never mind I start to say
but he says sure
if we go around noon
I’ll see if I can get the car
and I’m so relieved
for his kindness again
and then I can’t help it
hope flickers inside me
but then he adds
I’ll ask Serey if she wants to come, too
we can take Lok Ta Leap
and Lok Ta Chea some sweets
and I say to myself
WHAT was I thinking?
Sunday we go early
to YiaYia’s church
and say prayers
and light a candle for
Madoka’s aunt
under warm bands of light
streaming in through arched windows
I say my own farewell
Serey and Samnang pick me up at noon
and I climb into the backseat
and don’t tell them about the aunt—
I need a rest from all that ache
in the front seat Serey is friendly and funny
turning to chat and catch up with me
and today that’s fine by me
but it’s as if we’re old friends
as if she has no clue that at least
a few people think I “like” Samnang
on the way we stop to pick up
a plastic jack-o’-lantern to fill
with stickers, a bendy spider
barrettes and hair clips for Zena
for Chea Pen and Leap Sok
we get soft candies and chocolates
but Serey and Samnang
shake their heads at jack-o’-lanterns
why? I say
too creepy Serey says
they look like heads
or devils
we sign in at the Newall Center
visit the men first
and there’s a sign on their door that says
No Costumes! No Masks! PTSD
PTSD? I say
post-traumatic stress disorder Serey says
and I’m relieved that I was so
distracted by Madoka’s aunt
that I didn’t make up my face
green and wear a witch hat
like I’d thought to do
Chea Pen and Leap Sok are surprised
to see us on a Sunday
and with all five of us in the room
it’s like a party
Serey and Samnang give the men
small bags of Cambodian
and American sweets
and some banana cake from Lily
I take pictures
of Serey and Samnang
with Chea Pen
then with Leap Sok
and tell them I’ll print copies
then we go to Zena’s room
where the door is nearly closed
so I knock and start to push it open
but I pause because there is a girl there
sitting in a chair beside Zena’s chair
I say hi, sorry to interrupt
then to Zena
I have something for you
is this an okay time?
and Zena looks up
I introduce myself to the girl
and say that I work with Zena on her poems
and she says oh, the new poet
I’m Sarah, Zena’s daughter
my aunt couldn’t come
and I try not to look so surprised
I had no idea Zena had a daughter
Samnang and Serey introduce themselves
and I look at Zena and say
your daughter is beautiful, like you
Zena looks up, then toward the letter board in Sarah’s hand
and I watch Sarah, too slowly
like she doesn’t do this often
run through the colors and letters
for Zena to spell c-o-l-l-e-g-e . . .
Sarah rolls her eyes
I’m supposed to brag to you that I go to BU
and I’m studying public health . . .
then she squints hard at me
I thought you were supposed to be from Japan
I am I say lived there nearly all my life
Samnang goes out for another chair
so I can sit beside Sarah
Serey sits on the edge of Zena’s bed
Samnang leans against the windowsill
and we chat and Zena seems to glow
with all the company
I hold up the plastic pumpkin
and the paper bag and say to Zena
Happy Halloween!
I brought your costume—
do you want to try it on?
Zena looks up and growls
so I set the pumpkin on her table
take the costume from the bag
and Serey helps me place the half camisole
over her blouse
then Sarah helps arrange the purple satin
over her legs
and I fan the mermaid’s tail
over her feet
and finally I pin the shell barrette
in her hair
Zena looks awesome
and Sarah is laughing and clapping
did you make that? you MADE it?
and Serey pushes the chair
before the mirror
and Zena looks up so much
she’s crying
I wipe her tears with a tissue
and we take pictures
me with Zena
Zena with Sarah
me with Zena and Samnang and Serey
Serey with Zena
Samnang with Zena
and then we get an aide to take pictures of all of us
before wheeling Zena out to the nurses’ station
in the hallway
everyone we pass
claps
and gives her a wow!
or way to go, Zena!
and Zena’s face is stuck
in that broad grin
I’m holding the letter board
and she spells
39
and Samnang and I
glance at each other
and smile
when we leave it’s 1:30
and Samnang and Serey
have to be at dance by 2:00
so I tell them to go on
I’ll get a bus
or walk
or call my grandmother or father
Serey looks at Samnang
and raises her eyebrows
and when Samnang lifts his chin
she says why don’t you join us?
where? dance practice? I ask
yeah, you can watch
then come out with us after
no, no, I don’t want to be in the way
and I mean not so much
at the practice
as afterward
but Samnang says
come on
then I’ll give you a ride home
around six
so finally I say okay
and from inside the car
in my place in the backseat
on the way to Lowell
I call YiaYia’s
Dad answers and I realize
this is a mistake, me going out
considering Mom is recovering
considering everything
but he says go ahead, you need a break, have fun
just text me when you’re leaving Lowell and . . .
he drops his voice
call if you need me to come pick you up
then I wonder
if this is a drinking thing
but somehow with Samnang I seriously doubt it
then I wonder
if it might be just Samnang and me leaving Lowell
but somehow I seriously doubt that, too
on the way into Lowell I ask
so who will be there?
and Serey and Samnang name the other dancers
how long they’ve been with the troupe
who are the strongest dancers
who teaches younger kids now
who dances with other dance groups
and how the director is the grandson
of a royal dancer and that he taught dance
in the refugee camps
they ask about me and dance
so I mention ballet with Madoka
the studio where I’d just started hip-hop
the yosakoi dance team I joined
and the soran bushi dance with movements
of hauling fishing nets and tossing fish
and I promise to show them videos sometime
then I tell Serey she should show Zena
her mermaid dance sometime
and at the exact same moment
Serey and Sam say yeah!
Samnang parks
we walk to the dance center
an old brick building
once a boardinghouse for mill workers
and climb up a few flights of stairs
we weave through little kids
and even though they’re speaking English
it’s like suddenly I’m somewhere in Asia
someone tugs on my sleeve
says hello! and it’s Lily
surprised to see me there
are you going to dance?
I tell her I’ll just be watching
Van is head-butting her
and Lily scolds him in Khmer
while Lena waves to me with one hand
her arms wrapped around Serey
have fun! Lily says
we’re leaving now
kids’ class is done
but hey, when will you cook Japanese for us?
and I laugh
soon! I say, and think
once Mom is better
we’ll have a Japanese night
Serey leads me to the director
tells him I’m from Japan
a friend of Samnang’s
and I do sompeas
may I watch? I ask
he says sure!
follows us to a large room
and brings a chair for me
you want to try? go ahead
but I shake my head, say
thanks, not today
noting that not a single
non-Asian dancer
is assembling
in that studio
soon Serey says hey, everyone
this is Emma
she goes to Samnang’s school
she’s going to watch
so, anyway, be nice to her
they practice the fishing dance
like we saw on the DVD
of Samnang’s performances
they don’t use basket props
or wear costumes
but I recognize the movements
the boys circling the girls
the flirty advances by the boys
the rebuffs by the girls
they work on some movements
one dancer leading them all
then they turn on the music
and God, I so want to join in
I’m so reminded of soran bushi
and some of the dances
we do in the shrine yard
near our house during Obon
I watch Samnang and Serey
and the others
their hands
their expressive fingers
the way they turn
tilt their heads
move their eyes
and again I am filled with envy
that makes me ache for Japan
all these kids moving together
sharing their culture, their background
here in Massachusetts
it seems only Toby, my parents and I
share my background
and what I thought
was my culture, too
if we don’t go back to Japan this year
will I lose it all?
my nakami—
my filling?
after the fishing dance
they work on another folk dance
the coconut dance, Serey says
though today they don’t have
coconuts in their hands
in smaller groups
they do classical pieces
the music slower
then a teacher enters
speaks to them in Khmer
and soon it is Serey and Samnang
dancing together
and I can see right away
they are an amazing couple
their backs arched
their knees outturned
their eyes connecting
bodies sliding around one another
the flow so
natural
when we leave the dance center
the sky is going purple
cold is setting in
we head down the sidewalk
a loose and trailing group
and they’re all talking
in small clusters together
and I feel like an outsider
wishing I were an insider
I’m saying a few words
to a girl called Nary
attempting conversation
when a couple stops me
asking for directions
I’m not from here I say
and turn to Nary
who asks Serey
Serey explains to the couple the way
to the street and restaurant they want
then the woman thanks Serey and says
where are you from?
here, Lowell, I’m Cambodian
and the woman says
oh, I thought so!
all cheerful
you’re much too pretty
to be American!
I bristle
but Serey smiles, polite
and the couple goes away
then after a minute I say to her
you know, you can speak up
say something
when people say stupid stuff like that
she rolls her eyes
says right
easy for you to say
and it’s hanging there between us
that I’m a white girl
one of the guys
calls out to her
and she jogs on ahead
while I slow
Samnang drops back
to walk with me
you okay?
fine I say
lagging on purpose
but he slows, too
matches my pace
when the others are ahead
he takes my hand
gives it a shake
and says hey
I look at him puzzled
stop walking
he’s still holding my hand
without thinking I say
Samnang, I don’t know what your
heys mean
and I don’t know what this means
looking at my hand in his
he drops my hand
and I think I’ve blown it
with my only friend here in Massachusetts
by my big fat blathering mouth
he shrugs
we start walking again faster
so the others don’t keep looking back
as we head to the cars
before we catch up I say
I’m sorry
it’s been a hard week
and I just blurt stuff
when I speak English
no problem he says
but take it easy
just have fun today, okay?
so I decide to do that
just have fun
he says come on
and I follow his lead
and we run ahead
to unlock Chris’s car
I climb into the backseat
Serey is up front next to Samnang
with a girl named Kanya on her lap
squeezed in with me are Sovann, Nary and Paul
and the others all cram into a different car
everyone’s laughing
and finally I am, too
and Samnang drives slow
and super carefully
the short distance
to the restaurant
which is Cambodian
and I am in heaven
as we drink tea
and eat little lort noodles
and papaya salad
and soup which is like curry
The Language Inside Page 12
