We had found ourselves in an impossible situation. If we left the apartment and confronted Ged outside, we may win the numbers game but we would be facing two fearless psychopaths, that wouldn’t think twice about killing us. Now killing zombies is one thing but people, no matter how evil they are, is something else entirely.
Our other option was to stay put and wait for Ged to come to us which would give us a tactical advantage. Both options had the same outcome. Bloodshed.
“Come out, face me! You wanted this, come and get what you came for!” Ged sneered from the road below.
Emily was almost growling she was so angry. He was taunting us; this is exactly what he wanted.
“Everyone just calm down, let’s think about this for a minute and not do anything rash. We should let him sweat for now. If he decides he’s had enough and comes for us then we’ll defend ourselves. Otherwise we stay put and wait for Butty to get back. Remember, he told us not to do anything till he returns,” I said, trying to stay calm.
“OK Ace, your call but remember, your brother also straps wank mags to his arms and drinks his own piss. It’s true, I saw him filling up his drinks canister this morning. He had his lash dipped right in there. I asked him why he was drinking his own slash and he said he’s been drinking it for years! He said it’s so he could get used to the taste before water supplies run out. He said he likes it! Apparently, the amount of spam he eats makes his waz taste like bacon. So what I’m saying is, maybe Butty’s advice isn’t always the best advice.” Dave suggested.
“What if Uncle Butty doesn’t come back Dad?” Emily asked solemnly, “We need a plan B.”
A plan B? We didn’t know what Plan A was yet!
I peeped out of the window. Ged was pacing back and forth, directly below the apartment window on the road outside. As he walked he was stabbing and slicing his sword into dead zombies, hacking at them in anger.
Come on Butty, where the hell are you?
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Ged was quickly losing patience, not that he possessed that much to begin with. He glanced up to the window and saw a man peeping back at him. He wanted them dead and wished they had all perished in the house fire he caused a few nights earlier or that he’d set zombies on them like he did the kid he had taken from the basement. But his thought of what might have been was fleeting for now he had a chance to kill them again and in a way much more suited to his murderous desires. Up close and personal. One on one and eye to eye. His biggest thrill of all was to watch the life leave his victims. Like when he stabbed the old lady in her forehead. For Ged it felt like her life ending breathed new life into his. A rush, a high, an injection of adrenalin. It was a feeling he loved more than anything and he was desperate to feel it again. If only he could think of a way to lure them outside.
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“What if you two stay here and I go down and challenge him to a duel? His sword against my battle paddle. I know which I’d place money on Ace. Or even better, I could challenge him to a sing off! The loser has to fuck off and never come back. To win you have to perform a word perfect rendition of Virginia Plain by Roxy Music. Nobody knows what Bryan Ferry was singing in that one lar, even the man himself couldn’t tell you what he was blabbering on about. Except for me that is! I bought the copy of Smash Hits Magazine that had the words in. I’d wipe the floor with the prick!” Dave said excitedly.
As ridiculous as Dave’s suggestions were, he was deadly serious and I was honoured that once again, my retro piss taking 80s obsessed friend was willing to put it all on the line for Emily and I. I don’t know where I’d be without him. Dead probably!
But I couldn’t let him do it. I was adamant we were sticking together, to wait for Butty to return. But with time moving on and no sign of my brother a little doubt was starting to creep in. What if Emily was right? What if he never returns? It’s a dangerous world out there, anything could have happened to him. Then I remembered he’d left us with a C.B. radio so we could contact him in case of an emergency and being the fucking genius that I am, I had completely forgotten about it and left it in the hallway.
Crawling across the floor so as not to be seen from the window, I retrieved the C.B. radio and returned to the others. Although I had seen Butty use one on many an occasion, I was a novice. Apart from turning it on and off I didn’t have a clue.
“Butty said that if we get into trouble we should contact him through this thing. Anyone know how to use it? Emily? Your uncle has been getting you ready for the end of the world for years; did he never show you how to work one of these?” I asked hopefully.
“I’ve seen one before but he would never let me use one unless I became a member of A.R.S.E. but as I don’t believe in a race of reptile alien’s that have hollowed out the moon and are using it to prepare for an invasion, I don’t qualify. What operating system does it use?” she replied looking at it with confusion.
“Operating system? Retro 4.0 lar! Honestly, you kids today. There was a world before smartphones you know. Back in the day, kids used to walk around with one of these bad boys glued to the hands like you lot do today with your phones. Only instead of blasting out shit music, snapchatting, facetiming or whatever it is you do, kids used to use a C.B. radio to chat to each other. Well, mostly try to pick up girls by chatting to them in secret code, pretending to be truckers whilst walking the streets trying to figure out where they lived. Great days! Give it here lar, I’ll try and contact him. I’ve watched Smokey and Bandit more times than I’d like to admit to so I should be able to work it,” Dave said, taking the radio.
“Dave to Crazy Ace, come in Crazy Ace, do you copy, over?” Dave spoke into the C.B. radio.
No response.
“Butty, this is Dave lar. If you can hear my majestic voice please respond?” he continued.
Still nothing.
“Come ed’ Daddy O’, open a fucking channel kid!” Dave groaned.
This wasn’t looking good. Why the hell wasn’t he responding? Had the unthinkable happened and Butty had found himself in trouble he couldn’t get out of? Maybe he was trapped somewhere and couldn’t raise the alarm by using the radio. Or maybe it was a lot worse and his solo mission had ended with him paying the ultimate price.
I had never before this moment contemplated that anything bad could happen to Butty. He is made for an apocalyptic world. If anyone was built to survive a zombie apocalypse it was him.
“It doesn’t mean anything kid. He could be driving or more than likely he’s having fun bashing zombie heads. Hey, maybe when he dropped Nick and the girls off at Sky Watchers, his dreams came true and they hit it off. They could be in the sack now, busy trying to repopulate the human race!” Dave suggested.
I am not sure what was worse. The thought of my brother being dead or a world populated with his spawn. Imagine, a world full of mini Butty’s, eating nothing but spam and drinking their own piss!
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Ged had waited long enough. Time was up for the people in the apartment. He desperately needed a way to force them outside. Rushing the apartment to confront them was not a desired option and would put him and Kitty at a distinct disadvantage. No, he wanted them out in the open.
Pacing back and force his attention was once again taken with the old lady wrapped in a sheet.
“You want a cigar boss? Kitty offered.
He turned to see Kitty, striking a match on the back of her head then lighting a huge cigar.
This gave him an idea.
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Time was moving slowly and it felt like Ged had been at our window for eternity. Every attempt to contact Butty had failed. We were on our own and facing up to the loony tune outside was looking inevitable.
Dave and Emily had gone to search the apartment to see if there was anything else we could add to our awesome armoury whilst I continued in vein to contact Butty. Dave was the first to return.
“You won’t believe how many tins of rice pudd
ing I found in that kitchen lar. I think the old dear that lived here ate nothing else. She can’t have had a solid shit for years! There wasn’t much we could use as weapons though kid, only this bread knife,” Dave said, swooshing the knife, “Suppose we could throw the tins of rice pudding out the window like missiles. Hey, I’ll tell you what I did find, check this out Ace.”
From behind his back, Dave presented me with an extra- large jar of mayonnaise.
“Look at the label kid, it was made at the factory which means I probably made it and you would have tested it. How cool is that? Maybe you can use it to force feed mayo to Ged so the bastard chokes to death? Death by mayo!” He smiled, throwing me the large jar of the devil’s condiment.
Emily returned from the bedroom carrying a walking stick.
“This is all I could find,” she said angrily. The only other things in there are packs of incontinence pads.”
Incontinence pads. I could have done with wearing those several times over the last few days! I wish I had been wearing one when Ged turned up!
Using knitting cotton, Emily tied the bread knife to the base of the walking stick and created a make shift spear, adding another weapon to our intimidating arsenal. Plus, we also had rice pudding missiles to launch if need be.
“Now what do we do, just wait? Can I at least spark a tab? I’m dying for a smoke.” Dave asked.
At that moment the apartment window smashed and we all dove for cover. I could smell what shattered the window before I could see it.
“Fucking sick!” Dave grimaced.
Burning into the shag pile carpet was the decapitated head of an old lady, wrapped in a flaming bed sheet.
“This is her apartment. I found her dead in that chair so I wrapped her up and dropped her out of the window,” Emily said.
Dave and I looked at her in shock.
“What?” She was stinking up the place!” Came the defensive reply.
She is definitely her uncle’s niece!
Next through the broken window came a flaming hand, followed by a blazing leg then a smouldering foot. I looked to the street below to find Ged stood over the hacked remains of the old lady, proudly displaying his bloodied sword in one hand and one of her arms wrapped in a fiery rag in his other.
“If you won’t come out willingly, I’m going to smoke you out!” Ged yelled, launching the arm towards the window.
The old lady’s arm came through the window and landed on her knitting supplies. The wool and cotton quickly ignited, bursting into flames. I removed my jacket to smother the fire whilst Dave stomped out the pockets of flames caused by the burning appendages. In the chaos neither of us noticed that Emily had made a dash for the exit.
I ran to the window. Emily was outside, squaring off against Ged and the tattoo headed women. She was brandishing the walking stick / bread knife spear and Ged was howling with laughter.
“That’s how you think you’re going to kill me? With that? GET HER KITTY!” he screamed.
Kitty made a dash towards Emily but my daughter, reacted quickly and threw the make shift spear like a javelin towards the woman, spiking her through the forehead with the bread knife. She was dead and Emily went into shock. Like a trembling statue she was frozen to the spot.
Ged watched the weapon he mocked glide past his face and penetrate the women’s head. She died instantly but stayed on her feet for a few moments. A small slither of blood trickled from the wound, running down her nose and into her open mouth. Then she fell backwards, hitting the road heavily.
Ged’s hysterical laughter returned as he pointed at the dead woman. Then he stopped suddenly and his face changed to what I can only describe as pure evil. He pointed his sword at my daughter who was still static.
“Now I kill you!” he sneered.
He ran towards Emily, his sword raised high ready to strike.
“Ace!” Dave yelled, throwing me the large jar of mayonnaise.
Giving it everything I had I hurled the mayonnaise out of the window and with luck on my side, the jar connected with Ged, whacking the bastard on the side of the head.
The impact caused him to drop his sword and fall to his knees dazed. Dave and I ran downstairs and out of the apartment, pulling Emily from the road, away from Ged. Then we saw the blue transit van drive up behind him and I again wished I was wearing one of the old women’s incontinence pads! Just when I thought we were going to catch a break, back up arrived.
Ged gave the van a groggy smile and staggered to his feet, retrieving his sword. Driving the van was a man I had never seen before, not properly anyway. I can only assume it was the same man that was driving the night he killed Jonathon.
“Ed! I knew you wouldn’t leave me! I told you Joni,” He slurred woozily, pointing at the manky head stuck to the handlebars of the motorbike, “I told you he’d be back!”
He turned from the van and walked slowly back towards us, shaking his head in an attempt to clear his vision. The way he was moving, I’d say the mayo missile had given him a concussion. He was all over the place. But despite his injury he continued forward and his face changed again. Back to pure evil!
“AND NOW YOU ARE ALL GOING TO FUCKING DIE!” he screamed manically.
The man driving the blue van started the engine and began reversing.
“Hey, where the fuck are you going?” Ged yelled.
The van continued to reserve then pulled a U-turn so that the rear doors were facing Ged. It then reversed again, moving closer to the sword wielding lunatic.
The driver exited the van then walked towards its rear doors.
“Go to hell!” he shouted.
He opened the rear doors and rushed back to the driver’s seat. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing and neither for that matter could Ged judging by his reaction. Out of the back of the van, squawked and waddled dozens of frenzied ducks and geese. The noise was horrifying as they frantically moved forward towards Ged.
Quickly they were upon him and he swung his sword, stabbing and slicing at any that came close enough but the bastard didn’t stand a chance. He was completely surrounded and still groggy from my mayo missile. If it wasn’t so disgusting to watch I would have had a grin like a Cheshire cat! The maniac birds pecked, nipped and pulled at his skin, pouncing on him one by one till he was forced to the ground.
Ged shrieked in agony, his cries echoing up and down Sandy Lane. Behind us we heard another vehicle approaching. It was Butty!
“Get in!” he shouted, poking his camouflaged head out of the driver’s window of his Land Rover.
With blood soaked ducks and geese devouring the dying Ged, Butty drove us away.
“Where have you been, we thought you were dead? Why didn’t you contact us?” I roared at my brother.
“Dead? Please little brother. It takes more than a zombie apocalypse to kill me! How do you like my plan? Beautiful isn’t it? I only wish we could stick around to watch them eat the little bell end but those birds are crazy. It took everything we had to herd them onto the van. Snappy little shits,” he replied.
“This was all you Ace? Class lar, if not completely insane. Hats off Butty lad!” Dave applauded, tipping his baseball cap in approval.
“I didn’t tell you did I? For some reason, and for the life of me I can’t figure out why, ducks and geese have become zombies too. No other animals seem to be affected, just ducks and geese. I considered herding normal zombies to take him out but I thought this had more of a ‘WOW’ factor.
As he drove away, Butty told us about his plan. About taking Nick and the girls to Sky Watcher’s, finding Ed and how the two of them worked together to gather the zombie birds.
“I still can’t believe you thought I was dead. Shame on you little brother. What’s up with our Emily? She’s as white as a sheet.”
Emily was sat beside Dave in the back of the car, still in a state of shock and despair. I whispered to Butty about what happened and he slammed on the brakes suddenly, causing us all to jolt forward quickly.
“Shit a brick lar, me head phones nearly flew of me head then!”
Butty turned to Emily and looked at her hardheartedly.
“Emily, don’t dwell on what you did. She would have killed you, your dad and Dave if she could have. You made sure that didn’t happen. You saved, including your own, three lives today. Arseholes like her and Ged, they have the devil in them. They are worse than the undead. Zombies can’t reason and they can’t make a decision. It’s not their choice to eat people. It’s just what they do. Ged and that woman, they made a choice to be who they are. The world is better because of what you did today. I would have done exactly the same in your position. Now chin up chuck and remember, what you did was for Jonathon.”
Emily didn’t speak but she did look at her uncle and gave him a thin smile. At least that was something and I’d have taken anything over nothing at that moment.
“You’re damn right it was Ace! Here’s to skinny jeans!” Dave toasted, raising a cigarette in Jonathon’s name.
“We best get moving. It’s getting dark and Sky Watcher is expecting us,” Butty said, putting the car into gear and speeding away.
When we reached Sky Watcher’s house I was filled with Deja vu. The house, a large semi-detached property, and the neighbourhood, a small cul-de-sac located close to fields and a large water tower did not look familiar. We were in an area of Runcorn I knew little about but the armour to the house and zombie traps set up around it reeked of my brother’s work.
Large stakes has been dug into the ground around the house, placed on an angle so that approaching zombies would impale themselves. Although no zombies were speared, many of the stakes were blood stained and on the floor around them lay spilled zombie guts. It didn’t take a genius to figure out where all the zombies had gone. All you had to do was look at the house. I could hardy make out the brick work because there was so many zombie limbs nailed to it. Sky Watcher had followed my brother’s advice then taken things to another level. The Runcorn League of Mental now had a new entrant and she was storming to the top of the charts!
The Death in a Northern Town Trilogy (Books 1-3): Welcome To Dead Town Page 42
