the empty store. Even though everyone in this town probably knew the storm was coming few prepared by actually buying things they might need if it hit us. The shelves were fully stocked with batteries, flash-lights, and bottles of water. There was no demand for basic supplies because most believed that prayer was all they needed. If the storm came and they were stuck in their homes with no extra food and water it was because that was what the gods had decided should be their fates. It maddened me. It especially maddened me that Lourdes had started thinking the same way. Before, she was a lot more active. She did what she could to help her destiny along, but once Tati was born she became almost exclusively dependent on the gods to direct her life. I didn’t get it. Why did everyone think that beings on an island far away from everything should make all the decisions in their lives? I was not content to let the gods decide whether or not Tati had a good life. They’d given her to me and now it was up to me to make sure she thrived in the mortal world.
I tossed a few things into my cart and headed to the register. “Have many people been in today?” I asked the cashier, a skinny girl with thin blonde hair.
She let out a big sigh, blowing her bangs from her forehead. “Nah.”
She was in no hurry scanning my items, but that was fine because I wasn’t really in a hurry either.
“The manager said I had to finish my shift even though this storm will probably blow us off the map.” She rolled her eyes and started bagging my groceries.
“I’m pretty sure it won’t,” I said.
“Yeah?” she said. “What do you know? I’ve been telling everybody the gods have it in for us so they better stop praying.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Have you looked around lately? I’ve got no younger cousins or anything in my family. They all keep dying. My mother says that it’s a good thing. She says that there are no more souls left to be born and that this is the end of days.” She shook her head. “That doesn’t sound like a good thing to me. How about you?”
“Not to me either.” I picked up my bags.
“End means everything is over. I want the chance to live my life.”
“You’ll be able to do that.”
She cocked her head at me. “You say that like you know, but there’s no way you can.”
“You know that boat that disappeared the other day?” I asked.
She nodded. “The Santa Cruz.”
“Yeah, that’s the one. Do you know why they were sailing out there?”
She shrugged.
“They were looking for the Isle of Gods. Some of us are doing that. Not many, but enough.”
“Us? That means you are too?”
I nodded even though I wasn’t really doing that anymore, but I knew I would be in the future. “We’re looking for the gods so we can get them to fix all of this. Maybe they aren’t answering our prayers because they don’t understand just how bad it is.”
“You can’t force them to answer prayers.”
“No. You probably can’t, but I figure that we can appeal to their sympathy. Maybe we could bring them to a hospital and show them just how bad it is.”
“I figure they already know how bad it is. I mean they can see everything, right?” she said.
“You know how when you watch something on TV there is some distance between you and whatever is going on. I mean, maybe seeing it on a screen doesn’t give you the same feeling as seeing it in person.”
She nodded.
“Maybe that’s what it’s like for the gods. I think that if they see us in person they’ll care more.”
“I guess.” She bit her lip and looked down at her flaking black nail polish. “I don’t think they care about me at all.”
“They do.” I knew what she meant and felt the same way a lot myself, but I couldn’t let her walk around thinking that she wasn’t important enough for the gods to care about.
“You don’t know that either.”
I shook my head. “I don’t, but I have a feeling. In the Book of Gods it says that the gods love all of us. That must be true because the book is true.” This was the same logic that I’d used when I was young that I mostly didn’t believe anymore, but my belief didn’t matter.
She shrugged. “I guess you’re right.”
The plastic handles of the grocery bags were cutting into my hands and the wind outside was getting stronger. I looked toward the door.
“You should get going,” she said. “Thanks for talking to me. It was getting pretty lonely in here.”
“No problem. Stay safe,” I said before turning to leave.
The silver-haired women still stood outside in the parking lot looking up at the sky. “Maybe the wind will take me away,” she said as I walked by.
“You should get home,” I called to her, getting into my car.
“I’m already home.” She cackled.
Lourdes opened the door as soon as I knocked. “Do you have supplies for the storm?” I asked. The wind curled around me picking up leaves and dust.
“What are you doing here? Go home,” she said, her large brown eyes looking outside with concern.
“Here.” I held out a grocery bag of flashlights, candles, water, and granola bars to her.
“I don’t need that,” she said. “I’ve already prayed.”
“That’s good, but you’ll need these just in case.”
“If the storm takes us that is the will of the gods. We must not resist.”
“Just take it to make me feel better,” I said.
She reached out her hand and took the bag.
“Thank you,” I said. The sky was black with anger.
“Go home, Damek. We’ll be fine.” She shut the door.
I stood
looking at the closed door for a few moments. I was hoping that she would come back and maybe invite me inside. I wanted to say good night to Tati and spend the night in my bed or at least in my house. She didn’t come back though. I went back to my tiny apartment to wait out the storm.
The wind seemed to shake the apartment building, but the rain never came. A cloak of dark clouds blew across the sky and everyone stayed inside kneeling in front of their altars. I slept. In the morning when I woke I looked out my apartment window to see a few fallen branches, but no serious damage. It looked like their prayers had worked. I went to the bathroom and flipped on the light switch half expecting the electricity to be off. It wasn’t. I washed my face in the sink and as I dried it, I noticed a sweet smell in the air that reminded me of caramels. When I took the towel from my face I could see the woman in the mirror in front of me superimposed over my own reflection. I jumped back, nearly falling into the bathtub. I took a few deep breaths to calm my racing heart and moved closer to the mirror to get a better look at her.
She was sharp in appearance, so different from Lourdes and Brenda’s soft curves. The v-neck in her shirt exposed the upper bones of her ribcage. My apartment had always felt so lonely, but with this woman staring into me it suddenly felt crowded. I scanned the objects behind her looking for a clue as to who she was. I couldn’t help her if I didn’t know where she was. If I looked closely enough I was sure I could figure it out. There was no furniture visible in the room, no windows, and behind her the wall seemed to be covered with a primitive mural. It was hard to make out because I could only see a small section of it, but it looked like crude drawings of people done in black and red paint. The wall looked rougher than any I’d seen in someone’s home. It was a reddish brown and almost had the look of mud.
“Hello,” I found myself saying aloud. “It’s you again. Can you hear me?”
She cocked her head. A loose strand of hair fell across her face and she moved it away.
“Who are you?” I wanted answers.
Suddenly, it was like I could hear her speak even though she didn’t move her mouth. “The door will be open soon. Come get me,” the voice said.
Isle of Gods I: Damek Page 4
